Am I wasting my time?

[getsmartie]

I think it's just the situation. He wanted his wife and family to relocate and she refused. He will not be leaving his job anytime soon. He's now met me, has told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me (whether that's BS remains to be seen ) but my children are obviously part of the package. IF we do set up home together then he will be my children's stepfather and aside from trying to get custody of his son, I don't see any other way around it.

 

Are you suggesting he gives up his job and moves back down there to (let's assume ) a dead marriage for the sake of his son?

 

There's so many things wrong with the whole story. What troubles me is after only 4 months together he says he will take care of you and your kids as his own. Wow. Four months and so much commitment already. Takes a lot longer to know someone and to fall in love and put action into those words...unless of course you are a broken person.

[MrsBilliethekid]

There's so many things wrong with the whole story. What troubles me is after only 4 months together he says he will take care of you and your kids as his own. Wow. Four months and so much commitment already. Takes a lot longer to know someone and to fall in love and put action into those words...unless of course you are a broken person.

 

I hear you. It troubles me too.....I'm trying to figure out if he's future faking or genuinely talking about where we will be 2 years from now when the dust has settled. First things first, he needs to leave his wife and see how things progress from there.

[Ms. Faust]

Are you suggesting he gives up his job and moves back down there to (let's assume ) a dead marriage for the sake of his son?

 

Absolutely not. In fact, I very clearly stated:

 

If it is because of his wife then he has the power to file for divorce.

 

What I am suggesting is that he quit wanting to be your kids father and be a father to his own kid. He stop planning his life with you and start making his son a priority.

 

In the States we have what is called the EOW shaft. Which translates to the Every Other Weekend Shaft. That is what is typically given to a non custodial parent (usually the father) in the event of the divorce. This is a TERRIBLE custody plan, atrocious. As it stands now your MM doesn't even see his kid EOW. He's not even a part time dad. He's a dad by biology alone. His crazy wife is raising his son and instilling her values in him.

 

Your MM is a victim of his own making. I have little to no sympathy for Disney dads.

 

I do wish you the best, though, and hope all works out for you and your kids in the end.

 

I just don't foresee a good ending with this guy. I was a serial cheater. Funny enough, I found true happiness with a single man when I was single. But that is just my experience.

[MrsBilliethekid]

Absolutely not. In fact, I very clearly stated:

 

 

 

What I am suggesting is that he quit wanting to be your kids father and be a father to his own kid. He stop planning his life with you and start making his son a priority.

 

In the States we have what is called the EOW shaft. Which translates to the Every Other Weekend Shaft. That is what is typically given to a non custodial parent (usually the father) in the event of the divorce. This is a TERRIBLE custody plan, atrocious. As it stands now your MM doesn't even see his kid EOW. He's not even a part time dad. He's a dad by biology alone. His crazy wife is raising his son and instilling her values in him.

 

Your MM is a victim of his own making. I have little to no sympathy for Disney dads.

 

I do wish you the best, though, and hope all works out for you and your kids in the end.

 

I just don't foresee a good ending with this guy. I was a serial cheater. Funny enough, I found true happiness with a single man when I was single. But that is just my experience.

 

Thank you. I will take on board what you've said.

[whichwayisup]

I would assume his son would come to us school holidays and stuff and he would still go down some weekends. I'm not using this as an excuse but mm is ex military so has always spent long periods away from home. Rightly or wrongly his son doesn't really know any different. Obviously my presence would be an element he hasn't dealt with before.....

DO not do this. His child is NOT yours and when his wife finds out their son has been around you, all hell will break loose. It's just not right.

[Dancewithme]

I'm sorry you feel judged. You say you are here for support and advice, believe it or not, that's what you're getting.

 

There are many people on this board who have been in your shoes; many as OW/OM, WS, BS. What they are all offering you IS support and advice. Support doesn't always mean to agree with and sugar-coat how they see your situation. Support can mean the hard ugly truth to help save a fellow human being from taking a destructive path that we all have seen go ugly real fast.

 

It's easy to think your A is different and special, that your MM is meant to be with you, his wife is a hot mess, and you 2 should ride off into the sunset together. But, as so many of us here have seen, it's a cliche, a tale as old as time, that seldom works out the way we want, and brings devastation to so many.

 

If we have been there and done that, why on earth would we encourage you to go down that path.

 

Support and advice is trying to save someone from the same mistakes you've made. No judgement, just truth.

[privategal]

The boards are for support.

And telling you like it is...IS support.

I try to have patience but would you like me to tell you how to better go after another womans husband.

The kind "hugs" and support here are optinal. People who KNOW the pain shouldnt sugar coat it for you.

Some might, sometimes I am patient and kind...sometimes Im not.

Im an ex AP, I learned the hard way and was bashed here brutally.

The posters were right.

Now that Im outside of the A I see how RIGHT the "judgement" was.

Where I find you are specifically "wrong" is having ANY say so on his wife.

Again...keep your relationship between the two of you. You are already in her territory and stealing her spouse. Their marriage isnt your business.

You worry about your family.

But the forum isnt called support for ow/om.

You put it out there...you will in many cases get brutal honesty.

If you dont like it..disregard but speaking from experience there will come a time you wish you had listened to even the harshest feedback.

[carhill]

Been away working....yup, I learned the 'verify' stuff back during the Reagan era as a young, foolish OM because, well, I dated a lady who I thought was single who turned out to be married with a young daughter. Harsh lessons and long before the internet enabled sharing of such experiences.

 

IMO, if you're getting what you want from this, you're not wasting your time. No one can decide that for you. I find, way on the other side of life, relationships and marriage, enjoying the milieu of MW's with no agenda and focus on healthy 'hey, you're not dead' interactions is quite satisfying. The key is I don't need or want anything to go anywhere. You, OTOH, have future plans for stuff and of course minor children to consider. IMO, if you find your attachment to this guy is causing you to pass up healthy, and single, men whom you could also have those plans with, wasting time becomes more front and center. If all you run into are married guys and no singles on the horizon, then it would be on par with other potentials.

 

Heh, I joined LS back when a MM and in MC with my exW, whom I did divorce as a result of that work in counseling, and am still here 8 years later and some 40K posts. TBH, our MC was harder on me than any contributors here. Perhaps, if you haven't had the experience and feel stuck or wasting your time, give IC a try to unstick things. It all depends on what you want.

[anika99]

I think it's just the situation. He wanted his wife and family to relocate and she refused. He will not be leaving his job anytime soon. He's now met me, has told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me (whether that's BS remains to be seen ) but my children are obviously part of the package. IF we do set up home together then he will be my children's stepfather and aside from trying to get custody of his son, I don't see any other way around it.

 

Are you suggesting he gives up his job and moves back down there to (let's assume ) a dead marriage for the sake of his son?

 

I don't think he should go back to a dead marriage. I do think he should move back to the same city his son lives in, divorce his wife and start being a damn father to his kid. How do you think your child would feel is his/her father moved hundreds of miles away to raise someone else's kid while only rarely visiting his own child? Do you think your kid might experience some deep hurt over that? How would you have felt if one of your parents did that to you? If your MM doesn't have it in him to be a good parent to his own child then he sure as hell won't be good parent to your kid and visiting your kid for one night every three or four weeks and using those very few precious hours talking to one's mistress isn't being a good parent. Again, how would like to see your own child treated that way by his father?

 

I wouldn't bother giving the MM an ultimatum. That will just give him the opportunity to stall and buy time. He'll say he's divorcing just as soon as this or that or the other thing happens. Months will go by and then he'll say now a b or c has to happen and he will just keep pushing the date out and inventing imaginary obstacles while your mental health goes to hell. Summon up your self respect and tell him you don't date married men and that he can look you up when he has signed divorce papers. If there has been a shred of truth in what he says he will get his ass in gear and get divorced when he sees he has lost you. At the very least he will gain some respect for you for not being weak and allowing yourself to be strung along. That's another thing. Men are more than happy to take whatever a woman has on offer but I don't think they can really respect a woman who doesn't respect herself

[MrsBilliethekid]

Thank you everyone for the input. I will let you know the outcome.

[MrsBilliethekid]

" I am going to hold you close tomorrow night and keep u close to me... Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

 

This. Is starting to annoy me. I'm wondering if this will be a constant annoyance and something that all OW/OM are annoyed with throughout the affair or am I starting to reach the point of ending it.....? I'm starting to see a it of a pattern.......I bring up the subject of his marital status, he dodges the bullet and fires something like that ^ back at me...........

[MrsBilliethekid]

I am so conflicted........several times a day I change my mind from ending it to giving it til 6 months......to ending it.......to giving it 6 months.......

 

6 months is my 'Magic number'......6 months is usually when I know if someone is going to hold my attention indefinetely or if it's time to move on........currently we're at 4 months.....

 

I still can't figure out if this is a conflict avoidance affair or an exit affair......I did end up speaking to a mutual friend (who didn't know about our affair, he does now) and he told me that MM is NOT a serial cheater, he's not the type to mess about, they did split up for a while last year and the impression he gets is that his wife likes the money but not particularly him. He then said I should go with the flow and he hopes it works out for us because he cares for us both.........

 

BUT I don't want to be that woman that sleeps with a married man, whatever the rights and wrongs and even if she is a bad as he makes out, she's still his wife and he's not moving things along fast enough........

[LovingDelilah]

" I am going to hold you close tomorrow night and keep u close to me... Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

 

This. Is starting to annoy me. I'm wondering if this will be a constant annoyance and something that all OW/OM are annoyed with throughout the affair or am I starting to reach the point of ending it.....? I'm starting to see a it of a pattern.......I bring up the subject of his marital status, he dodges the bullet and fires something like that ^ back at me...........

 

 

He has no intention of changing his marital status. Find a new man.

[MrsBilliethekid]

He has no intention of changing his marital status. Find a new man.

 

 

are you saying that because they generally don't? Or is there something specific that i have said that makes you think that?

[Survivor12]

It's what he didn't say--"I have filed for divorce."

[Grapesofwrath]

" I am going to hold you close tomorrow night and keep u close to me... Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

 

This. Is starting to annoy me. I'm wondering if this will be a constant annoyance and something that all OW/OM are annoyed with throughout the affair or am I starting to reach the point of ending it.....? I'm starting to see a it of a pattern.......I bring up the subject of his marital status, he dodges the bullet and fires something like that ^ back at me...........

 

It's good that he is starting to annoy you. This is how the fog begins to lift. Maybe not immediately, but it sows the seeds of resentment that will eventually empower you to walk away.

[Ms. Faust]

He said this in response to what, exactly?

[Girlfromcali]

It's good that he is starting to annoy you. This is how the fog begins to lift. Maybe not immediately, but it sows the seeds of resentment that will eventually empower you to walk away.

 

Last time I talked to my AP, I noticed that, even though I've always loved his voice, it was a little annoying and bit too high.

The whole day I was elated about this new revelation that I found the things I used to love about him, annoying.

But it doesn't last, because by the night, I was remembering the things I love about him again. But the seed has been planted and it gives me hope.

 

That's actually one of the reasons why I didn't want NC. I don't want to leave him in my mind as this perfect illusion.

[MrsBilliethekid]

He said this in response to what, exactly?

 

Me saying I assume I'll be missing you this weekend as in he's going 'home' for a couple of days.

 

I'll not lie, I'm not ready to walk away but yes, I am starting to resent his words more and more. I can't remember what I replied to that but he obviously senses I'm pulling back slightly as he was straight on the phone trying to reassure me that he's going to deal with it and promising we will be together etc oh that's what it was. I told him I didn't want to discuss our future plans until I was certain we had a future to plan for.

 

It's a step in the right direction.

[len51]

Generally anyone who has been in an affair with a married person knows there are two outcomes, neither of which are good. The first is that he will constantly find reasons not to get a divorce as long as he can still have sex with you. If you make him choose, he will choose his wife because alimony and child support are not an attractive option for many men who can get the milk without buying the cow.

 

The second outcome is that he does leave his wife and now you are married to a cheater. Since a person's past behavior is a good indicator of their future behavior, how in the world can you ever trust him? The saying, once a cheater, always a cheater is a saying because it is most often true. I had two girlfriends cheat on me who went on to cheat on the next boyfriend and then their husbands.

 

I am married and had a few single girlfriends. In my case I was in a non monogamous marriage and my wife had her own girlfriend. All three single girlfriends of mine wanted me to leave my wife. I put them off for a long time until I just got tired of listening to their threats. In fact, the sex got better and better as they tried to convince me to leave my wife.

 

You do what you want to do but know that love clouds your judgment. When emotions come into play, we make bad choices. I do not know anyone who cheated only once. Keep in mind that he is lying and deceiving his wife. He is demonstrating to you that he can not be trusted and yet you want to think if he leaves his wife for you, all will be different. That is not how life works but some people need to make their own mistakes before they learn so good luck and maybe you can beat the odds stacked against you.

[imperfectangel]

I don't think it's fair to expect someone to divorce just like that. It's a massive life change and some people really cannot afford to D or maybe they have children? It's not that black and white.

 

If you want to know what's going on with him tell him you need to know where he's at. He's the only one that can answer your questions

[ChickiePops]

" I am going to hold you close tomorrow night and keep u close to me... Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

 

This. Is starting to annoy me. I'm wondering if this will be a constant annoyance and something that all OW/OM are annoyed with throughout the affair or am I starting to reach the point of ending it.....? I'm starting to see a it of a pattern.......I bring up the subject of his marital status, he dodges the bullet and fires something like that ^ back at me...........

 

Those arms he's going to wrap around you tomorrow are currently wrapped around his wife...I would be annoyed about that too.

 

I don't share..and I guess I'll never understand why anyone would want to.

 

Also if you brought up his marital status and he refused to discuss it and tried to distract you with sweet talk, I'd take that as a very bad sign.

[Satu]

You should discuss this issue with his wife.

 

After all, she knows him better than anyone.

[MrsBilliethekid]

Those arms he's going to wrap around you tomorrow are currently wrapped around his wife...I would be annoyed about that too.

 

I don't share..and I guess I'll never understand why anyone would want to.

 

Also if you brought up his marital status and he refused to discuss it and tried to distract you with sweet talk, I'd take that as a very bad sign.

 

No they're not. He's out of the country and he's coming to me and going back home a couple of days later. He works close to me and goes home every 3 or 4 weeks for a couple of nights. He phoned straight after and told me he'd sort it.

[MrsBilliethekid]

The second outcome is that he does leave his wife and now you are married to a cheater. Since a person's past behavior is a good indicator of their future behavior, how in the world can you ever trust him? The saying, once a cheater, always a cheater is a saying because it is most often true. I had two girlfriends cheat on me who went on to cheat on the next boyfriend and then their husbands.

 

 

Possibly but not always. My first marriage I was a ridiculous cheat, I'm not proud of it, and it was an affair that finished my marriage. My OM ended the relationship with me, I was devastated. This was on the Friday and I left my husband the following Monday. My OM did not get back with me however the affair served it's purpose. My second marriage I would not have considered cheating on him, I would not have risked it. He, however, cheated on me, twice than I know of.

 

Anyway, despite having been a serial cheat at one stage in my life, I believe I am capable of sorting out problems without resorting to that.