whichwayisup Posted April 18, 2016 Share Posted April 18, 2016 I am so conflicted........several times a day I change my mind from ending it to giving it til 6 months......to ending it.......to giving it 6 months....... 6 months is my 'Magic number'......6 months is usually when I know if someone is going to hold my attention indefinetely or if it's time to move on........currently we're at 4 months..... I still can't figure out if this is a conflict avoidance affair or an exit affair......I did end up speaking to a mutual friend (who didn't know about our affair, he does now) and he told me that MM is NOT a serial cheater, he's not the type to mess about, they did split up for a while last year and the impression he gets is that his wife likes the money but not particularly him. He then said I should go with the flow and he hopes it works out for us because he cares for us both......... BUT I don't want to be that woman that sleeps with a married man, whatever the rights and wrongs and even if she is a bad as he makes out, she's still his wife and he's not moving things along fast enough........ What's 6 months going to change? NOTHING! Absolutely nothing. Why are you so afraid of ending it? You say you don't want to be that woman who sleeps with a MM, so don't be that woman! Find the strength and courage inside you to love and respect yourself then end it with him. Many WS's rewrite marital history and exaggerate/bend truths to suit them in the best possible light. He's not an angel and I doubt his wife is half as bad as he's made her out to be. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cloudcuckoo Posted April 18, 2016 Share Posted April 18, 2016 Because she's nuts. She actually messaged me nearly a year ago asking if I was having an affair with him, at that point we'd only met the once through a shared interest and although we were friends on fb there had been no other contact........so when he says she's always accusing him of having affairs, I know there's some truth to that. Apparently she walked in on her first husband in bed with someone else and expects him to do the same........well I guess her expectations have come to fruition...... He's met my kids once or twice, just casual and briefly. My ex is not capable of co-parenting, he's messed up, drinks too much, smokes to much, doesnt work and leads a very chaotic lifestyle, he sees the kids for a cople of hours at a time and no overnight stays, I couldn't trust him to look after them properly, plus I'm still breastfeeding my 2yo (who was only 6 months when we split) x Now, this is what gets my goat... You don't KNOW if she's nuts! I think it's really nasty when people say things like that about someone they don't know at all. Just because she messaged you to ask if you were shagging her husband doesn't make her a lunatic, it makes her insecure and suspicious, and evidently rightly so by the look of it. He should be discussing those issues with her, and either working to resolve them or determining how to divorce without too much acrimony. Not telling you her personal business. I would tread very carefully considering he shared such personal information about her previous marital history with you. If it all blows up (which it usually does one way or another, and she's already on high alert) she will be livid about the things he's told you, and believe me, she WILL find out. He's not the wonderful man you think he is. Like us all, he has flaws, but he's also a proven liar. You are his 'secret'. Married people shouldn't have 'secret friends'. I'm concerned that he's around your children in this situation. He's made no firm commitment to you, and as you rightly say, it's all talk. As Mum's we are lionesses. Keep your little ones away from him until he stops talking and starts 'doing', but don't hold your breath waiting for him to act on all his big talk. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted April 18, 2016 Share Posted April 18, 2016 No they're not. He's out of the country and he's coming to me and going back home a couple of days later. He works close to me and goes home every 3 or 4 weeks for a couple of nights. He phoned straight after and told me he'd sort it. Semantics. Until he actually leaves her, he's still committed to her. He still goes home to her, sleeps with her (despite whatever he's telling you it's unlikely that they're not having sex, especially if he's only home every few weeks)..etc. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 18, 2016 Share Posted April 18, 2016 Semantics. Until he actually leaves her, he's still committed to her. He still goes home to her, sleeps with her (despite whatever he's telling you it's unlikely that they're not having sex, especially if he's only home every few weeks)..etc. Exactly. They are still 'living life' together, doing family outings, family celebrations, etc. I think he is totally manipulating you and you're believing all the lines he's telling you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted April 18, 2016 Share Posted April 18, 2016 Have you seen the movie "Closer"? (Jude Law, Julia Roberts) We tell our partners secrets, we exaggerate, we lie, all to get closer to our affair partner (& vise versa once d-day strikes!). Be very careful! What's he going to be saying about you? He has no class. I've always believed that if someone is intimate enough with you for you to know their secrets you should respect & honor that....definitely not use it as fodder to bed another person!! I don't know if what he's saying is true or not. I can tell you that I lost my mind when I discovered my H was cheating. It completely blindsided me & broke my heart. I know my situation is very different but the feelings, the devastation, the pain are the same. It's 'normal' not crazy to hunt for the truth when this happens. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsBilliethekid Posted April 18, 2016 Author Share Posted April 18, 2016 You're all right. I know you are. It's a fantasy. God....I don;t want to end it but i know i must...... If it's meant to be, he'll leave her. If he doesn't, then I have my answer....... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 18, 2016 Share Posted April 18, 2016 You're all right. I know you are. It's a fantasy. God....I don;t want to end it but i know i must...... If it's meant to be, he'll leave her. If he doesn't, then I have my answer....... Billie, he isn't leaving. His behavior and actions tell you that he isn't. Please don't hang onto any inkling or hope he might. I know you don't want to end it but if you don't break it off with him, your life will be miserable and that roller coaster you're on will continue indefinitely making you feel like crap. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsBilliethekid Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 So we spoke briefly.......he said we didn't have to have sex and he also said if I wanted to stop seeing him until he separates from his wife he would understand, he wouldn't like it but he would understand........that doesn't really make me feel any better......he still wants to wait for her to make the decision. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 .....he still wants to wait for her to make the decision. Don't you want someone who makes his own decisions and MAKES things happen in his life?? There is NO FREAKING WAY that I would ever be with a man who is not man enough to stand up and make things happen for himself. And, there is no way that I would allow MY LIFE to be dictated by what his wife wanted. Are you really going to allow this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 .....he still wants to wait for her to make the decision. That is ridiculous. Why does he want her to make the decision? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 That is ridiculous. Why does he want her to make the decision? Because he knows she will never make it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 She maybe doesn't even know divorce is on the cards, he is just working away from home. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 His relationship with you is a symptom of his conflict-avoidance. It's not the solution to it. Could he change? Of course. But it will take time and effort. In the meantime, go back to the title of this thread . . . your time is too valuable to waste. You move on, and if he ever learns to take charge of his own life and actually gets a divorce, he can look you up. You'll probably be happy with someone else at that point, but hey, who knows. It's a possibility he could change. But the chances are low. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Even if he separated tomorrow, few on here think it is sensible to date separated people as you are most likely to get burned badly. They either go back to the spouse, or they get rid of the "rebound" relationship as soon as they are feeling better in themselves, and go and date other people. The actual divorce is often the catalyst for them to dump the person who saw them through the bad times. They often want to make a fresh new start, as they are now FREE... That is why most would suggest he stays away until he is actually divorced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 So..she accused you of having an affair with her husband, which you are, and that makes her nuts? How do you know the things he tells you about her are even true? Also..if she really does keep accusing him of having affairs, how can you be sure she doesn't have a good reason for it? Perhaps you're not his first affair. Or his only one. He is a skilled liar..he's probably lying to you too. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Even if he separated tomorrow, few on here think it is sensible to date separated people as you are most likely to get burned badly. I would agree with this 100% ^^^ I had serious relationships with two chaps who were "separated" from their wives, and learned the hard way. Both assured me that they were ready to move on, both were living separately from their (ex) wives, both said they loved me etc etc etc.. One had been divorced for a year, and was awaiting the financial settlement. The other was getting divorced on a two-year separation and had 1 year to go. No 1 decided after 8 months to dump me to try and go back to his wife. She didn't want him and when he came back to me, neither did I. No 2 was cheating on me with not only his estranged wife but also 2 other women.( !! ) I got suspicious when I kept getting attacks of thrush, and eventually he confessed. He got his marching orders as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsBilliethekid Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 That is ridiculous. Why does he want her to make the decision? Because he thinks things will go smoother. Because he knows she will never make it. She will. She's done it 3 times already and he's been the one who's initiated a reconcilliation. She said to him a couple of weeks ago 'I won't wait forever you know' (for him to leave his job and move back). She maybe doesn't even know divorce is on the cards, he is just working away from home. You're probably right. Not on his side anyway. Only on her terms. So..she accused you of having an affair with her husband, which you are, and that makes her nuts? How do you know the things he tells you about her are even true? Also..if she really does keep accusing him of having affairs, how can you be sure she doesn't have a good reason for it? Perhaps you're not his first affair. Or his only one. He is a skilled liar..he's probably lying to you too. A few years ago they separated and he was seeing someone else in that time (they got as far as having divorce papers served). He says they were separated, she says it was an affair (to him, obviously not to me). That's her basis (according to him) for accusing him of further infidelities. I don't know if what he says is true, how do we know what anyone says is true. I can only take him at face value and go on that and what I've seen and what our mutual friend has told me. Perhaps I am wasting my time, perhaps I'm not, only time will tell. And I know that statistically the odds are not on my side. I do feel though, he's checked out his marriage, he might not be quite ready to walk yet and hoping she saves him the trouble by kicking him out first (and she's done it before (at least 3 times) so it's not a fanciful thought). When she accused me, we weren't having an affair. I was on his friends list on facebbok as we have a shared interest, nothing more. She signed into his account and messaged me from his account, I don't know what she based her assumption on as we didn't even communicate on facebook, comment or like each others stuff, it must simply have been down to what I looked like and my location (close to his work). And that's not to say I look like a mistress! I don;t think so anyway........ Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 What does a mistress look like? ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsBilliethekid Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 What does a mistress look like? ? The sweeping stereotypical man eating vamp........... actually I probably do but I know most do not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 The sweeping stereotypical man eating vamp........... actually I probably do but I know most do not. The MOW my H has an A with does not fit that mold in the slightest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsBilliethekid Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 The MOW my H has an A with does not fit that mold in the slightest. My xH's first affair was with a vamp, a goth vamp, blackk hair with red streaks, biker boots and fishnet tights......his second affair was with a nurse, capri pants, mousy hair and sensible sandals........both completely different to me. It's a slight concern to me that my MM's wife is not dis-similar to me, at least physically.......but then again, we're both of a similar ilk to his mother......so he either has mummy issues or he simply has a type.......isn't love and attraction a funny old thing..... Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Lots of people have a type I really wouldn't read that much into it unless he's known to have a type and goes with someone way off Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 My xH's first affair was with a vamp, a goth vamp, blackk hair with red streaks, biker boots and fishnet tights......his second affair was with a nurse, capri pants, mousy hair and sensible sandals........both completely different to me. It's a slight concern to me that my MM's wife is not dis-similar to me, at least physically.......but then again, we're both of a similar ilk to his mother......so he either has mummy issues or he simply has a type.......isn't love and attraction a funny old thing..... I've noticed that so many BWs go on to become OWs. Is it that the betrayal leaves you so broken or that deep down you always had it in you to do this? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 (edited) I've noticed that so many BWs go on to become OWs. Is it that the betrayal leaves you so broken or that deep down you always had it in you to do this? For many it's about regaining that sense of control. Being a BS leaves you with no control whatsoever. You don't know what the truth is anymore, even in reconciliation. The WS could (and will) tell you anything, just to make his own life easier. And I think every BS senses that. You'll never know what REALLY happened. As far as information is concerned, as a (reconciling) BS you're clearly at a disadvantage. You will never know all the details, read all the lovey-dovey texts, hear what cool, expensive gifts were exchanged. So for many it's kind of like finding the balance again. As the OW you're in control. Or at least you may feel that way, for a while... Edited April 19, 2016 by Minnie09 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrsBilliethekid Posted April 19, 2016 Author Share Posted April 19, 2016 I've noticed that so many BWs go on to become OWs. Is it that the betrayal leaves you so broken or that deep down you always had it in you to do this? speaking personally as I can't speak for other OW, I always had it in me. God, that sounds cold and heartless but the facts are I cheated on my first husband several times, inc with MOM, one in particular who I had no desire to live a life with, or for him to leave his wife, it was purely the thrill of it. This time though it's different. I love him, I want to be with him. I did have a dreadful 2nd marriage though, which I thought was karma for my behaviour in my first. And then my first relationship after getting out of a horrible second marriage is an affair with a MM. Maybe I have issues....... Link to post Share on other sites
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