Is it possible my professor is attracted to me? [UPDATE]

[katie949]

On a number of occasions, outside class, this guy has been really attentive & talkative, then slightly dismissive the next day. He's my English professor (he's 30-ish, I'm 22), which changes everything I guess - it's not a 'normal' guy/girl situation. After class, we often chat for a while.

 

Here's an example. Sometimes, a group of professors and several students (including me) would go onto a restaurant and then bars after a day of presentations or classes. One evening, as several people left the bar, the table was split into two groups, and I was standing next to this prof. We were talking, and he pulled out a chair for me next to him. Anyway, he sat facing me, looking directly at me, his legs open... We were quite close and we talking, laughing... He noticed that my hair was hanging over the table, wet with drinks, and brushed it out of the way... Even though this is nothing, it felt kind of flirty, I don't think any of my other professors would do that. We stayed talking for a while, but then I think he started to worry that we were 'too cosy', and invited a guy sitting across from us to join our conversation.

 

However, sometimes, I get the impression that he's wary of me... For example, another night, the rest of the group had just left, leaving just us. He just said 'night' and started walking away. I was going to briefly say something to him, just thanking him for his help & saying 'see you next semester', before calling myself a cab... Noticing that I was about to speak, he looked at me with a slightly puzzled face and said, 'I've gotta get home'. The next day, seeing me in the college cafe, he briefly says hi and rushes off.

 

Do you think he might be attracted to me? Thanks for your responses.

[losangelena]

Maybe! Though what you've described does not give definitive proof.

 

But there's a big difference between being attracted to you and ever acting on that attraction, especially given that your his student and he's your professor. Professor/student relationships are not outside the realm of possibility, but it's not quite like meeting just any old rando, is it? Even if he is attracted to you, that doesn't mean he's going to pursue anything; there are a lot of factors to consider first.

[Satu]

All I have to say is, don't go there.

[katie949]

Maybe! Though what you've described does not give definitive proof.

 

But there's a big difference between being attracted to you and ever acting on that attraction, especially given that your his student and he's your professor. Professor/student relationships are not outside the realm of possibility, but it's not quite like meeting just any old rando, is it? Even if he is attracted to you, that doesn't mean he's going to pursue anything; there are a lot of factors to consider first.

 

Ah, I know that he wouldn't ever pursue me (that wasn't my question). I just wondered whether he likes me, just because of the way he acts around me sometimes..

[losangelena]

Ah, I know that he wouldn't ever pursue me (that wasn't my question). I just wondered whether he likes me, just because of the way he acts around me sometimes..

 

Well, my answer's still maybe. Based on what you've said, it's possible, but there's not enough evidence one way or the other.

 

Are you attracted to him?

[katie949]

Well, my answer's still maybe. Based on what you've said, it's possible, but there's not enough evidence one way or the other.

 

Are you attracted to him?

 

Yes, I do find him attractive. I actually only started to like him after the first conversation I had with him after class (I'd seen him in class for quite a few weeks before, but hadn't paid him much attention). He kept tripping over his words, and he said sorry, that it was because he was tired (plausible, he may just have been tired!).

[Miss Peach]

I wouldn't go there while you have any possibility of taking his classes. It's similar to trying to date in the workplace IMO. But it does happen. Some schools have policies against it so that could be something he's not willing to do if it violates anything at your college/university.

 

I agree with the PPs. He may find you attractive but it doesn't mean he'll do anything about it.

 

I was pursued heavily by my TA in college. I know one professor who would comment on how hot certain students were but he would never consider dating one. I also know a guy who is a professor and he did date a student (but she was an older student and probably within 5-7 years of his age). I found it a funny story since she had sex with him in his office but she only got a B in is class.

[d0nnivain]

Maybe. Just because he's your professor doesn't mean he's dead. He still has eyes & feelings.

 

Let's just hope that while you are a student at that school both of you have the integrity not to act on any attraction that may exist.

 

What you describe is the best reason for profs not to go to bars etc with students. When I was an adjunct even when the students invited me, I always declined invitations to socialize with them outside of university sanctioned events. There was just too much that was open to interpretation.

[truth_seeker]

The touching your hair part has me thinking he's into you but it was one of those "weak moments" he had and that's why he's trying to stay away from you now.

[Ami1uwant]

For tenured university faculty....an affair with an undergrad student who you teach is a fireable offense.

 

The only exception to this rule is a case by case basis but they aren't a student of yours and the two met more naturally. For example the professor in his mid 39s meets a female the same age outside of anything university related and it happens she is going to school there fir a degree ( not his field)

 

A relationship with a grad student is allowed provided the professor isn't a direct advisor or teaching the student.

[katie949]

The touching your hair part has me thinking he's into you but it was one of those "weak moments" he had and that's why he's trying to stay away from you now.

 

I think this might be the case....Earlier this week, he was sitting on the same table as me and another prof, who I had gone to talk to. We were talking for about 15 minutes. The prof I like didn't acknowledge me at all - no hi, no bye. He even kept his eyes fixed on his ipad when the other guy made a joke about him to get this attention. This was kind of odd, as usually, he chips into our conversation, and says bye to me.

[No_Go]

Exactly, but still it is extremely frequent professors trying to hook up with students... Although maybe out of fear, they tend to pick grad students/postdocs over undergrads. If they're the direct advisor: they reassign the student to someone else.

 

The relationship dynamics student-professor is nearly always benefiting only one - the professor. The students get used, burned, and scared to complain

 

For tenured university faculty....an affair with an undergrad student who you teach is a fireable offense.

 

The only exception to this rule is a case by case basis but they aren't a student of yours and the two met more naturally. For example the professor in his mid 39s meets a female the same age outside of anything university related and it happens she is going to school there fir a degree ( not his field)

 

A relationship with a grad student is allowed provided the professor isn't a direct advisor or teaching the student.

[No_Go]

That's a tacky situation. He IS flirting with you, seems like you too, and to me it seems like he's getting an ego stoke mixed with fear, fear/living on the edge is a potent aphrodisiac for many (at 22 are you an undergrad? He can easily be fired if so...). I hate to say it but you should stop provoking him. You're entering a merky land - this guy will use and abuse you psychologically at very least if you stay... and excuse himself that you're asking for it. At about your age (a couple of years older) I got VERY scarred after a similar experience, although nothing physical ever happened, which made him wash his hands very easily when he come to the conclusion that his ego was strocked enough...

 

 

On a number of occasions, outside class, this guy has been really attentive & talkative, then slightly dismissive the next day. He's my English professor (he's 30-ish, I'm 22), which changes everything I guess - it's not a 'normal' guy/girl situation. After class, we often chat for a while.

 

Here's an example. Sometimes, a group of professors and several students (including me) would go onto a restaurant and then bars after a day of presentations or classes. One evening, as several people left the bar, the table was split into two groups, and I was standing next to this prof. We were talking, and he pulled out a chair for me next to him. Anyway, he sat facing me, looking directly at me, his legs open... We were quite close and we talking, laughing... He noticed that my hair was hanging over the table, wet with drinks, and brushed it out of the way... Even though this is nothing, it felt kind of flirty, I don't think any of my other professors would do that. We stayed talking for a while, but then I think he started to worry that we were 'too cosy', and invited a guy sitting across from us to join our conversation.

 

However, sometimes, I get the impression that he's wary of me... For example, another night, the rest of the group had just left, leaving just us. He just said 'night' and started walking away. I was going to briefly say something to him, just thanking him for his help & saying 'see you next semester', before calling myself a cab... Noticing that I was about to speak, he looked at me with a slightly puzzled face and said, 'I've gotta get home'. The next day, seeing me in the college cafe, he briefly says hi and rushes off.

 

Do you think he might be attracted to me? Thanks for your responses.

[katie949]

That's a tacky situation. He IS flirting with you, seems like you too, and to me it seems like he's getting an ego stoke mixed with fear, fear/living on the edge is a potent aphrodisiac for many (at 22 are you an undergrad? He can easily be fired if so...). I hate to say it but you should stop provoking him. You're entering a merky land - this guy will use and abuse you psychologically at very least if you stay... and excuse himself that you're asking for it. At about your age (a couple of years older) I got VERY scarred after a similar experience, although nothing physical ever happened, which made him wash his hands very easily when he come to the conclusion that his ego was strocked enough...

 

Thanks for your response. You know, on a different forum, a few people said 'oh, you just have a crush on him and you're imagining that he's flirting....he doesn't have a crush on you'. But then, I replied saying: yes, but I just did a small post, and I cut a lot of details....It isn't just one encounter, it's the way he behaves towards me in general: the way he looks at me, and speaks to me....It's different to my other profs. It also tends to me more so after he's had several drinks (not drunk, just 3/4, maybe?).

 

He may well be on an ego trip yes, I can see that. I'm an undergraduate, in my final year.

[No_Go]

I had such an experience so it's easy to me to spot (based on experience).

However - I bet he'll not follow up any further. At very least out of fear (undergrads - prof relationship is a ticket out, I witnessed a great prof being fired because he TEXTED provocatively to an undergrad), I won't be surprised if he's married/attached. I think your best bet is not to reciprocate -avoid one to one situations etc, although it's hard, it is normal to be flattered by the attention of a guy that can pass as a role model. This is not going to end well unless you stop it.

 

Thanks for your response. You know, on a different forum, a few people said 'oh, you just have a crush on him and you're imagining that he's flirting....he doesn't have a crush on you'. But then, I replied saying: yes, but I just did a small post, and I cut a lot of details....It isn't just one encounter, it's the way he behaves towards me in general: the way he looks at me, and speaks to me....It's different to my other profs. It also tends to me more so after he's had several drinks (not drunk, just 3/4, maybe?).

 

He may well be on an ego trip yes, I can see that. I'm an undergraduate, in my final year.

[elaine567]

I'm an undergraduate, in my final year.

 

Then do not mess it up, with a fling that will not end well for either of you. Fluffing your exams due to "love" or "pining" or "heart ache" or fending off his irate wife is NOT sensible.

Stay away and concentrate on getting the best degree you can.

[katie949]

Then do not mess it up, with a fling that will not end well for either of you. Fluffing your exams due to "love" or "pining" or "heart ache" or fending off his irate wife is NOT sensible.

Stay away and concentrate on getting the best degree you can.

 

The guy is single, he told me...But this doesn't mean that I'm pursing me. I'm pretty sure a fling wouldn't happen whilst he is still teaching me -- it could really damage his career and he knows that, and certainly his career is way more important to him....He doesn't really 'care' for me.

[katie949]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/business-professional-relationships/577138-possible-my-professor-attracted-me

 

Ok, so a few months ago, I posted the question above (it's only short, but it will avoid me repeating the same, and similar, information here), and I got some useful responses. [Moderator note: these threads have been merged.]

 

Since then, similar situations have arisen, ie. nice conversations, followed by frosty remarks, then nice conversation....

 

To be brief, I know that this professor will most likely never want to date me (it would be highly frowned upon, it would have to be secret....he doesn't know me well enough to even trust me 100% that I wouldn't divulge anything if he were to date me....). Although I will be graduating this year, and depending on my financial situation, I may or may not be returning to the same college next academic year for an MA.

 

There are two possibilities here. Firstly, if I don't return for the MA, I will no longer be this guy's student. I could, in theory, ask him out, but I am petrified. He may, also, not want to date a former student, as it may still look bad (I don't know). But, if I don't ask, I'll never know either way....it kind of torments me. On one hand, I want to test the water, but on the other hand, I'm really embarrassed. I can't forget him - I can't seem to find another man I feel attracted to right now....

 

What would you do, if you were me? I appreciate any advice.

Many thanks,

 

Katie.

Edited May 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added note ~6

[d0nnivain]

Do whatever you want AFTER you have a diploma in your hands not before

[katie949]

Do whatever you want AFTER you have a diploma in your hands not before

 

I did say AFTER I have graduated The problem is, I don't know what I want to do....Which is why I'm asking on here...

[CarrieT]

The problem is, I don't know what I want to do....Which is why I'm asking on here...

If you don't know what you want to do, I'm not sure how getting opinions from strangers will help. :rolleyes:

[carnelian]

Having once been a professor, I will tell you what I think and Know. He probably cannot get into any trouble after you graduate. Make sure that he is single. You could exchange friendly emails fora while. You could ask him to be your friend on Facebook or contact on Linkined and see how that goes. You need your strong intuition to see that he is interested in you personally and will follow through on it. Don't act from mere wishful thinking like I have done. Try some online flirts and see his reaction.

I once dated a former student and it was very very awkward because it turned out we have absolutely nothing in common. After that, I never dated a student again. You have to change your relationship as student to one of equals and that is not always easy.

How old is he? If he is close to your age, okay, but much older, I question if it would work.

He might be very pleasantly surprised that you chose him!

[katie949]

Having once been a professor, I will tell you what I think and Know. He probably cannot get into any trouble after you graduate. Make sure that he is single. You could exchange friendly emails fora while. You could ask him to be your friend on Facebook or contact on Linkined and see how that goes. You need your strong intuition to see that he is interested in you personally and will follow through on it. Don't act from mere wishful thinking like I have done. Try some online flirts and see his reaction.

I once dated a former student and it was very very awkward because it turned out we have absolutely nothing in common. After that, I never dated a student again. You have to change your relationship as student to one of equals and that is not always easy.

How old is he? If he is close to your age, okay, but much older, I question if it would work.

He might be very pleasantly surprised that you chose him!

 

I know that he's single because he said that he was once, in a group conversation. He's early 30s and I'm 22.

[elaine567]

YOU do whatever is best for your career and forget about this infatuation. He may be single but he may have a live-in gf or he may be gay.

YOU cannot ditch your whole career for some guy who may turn you down anyway.

[katie949]

YOU do whatever is best for your career and forget about this infatuation. He may be single but he may have a live-in gf or he may be gay.

YOU cannot ditch your whole career for some guy who may turn you down anyway.

 

Well he's said that he's straight before (he's mentioned an ex girlfriend). I'm not ditching my career for him...