I'm still struggling to accept it's over

[confusedstill96]

Ok so I kind of need to vent and I also need advice.

 

I was with my ex boyfriend for 4.5 years.

 

He broke up with me about 3 months ago over a text message, yes a text message. He didn't even give me much reason. We hadn't been arguing or anything - that entire day had been perfectly normal. He blocked me after this, I never got any answers from him. When I last saw him in public he totally ignored me, shot me dead.

 

In our relationship he never really seemed 'interested' in me in the same way that other men were interested in their girlfriends. For example; he blatantly refused to move out with me saying that we were 'too young' and that he 'wasn't ready' he was a massive mommas boy. At this stage most of my friends had moved out with their SO's - none of us were 'too young' at all.

 

Along with this he also refused to go on holiday with me, or to travel anywhere. He would say holidays and travelling were expensive. We both had more than enough money and vacation days saved up - he just didn't WANT to go places with me. I found out after he broke up with me he went on a lads holiday to Spain. The problem was me, he had a problem with ME and I don't know why, I don't know what I did wrong.

 

I used to arrange for us to go on day trips and short breaks - my ex never arranged any of this, infact he would MOAN about doing things with me. But on the flip side of the coin he loved going on day trips with his friends, again it was ME that was the issue and it took a break up for me to realise this.

 

I used to think he was just a home body, that he didn't like travelling or going out much - when in reality he does. It's me that he didn't like doing these things with. I still can't to this day understand why. There's nothing too terrible about me, I'm quiet and polite in public, I keep myself to myself.

 

In 4.5 years I invited his friends to so many places with us but my ex always declined for them. In 4.5 years I never met his friends - or only very briefly. He always had some excuse as to why I couldn't meet them.

 

I would invite my ex out drinking with me and friends and he used to decline, saying he didn't like drinking but he would go to the pub and get smashed every single weekend with his 'boys' Again, the issue was with me. He didn't like drinking WITH ME, anyone else was fine.

 

I don't think he ever wanted a girlfriend, I think he was just so used to the scenario that he didn't know how to get out. I was his first girlfriend.

 

He wasn't always bad, at Christmas and for anniversaries he would buy me amazing presents (As I would him) But on the flip side of this he would moan about it and then tell his family about how much he had spent on me, I was always so ashamed and upset over this. It was none of their business.

 

 

Seriously what was his problem? I know answers won't aid me now it's just I think a part of me is emotionally scarred because of this.

 

Thanks.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, a good friend of mine went through something quite similar a few years back. She discovered she wasn't the only woman in his life; he in fact had another girlfriend altogether. And this went on for 2 years.

 

Are you sure there was nobody else in the picture?

[confusedstill96]

I'm not sure if someone else was in the picture.

 

To be honest with you there was this ONE girl who he worked with who I was always uncomfortable about.

 

She is in a long term relationship with my ex's best friend - they all work together at the same place, and when they first got together my ex seemed really angry/jealous but when I asked him about it he denied it.

 

2 weeks after he broke it off with me I found out he had been liking all of her photos on facebook and had added her as a friend - when he was with me he hadn't got her as a friend.

 

I don't know if this means anything, she has a boyfriend and she isn't the sort that would go for my ex, I don't understand why he'd be playing with fire anyway when it's his friends girlfriend.

[stillafool]

I think he viewed it as a mistake to get in a relationship with you but wasn't man enough to end it earlier. He obviously didn't feel comfortable with you. He doesn't hate you he just doesn't enjoy your company and that's why he ended it. You seem like a nice person and should have no problem finding another man who values your company.

[mightycpa]

I was with my ex boyfriend for 4.5 years.

Why? For the amazing presents?

I don't know what I did wrong.

You stayed with him, in spite of all the **** that you wrote, you stayed with him.

 

Sorry, but the way I see it, this one is on you. You happily put up with his crap and I'm sure his disdain for you just grew as a result.

 

So, basically, from your perspective, you put up with a whole lot you shouldn't have. The other question to ask is why he stayed with you so long. You don't give us a clue about that.

[BlueIris]

I'm not sure if someone else was in the picture.

 

To be honest with you there was this ONE girl who he worked with who I was always uncomfortable about.

 

She is in a long term relationship with my ex's best friend - they all work together at the same place, and when they first got together my ex seemed really angry/jealous but when I asked him about it he denied it.

 

2 weeks after he broke it off with me I found out he had been liking all of her photos on facebook and had added her as a friend - when he was with me he hadn't got her as a friend.

 

I don't know if this means anything, she has a boyfriend and she isn't the sort that would go for my ex, I don't understand why he'd be playing with fire anyway when it's his friends girlfriend.

 

It sounds as though he was always remote and that he was interested in this other woman, if not outright involved with her. Your gut might have been sensing it.

 

I don't think he necessarily hates you or that any of his cold secretive behavior has anything to do with some fault in you. He might just be cold and secretive regardless of who he's with.

[d0nnivain]

This relationship was never meant to last as long as it did. He wasn't nearly as invested as you were, nor was his strong enough or mature enough to end it earlier. You are never going to get answers from him because he doesn't have the skill set to give them to you. He wanted out & he finally got out.

 

 

Take some time for yourself. Grieve. Heal. Nurture yourself.

 

 

When you start on your next relationship, let the other person take the lead every so often. Make sure you meet the friends early on. Really communicate.

[confusedstill96]

I stayed with him simply because I loved him and knew no better. He was my first boyfriend, I his first girlfriend.

 

 

I honestly thought I'd be with him for the rest of my life, he supported me alot through my depression and things like that but I always had a bug up my ass about his female coworker. I don't know what it was - I just did not like her or him being around her. At one stage I even told him to stay away from her as I was sick of hearing her name mentioned.

 

So can you imagine how painful it was when he dumped me and I saw a couple weeks down the line he was all over her on Facebook? It was like my worst fears had been confirmed. I suspected he liked her for about a year, but I never got any answers from him, he would just tell me I was being paranoid and had trust issues.

[dreamingoftigers]

I stayed with him simply because I loved him and knew no better. He was my first boyfriend, I his first girlfriend.

 

 

I honestly thought I'd be with him for the rest of my life, he supported me alot through my depression and things like that but I always had a bug up my ass about his female coworker. I don't know what it was - I just did not like her or him being around her. At one stage I even told him to stay away from her as I was sick of hearing her name mentioned.

 

So can you imagine how painful it was when he dumped me and I saw a couple weeks down the line he was all over her on Facebook? It was like my worst fears had been confirmed. I suspected he liked her for about a year, but I never got any answers from him, he would just tell me I was being paranoid and had trust issues.

 

I had an ex like you describe

 

We almost MARRIED. It really hurt when we broke up.

 

I met my husband about six weeks later (right around the time ex and I would have married, it was THAT close).

I really wasn't ready to get into another relationship at the time and never thought I would feel as good about anyone as I had about my ex.

 

My husband was a super-great guy. So supportive and understanding etc. To be honest, his personality and resourcefulness outshone so many other factors, including my broken heart, I decided not to pass it up.

 

My husband showed me the gulf of difference between having a "lukewarm, conflict-avoidant" boyfriend and a very invested, interested man.

 

Don't sell yourself short. The ex and I had some good chemistry, I liked that he was smart and had a basic kindness. But overall he was a cheap Momma's boy who wasn't able to figure out what he wanted. He did end up contacting me down the road, bit I was so wrapped up in being ENGAGED to my future husband that I couldn't have given two craps. I didnt even respond. That shell of a relationship had passed.

 

Don't waste your time with someone that is just lukewarm (don't dive in with someone that comes on super-duper strong either. No. Don't do that.).

[privategal]

The way you described him while you were still with him...Id have been HAPPY to be rid of him.

You were a perfect mismatch.

A mommas boy, never wanting travel or adventure or to move out or be affectionate? Id be saying good riddance.

I think its good he is gone out of your life. Sorry for the way it ended but what closure could help anyways...he wasnt a good fit for you at all.

[confusedstill96]

I need advice because I'm sick of pretending I'm ok when I'm not.

 

I was with my ex boyfriend for 4.5 years. I never saw it coming but he dumped me over a text message nearly 2 months ago. It literally happened within a matter of hours. Hours previously he had been fine with me.

 

Of course he couldn't give me much reason, much excuse. His only excuse was that he wanted to be alone, he wanted time alone. 2 weeks after he claimed this I saw he was constantly hanging out with a female co worker that I always had suspicions about - truth is though he's playing with fire because she has a boyfriend who is friends with my ex.

 

I have no way of contacting him anymore, the last time I tried to get in touch he ignored my message and blocked me on all forms of social networking. I don't know what I did to deserve this - he dumped me out of the blue and was then shunning me.

 

I've been convincing myself for a few weeks now I'm over it - but I'm not. Tonight I realised I'm not.

I can't accept how he ended a long term relationship over a text, 2 weeks later was all over another girl and then went on to completely shun and ignore me.

 

I can't even imagine my life with him anymore, if that make sense to you guys. I can't remember what it was like to always have him there, and for him always to be calling and texting me and cuddling me - I don't remember who he was before all of this, I feel as though the past 4.5 years were a lie, a figment of my imagination, made up, false memories - call it whatever you want.

 

I feel this way because it's like he never existed, the person he was ceased to exist within a day. Within one text he ceased to exist. Hours before he had been so loving and supportive, I will NEVER know what went wrong, why this happened, what he's doing now with his life.

 

I thought I'd marry this guy, he was so supportive of all of my problems, we had our wedding planned out, we even had childrens names picked out. Although when I look back he was never as enthusiastic as me.

 

I've recently started just seeing a new guy. He's so nice and honestly I didn't want to pass him up - he has a good job, he's so genuine and caring, and he has also been screwed over in the past just not as badly as me. I'm intending to take it slow but on the flip side of things all I can think about is how he isn't my ex. Of how my ex is never coming back and this isn't just a temporary solution until my ex comes back - he is NEVER coming back, he has proven this himself.

 

I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking. I can't even cry anymore over him, I feel so lied to and as though everything is unreal and fake. He was my first boyfriend, we got together when I was 18. I was also his first girlfriend, he was a year older than me.

 

Please, please give me advice.

[Heartbreak Hotel]

I need advice because I'm sick of pretending I'm ok when I'm not.

 

I was with my ex boyfriend for 4.5 years. I never saw it coming but he dumped me over a text message nearly 2 months ago. It literally happened within a matter of hours. Hours previously he had been fine with me.

 

Of course he couldn't give me much reason, much excuse. His only excuse was that he wanted to be alone, he wanted time alone. 2 weeks after he claimed this I saw he was constantly hanging out with a female co worker that I always had suspicions about - truth is though he's playing with fire because she has a boyfriend who is friends with my ex.

 

I have no way of contacting him anymore, the last time I tried to get in touch he ignored my message and blocked me on all forms of social networking. I don't know what I did to deserve this - he dumped me out of the blue and was then shunning me.

 

I've been convincing myself for a few weeks now I'm over it - but I'm not. Tonight I realised I'm not.

I can't accept how he ended a long term relationship over a text, 2 weeks later was all over another girl and then went on to completely shun and ignore me.

 

I can't even imagine my life with him anymore, if that make sense to you guys. I can't remember what it was like to always have him there, and for him always to be calling and texting me and cuddling me - I don't remember who he was before all of this, I feel as though the past 4.5 years were a lie, a figment of my imagination, made up, false memories - call it whatever you want.

 

I feel this way because it's like he never existed, the person he was ceased to exist within a day. Within one text he ceased to exist. Hours before he had been so loving and supportive, I will NEVER know what went wrong, why this happened, what he's doing now with his life.

 

I thought I'd marry this guy, he was so supportive of all of my problems, we had our wedding planned out, we even had childrens names picked out. Although when I look back he was never as enthusiastic as me.

 

I've recently started just seeing a new guy. He's so nice and honestly I didn't want to pass him up - he has a good job, he's so genuine and caring, and he has also been screwed over in the past just not as badly as me. I'm intending to take it slow but on the flip side of things all I can think about is how he isn't my ex. Of how my ex is never coming back and this isn't just a temporary solution until my ex comes back - he is NEVER coming back, he has proven this himself.

 

I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking. I can't even cry anymore over him, I feel so lied to and as though everything is unreal and fake. He was my first boyfriend, we got together when I was 18. I was also his first girlfriend, he was a year older than me.

 

Please, please give me advice.

 

Hey, I'm going through exactly the same thing in terms of kidding myself into thinking I'm ok..I'm not.

 

What I'm trying to figure out for myself it to be OK on my own, be happy on my own. I think for me it's going to be a long road. I've been on anti depressants for over a week now because I really needed help. You can look at my thread, there's lots of great advice on there.

 

If I was you, I wouldn't be with this new guy, it sounds like you're hung up on your ex which you clearly are given the story. Don't just be with someone because your ex has done it.. Like my ex is with someone now and of course it makes me think..I need to move on and find someone else, No. He's over you.. Like my ex is over me but we both need to get over them..It takes time.. I thought she was everything but in turns out it's not meant to be.

 

I'm always told to work on myself, keep busy, it gets easier in time.. I'm sure you've heard all this.

 

I can't really say too much because I'd be a hypercrite but just no you're not on your own. It's horrible, I just hope we both find happiness but first we need to heal.

 

Take care

 

Zak

[d0nnivain]

He was your first BF. He will not be your last.

 

The break up is very fresh. You don't have to be over it. You don't have to be fine. You are allowed to cry & grieve. You are not allowed to contact him or cyber stalk him.

 

However, you still have to go to work or school. On your days off you can wallow for a little while but not constantly.

 

If you have no way to contact him that's good. Block him everywhere, especially on social media. You really don't need to be seeing him with pictures of his co-worker. You knew there was something between them & you have been proven right. Take the small silver lining; you can trust your own instincts which is a very good thing.

 

Next gather up all the stuff he gave you or that reminds you of him. Throw out what you can. Box up everything else that you can't bear to part with especially anything that has genuine value like jewelry. Tape the box shut & bury it in the attic or some place else really inconvenient.

 

Rearrange your living space so it's not chock full of memories of him.

 

Change your hairstyle.

 

Start working out even it's just walking around the block.

 

Do things because you want to do them & they are good for you.

 

Surround yourself with positive people. Lean on your friends & family. They will support you in your time of need.

[sorano]

It wont be easy. I know what you are going through. I had it happen to me.

[Heatemyheart89]

Hiya

It is early days yet. You will get over this. Take care.

[privategal]

The only answer is time, rest, one foot in front of the other, keep grieving but live your life too.

This breakup pain has hit all of us and it is traumatizing and shocks you.

But as hard as it is to believe, everyone DOES heal.

You dont have to fake it, cry it all out, dont push it down or it wont go away.

Its part of healing is to really feel.

Its just gonna take time.

Think positive. A few good days will start to sneak in.

The biggest hurt is the denial and anger portion of the 5 steps of healing.

Deciding to let go and admit it is over are amongst the cruellest things to your soul but they are the big ones in moving forward.

2 months is a very short time.

You are normal, it hurts.

Posting, writing, it helps.

Its going to be ok.

Please be gentle with your heart, rest, and know the pain is heavy but very temporary. Just hang in, I promise time will fade it.

In another month or so if it hadnt decreased, speak to your doctor and go to a therapy session or two.

Right now just keep pushing through.

Xo

[TheSwanGirl]

Oh girl... OH GIRL. Are we the same person living the same lives??? This happened to me TWO months ago, and he started dating his classmate TWO weeks after he dumped me (and we always fought over this girl...)

 

I'm in the SAME position as you. Believe me. You're NOT alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE in this. We feel this pain that it's too much to handle. You don't even know how this happened. You start thinking what you did wrong, and what you could do better to improve the relationship. I know this because I feel it this way. And doesn't even matter what they did to us - if they come back, we're going to take them back. am I right?

 

Let yourself CRY. Feel the pain. Yes - he f*cked up. BIG time. You don't know who this person is anymore. He's just... he's gone. The person you loved... is dead. He's not the guy you fell in love with.

 

My ex is doing the same thing, only he's in a relationship with her now (actually they've been dating since February 14th...)

 

If you need me, seriously, I could give you my Facebook and talk with you for HOURS. We need to learn from this experience, but knowing I'm not the only one going through this, makes me think that perhaps we're improving ourselves. If that makes any sense.. . It's a hard test. Life is teaching us something. It's up to us to decide what we do with this.

 

I'm going to therapy and taking meds for my anxiety and depression, but I hope you're doing a little better and you don't have to take any meds. He completely destroyed me...

 

I know you feel like you just met a nice guy, but if you truly care for him, don't get involved in a new relationship... It's not fair for him. You still love your ex. Heal, let Time heal you. Wait. Have patience... and hopefully someday, we will be able to love again (I know I don't want to, but MAYBE someday), and we can answer in these forums to people to help them, telling them "Oh yeah this happened to me, but believe me! Time heals all wounds!".

 

If you need a shoulder to cry or someone to listen to you, I'm here!!!!!!!!! My friends and family are tired of my ranting xD

 

Sorry for the long answer, but I genuinely hope you're feeling better after reading this. Take a deep breathe, girl.

[Omei]

I have felt your feelings of how is it possible and the shocking betrayal best way I can always describe it is its like a alien crawled up inside his brain and took over his mind and body, doesn't it ?because it's like their a total different person overnight.

 

Even when it's not your first you can feel this way and have this happen with anyone and I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you so many of us never get answers or understand when we loved so unconditionally, the only answer I can provide is people can change unfortunately. .. for better or for worse and sometimes we have no idea why people do the things they do especially when we feel that we ourselves feel we could never do it.

 

It's the leap and chance we take when we fall in love. No one ever tells us how it will end.

Edited April 15, 2016 by Omei

[Rachel39]

I know exactly how it feels.... I'm 4 months in and still feel the same.....all I wanted was closure so I thought.... I got that met up with him only on Tuesday thinking he would change his mind when he seen me it made no difference.

 

I can't accept its over I still want him... I couldn't sleep last night.... I feel like I'm just a mess....

[keiji]

I know exactly how it feels.... I'm 4 months in and still feel the same.....all I wanted was closure so I thought.... I got that met up with him only on Tuesday thinking he would change his mind when he seen me it made no difference.

 

I can't accept its over I still want him... I couldn't sleep last night.... I feel like I'm just a mess....

 

Believe it or not, Rachel, that was a turning point. It's hard to accept, of course, but it's the only thing you can do now. The only chance he have you is moving on and healing.

Edited April 15, 2016 by keiji

[ashley1992]

Hi Girl...

 

similar situation.. as i have been told that yes it all hurts.. but we are still young.. and most people experiance heartbreak at some stage.. however we have our whole lifes ahead of us.. think 20's.. 30's and 40's.. life goes on.... its hard very hard at the moment but time will heal.. its all fresh.. keep strong.. and be kind to yourself

[CDJ]

His only excuse was that he wanted to be alone, he wanted time alone

Based on my experience and seeing this so many times on this forum, I've come to accept that this actually translates as "I want to be with someone else"!

[bluefeather]

This is what it sounds like to me: he might have developed feelings for an other person, and chose to break up with you rather than be cheating on you. Also sounds like he was too embarrassed to admit that to you. The other possibility is that he just felt something called on this forum as "GIGS." That stands for "Grass Is Greener Syndrome." You can read more about that here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

You can get through this with time - Time is the best healer, along with Love of yourself < look into this; it is very important. But there cannot be any contact with the person. And you must stay away from any means of communication, and that includes, phone, text, email, and even facebook stalking. Block them if you haven't. I am sorry for your loss. And really, that's what it may feel like - as if the person you knew has died, because you are now describing the personality of someone completely different. This is the mourning process. It hurts like hell, but it is normal.

 

There is more information and advice out there. There are books, web articles, but very importantly, there is this forum with so many people who have been in and are currently in similar places. Continue to read here and know that, as TheSwanGirl said, you are not alone.

[confusedstill96]

I'm here because I guess I need a vent and a little advice. I've posted a few times before about this break up situation but now I'm finally realising and accepting things for what they are/were.

I was with my ex boyfriend for 4.5 years. He was my first boyfriend, I his first girlfriend.

2 and a half months ago he dumped me completely out of the blue - he sent me a text message one night just ending 4.5 years. He blocked me on all forms of social media so I couldn't respond. It was the most cowardly, disgusting thing I have ever experienced in my life. So cruel.

The reason I didn't see things coming was because 4 hours previously to this we had been fine with each other. I'd been over at his place and he'd been no different to 'normal' we cuddled, watched movies, had sex.

Now I look back things weren't really so 'out of the blue' A month or so before Christmas me and my ex were walking to our favourite food joint and he randomly said "You know you've seemed unhappy recently, if you're unhappy over us we can always break up. It wouldn't be the end of the world" I never once told him I was unhappy, or wanted to break up. It's obvious now he said this as a reflection of what HE was feeling. He just wasn't man enough to end it and dragged it out for several more months. I got really angry at this and told him it was obvious he wanted to break up. He denied my accusations and said he'd be 'heartbroken' if we broke up. He was just 'suggesting' things to 'make me happier'

Months later when we DID break up he didn't seem heart broken at all. When I saw him around a month ago, he also didn't seem heartbroken. In fact he completely ignored me and turned his back on me in the supermarket, as though I had ended the relationship or even cheated on him to end it. Nice one.

During our relationship he never wanted to commit to ANYTHING with me. Moving in together? out of the question. Going on holiday together? 100% out of the question.

Towards the end I also noticed he was more easily lead by friends. His only friends are his work mates - he was always obsessed with work. His face would light up whenever he walked into the damn place or spoke about it. Anyway, at Christmas he went out for a meal with them all. Pretty normal, right? He told me he'd come over to my place at around 12am to pick me up because I was meant to be stopping over at his place. I hadn't seen him in a week so this was fine by me.

midnight came and went, I had to go to bed, it got to 3am and I found out the restaurant they had gone to had closed hours ago. I found out that he had been stood in a cold parking lot just talking to his coworkers for 3 hours - somehow he had lost track of time and totally forgot about me.

Exactly 3 days before he dumped me over text this happened yet again. He said he'd pick me up at a certain time after he'd been with friends but he didn't turn up home until around 4-5am claiming he'd been having fun so it wasn't a problem. He accused me of not wanting him to have fun with his friends - I still think him going out that night had something to do with how quickly and harshly he dumped me.

In the past he wouldn't have done anything like this. For example, in our 2nd or 3rd year of the relationship he'd have NEVER broken plans with me to stay out longer with his friends. I saw SOMETHING coming all along, I just chose to be blind to it.

I haven't spoken to him since the day he did it, the last message I ever sent to him said "I love you too xxx" He didn't give me chance to reply to his dumping message. Everyone has told me he'll be back - honestly? I don't think he will be back. I wouldn't even want him back after all of this. In my eyes he clearly made his decision a long time ago and that's why he's as happy as he is now whilst I'm suffering. It came as a shock to me, but a relief to him.

In the message where he left me, he claimed he wanted to be alone and didn't feel like a girlfriend was right for him at 'this moment in time' He said he 'wanted to figure out who he was' and that it wasn't my fault, that he still loved me but just couldn't be with me anymore. He said no other women were involved and that he just wanted to be alone.

2 weeks after this text message I found out he'd been ALL OVER a female co-workers facebook profile, so he never 'wanted to be alone' at all. The hilarious part about it is that she has a boyfriend and is laughing behind my ex's back.

I'm just so angry still. How could he do this? How could he pretend everything was 'normal' for months when in reality it must've always been bubbling inside him that he wasn't happy with me. How could he have had sex with me, gone on dinner dates with me, cuddled me nearly every single night and have known deep down he didn't want this and me? Why didn't he just end it months ago. If he had done I'd have probably already recovered somewhat by now as this all started around 6 months ago. How could he show no remorse or feelings for severely hurting someone like this? Someone he had been with for years. I know there is no way to end a relationship without hurting the other party but to do it over a text? Over a text and then IGNORE me when he saw me in person? Completely turn his back on me.

So there you guys have it, I needed to vent and I'd also like some insight I suppose.

Thanks in advance.

[TaraMaiden2]

I really hope you feel better for putting all of that down, "on paper" as it were...

 

Basically, he was a Grade A prime number one Acehole.

 

He has a yellow streak down his spine, wider than his back. He led you on and was too cowardly to do the right thing at the right time.

He wanted you to break up with him to ease his conscience, but it seems that when he broke up with you, he simply mentally shifted all the blame onto you.

Easy. For a character like him..

I think the phrase 'dodged a bullet' is as appropriate here as it might be anywhere else.

 

Now you have that out of your system, focus on yourself and moving on.

Don't harbour resentment, because it will fester, grow and keep you in a negative mind-state....