men's point of view needed - why do u run when it's "perfect"

[tinkerbell16]

Ladies thoughts/experience with similar welcome too!

Is there such a thing when a guy thinks you are perfect (their words not mine) but sabotages the relationship because they are freaked out about how strongly they feel about you?

Now I realize I am not perfect but I have had a few recent dating experiences where as soon as they get close they fade

I have heard from each guy how I am "perfect, cool, hot, sweet, funny, smart, sucessful", I have been introduced to friends and family (prompted by them) then they fade or do something to cause a breakup.

I had my recent guy of two months say "I love you" at the end of the last phone conversation as he hung up (accidentally said it I assume) but has since not made any plans to see me and is showing signs of fading.

 

I am starting to think I need to be screwed up to keep their interest.

Being a "hot, sucessful, sweet, smart woman" is leaving me broken hearted over and over. I am building walls each time it happens and I don't want to be that way.

 

Is this a real thing? Starting to feel my exterior is attracting guys that freak out once they realize I have substance.

 

Any advice how to handle in future?

Edited April 13, 2016 by tinkerbell16

[LoveIsMyReligion]

Because it's not perfect and we (women included) think we can do better.

[SwordofFlame]

Don't believe what these guys are telling you, obviously you're not perfect. No one is.

[Gloria25]

Hi, I'm Gloria25's neighbor...

 

I call it a "preemptive rejection", cuz guys like us think that while you may be showning strong signals of interest now, that in the long run you're gonna dump us.

 

Let me know if you have any more questions...I'll be waiting your questions as I hide behind my car and stare at Gloria25s house

[joystickd]

It sounds like the problem is YOU. They probably ran because you raised some red flags.

[Satu]

'Perfect' according to whom?

[Gloria25]

Could you give us some more details?

 

But already, with the 2 month guy? Saying ILY in barely two months of dating is a bit of a rush if you ask me. So, in his example, I say you two really didn't even date long enough to truly know each other, much less to say ILY.

[SammySammy]

Some guys don't want to be in committed relationships. Instead of being honest with themselves and the woman, they sabotage the relationship or run away. I think this shows a lack of maturity. Or integrity.

 

In my opinion, those guys did you a favor. Taking themselves out of the picture makes room for somebody more suitable for you.

 

What should you do? Be clear about what you want, set your standards high and uphold them until you meet the man you're compatible with.

 

Sometimes we have to sift through the sand to find the gold. You know?

 

Sift the sand. It's part of the process.

[whichwayisup]

Ladies thoughts/experience with similar welcome too!

Is there such a thing when a guy thinks you are perfect (their words not mine) but sabotages the relationship because they are freaked out about how strongly they feel about you?

Now I realize I am not perfect but I have had a few recent dating experiences where as soon as they get close they fade

I have heard from each guy how I am "perfect, cool, hot, sweet, funny, smart, sucessful", I have been introduced to friends and family (prompted by them) then they fade or do something to cause a breakup.

I had my recent guy of two months say "I love you" at the end of the last phone conversation as he hung up (accidentally said it I assume) but has since not made any plans to see me and is showing signs of fading.

 

I am starting to think I need to be screwed up to keep their interest.

Being a "hot, sucessful, sweet, smart woman" is leaving me broken hearted over and over. I am building walls each time it happens and I don't want to be that way.

 

Is this a real thing? Starting to feel my exterior is attracting guys that freak out once they realize I have substance.

 

Any advice how to handle in future?

 

Probably means the guy isn't ready nor mature enough to be in a healthy thriving and good relationship, or he's terrified of being hurt so it's best for him to ruin things before it gets started.

[sunking101]

I've had two women do the same thing. They either have a personality disorder or a fear of commitment IMO.

[dichotomy]

Perhaps they don't want perfect, sweet, great, successful stable woman (that their family and friends like) right now.

 

Maybe they really just want a "dirty hot mess" at this point in their life.

 

Happened more than once to me... as a guy... by a woman. All their parents loved me.

 

Maybe when they are ready to settle down - marry and have kids, they will call you.

Edited April 14, 2016 by dichotomy

[joystickd]

Ladies thoughts/experience with similar welcome too!

Is there such a thing when a guy thinks you are perfect (their words not mine) but sabotages the relationship because they are freaked out about how strongly they feel about you?

Now I realize I am not perfect but I have had a few recent dating experiences where as soon as they get close they fade

I have heard from each guy how I am "perfect, cool, hot, sweet, funny, smart, sucessful", I have been introduced to friends and family (prompted by them) then they fade or do something to cause a breakup.

I had my recent guy of two months say "I love you" at the end of the last phone conversation as he hung up (accidentally said it I assume) but has since not made any plans to see me and is showing signs of fading.

 

I am starting to think I need to be screwed up to keep their interest.

Being a "hot, sucessful, sweet, smart woman" is leaving me broken hearted over and over. I am building walls each time it happens and I don't want to be that way.

 

Is this a real thing? Starting to feel my exterior is attracting guys that freak out once they realize I have substance.

 

Any advice how to handle in future?

What do you mean by substance? You are beginning to sound like the female version of a "nice" guy. Sounds like you just have some red flags and say you have substance just to rationalize why the guys will not commit to you.

[Quiet Storm]

A relationship minded guy isn't going to push someone that he feels is perfect away.

 

If he truly believes you're perfect, he would do everything to keep you around. He won't become distant because he won't want to risk some other guy swooping in. A guy who truly thinks you're awesome knows other guys will think you're great, too. He will be proud to be your man and feel lucky to have you. He will treasure you and you'll be able to feel how much he values you.

 

My guess is that these guys don't really think you're perfect, or they just don't want a relationship. Guys can think you're great, and still not want to get serious. You hope his feelings will inspire him to want what you want, but it doesn't always work out that way.

 

I notice that sometimes we try to analyze another's actions and put a positive spin on it. "He really likes me, but he must be afraid of his feelings." or "he's sabotaging himself." Could you be trying to find some ulterior motive for his fade away, rather than just taking it at face value?

 

Sometimes we will also view another's actions through the lens of our own behavior. For example, if we play a little hard to get sometimes, we might think guys are doing the same thing. When in reality, he may just not be that into you. Another example is assuming a person wants the same thing we want. A lot of women seem to date with hopes of finding "the one"- someone to share your life with. Some guys are just looking for companionship. When a guy like this says you're perfect and he loves you, it doesn't necessarily mean he wants a serious relationship. You hope that his feelings will motivate him to want more, because your feelings make you want more.

 

A serious relationship involves caring and consideration for another person. There's responsibility involved. The other person may have expectations. Some guys just don't want that. They don't want to feel responsible for another person's feelings.

 

This doesn't mean they're scared, IMO. Some women see this as fear or commitment-phobia, but not necessarily. Men can be self aware enough to know that they don't want a serious relationship. But they're often assumed to be confused guys who don't know what's good for them. They may just not want to share their life with another person, even if that person is "perfect".

 

You should look for a guy who is looking for a serious relationship, if that is what you want. A guy who's looking for someone to hopefully spend his life with. A guy like that will be willing to invest his time and energy into building a connection with you. He won't run "scared" because you'll both be on the same page.

[Ami1uwant]

You are perfect for someone---they aren't it.

 

There likely is something with you that is probably nice and sweet to start but is annoying as hell over time.

 

You could be very clingy.

 

Over time there may be some small differences in what you want or like that is in conflict with them.

 

I don't know how old you are but if you have talked of wanting kids soon and he doesn't, he runs.

[tinkerbell16]

Don't believe what these guys are telling you, obviously you're not perfect. No one is.

 

No doubt. 100% agree. I do not think I am perfect. I was given their descriptions of me. I did have a former boyfriend (we are still friends) tell me he got freaked out when he started to have feelings for me early on. He later proposed to me but I was not ready for marriage at that time.

[Robert Z]

Is there such a thing when a guy thinks you are perfect (their words not mine) but sabotages the relationship because they are freaked out about how strongly they feel about you?

 

 

I have told women they are wonderful in every way but not what I'm looking for. They were great as people but we just didn't have that special spark.

 

 

I have only thought one woman was as close to perfect for me as one can get, I was out of my mind in love, still am, and I would marry her in a heartbeat. And I don't really want to get married.

[tinkerbell16]

Probably means the guy isn't ready nor mature enough to be in a healthy thriving and good relationship, or he's terrified of being hurt so it's best for him to ruin things before it gets started.

 

This makes the most sense to me. It has happened 3 times now and all three guys have been hurt/cheated on in the past by their exes. Baggage...

[tinkerbell16]

I have told women they are wonderful in every way but not what I'm looking for. They were great as people but we just didn't have that special spark.

 

 

I have only thought one woman was as close to perfect for me as one can get, I was out of my mind in love, still am, and I would marry her in a heartbeat. And I don't really want to get married.

 

Why don't you ask her?

[tinkerbell16]

Could you give us some more details?

 

But already, with the 2 month guy? Saying ILY in barely two months of dating is a bit of a rush if you ask me. So, in his example, I say you two really didn't even date long enough to truly know each other, much less to say ILY.

 

I did not tell him I loved him (2 mos is too early for sure he said it as we ended a phone conversation... but I suspect it was a sleepy slip on his part.. not intended to be the breakout "I love you" moment. I never acknowledged I heard him say it either...

He was married a long time, now divorced... so I chalked it up as being habit on his part.

[tinkerbell16]

Hi, I'm Gloria25's neighbor...

 

I call it a "preemptive rejection", cuz guys like us think that while you may be showning strong signals of interest now, that in the long run you're gonna dump us.

 

Let me know if you have any more questions...I'll be waiting your questions as I hide behind my car and stare at Gloria25s house

Funny... thanks. Yes, makes sense

[Gloria25]

A relationship minded guy isn't going to push someone that he feels is perfect away.

 

If he truly believes you're perfect, he would do everything to keep you around. He won't become distant because he won't want to risk some other guy swooping in. A guy who truly thinks you're awesome knows other guys will think you're great, too. He will be proud to be your man and feel lucky to have you. He will treasure you and you'll be able to feel how much he values you.

 

My guess is that these guys don't really think you're perfect, or they just don't want a relationship. Guys can think you're great, and still not want to get serious. You hope his feelings will inspire him to want what you want, but it doesn't always work out that way.

 

I notice that sometimes we try to analyze another's actions and put a positive spin on it. "He really likes me, but he must be afraid of his feelings." or "he's sabotaging himself." Could you be trying to find some ulterior motive for his fade away, rather than just taking it at face value?

 

Sometimes we will also view another's actions through the lens of our own behavior. For example, if we play a little hard to get sometimes, we might think guys are doing the same thing. When in reality, he may just not be that into you. Another example is assuming a person wants the same thing we want. A lot of women seem to date with hopes of finding "the one"- someone to share your life with. Some guys are just looking for companionship. When a guy like this says you're perfect and he loves you, it doesn't necessarily mean he wants a serious relationship. You hope that his feelings will motivate him to want more, because your feelings make you want more.

 

A serious relationship involves caring and consideration for another person. There's responsibility involved. The other person may have expectations. Some guys just don't want that. They don't want to feel responsible for another person's feelings.

 

This doesn't mean they're scared, IMO. Some women see this as fear or commitment-phobia, but not necessarily. Men can be self aware enough to know that they don't want a serious relationship. But they're often assumed to be confused guys who don't know what's good for them. They may just not want to share their life with another person, even if that person is "perfect".

 

You should look for a guy who is looking for a serious relationship, if that is what you want. A guy who's looking for someone to hopefully spend his life with. A guy like that will be willing to invest his time and energy into building a connection with you. He won't run "scared" because you'll both be on the same page.

 

Not all people are healthy, have self-esteem, and/or want an "equal" relationship. Some people marry/date down. They have insecurities.

 

Actually, I'm watching Web of Lies on ID and yep, seen this story over and over. Hubby married wife and she's overweight, but as soon as she loses weight, he's upset and wants her to gain it back. He's scared other men will want her.

 

So, relationships like this ^^ aren't built on equality. You have an insecure guy who dated/married down thinking he's got some security in having a woman that other guys wouldn't find attractive and the day she cleaned up herself, he got jealous, insecure and she ended up divorcing him.

 

So, while some people think I and other women are "arrogant" - fact is, some people don't think they're worthy or a particular caliber of person.

 

So yes, even if you meet a guy and you are "perfect", he'll let you go if he's not healthy/secure/mature enough to recognize your worth and want to fight for him.

 

Someone years ago gave me a poem about men and apples on a tree. Some of them don't wanna reach that high up on the tree (to date a "4" or a "5") cuz they think that apple high up there is too difficult to reach and keep. So, they go for low hanging fruit (a "3"). And guys like this rather let you go than do what they can to "claim" you before another guy swoops you up.

 

I've been going through this with neighbor going on three years now. He's with a "3", but just stares, mirrors, and obsesses about me cuz in his mind, he'll never measure up to a guy I'd get with...go figure. And, he'll never date me, ever. He can't even do a one minute convo without running and hiding. Oh, and if he thinks I've met someone and/or moves on, he just gets mad and stares even more...go figure.

 

And, no, this isn't a Gloria25 thumping her chest rant. My neighbor simply can't date at a certain level. His ex, as much I think she's as brain dead as his wife and is a skank, she is more attractive/dateable/a catch than his wife and just like me, he never tried to have something permanent/serious with her either; and, he also just sits around and obsesses over her too. He just doesn't see himself worthy of keeping a certain level of woman around in the long run.

 

It makes me sad cuz I realize dating will be more difficult for me. I don't believe I wear my degree, strength, etc. on my sleeve, but come on, guys just see what I drive and that's enough to make them scratch their heads. Then, if they do take a minute to talk to me, how can I hide that I got my own stuff, got some brains, etc.? **sigh**

Edited April 14, 2016 by Gloria25

[Jabron1]

Not all people are healthy, have self-esteem, and/or want an "equal" relationship. Some people marry/date down. They have insecurities.

 

Actually, I'm watching Web of Lies on ID and yep, seen this story over and over. Hubby married wife and she's overweight, but as soon as she loses weight, he's upset and wants her to gain it back. He's scared other men will want her.

 

So, relationships like this ^^ aren't built on equality. You have an insecure guy who dated/married down thinking he's got some security in having a woman that other guys wouldn't find attractive and the day she cleaned up herself, he got jealous, insecure and she ended up divorcing him.

 

So, while some people think I and other women are "arrogant" - fact is, some people don't think they're worthy or a particular caliber of person.

 

So yes, even if you meet a guy and you are "perfect", he'll let you go if he's not healthy/secure/mature enough to recognize your worth and want to fight for him.

 

Someone years ago gave me a poem about men and apples on a tree. Some of them don't wanna reach that high up on the tree (to date a "4" or a "5") cuz they think that apple high up there is too difficult to reach and keep. So, they go for low hanging fruit (a "3"). And guys like this rather let you go than do what they can to "claim" you before another guy swoops you up.

 

I've been going through this with neighbor going on three years now. He's with a "3", but just stares, mirrors, and obsesses about me cuz in his mind, he'll never measure up to a guy I'd get with...go figure. And, he'll never date me, ever. He can't even do a one minute convo without running and hiding. Oh, and if he thinks I've met someone and/or moves on, he just gets mad and stares even more...go figure.

 

And, no, this isn't a Gloria25 thumping her chest rant. My neighbor simply can't date at a certain level. His ex, as much I think she's as brain dead as his wife and is a skank, she is more attractive/dateable/a catch than his wife and just like me, he never tried to have something permanent/serious with her either; and, he also just sits around and obsesses over her too. He just doesn't see himself worthy of keeping a certain level of woman around in the long run.

 

It makes me sad cuz I realize dating will be more difficult for me. I don't believe I wear my degree, strength, etc. on my sleeve, but come on, guys just see what I drive and that's enough to make them scratch their heads. Then, if they do take a minute to talk to me, how can I hide that I got my own stuff, got some brains, etc.? **sigh**

 

 

 

Sorry Gloria, but hearing about your frustrations with your neighbour and his overweight wife is funny. You should make a journal about it; I'd read it.

 

But yeah, strong people make weak people feel 'insecure' or whatever. Don't worry about it. It's their problem, not yours.

[Woggle]

Most guys don't leave when it actually is great. It's just something they tell women to let them down nicely.

[Tribble]

Not all people are healthy, have self-esteem, and/or want an "equal" relationship.

 

So yes, even if you meet a guy and you are "perfect", he'll let you go if he's not healthy/secure/mature enough to recognize your worth and want to fight for him.

 

I think these points have real value. Of course mature, emotionally healthy guys wouldn't let someone who they feel is perfect go. But not everyone is mature and emotionally healthy unfortunately. It's similar with this whole 'leagues' thing. I hate it. My ex broke up with me for these kind of reasons. Thought he wasn't good enough for me, I was too 'good' for him, he was 'bad' for me etc. He was sooo insecure. In the end, he was afraid I would see our relationship and him the way he did, which was full of negativity and I would leave him heartbroken. He was pre-empting what he thought was a sure thing. It wasn't - I wanted to spend my life with him. But he's young and not ready to settle down with someone like me, even though he claimed I was 'perfect' (definitely, definitely not!) and he loved me. Hopefully he'll meet someone else 'perfect' at the right time in his life in the future and he'll be happy.

[acrosstheuniverse]

A relationship minded guy isn't going to push someone that he feels is perfect away.

 

If he truly believes you're perfect, he would do everything to keep you around. He won't become distant because he won't want to risk some other guy swooping in. A guy who truly thinks you're awesome knows other guys will think you're great, too. He will be proud to be your man and feel lucky to have you. He will treasure you and you'll be able to feel how much he values you.

 

My guess is that these guys don't really think you're perfect, or they just don't want a relationship. Guys can think you're great, and still not want to get serious. You hope his feelings will inspire him to want what you want, but it doesn't always work out that way.

 

I notice that sometimes we try to analyze another's actions and put a positive spin on it. "He really likes me, but he must be afraid of his feelings." or "he's sabotaging himself." Could you be trying to find some ulterior motive for his fade away, rather than just taking it at face value?

 

Sometimes we will also view another's actions through the lens of our own behavior. For example, if we play a little hard to get sometimes, we might think guys are doing the same thing. When in reality, he may just not be that into you. Another example is assuming a person wants the same thing we want. A lot of women seem to date with hopes of finding "the one"- someone to share your life with. Some guys are just looking for companionship. When a guy like this says you're perfect and he loves you, it doesn't necessarily mean he wants a serious relationship. You hope that his feelings will motivate him to want more, because your feelings make you want more.

 

A serious relationship involves caring and consideration for another person. There's responsibility involved. The other person may have expectations. Some guys just don't want that. They don't want to feel responsible for another person's feelings.

 

This doesn't mean they're scared, IMO. Some women see this as fear or commitment-phobia, but not necessarily. Men can be self aware enough to know that they don't want a serious relationship. But they're often assumed to be confused guys who don't know what's good for them. They may just not want to share their life with another person, even if that person is "perfect".

 

You should look for a guy who is looking for a serious relationship, if that is what you want. A guy who's looking for someone to hopefully spend his life with. A guy like that will be willing to invest his time and energy into building a connection with you. He won't run "scared" because you'll both be on the same page.

 

 

This is such a brilliant post, I wish more people would print this out and pin it up next to their computers! Bravo!

 

Your third to last paragraph reminds me a lot of an ex of mine, we were only together five months but fell hard for one another and had an amazing connection, we just clicked and the intimacy was out of this world. But a little stress at work came up and he ended it saying he... You know what, I actually can't remember now, something about having too much on his plate. I accepted it, was upset but got over it. A while later his best guy friend I occasionally said hello to because we had a professional connection told me that exact thing, that he thought the guy did care about me but he just wasn't ready for a serious relationship and all that they involve, putting someone else's needs equal to their own, taking someone into consideration, sharing their time and compromising on issues. Knowing my ex, it made a lot of sense, and I believed it for that reason, not because I was kidding myself that it wasn't me, I know if I was the right girl for him maybe he'd have found the drive within him to commit but whatever the reason, he just wasn't as invested and I think missed his single life of drinking with his buddies whenever.

 

I tore myself to shreds over that thinking I must have something wrong with me, all of my relationships end, blah blah the usual pity party, a few months later I met someone new who did treat me exactly as you detail above, and within six months we'd signed a lease and have been living happily together the past two years. I can see such a difference in the attitudes between a guy who is used to being happily single who decided to start something with someone he really liked but wanted the companionship vs a man who was ready and willing to throw it all in and build a life together, move with me for my work, and take me into consideration at all times.

 

Your post just really resonated with me