men's point of view needed - why do u run when it's "perfect"

[NTV]

You know... Next date you have, just fart and pretend to be embarrassed by it. Then if they use the word perfect, you'll know that they're blowing smoke and don't mean it.

 

 

Could you do that?

[Emilia]

Another reason why I think a so-called "perfect" woman might make some men uncomfortable (enough to leave) is because when a woman is so perfect, they in turn feel pressured to be perfect as well.

 

In their minds, they're thinking, "wow she's so perfect, what if I screw up? What if I am not perfect, will she reject me?"

 

They feel pressured to be perfect too, and that can be a turn off.

 

I have also found (through experience) that men (some not all) like women with a bit of an edge.... a little flawed, who is genuine, doesn't try too hard and who WILL make some mistakes.

 

God knows I have! But my boyfriends seem to welcome that... perhaps it gives them some reassurance to know that they are allowed to make mistakes too.... and I will still be there.

 

Just a thought.

I think some men are uncomfortable with driven women, I had been told by male friends (completely platonic) that they would find my drive difficult and I know it had bothered guys in the past. I can be relentless, I don't mean in the nagging sense but I have little money-making schemes on the go all the time. A bit of this a bit of that. New ideas, new skills, changing industry, set up a small business, a couple of grand here a couple of grand there, find a new property for a friend, etc. My male friend told me that he would have felt he had to keep up all the time - even thought these are MY ideas and not about the guys I date.

 

While the other way round it doesn't really work. You look around, it's the girl following the boy all the time. He thinks of something and she will join him or stay at home. You won't really see a girl leading, might see a woman leading but not a girl.

[seamos]

I didn't read all the posts but this came to mind; although I've read many times that a guy supposedly sabotages a relationship because a woman is too perfect I have never heard one of my friends say they were doing it because their woman was too perfect.

 

I think there might be something they're not telling you.

[katiegrl]

I didn't read all the posts but this came to mind; although I've read many times that a guy supposedly sabotages a relationship because a woman is too perfect I have never heard one of my friends say they were doing it because their woman was too perfect.

 

I hardly think anyone (man or woman) would actually admit that.

 

To themselves or anyone else.

 

They may not even realize it, all they know is they're uncomfortable, turned off or whatever they may be and want to get away from those feelings so end it.

[Gloria25]

Some men just can't handle an independent woman. It's a balance - you could be too independent, too "in charge" - see, Men want to be able to fix things, they are fixers - they actually want you to come to them with a problem they can fix..they want appreciation, admiration, respect and a sense of need - now that's the tricky part - they want you to need them so they can swoop in and fix your problems and feel like a super hero BUT they don't want you to need them too much or too often - no one wants a cling on

 

BUT men also have a provide and protect mode ingrained in their brains..so if you are too busy doing your own providing and protecting they will move on to a girl that makes them feel like a hero -someone that is in aww of them. Of course they will probably lose interest in that after awhile too - so?? who the hell knows!

One thing I can tell you for sure is that NO man wants to date another man - so if you "wear the pants" or are too masculine in your attitude, or energy - it's a turn off - you can be "one of the boys" and be "cool" to hang out with but you also have to be soft and girly - otherwise it's like dating another man.

And this is going to sound so old fashioned BUT it's the honest truth - NEVER be disrespectful, especially in front of others - I'll give you an example of a couple I met about a year ago - the wife was drunk and making fun of her husband - talking down to him and making comments about his small....all in fun, just joking of course - they are divorced now and I don't blame him one bit - it was horrible to witness and I didn't think she was one bit funny, neither did anyone else..she treated him with such disrespect - she was shocked when he filed for divorce after 20 years of marriage - I guess he finally decided that he had had enough of her "jokes"..some couples get into a bad habit of calling each other names and cutting each other to the bone when they argue - that's a bad bad habit and will almost always end the R. My H used to laugh about my "no disrespect" rule but now, after seeing so many couples treat each other like crap - he's glad that we don't degrade each other like that. Something to think about.

 

And, what I like about my current guy is that he (so far) isn't scared of me. He actually said that I have a balance of independence and masculinity/feminity that is ok. In other words, he sees that while I am and capable of taking charge, I know when to take a back seat and support my man. I can change a part on a greasy truck, yet bake a darn good turkey.. .I can be dirty and dingy from landscaping, yet put on a sexy bra, thong and thensome to greet him at the doorstep.

 

It's so refreshing to have him see me for who I am without me having to downplay my strengths, fake vulnerabilities, try too hard to show that I need him, etc.

Edited May 21, 2016 by Gloria25

[Quiet Storm]

My husband also likes to be needed sometimes. Yeah, I could hop on the kitchen counter to reach the top shelf of the cabinet, but he likes doing stuff like that. So I ask him, and then I thank him for it. I've noticed that he likes to be thanked and likes feeling helpful. Puts a little pep in his step and glide in his stride .

 

I do stuff for him, too.

[katiegrl]

Ladies thoughts/experience with similar welcome too!

Is there such a thing when a guy thinks you are perfect (their words not mine) but sabotages the relationship because they are freaked out about how strongly they feel about you?

Now I realize I am not perfect but I have had a few recent dating experiences where as soon as they get close they fade

I have heard from each guy how I am "perfect, cool, hot, sweet, funny, smart, sucessful", I have been introduced to friends and family (prompted by them) then they fade or do something to cause a breakup.

I had my recent guy of two months say "I love you" at the end of the last phone conversation as he hung up (accidentally said it I assume) but has since not made any plans to see me and is showing signs of fading.

 

I am starting to think I need to be screwed up to keep their interest.

Being a "hot, sucessful, sweet, smart woman" is leaving me broken hearted over and over. I am building walls each time it happens and I don't want to be that way.

 

Is this a real thing? Starting to feel my exterior is attracting guys that freak out once they realize I have substance.

 

Any advice how to handle in future?

 

I just read this again and OP seems to be talking about two different issues.

 

First issue is they think she is *perfect."

 

Second issue is she says they seems to leave as soon as they get close and develop strong feelings for her.

 

Two entirely different things!

 

I suspect the real issue is that for some reason, the OP attracts men who have a fear of intimacy/commitment.

 

It wouldn't matter if she were a hot mess, as soon as THEY get close, they are off and running!

 

Tinkerbell, I think you should explore nthis.

 

Why YOU attract these type of men..

 

The answer to tgat may, in fact, be found within you....

[Trout]

I just read this again and OP seems to be talking about two different issues.

 

First issue is they think she is *perfect."

 

Second issue is she says they seems to leave as soon as they get close and develop strong feelings for her.

 

Two entirely different things!

 

I suspect the real issue is that for some reason, the OP attracts men who have a fear of intimacy/commitment.

 

It wouldn't matter if she were a hot mess, as soon as THEY get close, they are off and running!

 

Tinkerbell, I think you should explore nthis.

 

Why YOU attract these type of men..

 

The answer to tgat may, in fact, be found within you....

 

Not necessarily. Maybe she just hasn't found the right guy yet. Most relationships don't work out

[katiegrl]

Not necessarily. Maybe she just hasn't found the right guy yet. Most relationships don't work out

 

My response was based on what she wrote in her original post.

 

That the men she dates leave as soon as they get close and develop feelings for her.

 

HER words.

 

THAT would indicate a fear of intimacy/commitment.

 

But yeah I agree.

 

If that is the case, obviously they were NOT the right guys!

[Trout]

My response was based on what she wrote in her original post.

 

That the men she dates leave as soon as they get close and develop feelings for her.

 

HER words.

 

THAT would indicate a fear of intimacy/commitment.

 

But yeah I agree.

 

If that is the case, obviously they were NOT the right guys!

right. Those words suggest that. But until you meet the right person it always feels like you never will

[Buddhist]

As a woman, it took me a long, long time to stop with the social programming of attempting to be everyone's counsellor. Unfortunately society teaches girls that their role in life is to be an emotional support for other people. These then grow into women who think they need to analyse and get to the bottom of everyone's behaviour. :roll eyes:

 

The truth is, women are not the emotional support for other people, any more than men are the bodyguards for other people. It's a ridiculous notion. We are all individually responsible for our own emotions, behaviours and the consequences of them. But still people post on here trying to get to the bottom of every person's behaviour who ever rejects them. Maybe it's not your job to do that. Maybe our job is to just accept what's happening on a surface level and move on.

 

By all means analyse yourself to death. Have a look at what's happening and connect the dots on the commonalities between them. But I can guarantee that the commonality is not going to be found in trying to speculate on what that's person's thoughts and feelings are all about. There is no possible way to know. You can only speculate and then tell yourself stories about it which in all likelihood have no basis in reality. The answer is going to be found in you.

[letmoc]

As a woman, it took me a long, long time to stop with the social programming of attempting to be everyone's counsellor. Unfortunately society teaches girls that their role in life is to be an emotional support for other people. These then grow into women who think they need to analyse and get to the bottom of everyone's behaviour. :roll eyes:

 

The truth is, women are not the emotional support for other people, any more than men are the bodyguards for other people. It's a ridiculous notion. We are all individually responsible for our own emotions, behaviours and the consequences of them. But still people post on here trying to get to the bottom of every person's behaviour who ever rejects them. Maybe it's not your job to do that. Maybe our job is to just accept what's happening on a surface level and move on.

 

By all means analyse yourself to death. Have a look at what's happening and connect the dots on the commonalities between them. But I can guarantee that the commonality is not going to be found in trying to speculate on what that's person's thoughts and feelings are all about. There is no possible way to know. You can only speculate and then tell yourself stories about it which in all likelihood have no basis in reality. The answer is going to be found in you.

 

I could not agree more.

[tinkerbell16]

Didn't read all the posts. Could be these guys were telling you that you were perfect because that's what they thought you wanted to hear.

 

That may be the case...I imagine it probably caught them off guard when my response was " thank you but no one is perfect... including me" For the record I do not consider myself perfect. I am human... with faults.

[tinkerbell16]

Ya know, as a guy, I really wanted to argue this, but I can't it's pretty spot on. I know that describes me perfectly. I like helping a woman out. I like dating a girl that needs me to do things for her. Yeah, it can get old when she acts like she can't do anything at all and just has me do the dumbest stuff, but I do like being needed. Luckily, I have never dated a woman that didn't need me for something. Either she needs me to fix her computer, or move some furniture, fix some stuff around the house, whatever, they always seem to need me...and I do like it.

 

Your story about the drunk disrespectful wife? That chick would be gone in a heartbeat. No question about it.

 

Interestingly enough because I am independent (and know that guys feel valued when needed by the woman in their life) I would be conscious of asking small things... like opinions in areas they were confident and strong in. Brings me back to wondering if that plays a part in how some guys are attracted to hot mess damsel in distress girls. There is tons of opportunities to feel valued in this scenario. May not even be on a conscious level... it's primal.

[tinkerbell16]

It is possible OP needs to adjust her picker away from emotionally unavailable men. The houdini type will make extravagantly loving gestures and then disappear.

 

Adjusting my picker as we speak... fine tuning, and tuning some more just to be sure I am in no hurry for the next... which is a beautiful feeling. Or maybe I have become emotionally unavailable. Geez chicken... egg. Lol

[tinkerbell16]

Right because when a girl is perfect, sweet, successful and stable, in his commitment phobe brain, that means he *should* want to marry her or be in a relationship with her.

 

But since that ISN'T what he wants or has a fear of it, he sabotages by running away.

 

With a screwed up girl, he feels more comfortable because he has a built in reason for not wanting to commit to her.

 

 

I am going to work on being less stable. Not to keep a man per se but because it sounds rather fun (kidding

 

Kidding aside... Bottom line is the right guy, who is secure enough in himself, won't feel threatened of my strengths.

[tinkerbell16]

I could not agree more.

 

I suspect the answer IS with me in that I attract emotionally unavailable men who act confident but actually suffer from self esteem issues that causes them to feel threatened when they start to attach to me. Fight or flight takes hold and they choose flight (preemptive rejection).

 

Or... they just weren't that into me. Lol

[katiegrl]

Right because when a girl is perfect, sweet, successful and stable, in his commitment phobe brain, that means he *should* want to marry her or be in a relationship with her.

 

But since that ISN'T what he wants or has a fear of it, he sabotages by running away.

 

With a screwed up girl, he feels more comfortable because he has a built in reason for not wanting to commit to her.

 

 

I am going to work on being less stable. Not to keep a man per se but because it sounds rather fun (kidding

 

Kidding aside... Bottom line is the right guy, who is secure enough in himself, won't feel threatened of my strengths.

 

Yes obviously.

 

The man in the first scenario has commitment issues and therefore is NOT emotionally healthy.

[tinkerbell16]

I moved my arse across state lines when I found the perfect woman so I could date her. I've spent 11 hours traveling by bus once and hiked 3 hours another time for a chance to see her. There is no running away involved when it's right.

 

I honestly don't know why these guys are running but I wouldn't take much of what they have to say seriously. They already said what they really think by not sticking around. Maybe you can get one of your friends who knows you better to be honest.

 

I did, they said he was an insecure, emotionally unavailable man boy with boundary issues. I don't know if they are right and I am certain they are biased...but it sure helped in my "healing". Lol.

[tinkerbell16]

 

Sorry Gloria, but hearing about your frustrations with your neighbour and his overweight wife is funny. You should make a journal about it; I'd read it.

 

But yeah, strong people make weak people feel 'insecure' or whatever. Don't worry about it. It's their problem, not yours.

 

Preach! Love this Jabron. Guys have insecurities and I am learning some are excellent at masking them. I am tuned into signs now. Even the most sucessful, handsome, outgoing guys (both of these guys fit this discription) can actually be very insecure. Say.. if they had multiple woman cheat on them (which they also both did) it manifests deep down and when they start to feel attached to me they start to be vulnerable so they crash and burn.

I could be way off. Maybe they were players and I got played. In any case I will just keep being me and they can be them and we are both better not fitting square pegs into round holes (no pun intended)

[tinkerbell16]

Update: I am getting to know a new guy... second date going really well, we have dinner and then go for a walk and end up talking and laughing for 3 hours then mid conversation he takes my hand and says "where have you been my whole life" followed by "do you realize you are every man's dream?" then... "you are the perfect woman"

I almost spit my drink out.

So yeah... this one probably won't last lol

[katiegrl]

Update: I am getting to know a new guy... second date going really well, we have dinner and then go for a walk and end up talking and laughing for 3 hours then mid conversation he takes my hand and says "where have you been my whole life" followed by "do you realize you are every man's dream?" then... "you are the perfect woman"

I almost spit my drink out.

So yeah... this one probably won't last lol

 

Yeah... he's horny. It's going around. lol

[tinkerbell16]

Yeah... he's horny. It's going around. lol

 

Lol he may be gone sooner than later because this girl doesn't give it up over a few silly words