men's point of view needed - why do u run when it's "perfect"

[LivingWaterPlease]

I do believe there are situations where a guy thinks a woman is perfect on paper but he's just not into her and doesn't know why. He may even have scratched his head about it, so to speak, trying to figure out why he isn't in to her and wishing he could be.

 

I also think it's possible when someone is described as perfect by the date (man or woman) yet the man or woman isn't into said person, it could be because they perceive the person as bland in some way. This is my first thought about the situation as I have encountered guys I'd categorize this way and wished I could feel the spark with the person.

[Tribble]

This is such a brilliant post, I wish more people would print this out and pin it up next to their computers! Bravo!

 

Your third to last paragraph reminds me a lot of an ex of mine, we were only together five months but fell hard for one another and had an amazing connection, we just clicked and the intimacy was out of this world. But a little stress at work came up and he ended it saying he... You know what, I actually can't remember now, something about having too much on his plate. I accepted it, was upset but got over it. A while later his best guy friend I occasionally said hello to because we had a professional connection told me that exact thing, that he thought the guy did care about me but he just wasn't ready for a serious relationship and all that they involve, putting someone else's needs equal to their own, taking someone into consideration, sharing their time and compromising on issues. Knowing my ex, it made a lot of sense, and I believed it for that reason, not because I was kidding myself that it wasn't me, I know if I was the right girl for him maybe he'd have found the drive within him to commit but whatever the reason, he just wasn't as invested and I think missed his single life of drinking with his buddies whenever.

 

I tore myself to shreds over that thinking I must have something wrong with me, all of my relationships end, blah blah the usual pity party, a few months later I met someone new who did treat me exactly as you detail above, and within six months we'd signed a lease and have been living happily together the past two years. I can see such a difference in the attitudes between a guy who is used to being happily single who decided to start something with someone he really liked but wanted the companionship vs a man who was ready and willing to throw it all in and build a life together, move with me for my work, and take me into consideration at all times.

 

Your post just really resonated with me

 

Great post! This is the same with the guy I spoke about above. He chased and chased me, wanted to move in together, wanted to have kids pretty soon, the whole future thing. I was more hesitant. It was all too soon to me. Once I started coming round to his thinking, he bailed. I think the final nail in the coffin was when I met his Dad and he said he'd kill him if he ever let me go. That was forever talk and he wasn't ready for it. He broke up with me a week later.

 

 

I'm happy you managed to find someone who makes you so happy. I hope I'm as lucky soon!

[stillafool]

I don't know OP, every man who has told me I'm perfect for him has asked me to be his gf or married me. I can't understand why a man who felt a woman was perfect for him would let her go. Doesn't make sense.

[cc_zero]

Just a thought, but you seem to be somehow unconsciously choosing vulnerable men. Since they already have past issues, they are probably the take it slow, not sure if i'm ready for any of this, etc. type.

 

Is there something about that type of potentially reserved, vulnerable male that you are attracted to?

 

Maybe try to switch it up to someone more spontaneous/adventurous/assertive. You might get different results.

[Liam1]

Now I realize I am not perfect but I have had a few recent dating experiences where as soon as they get close they fade

I have heard from each guy how I am "perfect, cool, hot, sweet, funny, smart, sucessful", I have been introduced to friends and family (prompted by them) then they fade or do something to cause a breakup.

I had my recent guy of two months say "I love you" at the end of the last phone conversation as he hung up (accidentally said it I assume) but has since not made any plans to see me and is showing signs of fading.

 

 

It's possible that your ex boyfriends are telling you the truth.

 

The issue may be that they see you as a serious girlfriend material or wife material, but he is not ready for that, at the time you two are dating.

 

It's likely that they see you as a serious girl who is only looking for a serious relationship rather than a casual dating relationship.

 

Perhaps they want to play the field more and because he likes and respects you he does not want to hurt you.

 

Maybe you can mention immediately that you are looking for a serious relationship and if they are not you are not interested.

 

This way you will not waste your time with someone who is not yet ready for marriage.

[SwordofFlame]

Not all people are healthy, have self-esteem, and/or want an "equal" relationship. Some people marry/date down. They have insecurities.

 

Actually, I'm watching Web of Lies on ID and yep, seen this story over and over. Hubby married wife and she's overweight, but as soon as she loses weight, he's upset and wants her to gain it back. He's scared other men will want her.

 

So, relationships like this ^^ aren't built on equality. You have an insecure guy who dated/married down thinking he's got some security in having a woman that other guys wouldn't find attractive and the day she cleaned up herself, he got jealous, insecure and she ended up divorcing him.

 

So, while some people think I and other women are "arrogant" - fact is, some people don't think they're worthy or a particular caliber of person.

 

So yes, even if you meet a guy and you are "perfect", he'll let you go if he's not healthy/secure/mature enough to recognize your worth and want to fight for him.

 

Someone years ago gave me a poem about men and apples on a tree. Some of them don't wanna reach that high up on the tree (to date a "4" or a "5") cuz they think that apple high up there is too difficult to reach and keep. So, they go for low hanging fruit (a "3"). And guys like this rather let you go than do what they can to "claim" you before another guy swoops you up.

 

I've been going through this with neighbor going on three years now. He's with a "3", but just stares, mirrors, and obsesses about me cuz in his mind, he'll never measure up to a guy I'd get with...go figure. And, he'll never date me, ever. He can't even do a one minute convo without running and hiding. Oh, and if he thinks I've met someone and/or moves on, he just gets mad and stares even more...go figure.

 

And, no, this isn't a Gloria25 thumping her chest rant. My neighbor simply can't date at a certain level. His ex, as much I think she's as brain dead as his wife and is a skank, she is more attractive/dateable/a catch than his wife and just like me, he never tried to have something permanent/serious with her either; and, he also just sits around and obsesses over her too. He just doesn't see himself worthy of keeping a certain level of woman around in the long run.

 

It makes me sad cuz I realize dating will be more difficult for me. I don't believe I wear my degree, strength, etc. on my sleeve, but come on, guys just see what I drive and that's enough to make them scratch their heads. Then, if they do take a minute to talk to me, how can I hide that I got my own stuff, got some brains, etc.? **sigh**

 

I have to mention the theory that there's usually a reacher and settler in a lot of relationships. The reacher is always anxious and insecure because they know the settler could do better. The settler feels just the opposite. I guess some guys just want to be the settler?

[Gloria25]

 

Sorry Gloria, but hearing about your frustrations with your neighbour and his overweight wife is funny. You should make a journal about it; I'd read it.

 

But yeah, strong people make weak people feel 'insecure' or whatever. Don't worry about it. It's their problem, not yours.

 

I know, but it still sucks cuz like Tribble posted - you feel like "your" the problem cuz people tell you it's something "You" are doing and I'm like, really?

 

So, ok, lemme gain some weight, drive a tuna can, and burn my degrees and work at Burger King and I should get endless proposals for marriage in a day? Is that's what it's gonna take for me to get married?

 

I was watching ID last nite with this woman who had no kids and lived with a "partner". She was an uppity witch who was mean and her "partner" was her "pet". I'm not that kind of woman. I can do my thing and hold my own, yet know how to treat my man, but guys don't even take the time to get to know you, they look on the surface and quickly dismiss you. Oh, well, that's their loss. They can keep on going for "3" and below and hopefully that makes them happy. Oh, no, they're not really happy cuz they spend their time obsessing over what they are too scared to actually pursue.

[Gloria25]

I have to mention the theory that there's usually a reacher and settler in a lot of relationships. The reacher is always anxious and insecure because they know the settler could do better. The settler feels just the opposite. I guess some guys just want to be the settler?

 

Actually, I believe there are RLs where both are settlers and/or reachers. They both cling onto each other, cuz they both think that the other can't do better than them. But, in the OP's case, seems like she ran across some settlers who threw her back into the water cuz they're afraid they can't keep her in the long run.

 

Maybe with age and maturity they'll be ready for a RL with someone they value (not settle for) and actually know what they may want...but, if they're like some people, no matter age/maturity, they still are gonna settle cuz they don't feel good about themselves.

 

I don't know, I think settler and reachers are hand-in-hand in the same person. Cuz, think about it - the reacher, by your explanation has anxiety and insecurities, so they seek out someone that THEY will settle for. In other words, they are also a settler cuz the reacher is so insecure about getting the person they actually want, cuz they fear the person they actually want will leave them, so the reacher "settles" for someone else beneath them and/or what they are lukewarm about.

[Kamille]

Haven't read the whole thread but, as someone who's been on both the receiving end giving end of the "you're perfect" spiel:

 

The subtext here: you're great but for reasons that escape me, we're incompatible / I don't see long term potential with you.

 

It happens. Nothing wrong with you. Nothing wrong with them. These men were just not your guy.

[Robert Z]

Why don't you ask her?

 

I did. I wasn't going to let her get away without trying.

 

 

She's 30 years younger than me so it was a long shot.

Edited April 14, 2016 by Robert Z

[blackcat777]

It is possible OP needs to adjust her picker away from emotionally unavailable men. The houdini type will make extravagantly loving gestures and then disappear.

Edited May 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to commercial site redacted

[tinkerbell16]

It's possible that your ex boyfriends are telling you the truth.

 

The issue may be that they see you as a serious girlfriend material or wife material, but he is not ready for that, at the time you two are dating.

 

It's likely that they see you as a serious girl who is only looking for a serious relationship rather than a casual dating relationship.

 

Perhaps they want to play the field more and because he likes and respects you he does not want to hurt you.

 

Maybe you can mention immediately that you are looking for a serious relationship and if they are not you are not interested.

 

This way you will not waste your time with someone who is not yet ready for marriage.

 

I was clear about wanting an exclusive long term thing with them... they said they wanted the same...

[tinkerbell16]

It's possible that your ex boyfriends are telling you the truth.

 

The issue may be that they see you as a serious girlfriend material or wife material, but he is not ready for that, at the time you two are dating.

 

It's likely that they see you as a serious girl who is only looking for a serious relationship rather than a casual dating relationship.

 

Perhaps they want to play the field more and because he likes and respects you he does not want to hurt you.

 

Maybe you can mention immediately that you are looking for a serious relationship and if they are not you are not interested.

 

This way you will not waste your time with someone who is not yet ready for marriage.

Lol maybe I need to work on being less of a great "catch" to actually keep them around

Kidding bit yeah kind of sucks to keep getting the same results.

I still am in touch with an old boyfriend who has told me after we started dating he was terrified at how he felt about me, he had prior to meeting me decided he would never marry or even trust a women. He started acting out at about 2 mos into our relationship. He eventually asked me to marry him (I declined for different reasons). We both moved on but communicate. I have been literally told unprompted "you are marriage material" by a subsequent boyfriend who then started acting out... had to drop him.

I am not even discussion marriage with these guys.. they bring it up. At this point marriage is the last thing on my mind. I am just trying to figure out why being so "great" is getting me nada.

They all claim to want long term things then when the potential is in front of them they self destruct.

 

Any advice on how to weed out the runners if having the what are you looking for convo and believing their answer isn't effective thus far. Any ideas from a male perspective?

[elaine567]

There is a bit difference between recognising that a person is "marriage material" and actually wanting to marry them.

 

Just because two people each want a long term relationship, doesn't mean they have to marry each other, it doest work like that.

[gaius]

I moved my arse across state lines when I found the perfect woman so I could date her. I've spent 11 hours traveling by bus once and hiked 3 hours another time for a chance to see her. There is no running away involved when it's right.

 

I honestly don't know why these guys are running but I wouldn't take much of what they have to say seriously. They already said what they really think by not sticking around. Maybe you can get one of your friends who knows you better to be honest.

[brothers343]

I wouldn't want a perfect woman, she wouldn't give me a challenge. Therefore I would get bored of her. Some of the most expensive paintings in the world, are some of the ugliest. Perfection doesn't exist in the human world.

[Timshel]

Lol maybe I need to work on being less of a great "catch" to actually keep them around

Kidding bit yeah kind of sucks to keep getting the same results.

I still am in touch with an old boyfriend who has told me after we started dating he was terrified at how he felt about me, he had prior to meeting me decided he would never marry or even trust a women. He started acting out at about 2 mos into our relationship. He eventually asked me to marry him (I declined for different reasons). We both moved on but communicate. I have been literally told unprompted "you are marriage material" by a subsequent boyfriend who then started acting out... had to drop him.

I am not even discussion marriage with these guys.. they bring it up. At this point marriage is the last thing on my mind. I am just trying to figure out why being so "great" is getting me nada.

They all claim to want long term things then when the potential is in front of them they self destruct.

 

Any advice on how to weed out the runners if having the what are you looking for convo and believing their answer isn't effective thus far. Any ideas from a male perspective?

 

Not a male but yes....my advice is to stop taking every man you are dating so seriously in what seems to be (few months) a relatively short period of time.

You seem to be more interested in whether or not they are taking you seriously than what your feelings are for them. These were not men that deserved the full monty but you gave it to them anyway hoping that they would see you as marriage material. How's that working for you?

 

Not every man you date will be someone who is right for you for the long haul. It takes time to determine that and bringing on the full Martha Stewart and serving up a diamond platter of yourself to men who really have not excluded themselves as awesome for you is wasted effort and frankly, disingenuous. Be more selective.

 

I'm in a brash mood so I will say that though I have dated a fair share of men over the years (I'm 47), only five of them made it into my pants and got the full Timshel experience ....5. Three of them proposed, I married two and am currently dating the fifth.

My first marriage ended in divorce after 12 years, my second landed me a widow.

 

I agree with Elaine....there is a difference between acknowledging that a person is 'quality' and actually wanting to marry them.

Compatibility and that ubiquitous kismet need to be present...hold out for that and in the mean time, have fun, vive', enjoy dating and life in general. Marriage will come if and when and with whom is right for you. Don't try to force a square into a circle and do not want what shouldn't be!

 

Brothers343....Although ridiculously challenging, perfect for G.

[tinkerbell16]

Not a male but yes....my advice is to stop taking every man you are dating so seriously in what seems to be (few months) a relatively short period of time.

You seem to be more interested in whether or not they are taking you seriously than what your feelings are for them. These were not men that deserved the full monty but you gave it to them anyway hoping that they would see you as marriage material. How's that working for you?

 

Not every man you date will be someone who is right for you for the long haul. It takes time to determine that and bringing on the full Martha Stewart and serving up a diamond platter of yourself to men who really have not excluded themselves as awesome for you is wasted effort and frankly, disingenuous. Be more selective.

 

I'm in a brash mood so I will say that though I have dated a fair share of men over the years (I'm 47), only five of them made it into my pants and got the full Timshel experience ....5. Three of them proposed, I married two and am currently dating the fifth.

My first marriage ended in divorce after 12 years, my second landed me a widow.

 

I agree with Elaine....there is a difference between acknowledging that a person is 'quality' and actually wanting to marry them.

Compatibility and that ubiquitous kismet need to be present...hold out for that and in the mean time, have fun, vive', enjoy dating and life in general. Marriage will come if and when and with whom is right for you. Don't try to force a square into a circle and do not want what shouldn't be!

 

Brothers343....Although ridiculously challenging, perfect for G.

 

Thanks for the insight. I definitely don't bring up marriage. I have a pretty busy life and professional career and actually don't really know if I would ever marry... again.

 

I am far from serious. I have a serious side that has to be "on" for my work but I am an open minded and dare I say... silly on my off time. I am all about living life to the fullest. My friends call me vivacious. I am pretty good balance of outgoing and introspective. I have never been described as boring lol I have come to a conclusion that for whatever reason I am attracting emotionally immature men. Now interestingly enough... they all are very sucessful and from the exterior at least... they seem to be very confident and secure but as the relationship progresses they display signs of insecurity and jealousy and basically self distruct because I won't put up with the shenanigans. But right now I am enjoying being single... and what I mean by that is not dating at ALL. Really want to enjoy my friends and my family for a bit. Expose myself to some new cultures even. I am open to dating down the road if even in a different "pool" so to speak... get out of my own professional circle.

But for now... just enjoying life

[tinkerbell16]

Thanks for the insight. I definitely don't bring up marriage. I have a pretty busy life and professional career and actually don't really know if I would ever marry... again.

 

I am far from serious. I have a serious side that has to be "on" for my work but I am an open minded and dare I say... silly on my off time. I am all about living life to the fullest. My friends call me vivacious. I am pretty good balance of outgoing and introspective. I have never been described as boring lol I have come to a conclusion that for whatever reason I am attracting emotionally immature men. Now interestingly enough... they all are very sucessful and from the exterior at least... they seem to be very confident and secure but as the relationship progresses they display signs of insecurity and jealousy and basically self distruct because I won't put up with the shenanigans. But right now I am enjoying being single... and what I mean by that is not dating at ALL. Really want to enjoy my friends and my family for a bit. Expose myself to some new cultures even. I am open to dating down the road if even in a different "pool" so to speak... get out of my own professional circle.

But for now... just enjoying life

 

I realize I was addressing several posters comments and not just this last commenter. Still trying to figure out how to respond directly to each line lol as you may have guessed I am not in the tech field.

 

To this posters definition of "serious" I agree... I told all of these guys to I wanted to move slowwwww... and also never mentioned marriage (not opposed just not sure it is what I want right now) They all brought it up at some point. Maybe they were reading from the player handbook of what every girl wants to hear... who knows. No matter. I will be way more selective moving forward and be really conscious of boundary pushers.

[NTV]

Didn't read all the posts. Could be these guys were telling you that you were perfect because that's what they thought you wanted to hear.

[gemini6]

Some men just can't handle an independent woman. It's a balance - you could be too independent, too "in charge" - see, Men want to be able to fix things, they are fixers - they actually want you to come to them with a problem they can fix..they want appreciation, admiration, respect and a sense of need - now that's the tricky part - they want you to need them so they can swoop in and fix your problems and feel like a super hero BUT they don't want you to need them too much or too often - no one wants a cling on

 

BUT men also have a provide and protect mode ingrained in their brains..so if you are too busy doing your own providing and protecting they will move on to a girl that makes them feel like a hero -someone that is in aww of them. Of course they will probably lose interest in that after awhile too - so?? who the hell knows!

One thing I can tell you for sure is that NO man wants to date another man - so if you "wear the pants" or are too masculine in your attitude, or energy - it's a turn off - you can be "one of the boys" and be "cool" to hang out with but you also have to be soft and girly - otherwise it's like dating another man.

And this is going to sound so old fashioned BUT it's the honest truth - NEVER be disrespectful, especially in front of others - I'll give you an example of a couple I met about a year ago - the wife was drunk and making fun of her husband - talking down to him and making comments about his small....all in fun, just joking of course - they are divorced now and I don't blame him one bit - it was horrible to witness and I didn't think she was one bit funny, neither did anyone else..she treated him with such disrespect - she was shocked when he filed for divorce after 20 years of marriage - I guess he finally decided that he had had enough of her "jokes"..some couples get into a bad habit of calling each other names and cutting each other to the bone when they argue - that's a bad bad habit and will almost always end the R. My H used to laugh about my "no disrespect" rule but now, after seeing so many couples treat each other like crap - he's glad that we don't degrade each other like that. Something to think about.

Edited May 20, 2016 by gemini6

[katiegrl]

Perhaps they don't want perfect, sweet, great, successful stable woman (that their family and friends like) right now.

 

Maybe they really just want a "dirty hot mess" at this point in their life.

 

Happened more than once to me... as a guy... by a woman. All their parents loved me.

 

Maybe when they are ready to settle down - marry and have kids, they will call you.

 

Right because when a girl is perfect, sweet, successful and stable, in his commitment phobe brain, that means he *should* want to marry her or be in a relationship with her.

 

But since that ISN'T what he wants or has a fear of it, he sabotages by running away.

 

With a screwed up girl, he feels more comfortable because he has a built in reason for not wanting to commit to her.

[NTV]

Some men just can't handle an independent woman. It's a balance - you could be too independent, too "in charge" - see, Men want to be able to fix things, they are fixers - they actually want you to come to them with a problem they can fix..they want appreciation, admiration, respect and a sense of need - now that's the tricky part - they want you to need them so they can swoop in and fix your problems and feel like a super hero BUT they don't want you to need them too much or too often - no one wants a cling on

 

BUT men also have a provide and protect mode ingrained in their brains..so if you are too busy doing your own providing and protecting they will move on to a girl that makes them feel like a hero -someone that is in aww of them. Of course they will probably lose interest in that after awhile too - so?? who the hell knows!

One thing I can tell you for sure is that NO man wants to date another man - so if you "wear the pants" or are too masculine in your attitude, or energy - it's a turn off - you can be "one of the boys" and be "cool" to hang out with but you also have to be soft and girly - otherwise it's like dating another man.

And this is going to sound so old fashioned BUT it's the honest truth - NEVER be disrespectful, especially in front of others - I'll give you an example of a couple I met about a year ago - the wife was drunk and making fun of her husband - talking down to him and making comments about his small....all in fun, just joking of course - they are divorced now and I don't blame him one bit - it was horrible to witness and I didn't think she was one bit funny, neither did anyone else..she treated him with such disrespect - she was shocked when he filed for divorce after 20 years of marriage - I guess he finally decided that he had had enough of her "jokes"..some couples get into a bad habit of calling each other names and cutting each other to the bone when they argue - that's a bad bad habit and will almost always end the R. My H used to laugh about my "no disrespect" rule but now, after seeing so many couples treat each other like crap - he's glad that we don't degrade each other like that. Something to think about.

 

Yeah, pretty sure that half of this is a stereotype and the other half is describing guys with the KISA complex.

 

 

When discussing problems, men don't generally discuss problems unless asking for advice from another man. That request for advice is a show/sign of respect. i.e. 'I recognize you're an expert in this field'. So, in general, men who haven't been married/ltr, usually aren't nearly as prepared to be presented with problems in a way that isn't actually a request for aid or show of respect.

 

 

I think this whole dynamic was discussed in depth in 'Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus'.

[Emilia]

I don't think men are either players or he marrying kind. They come in all flavours and sizes with varying degrees of good and bad traits. In general people are people, they screw up, say retarded things, change their mind etc.

 

I think if you take things slowwwwww (using your word), the focus is very much on the future, it looks like you are measuring the guy and you are only interested in something happening if there is a chance of a serious relationship or marriage.

 

Which is fine, it's everyone prerogative to handle dating the way they want to.

 

But this means that 'where is this going' is constantly in the picture and you aren't in the present, enjoying it. I'm not saying you should spend more time with them and have sex with them sooner, only that if you are very slow at getting into things, the future gets more emphasis than the present. And to be honest, some might get bored with it. I probably would, well did, last year.

[katiegrl]

Another reason why I think a so-called "perfect" woman might make some men uncomfortable (enough to leave) is because when a woman is so perfect, they in turn feel pressured to be perfect as well.

 

In their minds, they're thinking, "wow she's so perfect, what if I screw up? What if I am not perfect, will she reject me?"

 

They feel pressured to be perfect too, and that can be a turn off.

 

I have also found (through experience) that men (some not all) like women with a bit of an edge.... a little flawed, who is genuine, doesn't try too hard and who WILL make some mistakes.

 

God knows I have! But my boyfriends seem to welcome that... perhaps it gives them some reassurance to know that they are allowed to make mistakes too.... and I will still be there.

 

Just a thought.