End to a 10 year Marriage

[hurtlin]

I would not be honest if i said that my marriage had more good times than bad, however I felt in time, our relationship would grow stronger.

 

Last year I moved to a different part of the country working and studying full-time while my husband stayed back with our 3 children and cared for their welfare. During this time, he established a friendship with a girl and I online with a male, who lived in a neighbouring country. During one of my visits home, my husband mentioned that he does like me, but he was not in love with me anymore and that if I had not fallen pregnant with our daughters, we would have never gotten married. I was heartbroken. I went back to the city where I worked and spoke to my friend and informed him of what I heard. I contemplated breaking up with him as I could not understand why someone would want to be in a relationship if they no longer loved the person they married. Somehow we worked through this and decided to end the friendships with our counterparts as the friendships was a large contributor to our problems. I upheld my part but my husband didnt. Around the time we reconciled, his friend suffered a tragic loss. Which meant he was spending more and more time with this person than I liked and it made me more and more unhappy. I reminded him of our promise to end these friendships and he told me he would once he and the kids move to the city where I work.

 

Now it has been almost 4 months since my family's move to where I live. But things between my husband and I were not great. A situation developed where in anger he told me not to come home, and I in response told him to leave if he was unhappy with me. At that point, the decision for him to move out was made. A week later, things were better and we were talking while still planning to ahead with a separation, we decided we could part ways as friends. During one of our good days, i informed him that the instigator of the problem that led to our last fight was my sister, I just took the blame. My husband became angry towards my sister but informed me that he was not angry with me. I was OK with that. However as days passed, he talked less to me and basically began giving me the silent treatment. He got a job just over a week ago and without talking to the kids or myself, he came home one day, and little by little started taking his things away. He would only come around when no one else was home. It has been 3 days and the kids have not heard from him. It seemed really bizarre that he would just stop coming around and not even say goodbye to the children.

 

So last night in my quest to find out what was going on with him, I acquired registration to a forum that he always frequents and found multiple posts of him referring to his friend as his girlfriend/partner. I was absolutely broken hearted. I had on a few occasions asked him whether there ever was anything going on between the two of them and he had always denied this. However coming across his posts proved to be otherwise. I was absolutely certain he had cheated on me and I took a screenshot and sent it to him and asked him to confess. I found the girl on facebook, added her to chat and asked her whether there ever was anything between them and she too denied it. I informed her of the posts I saw and she too could not understand why he would call her his girlfriend or partner. Up until last night, I did not realise how much I still loved him. Now i am worried that with my confession of my insecurities to his friend, I have ruined their platonic relationship. The fact that she has moved to the city we live in did not help with my insecurities. He is going to hate me more if he loses this friendship. I love him still and wish I had not accused him of cheating. It is so messy because we did not even get to discuss access to children because he left so suddenly. What should I do. I texted him and told him that I have been intouch with his friend. I want us to work but I am at loss. I dont know what to do.

[len51]

The first mistake was living away from your husband. That is how I lost my fiancee. I have never had luck in maintaining a long distance relationship and read recently that 80% of them do not end well. Perhaps you are aware that the hormone Oxytocin is released during sex and its sole purpose is to emotionally bond the couple together. Once you remove that, your emotional bond with the other person goes away. Then you get lonely and that is when the bad stuff happens.

 

That is how I lost my first fiancee. She was my girlfriend since I was 14 and things were great between us until I joined the Army and was in Vietnam for a full year. She was young and without sex, the emotional bond between us diminished.

[hurtlin]

i had to leave. I had just finished tertiary education and needed a job which i couldnt get in my city as it is a specialised profession.i had been sitting at home for 7 months with a large student loan to pay off.

[maacus]

Sometimes we have to choose what is more important; our relationships with our loved ones or our education and other things we think are more important. One can be educated without choosing a "tertiary education."

[len51]

I had to leave. I had just finished tertiary education and needed a job which i couldnt get in my city as it is a specialised profession.i had been sitting at home for 7 months with a large student loan to pay off.

 

I understand, but you chose to put yourself on a path to learn something that you could not do where you live as well as accumulate crushing debt. You put you first. I was in a profession that no one every heard of and I had to relocate 8 times to find work or to follow my wife to a job she got. We always kept the family together and I found jobs in other fields. I also took jobs that paid less than I could get in my field but I am intelligent, ambitious and always worked my way to the top in 2-3 years. I did not get work in my field for 20 years after I left college.

 

At one time I worked 3 part time jobs. I even became one of two worldwide experts in a field not related to the one i was educated for. That is not uncommon. We have never hired a person who had a degree in our industry. The last guy we hired is a meteorologist but he is smart and next year, his third year with us, he will be promoted to branch manager over those who have worked there for 20 years.

 

My wife became ill when I was in college and due to that I owed $35,000 in medical bills back in 1972. I could have found work out of State but instead I got 3 part time jobs and did what I needed to do to keep my family together.

 

We put family first an then did whatever it took to make it work and pay our bills, even if it was working at a fast food place until I could find something better. I have worked and succeeded in 5 different professions because I could not find work in the one I was educated for and enjoyed. I did well in all of them and made a great living through hard work. It can be done if you do not put yourself first or let ego get in the way.

 

You chose a path that put you in the situation you are in now. You started on this path and have to deal with where it takes you. I just view life differently. I first consider my family and then find the path that keeps us together even if I have to wash dishes all day. You not only left your husband but you stuck him with 3 kids. There is little you can say to put a good spin on this.

Edited April 15, 2016 by len51