Is it possible...

[Neil711]

With regard to him deleting text messages I can tell you that I have done it simply to avoid hurting my wife's feelings or making her feel like something was going on. Specifically,I received some texts from a women that were very complimentary on my looks (my body changed dramatically after my wife's EA). I have no interest in going outside of my marriage, but deleted the texts because I did not want my wife to worry if she saw them. It very well could be that he realized he wasn't doing the right thing and deleted the messages because he will do the right thing and didn't want you to worry.

[Liam1]

Renaissancewoman:

 

I am more concerned about the fact that this woman is on facebook complaining about her unhappy marriage.

 

That indicates to me that she was looking for an affair as a way to find a new husband.

 

You are obviously here because you felt something was off. It was and it is, with her and your husband was responding to her flirtations.

 

So please stay vigilant for awhile. Not Gestapo vigilant, but just alert to anything odd.

 

Thank you Liam,

I do believe that I nipped it in the bud. And he no longer socializes alone with her. It is not like there are not other parents at the bus stop. So I don't believe it's a setting that they would be openly making plans behind my back or flirting in front of the other neighbors. Yes it started with innocently going to the park after school, which led to the exchange of numbers which led to a lot of outside communication away from the bus stop. But now I don't worry about them seeing each other at the bus stop and somehow using that as an opportunity to make plans to meet. I actually think it has become quite awkward for the two of them. For me, I barely even acknowledge her when I see her except for the half smile and "good morning". I talk to my other neighbors at the bus and she rarely enters into the conversation and just sort of stands in the background.

 

I do admit that about a month after I found out, I left in the middle of work and drove to the park across the bus stop and hid in the woods to watch how they interacted at the bus. He barely acknowledged her and conversed mostly with the other parents while our kids played together. When the bus got there he walked the kids back to the house and she just went back into her minivan without so much of a parting good bye.

 

A couple people have said this is a boundary issue and I tend to agree. I truly believe that while it started out inncocently, it did turn into a crush and a strong attraction on my husband's part as she represented a great counterpoint to our stressed out life at home. I know it sounds like I'm blaming myself, but I'm not. I am just mature enough to admit that there was an ugly atmosphere in marriage that I contributed to and gave way to fertile ground for him to become attracted to someone else.

 

When I say I noticed how they interacted, it wasn't like they were flirting at the party. We went innertubing so there actually was not much face to face time with each other. He spent most of the time with our family. There was a lot of waiting in line. We all hung around the same lines but there wasn't a real gathering of the party goers until afterwards. This is when I just noticed them talking and I don't know, the way he looked at her made me uneasy. He wasn't swooning or anything. I think I just realized that this was not just some parent that he occasionally talked to at the bus. Like I just knew he was attracted to her. Obviously, it led to me digging more and that's how I uncovered their "friendship."

 

But for all those who keep insisting that there is more, I believe that it had the potential to becoming more. But it's never got further than that. Why? Simply, I have the luxury of context that none of you have. I realize that many on here come with their own histories and their own baggage and it's easy to see into a situation and project what they know from their own experiences. But I know my husband.

 

I know:

1) He texts A LOT in general. When I look at our bill he constantly has about 1500-1800 texts on his line in a month. It is his preferred form of communication. He communicates with his clients and other brokers this way. We are exclusively in cell phones so he doesn't have a land line to be using for phone calls. And I do think that the fact they never talked on the phone is something of note. So while some think that a 40-text conversation with someone is a lot, it's not for him. And by the way, that only was that one day. A handful involved 10-20 texts and the rest were 3-5 texts in a day. There were times where they didn't text for a week at a time. He regularly has 400-text months with his brother. He and I exchange about 300 texts in a month. It's how he is. So just because some of you don't text as much, it doesn't prove to me that my husband physically cheated.

2) especially since none of the texts were late at night. Which is a classic sign. He is a predictable guy. He values his sleep. He generally turns in for the night at 9-10 and nothing will keep him from getting 8 hours of sleep. Nothing!

3) He is a snob. He hates uninvited guests becuase thinks that the house needs to be perfectly presentable before we have guests over. He hates showing a messy house to anyone. So if he was going to bring another woman into our bed, I would notice because that would mean he would be actually making an effort to fold all the laundry that permanently resides at the foot of it. Would he go to her house? Absolutely not.

4) were the texts inappropriate? Maybe they would have gotten flirty and maybe they contained all the beginnings of sharing intimate details about our family and marriage, all those things that lead to a deeper emotional connection. But I don't believe that there was sexting. Why? Again because I know his nature. I spent 1 year away for college. I didn't have a cell phone to text but we did talk on the phone A LOT. Do you know how many times we had phone sex? One time. It doesn't do it for him. He prefers the real thing. Do you know how many times he texts dirty texts? Rarely. He prefers face to face foreplay. I just don't see him getting excited over sexting with someone else no matter how new and exciting she may seem.

5) He virtually spends no time away from our family if he can help it. He doesn't even like going away on business. I am usually the one that tries to encourage him to go and hang out with buddies. He doesn't do it because he prefers to spend time with us. So he doesn't sneak off to have trysts with this woman and if it was physical, I would notice with the amount of time would spend away from us.

 

So this is the context I have with being married to him for 10 years and dating for 6 years before that. and all this contributes to the degree in which I believe him. It's not me being an enabler, nor is it turning a blind eye, it's me taking the full context and everything I know about this man and assessing the probabilities of each scenario.

[renaissancewoman]

Renaissancewoman:

 

I am more concerned about the fact that this woman is on facebook complaining about her unhappy marriage.

 

That indicates to me that she was looking for an affair as a way to find a new husband.

 

You are obviously here because you felt something was off. It was and it is, with her and your husband was responding to her flirtations.

 

So please stay vigilant for awhile. Not Gestapo vigilant, but just alert to anything odd.

 

Thank you Liam,

I don't know why I always seem to miss your posts. :/

 

Anyway, she is tweeting how her husband doesn't pay attention to her. It's interesting. I went back to a tweet from December. My husband and she hasn't texted in about a week. She tweeted something about how when someone texts first it let's the other person they were on your mind. Pathetic.

 

But yes, I'm am being watchful.

[renaissancewoman]

Why not face that woman head on and tell her to stop communicating with your husband? Why not have that conversation with your husband present? If needed, tell her husband! And allow your husband to understand you plan to tell her husband that his wife is communicating in secret with your husband!!!

 

Expose them! That will help it to fizzle.

 

It already fizzled. They don't communicate anymore. I think my original question was me trying to figure out how complicit this woman was in my husband's deceit. To see if I should be confronting her about what I think of her. I mean, who thinks that it's okay to "just be friends" with a MM and not even attempt at having any semblance of acquaintance with his spouse? Unless of course, it's not all innocent and she obviously enjoyed the attention from my husband that she doesn't get from hers.

 

The thing is, things are great for us now. I fully realize I'm allowing this woman to be a thorn in my side and I should focus on continuing building up my marriage. But I also am more aware of just how quickly people can get involved under the guise of innocent friendship.

[heartwhole]

Goodness, how odd to tweet about your marital problems! My husband's OW also tweets thinly veiled references to her heartache and thoughts about the affair ending. She doesn't do it on FB because she knows we've blocked her (or maybe she does because obviously I wouldn't know, but it does seem odd to put those things on Twitter of all places).

[renaissancewoman]

I hope you keep an open mind as to how affairs develop and survive. The faithful spouse being all in denial certainly HELPS the affair continue - just as a bigger secret than before.

 

And him making it up to you by being more attentive than ever is a sign of something that was happening and overcompensating due to guilt or not wanting to get caught even further.

 

Certainly checking on facts further for YOURSELF is wise - not checking is ignoring your gut.

 

IF absolutely NOTHING was happening between them he would have shared it ALL with YOU - but he left you out...and there is a reason he left you completely out of a new part of his daily life that he was sharing with her.

 

That's a betrayal to you and the marriage! That's certainly not inoocent friends as you continue to justify FOR HIM.

 

You have NO idea what he was actually doing with her because you haven't really checked on your evidence.

 

There's so many ways to check but you seem content to have your eyes closed shut - ignoring what is actually real.

 

She tweeting that info to keep him participating - and I'd bet money he still is.

 

I really want to iterate that he didn't interact with this woman daily. Yes at the bus stop, but even that it's not daily because her husband would be there half the time. But regarding the texting, it was not even daily. Forgive me if you still think this was not a full-blown affair but he doesn't even fully match the characteristic of a full-blown emotional affair. My eyes aren't closed. I think it was precisely the fact that my eyes are open that I was even able to pick up on the slightest bit of interaction from the birthday party which for any other person who doesn't have the same insights into my husband would have easily passed off as two parents at a party talking.

 

If this woman really had crept into his heart the way you are so adamant that she has, why isn't he acting like someone who is grieving the loss of a relationship? Giving up his friendship has had no effect on him and no resentment is there. So you say he continued his friendship and went underground? Participating on twitter? He doesn't understand Twitter, nor does he care to learn just for some girl who obviously meant so little that he dropped her faster than the speed of light. When do you propose in his day do you think he would spend that time? He is working and all of his real estate deals have been keeping him more than occupied during the day, not to mention caring for our daughter at home. I'm pretty involved in his office work so I know exactly where he's at in the closing process and how much time it takes to go through leases and contracts and coordinating inspections and appraisals, etc. In the evening, he is with me the whole time. Not on his phone and would send emails for work, which I have access to. At night, he insists that I take my laptop into bed and just lay with him since he turns in early and I am a night owl. When before I would not go to bed until well after he did because I'm working on other things for my side business.

 

I'm sorry. I know you really want to make it seem that everything is the worst possible scenario, but I respectfully disagree. I think you have to open your mind to the very possibility that someone is perfectly capable of realizing the slippery slope of secret friendships and was snapped out of it by the very understanding that they hurt the woman that they love tremendously and is horrified by the thought of it ruining the marriage they cherish. He is not acting like a man who is guilty, he is acting like a man who realized that he needs to be better at showing love and affection to the woman he loves more than anything.

Edited April 19, 2016 by renaissancewoman
Grammar

[elaine567]

If this woman really had crept into his heart the way you are so adamant that she has, why isn't he acting like someone who is grieving the loss of a relationship?

Because she is most likely still there waiting in the wings for him.

 

Giving up his friendship has had no effect on him and no resentment is there.

Isn't that not a bit strange? That they were so close that even you noticed it and now he is completely over it?

 

So you say he continued his friendship and went underground? Participating on twitter? He doesn't understand Twitter, nor does he care to learn just for some girl who obviously meant so little that he dropped her faster than the speed of light.

How do you know how little she meant to him? Can you read his mind, his innermost thoughts? As OW have said here on LS, the wife thought we were finished after d-day, but he is still contacting me as much as ever.

 

I am with S2B, this "over attentive" wonderful husband act he is putting on now for your benefit is just too much and smacks of guilt. Sorry!

 

When do you propose in his day do you think he would spend that time? He is working and all of his real estate deals have been keeping him more than occupied during the day, not to mention caring for our daughter at home.

 

If he is always SOOOO busy with work and child care, then how did it ever happen in the first place?

 

Had you investigated to the nth degree and found nothing, then fair play to you, but here you defend defend defend a man whose actions do not match up with the "innocent friendship" he wants you to believe in.

YOU actually know very little, and assume so much.

[elaine567]

Read this - The Humiliating Dance of 'Pick Me!'

[renaissancewoman]

YOU actually know very little, and assume so much.

 

I couldn't have said it better myself about you. You assume that just because you see the majority of posts here about cheating and affairs, that everything must be that. I know a lot more than you about my life.

[renaissancewoman]

You know, the double standard is quite strong here. I've read another thread when the situation was reversed (wife had emotional affair, deleted texts, husband made changes to behavior to show love, marriage is better and have renewed commitment) and the responses were generally positive and encouragement to put it behind him and focus on the positive in their marriage and build on that. There was no "classic mistake of blaming himself" or accusations that he was an enabler.

 

Here it's my husband with an emotional affair, and admittedly from all signs it was such a minor one that had the potential of going much further, and there are still a number of people who continue to refuse to accept that it was the beginnings that had the danger of being more serious. They just ASSUME that he HAD to go underground because ALL MEN have done that. They completely ignore the fact that my husband NEVER even talked to this woman on the phone but somehow it HAD TO GET PHYSICAL because every man who has ever hid texts with another woman has led to that.

 

By the way, Dr. Fone is a complete scam and waste of money as when I tried to scan my husband's phone last night TWICE it would crash after "analyzing" for an hour each time! So my suggestion is before you all talk as if you know everything and recommend programs, maybe you should make sure it's actually a valid company. So i suppose I should go and petition for a court order to have the phone company release his phone records now? How much farther do people suggest I go?

[renaissancewoman]

Honey, I never said it was because he's a man! It is because of his behavior...that and the fact that you said you haven't really checked on what he's really been doing...yet you defend him!

 

You have NO idea yet you're defending his bad behavior --> that is why the responses are encouraging you to find out what really happened.

 

It has nothing to do with him being a male! Stop making excuses for HIS bad behavior!

 

I said that I check his emails every day, I check our phone bills every day, I check his Facebook every day, I have checked his search history. I have HID IN THE WOODS to watch how they act at the bus stop. It is YOU who continues to be dissatisfied. you take his good behavior and you turn it into some reason for him doing something bad behind my back, when you know nothing about him and just continue to project what you think you know about everyone else.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Renaissance, we are all aware of the difficulties that go along with the written word, and forums such as this one are no different.

 

Writing things down, particularly anonymously, has the propensity to misinterpretation as we are unable to visibly guage human reaction.

 

We can't see each other and talk face to face, but as support, this is as close as we can get.

 

Sometimes, when our terrible experiences have affected us so deeply, all we want to do is prevent it happening to someone else because we know how dreadfully agonising it is.

 

As I've said in previous posting, take the advice that seems to fit for you and leave what doesn't.

 

Most of all, we really are on your side, and you're doing it right if it feels right to you!

[renaissancewoman]

You never told us this! When asked you didn't explain all this. Chill out - and know we aren't mind readers here. We only know what info you've provided and you left all this out.

 

Start explaining yourself more thoroughly. That way it is more useful.

 

Um, yes! I actually did!

 

6. He is not on Snapchat or what's app. I've downloaded both of those just to check if he has an account and he doesn't

 

That's to see if he had other texting apps to communicate with. He doesn't.

 

But with all that, I still don’t trust fully. I check our phone records every day. I check his Facebook activity log every day. I check his emails every day. I export all our phone records and save them to my computer at the end of the billing cycle. I am much more watchful. I know the OW’s social profiles and check those for any postings that might hint at a breach in boundaries.

 

I said this! To which you, SB2, replied:

 

It looks like you really want to believe he didn't do anything except text her and meet her without your knowledge.

 

There's more - there is always more.

 

You're choosing to close your eyes and that may hurt you more in the long run.

 

Good luck with it. I sincerely mean that.

 

I also said:

I do admit that about a month after I found out, I left in the middle of work and drove to the park across the bus stop and hid in the woods to watch how they interacted at the bus. He barely acknowledged her and conversed mostly with the other parents while our kids played together. When the bus got there he walked the kids back to the house and she just went back into her minivan without so much of a parting good bye.

 

So don't tell me my eyes are closed. They are so very open. All the things I say about my husband you continue to construe as sordid or of bad intention and then accuse me of just defending him when I'm merely describing our life (I.e. He never spends time away from our family because he actually hates being away from us. He's never even had so much as a guys weekend. He'll have poker nights with his brothers, but he's even trimmed back on those. This man is devoted to his family. It is completely possible.)

[renaissancewoman]

Renaissance, we are all aware of the difficulties that go along with the written word, and forums such as this one are no different.

 

Writing things down, particularly anonymously, has the propensity to misinterpretation as we are unable to visibly guage human reaction.

 

We can't see each other and talk face to face, but as support, this is as close as we can get.

 

Sometimes, when our terrible experiences have affected us so deeply, all we want to do is prevent it happening to someone else because we know how dreadfully agonising it is.

 

As I've said in previous posting, take the advice that seems to fit for you and leave what doesn't.

 

Most of all, we really are on your side, and you're doing it right if it feels right to you!

 

Thank you Cuckoo. I have to say, the constant suggestions from others about the nature of my husband's relationship being more than it obviously was maddening. It really didn't feel like they were on my side, and rather much like I'm standing at the edge of cliff and they were just desperately trying to convince me to jump off of it.

[Liam1]

You know, the double standard is quite strong here. I've read another thread when the situation was reversed (wife had emotional affair, deleted texts, husband made changes to behavior to show love, marriage is better and have renewed commitment) and the responses were generally positive and encouragement to put it behind him and focus on the positive in their marriage and build on that. There was no "classic mistake of blaming himself" or accusations that he was an enabler.

 

Here it's my husband with an emotional affair, and admittedly from all signs it was such a minor one that had the potential of going much further, and there are still a number of people who continue to refuse to accept that it was the beginnings that had the danger of being more serious. They just ASSUME that he HAD to go underground because ALL MEN have done that. They completely ignore the fact that my husband NEVER even talked to this woman on the phone but somehow it HAD TO GET PHYSICAL because every man who has ever hid texts with another woman has led to that.

 

Renaissance woman:

 

I think it's totally plausible that he was just enjoying the attention and the conversation.

 

I think you are doing all the right things.

 

It seems that you two are back on track and better than ever. This situation was likely a wake up call to you hubby about boundary issues. You two sound happy, and you have already noted how vigilant you are.

 

It seems to me like you caught this early.

 

My main concern was this woman is complaining all over facebook about her unhappy marriage, and I am afraid that she will get pushy and SHE will start contacting him again, and that may cause trust issues.

 

From my perspective, a higher percentage of men than woman have affairs as a way to find a new husband.

 

I doubt your hubby was looking for a new wife. That is rare, he was likely flattered by this ladies pushy attention.

 

By the way, Dr. Fone is a complete scam and waste of money as when I tried to scan my husband's phone last night TWICE it would crash after "analyzing" for an hour each time! So my suggestion is before you all talk as if you know everything and recommend programs, maybe you should make sure it's actually a valid company. So i suppose I should go and petition for a court order to have the phone company release his phone records now? How much farther do people suggest I go?

Renaissance:

 

If you can get copies of the texts, and the phone is in joint name, you can likely get the records. Not all records will contain full texts or voice mails.

 

As for resurrecting the deleted texts. If they have been overwritten too many times, even a pro will not be able to recover them.

 

But, if you google it, you will see that a very high percentage of marriages survive and even thrive after an affair.

 

If you google it, you will see that the top reason Marriage counselors and psychologists give for divorce is different spending styles such as when one is a save and the other an out of control spender.

[heartwhole]

I mean this kindly. I think you are misdirecting your anger. You are angry at the OW. You are angry at the people taking time to answer your questions. But you are not angry at your husband, whom you paint as a bumbling, innocent pawn of the predatory OW.

 

I have never used Dr. Fone, it's true, but I have seen it recommended and reviewed on a site solely for infidelity countless times. It doesn't always recover everything but it often works to some degree.

 

As I mentioned, people have suggested my WH took his affair underground too. I know it's aggravating, but your response here is disproportionate to the intentions of the people offering suggestions. The fact is, they exchanged hundreds of texts and pictures, and you are oddly blasé about never knowing what they said. I simply hope you will wait until you have all the information before deciding whether it is safe and reasonable to move forward. Ask yourself why you are so very angry about receiving advice you deem unhelpful, and not so very angry about his hiding hundreds of texts and pictures.

[renaissancewoman]

I mean this kindly. I think you are misdirecting your anger. You are angry at the OW. You are angry at the people taking time to answer your questions. But you are not angry at your husband, whom you paint as a bumbling, innocent pawn of the predatory OW.

 

I have never used Dr. Fone, it's true, but I have seen it recommended and reviewed on a site solely for infidelity countless times. It doesn't always recover everything but it often works to some degree.

 

As I mentioned, people have suggested my WH took his affair underground too. I know it's aggravating, but your response here is disproportionate to the intentions of the people offering suggestions. The fact is, they exchanged hundreds of texts and pictures, and you are oddly blasé about never knowing what they said. I simply hope you will wait until you have all the information before deciding whether it is safe and reasonable to move forward. Ask yourself why you are so very angry about receiving advice you deem unhelpful, and not so very angry about his hiding hundreds of texts and pictures.

 

I think I've expressed enough (pretty calmly and succinctly, by the way) about my own reasoning as to why I believe that nothing was ever as severe as everyone is so quick to assume it was. Part of uncovering a truth is also deducing the probability of what is NOT as much as the mere possibility that something could have been xyz. I am angry at my husband and trust me, there have been many conversations about it. At some point, how much do people think it's acceptable to continue to treat the offending partner as a punching bad and beat him to a pulp with the same line of questioning? At some point you have to be able to match his answers with the whole scenario and his actions. And nothing in his actions during the time he was texting her ever points to a person who was having an affair. His problem is he felt he had to hide the friendship because he was afraid I would not be happy about it and that just made it worse. Point is, I've spent my time being angry at my husband and have punished him enough for it. I actually think I've done more damage by continually bringing it up and him continuing to bend over backwards to show me he loves me. At some point, don't we all just need to be able to accept love too? What do you think it does to the person giving love when the other person continues to meet him with criticism and doubts?

 

As far as misdirecting my anger, I think when you are continually put in the defensive mode by constantly attacking what you've already worked out on your own healing and then continuing to tell you that you haven't possibly considered every angle, what do you think that does? I'm angry at people who continue to offer advice based on their own assumptions derived from their own experiences without any regard to the fact that not all relationships are the same. Not all lifestyles are the same. Not every cheater or prospective cheater has the same "opportunity" to do so.

 

The fact of the matter is, I've actually come to regret even joining this forum. People here are so jaded and think they are being helpful. You tell them you fell down and scraped your knee and ask for recommendations for scar treatment, and they pull open the scab and stick a needle in it and ask you how you fell and how much did it hurt and how much more do you think it would have hurt if you didn't just scrape you knee and instead had actually broken your leg? Actually they don't even ask you, they just tell you that it's not just a scrape and that you did in fact break your leg and make you feel like you're stupid for not getting a cast.

Edited April 21, 2016 by renaissancewoman

[merrmeade]

The fact of the matter is, I've actually come to regret even joining this forum. People here are so jaded and think they are being helpful. You tell them you fell down and scraped your knee and ask for recommendations for scar treatment, and they pull open the scab and stick a needle in it and ask you how you fell and how much did it hurt and how much more do you think it would have hurt if you didn't just scrape you knee and instead had actually broken your leg? Actually they don't even ask you, they just tell you that it's not just a scrape and that you did in fact break your leg and make you feel like you're stupid for not getting a cast.

It's an awful position you were in. You thought you came here for one question and everyone started answering another you didn't ask. The other annoying tendency is to push and push you from another agenda with the effect of making you resist all of it. I do remember shutting down and feeling stubborn resistance to anything proposed with such a heavy scripted hand. I felt like I was standing on a precipice, considering ways to get off the cliff, as people circled around, yelling "Jump." I was furious I could be judged from an anonymous online forum about information I'd volunteered.

 

Backing up a little, if you still have a doubt about the deleted personal text messages, then the only questions are (a) do you think this will cease to be a concern and (b) if not, what do you need to solve it If you want to try again, there are resources besides Dr. Fone. I had success with Decipher TextMessage.

 

The only really consistent standard that worked for was to examine what I knew and see if everything made sense together. If any part of the story was contradicted by any other part, I realized I information was missing or wrong.

 

The only thing I cared about in the beginning was getting the truth until there were no more missing or wrong pieces of information and everything fit together and made sense. I had never even considered the possibility that my husband would consciously lie to me, so if his story mostly made sense I believed it. But if something was missing or didn't make sense, I had to know why he wasn't coming forth. There was always a reason.

 

I thought maybe you felt that way about the text messages.

 

By the way, you can deal with me or anyone else whom you feel harassed by two ways: (a) read the forum Guidelines and if the post breaks any of them, contact the Moderators with the "alert" button with your reasons (e.g., personal attack, disrespect, badgering, etc.); (b) put the poster on "ignore" from your Profile page. You'll still see the name but not the post after that. I can be very calming. (Kind of like seeing other people argue while listening to music on headphones).

[Cloudcuckoo]

Renaissance woman:

 

I think it's totally plausible that he was just enjoying the attention and the conversation.

 

I think you are doing all the right things.

 

It seems that you two are back on track and better than ever. This situation was likely a wake up call to you hubby about boundary issues. You two sound happy, and you have already noted how vigilant you are.

 

It seems to me like you caught this early.

 

My main concern was this woman is complaining all over facebook about her unhappy marriage, and I am afraid that she will get pushy and SHE will start contacting him again, and that may cause trust issues.

 

From my perspective, a higher percentage of men than woman have affairs as a way to find a new husband.

 

I doubt your hubby was looking for a new wife. That is rare, he was likely flattered by this ladies pushy attention.

 

 

I'm inclined to agree with this Renaissance.

 

You're doing so well, don't let this woman in...ANYWHERE...to trip you up..

 

Keeping your eagle for a while until you feel completely safe is no bad thing.

 

Cuckoo

[Liam1]

I actually think I've done more damage by continually bringing it up and him continuing to bend over backwards to show me he loves me. At some point, don't we all just need to be able to accept love too? What do you think it does to the person giving love when the other person continues to meet him with criticism and doubts?

 

Wise words, Renaissance. These are almost exactly the same words my Marriage counselor said to my wife during one session.

 

Our relationship is better now because we spend more alone time together and communicate better.

 

Before we were both off doing our own thing waaaay too often. A marriage needs to be nurtured.

 

Your relationship seems to have improved, too. The universe works in mysterious ways. IMO, it was a wake up call.

 

And, of course you bear anger toward the OW, too. That's normal, IMO. IMO, it would be concerning if you did not.

 

 

I think I've expressed enough (pretty calmly and succinctly, by the way) about my own reasoning as to why I believe that nothing was ever as severe as everyone is so quick to assume it was. Part of uncovering a truth is also deducing the probability of what is NOT as much as the mere possibility that something could have been xyz. I am angry at my husband and trust me, there have been many conversations about it. At some point, how much do people think it's acceptable to continue to treat the offending partner as a punching bad and beat him to a pulp with the same line of questioning? At some point you have to be able to match his answers with the whole scenario and his actions. And nothing in his actions during the time he was texting her ever points to a person who was having an affair. His problem is he felt he had to hide the friendship because he was afraid I would not be happy about it and that just made it worse. Point is, I've spent my time being angry at my husband and have punished him enough for it. I actually think I've done more damage by continually bringing it up and him continuing to bend over backwards to show me he loves me. At some point, don't we all just need to be able to accept love too? What do you think it does to the person giving love when the other person continues to meet him with criticism and doubts?

 

As far as misdirecting my anger, I think when you are continually put in the defensive mode by constantly attacking what you've already worked out on your own healing and then continuing to tell you that you haven't possibly considered every angle, what do you think that does? I'm angry at people who continue to offer advice based on their own assumptions derived from their own experiences without any regard to the fact that not all relationships are the same. Not all lifestyles are the same. Not every cheater or prospective cheater has the same "opportunity" to do so.

 

The fact of the matter is, I've actually come to regret even joining this forum. People here are so jaded and think they are being helpful. You tell them you fell down and scraped your knee and ask for recommendations for scar treatment, and they pull open the scab and stick a needle in it and ask you how you fell and how much did it hurt and how much more do you think it would have hurt if you didn't just scrape you knee and instead had actually broken your leg? Actually they don't even ask you, they just tell you that it's not just a scrape and that you did in fact break your leg and make you feel like you're stupid for not getting a cast.

[Liam1]

By the way, you can deal with me or anyone else whom you feel harassed by two ways: (a) read the forum Guidelines and if the post breaks any of them, contact the Moderators with the "alert" button with your reasons (e.g., personal attack, disrespect, badgering, etc.);

 

(b) put the poster on "ignore" from your Profile page. You'll still see the name but not the post after that. I can be very calming. (Kind of like seeing other people argue while listening to music on headphones).

 

Excellent Advice, Merrmeade:

 

If any one person repeatedly attempts to bait or take quotes and re-post them out of context, or ask me a question that is off topic to the thread, which seems to happen a lot here, I just put them on my ignore list thereafter, now.

 

I don't even see their posts, anymore. Sweet peace! I like the headphone analogy, too.

 

 

 

It's an awful position you were in. You thought you came here for one question and everyone started answering another you didn't ask. The other annoying tendency is to push and push you from another agenda with the effect of making you resist all of it. I do remember shutting down and feeling stubborn resistance to anything proposed with such a heavy scripted hand. I felt like I was standing on a precipice, considering ways to get off the cliff, as people circled around, yelling "Jump." I was furious I could be judged from an anonymous online forum about information I'd volunteered.

 

Backing up a little, if you still have a doubt about the deleted personal text messages, then the only questions are (a) do you think this will cease to be a concern and (b) if not, what do you need to solve it If you want to try again, there are resources besides Dr. Fone. I had success with Decipher TextMessage.

 

The only really consistent standard that worked for was to examine what I knew and see if everything made sense together. If any part of the story was contradicted by any other part, I realized I information was missing or wrong.

 

The only thing I cared about in the beginning was getting the truth until there were no more missing or wrong pieces of information and everything fit together and made sense. I had never even considered the possibility that my husband would consciously lie to me, so if his story mostly made sense I believed it. But if something was missing or didn't make sense, I had to know why he wasn't coming forth. There was always a reason.

 

I thought maybe you felt that way about the text messages.

 

By the way, you can deal with me or anyone else whom you feel harassed by two ways: (a) read the forum Guidelines and if the post breaks any of them, contact the Moderators with the "alert" button with your reasons (e.g., personal attack, disrespect, badgering, etc.); (b) put the poster on "ignore" from your Profile page. You'll still see the name but not the post after that. I can be very calming. (Kind of like seeing other people argue while listening to music on headphones).

[renaissancewoman]

Cuckoo, Liam, Honourably Honest, and others:

I do thank you for the sound advice and perspectives you have shared. It is difficult to express in an online forum every detail that pertains to your particular scenario without writing a novel so I understand the tendency by others to fill in gaps based on ones own experiences. But I think you took what I wrote and you genuinely refrained from fitting it into your own narrative.

 

Moving forward, I am being more watchful and my husband deeply understands the damage done by not maintaining proper boundaries and lies of omission. I also can take his entire character and know that he desperately wants to make me and our kids happy and that is what drives him EVERY DAY. He understands that we've spent the last 10+ years nurturing kids and not much of nurturing each other. He actually said that on of our recent dates how much he enjoyed spending time with just me. This is a man who avoided ever doing enjoyable things UNLESS his family was with him because he felt guilty doing something fun if he couldn't share it with his kids. So when he lamented about how he missed out on 10 years of just enjoying us, just the two of us, I believe that he has had some form of awakening. We both have really.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Cuckoo, Liam, Honourably Honest, and others:

I do thank you for the sound advice and perspectives you have shared. It is difficult to express in an online forum every detail that pertains to your particular scenario without writing a novel so I understand the tendency by others to fill in gaps based on ones own experiences. But I think you took what I wrote and you genuinely refrained from fitting it into your own narrative.

 

Moving forward, I am being more watchful and my husband deeply understands the damage done by not maintaining proper boundaries and lies of omission. I also can take his entire character and know that he desperately wants to make me and our kids happy and that is what drives him EVERY DAY. He understands that we've spent the last 10+ years nurturing kids and not much of nurturing each other. He actually said that on of our recent dates how much he enjoyed spending time with just me. This is a man who avoided ever doing enjoyable things UNLESS his family was with him because he felt guilty doing something fun if he couldn't share it with his kids. So when he lamented about how he missed out on 10 years of just enjoying us, just the two of us, I believe that he has had some form of awakening. We both have really.

 

 

And that is music to the ears Renaissance, keep it going, and lots of luck to you all.

 

Cuckoo x

[Lois_Griffin]

By the way, Dr. Fone is a complete scam and waste of money as when I tried to scan my husband's phone last night TWICE it would crash after "analyzing" for an hour each time! So my suggestion is before you all talk as if you know everything and recommend programs, maybe you should make sure it's actually a valid company.

DrFone works wonders for many people. Just because you couldn't make it work successfully doesn't mean people here don't know what they're talking about or that it's a 'scam.'

 

We understand the need to keep one's head buried in the sand because it's so warm around your ears. You won't be the first.

 

Or the last.

[renaissancewoman]

DrFone works wonders for many people. Just because you couldn't make it work successfully doesn't mean people here don't know what they're talking about or that it's a 'scam.'

 

A simple google search for DrFone crashing would reveal that this is such a flawed program and it crashes quite a bit. I wish I would have actually looked at the reviews first. I think it would do everyone a favor if people would stop suggesting things unless they actually have tried it for themselves first.

 

We understand the need to keep one's head buried in the sand because it's so warm around your ears. You won't be the first.

 

Or the last.

 

But again, I don't know what your story is Lois, but this statement just reeks of the type of cynicism that is destructive to healing and completely uncalled for. And this kind of "help" is not what should be happening at these forums. Take the context in the thread and offer insights based on that, not on what you assume because you've read such and such from other threads and have become so bitter yourself that you can't be open to the very possibility that people might not actually be living a miserable existence.

 

Thank you for your concern. I think I'm good now.