I'm Bored. How long does it take to feel?

[Satu]

Too many people can mean too little self.

 

Too much self can mean too few people.

 

You have to have the balance.

 

Time alone is absolutely delicious if its chosen, rather than dictated by circumstance.

 

 

“Our language has wisely sensed these two sides of man’s being alone. It has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.”

 

― Paul Tillich, The Eternal Now.

 

 

"Humankind is alone because he/[she] is human]. In some way every creature is alone...Loneliness can be conquered only by those who can bear solitude.

 

To overcome 'our' sense of aloness is a life long pursuit - let us not despair in its pursuit!”

 

― Paul Tillich, Boundaries of Our Being.

 

 

The truth is that its possible to feel alone when in the midst of people, and in the best of company when alone.

 

It isn't proximity that we seek, but connection.

 

One way of establishing the feeling of connection is through solitude.

 

I recently had a conversation with someone who said he was lonely.

 

My advice was, "You need to spend more time alone."

 

I mention all this, because I strongly sense from what you say, that you're not feeling connected.

 

Explore solitude.

 

 

Take care.

[Tayla]

Lw, I take into consideration what others think. it's called regard for others in a civil way. I definitely have not sensed a low esteem by your postings here, if anything you have been honest with where you are in life. You even show a bit of humility in some ways.

 

We each give value where it's beneficial .

 

You are simply at a cross roads.. And yes, it does give that wake up call of , what's next? What's new?!.

 

in the words of tom petty... The waiting is the hardest part..

 

Sounds like you are a go getter .. And this lull is not in your nature?

[loveweary11]

Okay then I have no idea only but to leave you with this one little nugget of truth....a truly cofident person doesn't give a crap about what other people think but this is the second time in this thread alone that you mentioned people's opinions or what people will approve of.

 

No, that's out of context.

 

What I was saying about what othet people think was voicing an uncertainty I had regarding becoming a single old man.

 

A single old man has very little perceived value standing next to a married couple, a single old woman or kids.

 

Basically, no one cares if he lives or dies.

 

When I was married, I better customer service. Because I was half of a cute couple and people would go out of their way to give us freebies, upgrades, etc.

 

A cute older couple gets these things too...

 

A single old man? Not so much.

[amaysngrace]

So you want to find somebody you can be serious about and possibly settle down with?

 

How about volunteering somewhere?

 

Maybe you brag because you see yourself as having no value, since you're just a single man. If that's what you're doing stop doing that.

 

Nobody likes a bragger.

[loveweary11]

 

 

 

The truth is that its possible to feel alone when in the midst of people, and in the best of company when alone.

 

It isn't proximity that we seek, but connection.

 

One way of establishing the feeling of connection is through solitude.

 

I recently had a conversation with someone who said he was lonely.

 

My advice was, "You need to spend more time alone."

 

I mention all this, because I strongly sense from what you say, that you're not feeling connected.

 

Explore solitude.

 

 

Take care.

 

Question from the less intelligent....

 

What does it mean to explore solitude?

 

I grew up in relative solitude. A very rural area. It was quiet. Now, away from people to some extent, but not too far, I'm feeling and enjoying the same solitude again,

 

And you're right. I'm not connected. I normally have some huge undertaking going on that drives me. Right now, everything feels like busy work. There is no passion with life, no passion with women. Just a sense of plugging along.

 

I'm a huge cynic. Product of NY and a life of travel. Takes a lot to impress me. But since divorce, nothing ignites passion within me.

 

Do you feel returning to solitude would help that?

[loveweary11]

So you want to find somebody you can be serious about and possibly settle down with?

 

How about volunteering somewhere?

 

Maybe you brag because you see yourself as having no value, since you're just a single man. If that's what you're doing stop doing that.

 

Nobody likes a bragger.

 

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, but no... i don't. That's the problem.

 

I don't want to give myself to anyone. I'm more balanced by myself for once in life.

 

I don't brag.

 

Where are you getting some of this stuff? I didn't write it....

 

Bragging and self confidence aren't the same thing...

[loveweary11]

Lw, I take into consideration what others think. it's called regard for others in a civil way. I definitely have not sensed a low esteem by your postings here, if anything you have been honest with where you are in life. You even show a bit of humility in some ways.

 

We each give value where it's beneficial .

 

You are simply at a cross roads.. And yes, it does give that wake up call of , what's next? What's new?!.

 

in the words of tom petty... The waiting is the hardest part..

 

Sounds like you are a go getter .. And this lull is not in your nature?

 

Still at a crossroads? Ugh.... say it isn't so...

 

Maybe that's it.

 

This crossroads is taking forever...

 

Yes, lulls aren't really in my nature. I tend to move and do things.

 

I've never given myself fully to someone and had that crushed before. Does it really take this long and longer to become normal again after that?

 

I'm essentially numb to life still.

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, but no... i don't. That's the problem.

 

I don't want to give myself to anyone. I'm more balanced by myself for once in life.

 

I don't brag.

 

Where are you getting some of this stuff? I didn't write it....

 

Bragging and self confidence aren't the same thing...

 

Um yea I don't know what you're saying.

 

I thought you were saying you are numb to your feelings.

Edited April 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[S_A]

LW, I've been with those out-of-this-world hot girls that you always describe. My ex GF (the one before my current GF) was one of those girls. She had hordes of guys pursuing her and I had lot of haters because of it. However, deep down, even though I knew she was scorchin' hot, I still felt older women were sexier. It didn't matter if they were 10 years older or 20 years older. A lot of older women just ooze with sexy and I think you're missing out.

 

In case it matters, my ex was one month younger than me and we were in our mid 20's at the time. My current GF is three years younger and I'm 33 now.

Edited April 15, 2016 by S_A

[Justanaverageguy]

That's my point - for someone who genuinely loves it, it's never just the same old. Each one is like discovering some new great piece of art or going to a different country and immersing yourself in a new, unfamiliar culture. The fact that you don't feel that just tells me you're not as much of a ladies' man as you sometimes appear to be. You're chasing sth other than tang ....feelings, security, fulfillment, whatever. That's fine and even commendable but you were never gonna find that thru random hookups to begin with.

 

Oh and there's always a hotter girl. And you can always find ways to give them more orgasms ....never mind yours.

 

Yep - it depends on why you are doing it. For a lot of guys its less about the actual girl and the sex - more about the challenge and ego boost they get from "catching" a beautiful lady.

 

Because for guys a large part of the fun of the chase is actually knowing the girl can get away and that she's "hard to get". When the chase becomes easy - its no fun. The challenge and difficulty of the chase is actually a significant part of what ignites the sexual attraction \ feelings in men. Without one ..... the other diminishes. Hunter gathering instincts.

[dichotomy]

I am not sure what your real question is?

 

How long does it take - or how can I - have deep loving, feeling, and imitate relationship(s) again?

 

Or I am not feeling life and purpose ? I just kind of feel nothing and not passionate about life?

 

 

or some combination of both?

[PrettyEmily77]

I really think you need a reality-check, OP.

 

I don't think you're socialised enough - I'm not talking mad week-long music festivals, I mean enjoying a quiet drink down the pub with good friends, sharing the little and big worries of life and putting the world to rights; it really helps put things in perspective, and makes you a little humbler in the process.

 

Living in one's own head for too long isn't healthy for anyone.

[elaine567]

If you surround yourself with temporary, superficial, shallow people, then a) you tend to mimic them and b) you start to feel empty, bored and lonely as there is nothing "real" in your life.

 

The only real thing is the boat and as it is not going well either, it only adds to the pressure.

All in all, there is little true "joy" to be found.

 

YOU have avoided the real issues here post-divorce, by playing safe.

Good time party girls do not need emotional investment - splash the cash and they come running.

Real people need maintenance, love and investment and you dodge them at all costs in case you get hurt.

So you are either sooo busy with the boat or sooo busy having "fun" - it all leaves no room for real people.

[Jabron1]

No, there aren't hotter girls. Honestly.

 

I've been with a few of what I consider to be the hottest girls on the planet. There aren't hotter ones. All have other defects, imperfections, etc. I have reached the top of that. I'm talking about pure perfection. Hot in an animalistic way, looking at such details as face, eyes, nose, stomach, skin texture, boobs, legs, arms, hands and feet. Everything. Even skin color and hair/eye color. I've been with perfection. There is no next level on that.

 

This thread says I'm *not* chasing those things. That I'm not feeling those things.

 

In the hookup world, I'm also sure that not immersing your self in each person's unique sensuality doesn't even matter. You just go get another new one. I think, essentially, tang has become a commodity to me and I'm not interested in relationships.

 

Thread was asking people if they felt the same, thought that was normal at my specific point in life and if it goes away and how long it might take.

 

You've merely plateaued, and become complacent. It happens.

 

It'll last for as long as it takes for you to break the pattern.

 

What's another random or 10 when it's just the same old?

 

I like thrills, not getting into habits.

 

Then, instead of cruising, you should put your foot down, or take it off. So, two suggestions that will snap you out of it:

 

1. Approach the game differently.

Speed the car until it crashes. Aim for same day sex. Try more outrageous behavior. Put yourself in much more difficult situations. Generally just amuse yourself. Aim for mastery.

 

You say that you've done it all. You haven't. None of us have. And if I was your wingman, I could change your mind about that in an afternoon.

 

2. Take a break.

Drop all of your options, and just stop. Set yourself a period of time away from women. Try for at least 3 months of not getting laid (porn is allowed - of course). And take it seriously: that means if a woman is smiling at you on your way home from work, you ignore it. If she flirts, you keep things cold. Hell, I don't care if a woman puts her hand on your crotch, you take it off and take a cold shower.

 

By the end of your break, you'll be refreshed, and be gagging to get back in the game

 

Like...getting new tang is like getting gas or milk at the convenience store.

 

Not cool, but that's what it is. And even easier, I usually order it using an app. lmao

 

I suggest you stop online dating asap. I'm serious: close down all your profiles. It's nowhere near as fulfilling, and will make you lazy.

 

LW, I've been with those out-of-this-world hot girls that you always describe. My ex GF (the one before my current GF) was one of those girls. She had hordes of guys pursuing her and I had lot of haters because of it. However, deep down, even though I knew she was scorchin' hot, I still felt older women were sexier. It didn't matter if they were 10 years older or 20 years older. A lot of older women just ooze with sexy and I think you're missing out.

 

In case it matters, my ex was one month younger than me and we were in our mid 20's at the time. My current GF is three years younger and I'm 33 now.

 

I don't agree with his insistence on only seeing young girls either. Older women can be sexy as hell, and they can be a different challenge.

 

There's a woman in her 40s where I work. If she weren't a colleague, the things I'd do to her...

[losangelena]

2. Take a break.

Drop all of your options, and just stop. Set yourself a period of time away from women. Try for at least 3 months of not getting laid (porn is allowed - of course). And take it seriously: that means if a woman is smiling at you on your way home from work, you ignore it. If she flirts, you keep things cold. Hell, I don't care if a woman puts her hand on your crotch, you take it off and take a cold shower.

 

By the end of your break, you'll be refreshed, and be gagging to get back in the game

 

I suggest you stop online dating asap. I'm serious: close down all your profiles. It's nowhere near as fulfilling, and will make you lazy.

 

This is precisely what I said. If you continually fill up on 7-11 Slim Jims, you're not gonna have the palette for it when the filet mignon comes around.

[TheWoman]

Sounds like an existential crisis to me.

 

In that state I would reach out to the people I love and respect, to talk through my feelings.

 

Do you have real people in your life you can do this with?

[Rejected Rosebud]

You make it very clear in all your posts that you are only concerned with the most superficial aspects of all of life, including of course women and relationships. You are probably just experiencing this. No depth = no depth.

[jen1447]

Sounds like an existential crisis to me.

 

In that state I would reach out to the people I love and respect, to talk through my feelings.

 

Do you have real people in your life you can do this with?

 

Yes! I get the vibe thru all these threads of LW's that he's really just wondering who he is, not so much who he'll spend the rest of his life with or how. That should at least be what you figure out first before you try to figure out who someone else is.

 

Also just to point out, ppl who worry that they "don't feel" etc. actually do feel - the worry about it is evidence of feeling. For ppl who literally don't feel or don't care, the thought never occurs to them. Not trying to marginalize your situation LW but I think you're succumbing to a bit of the sort of reflective melodrama that heartbreak victims are vulnerable to.

[S_A]

I don't agree with his insistence on only seeing young girls either. Older women can be sexy as hell, and they can be a different challenge.

 

There's a woman in her 40s where I work. If she weren't a colleague, the things I'd do to her...

 

Oh yeah? Try 59! I worked with a lady that was 59 that had me eating out of her hand. I know, 59 is a high number and not the age I'd typically refer to when I say "sexy older women". Sometimes she'd come up behind me and say "hi" or "good morning" while lightly running her hand across my back as she walked by. It'd turn me to mush. One time she took me out for lunch and was recommending things for my to possibly try, then changed her mind and took the menu from my hands and said she was going to order for me. ****ing hot

 

I will say this though. Her touches were killer. They felt different than everyone else's. It's like she knew how to channel "sexy" through her touch.

 

edit: I will also add that she looked younger than her age and I know she did not have work done. I can spot plastics from a mile away.

Edited April 15, 2016 by S_A

[loveweary11]

Sounds like an existential crisis to me.

 

In that state I would reach out to the people I love and respect, to talk through my feelings.

 

Do you have real people in your life you can do this with?

 

Sadly, I do not.

 

I'm the boss, so no work friends. I travel, so no constant community. No old friends. Those were gone from being married so long.

 

I just have party girls.

 

And in general, nobody wants to hear about my feelings...

[loveweary11]

Yes! I get the vibe thru all these threads of LW's that he's really just wondering who he is, not so much who he'll spend the rest of his life with or how. That should at least be what you figure out first before you try to figure out who someone else is.

 

Also just to point out, ppl who worry that they "don't feel" etc. actually do feel - the worry about it is evidence of feeling. For ppl who literally don't feel or don't care, the thought never occurs to them. Not trying to marginalize your situation LW but I think you're succumbing to a bit of the sort of reflective melodrama that heartbreak victims are vulnerable to.

 

No melodrama, but the rest is pretty accurate.

 

No clue who I am, what I want to do, etc.

 

Life is short and there are so many paths. Not even sure it's necessary to have a path. Wandering works, but I definitely am excited by nothing anymore. Almost nothing anyway.

 

This is because I've done just about everything and novelty excites me.,

Edited April 15, 2016 by loveweary11

[TheWoman]

Sadly, I do not.

 

I'm the boss, so no work friends. I travel, so no constant community. No old friends. Those were gone from being married so long.

 

I just have party girls.

 

And in general, nobody wants to hear about my feelings...

 

This is the emptiness in your life. This is what Satu meant about connection. The connectedness of us all is intrinsic, we all need it.

 

Forget all that player nonsense. Find a spiritual path. Reach higher. From what I have read you are more than capable.

[Ruby Slippers]

You have a good problem: too much good fortune. Have you considered giving back in some way - volunteering, philanthropy, mentoring youngsters who don't have the same good fortune, doing your part to influence positive growth beyond your immediate reach?

[thecrucible]

I'm a girl in her mid-twenties and I've never been married or divorced so maybe my advice won't be that helpful but whatever, I'll share it anyway.

 

I can definitely relate the feeling of freedom from not being accountable for anyone and being able to do what I like, so to speak. But then I can also relate to the feeling of boredom after a post-breakup spreading my wings, knowing that there isn't much more to learn. For me being single having been in a bad relationship and seeing others' relationships fall apart, it just makes me cynical about the whole thing sometimes. I think when you're out of practice, it's hard to get back into that mindset. I'm like you in a way in that I have no desire to get out and do everything anymore and meet party people all the time.

 

I also struggled to get an emotionally connected mindset after being out of a relationship for so long. Perhaps you can work on that too? For me, I've pretty much reached the stage of wanting a relationship finally because I miss certain qualities I can't get just with friends - someone I can trust with everything, someone who understands me and is on my wavelength. I think it's unlikely that I'll ever feel butterflies again though because I've become far too analytical and emotionally distanced from the process now.

 

Anyway if I'm getting you right than I can relate - it's hard to learn to "feel" again. It reminds me of that song Another Love by Tom Odell.

[loveweary11]

@thecrucible

 

That's exactly how I am too. Exactly.

 

I've had some time to think.

 

I'm really stuck in life right now in another way. I can't find the help I need to do the boat interior or run my NY business. Both tasks are highly specialized and require not only lots of expertise and training, but they also required some longevity and reliability in the employee.

 

I'm not finding this.

 

Before, the majority of the work my employees did on the boat was the fairing. This is a process of smoothing the outside so it looks like a car quality once you paint.

 

This isn't highly skilled labor like doing interior work is.

 

So I'm truly stuck. It's 60hrs a week of work on my NY business, which comes in spurts, but doesn't tax you the whole time. There is no "spare time" to get anything done on the boat.

 

I've been stuck in this pattern for quite some time.

 

So, do I sell this boat, unfinished, barely getting back what i put in, when it was an investment meant to double my outlay?

 

I was considering what everyone said. I realize I'm isolated out here, which is fun, with your girl, but not at all healthy solo.

 

So I'm considering buying an RV and putting this boat up for sale as is, even though it would be such a huge loss.

 

The boat was my investment, my future income. Yacht charters are my game. So if I just unload it, I have no career (ny biz could become a career, but was never intended to be one) and no grand investment plan moving forward to pad for retirement.

 

Is it worth it though, to become connected again?

 

I have a lot of people I could visit with and new ones i can get to know. But as I waste amonth of my life, alone, traveling up north by boat, when it could be done in 2 days in an rv... I am left wondering if i just need a complete reset and to look at new businesses.

 

Any input/thoughts on that?

 

Because I'm feeling isolated out here.

 

It was ok temporarily, but this isn't very temporary if I can't get the thing finished!

Edited April 16, 2016 by loveweary11