"I'll always just be the second guy"

[earlymorningshakes]

Backstory: I'm divorced and have a child with my ex-husband. The relationship has been over for more than 2 years and I was the one that left. He was horrible to me for a very long time after I left (saying bad things around our child, etc.) and things have JUST started to become amiable now that he has a girlfriend.

 

My current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. We live together and the eventually goal is marriage. He is amazing with my child and our relationship is world's above any other relationship I've ever had.

 

However...he suddenly seems to be jealous of the ex and it's creating a lot of issues. My ultimate goal is to be friends with the ex and his girlfriend so that we can all be at my child's birthday parties, events, etc. and it go well. My ex and I text on a regular basis about our child's school, activities or whatever concerns our child...and my boyfriend always has something to be upset about over it. If my ex sends me something funny about our child, I'll read it to my boyfriend or screen shot and send it and there's usually something I've done wrong. Yesterday it was an emoji. Apparently, I shouldn't ever send an emoji in my texts to my ex, even though I do that for EVERYONE I text.

 

It started a huge argument last night where he was saying how he thinks someday I'll want to be with the ex, I guess? (Never gonna happen.) He says he hates how I spend so much energy on the ex...even though it's always about our child. Last night he said he'll always just be the second guy and that really hurt. He knew about my past when he started dating me.

 

I don't really know how to appease him but still maintain a friendship with the ex, which I feel is the best thing to do for my child.

[Tayla]

You can be civil.

 

Stop the texting nonsense.

 

Unless its about the welfare of decisions that need made, the contact needs to be formal and diplomatic.

 

You are in a CURRENT relationship. He is very much aware of your parenting role. You seem to forget that he is a person to, equally invested in the relationship. Show some respect for his desire to level out this nonsensical texting and "too friendly for comfort" antics.

 

My ex and I are endearing friends Yet we ALSO respect that we carry different lives, We chose to have three rules from the get go. Contact was limited to:

Request for change in scheduling, Health Concerns, Or financials on doctors.

It worked. If anything came up that was school related. A brief message was relayed. We were civil and mater of factly, because the reality is, Life goes on.

[Gloria25]

You know, some people think my fav podcaster is harsh, but that's why she recommends not dating (especially re-marrying and/or having more kids) until the kids are 18, up and out...

 

Cuz, it's never that "smooth". There's jealousies, drama, etc.

 

No matter what you do, I don't think you'll be able to fix this.

 

Me, I try to stay away from people with kids. But, if I try to give them a chance, I try to be the "hamburger on weekends chick". In other words, not that I don't care bout their kids, me becoming part of their lives is gonna create more drama than good. Also, I'm no guy's babysitter and/or maid. I try to spend time with the guy and be introduced as "daddy's friend". I don't spend nights over when the kids are there, no kissing/intimacy/hugging in front of the kids...especially don't want the mother of the kids to know he's dating.

 

Also, I'm mature enough to understand that with that person being the mother of their kid, they're gonna talk, text, etc. cuz hello, they still gotta amicably raise that kid till it's 18, but some people can't handle that.

 

So, sorry, dating with kids isn't easy...maybe you need to tell this guy bye-bye cuz he appears not to be like me - someone who is mindful of the issues with dating a parent. Or, like my fav podcaster suggests, put off dating until the kids are 18 and out and pick up hobbies, join a bowling league, etc.

[elaine567]

I think he is just now waking up to the fact that he is living with a person who co-parents, he is finding out what that is really all about and he doesn't like it.

He was probably just settling in to living with you as a "family", and sees the "now friendly" ex as an interloper.

Problem here is that the ex is going nowhere, and maybe that fact just hit your bf too.

Not everyone can deal with exes. He perhaps thought the "unfriendly" ex would have bowed out by now leaving him in charge.

Since you now seem to be cultivating the ex and his gf to make it better for your child, he most likely sees that as a betrayal and perhaps a rejection of what he was offering you.

Everyone wants to play happy families now, and he probably feels like an outsider, the "second guy".

I think you need to talk to him about how he feels and how he sees this relationship going forward.

[earlymorningshakes]

You are probably right. I know he feels like an outsider. I offered to include him and turn it into a group text for when we are arranging pick ups and whatnot (As ridiculous as I think that will appear), and he said no. I don't know how to make him feel "more included".

 

I think the problem here is that he doesn't have children and doesn't understand how important successful co-parenting is to me.

[dichotomy]

Been through step family issues as a stepchild and a stepdad.

 

How old is your child?

 

The dynamics may get interesting for you as well if your ex marries his GF and she becomes mommy 2. Been through as well.

 

Do you really need to have joint birthday and other events with your ex and his new GF? I mean I get wanting to be civil and cordial and all - but you don't have to be one big extended family either - sipping wine on the patio as couples. Besides kids like having two birthdays and two Xmases.

 

Cordial but some distance works best with this thing. I do appreciate and applaud the efforts you made to have resolved the animosity with your ex - it was a mess for us and her (our) child because of long term fights.

[earlymorningshakes]

She is just 5, but has a higher level of emotion than I would have expected at her age...especially since we separated when she was just 3. I know that his girlfriend also has children from a previous marriage, so I'm hoping that will only benefit the situation. I have no problem with my daughter having a good relationship with the ex's girlfriend (future wife?)

 

I guess I want her to be able to eventually say, "I have four awesome parents!" rather than "My parents divorced when I was a child and it ruined my life." I know people my age that fit both sides of the coin and I just really want her to experience the positive side of it.

 

And no, we don't HAVE to have the joint parties and whatnot, but I know from the last year that she would like that.

 

Been through step family issues as a stepchild and a stepdad.

 

How old is your child?

 

The dynamics may get interesting for you as well if your ex marries his GF and she becomes mommy 2. Been through as well.

 

Do you really need to have joint birthday and other events with your ex and his new GF? I mean I get wanting to be civil and cordial and all - but you don't have to be one big extended family either - sipping wine on the patio as couples. Besides kids like having two birthdays and two Xmases.

 

Cordial but some distance works best with this thing. I do appreciate and applaud the efforts you made to have resolved the animosity with your ex - it was a mess for us and her (our) child because of long term fights.

[Gloria25]

You are probably right. I know he feels like an outsider. I offered to include him and turn it into a group text for when we are arranging pick ups and whatnot (As ridiculous as I think that will appear), and he said no. I don't know how to make him feel "more included".

 

I think the problem here is that he doesn't have children and doesn't understand how important successful co-parenting is to me.

 

And, you know, my fav podcaster was talking about that word "blended families"...and you know what she said?

 

She was like 'How can you call it "blended"'? When you put something in a "blender", it mashes it up all together and you can't do that with human beings. Humans have more complex feelings, needs, etc. - like the OPs boyfriend. He can't just "blend". Wait till he starts taking issue with how the OP raises her kids and him stepping in to discipline is gonna make her ex and kid upset cuz they're gonna be like "This guy ain't my daddy".

 

I'm sorry, but RLs involving exes, kids, re-marriages aren't the Brady Bunch. Over 75% of 2nd marriages that include kids end up in divorces for a reason; and, of the 25% that seem to be making it? They are struggling all the way.

[LydiaLong]

Being a jealous type myself, I can understand his discomfort with the light-hearted nature of your texts with the ex.

 

If you didn't have a boyfriend, it might be ok to send really friendly texts to the ex; however, I think you should show some respect by just communicating things that are absolutely necessary.

[whichwayisup]

Your boyfriend has no right to be jealous and be hurt by the contact between you and your ex. Your boyfriend is insecure and if he wants to continue a R with you he has to work on himself and get over the jealously. This is what's best for your child, having a blended family where you all get along will benefit your child and he has to understand this.

 

Not sure what you can do other than reaffirm your love for him and make him feel secure, hope that he trusts you and works on himself (doing counseling) to deal with his jealously. If he can't accept how things are, sadly you may have to end your R with him. Whatever you do, do NOT marry him while he is acting this way. It'll only get worse as time goes on.

 

You and your ex aren't 'friends' you two are co parenting together. Keep it always about your child, and keep personal chit chat to a minimum.

[Alamo657]

Backstory: I'm divorced and have a child with my ex-husband. The relationship has been over for more than 2 years and I was the one that left. He was horrible to me for a very long time after I left (saying bad things around our child, etc.) and things have JUST started to become amiable now that he has a girlfriend.

 

My current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. We live together and the eventually goal is marriage. He is amazing with my child and our relationship is world's above any other relationship I've ever had.

 

However...he suddenly seems to be jealous of the ex and it's creating a lot of issues. My ultimate goal is to be friends with the ex and his girlfriend so that we can all be at my child's birthday parties, events, etc. and it go well. My ex and I text on a regular basis about our child's school, activities or whatever concerns our child...and my boyfriend always has something to be upset about over it. If my ex sends me something funny about our child, I'll read it to my boyfriend or screen shot and send it and there's usually something I've done wrong. Yesterday it was an emoji. Apparently, I shouldn't ever send an emoji in my texts to my ex, even though I do that for EVERYONE I text.

 

It started a huge argument last night where he was saying how he thinks someday I'll want to be with the ex, I guess? (Never gonna happen.) He says he hates how I spend so much energy on the ex...even though it's always about our child. Last night he said he'll always just be the second guy and that really hurt. He knew about my past when he started dating me.

 

I don't really know how to appease him but still maintain a friendship with the ex, which I feel is the best thing to do for my child.

 

You can maintain a "friendship" with your ex without it being "inyourface" with your current boyfriend.

 

he's probably feeling like you're not done with your ex.

[elaine567]

I think the problem here is that he doesn't have children

 

Yes, that is the big problem here.

You, your ex and now his gf are "children minded" as you all have children.

Your bf is a man out of his depth, and he doesn't like it.

[earlymorningshakes]

Your boyfriend has no right to be jealous and be hurt by the contact between you and your ex. Your boyfriend is insecure and if he wants to continue a R with you he has to work on himself and get over the jealously. This is what's best for your child, having a blended family where you all get along will benefit your child and he has to understand this.

 

Not sure what you can do other than reaffirm your love for him and make him feel secure, hope that he trusts you and works on himself (doing counseling) to deal with his jealously. If he can't accept how things are, sadly you may have to end your R with him. Whatever you do, do NOT marry him while he is acting this way. It'll only get worse as time goes on.

 

You and your ex aren't 'friends' you two are co parenting together. Keep it always about your child, and keep personal chit chat to a minimum.

 

You always have well thought out and balanced feedback on this forum! I agree with everything you've said.

 

Personal chit chat doesn't happen. It's always about our daughter, but there have been times that I've sent like a picture of something she was doing for Christmas or he texted me something that happened to her at school that day and that's what the BF gets upset about. Because I'm divorced, I only get to be with my daughter 50% of her time and if I get some insight into what's happening with her when I'm not around, I so appreciate it! It's just frustrating to have to try and "justify it".

[OneLov]

Because I'm divorced, I only get to be with my daughter 50% of her time and if I get some insight into what's happening with her when I'm not around, I so appreciate it! It's just frustrating to have to try and "justify it".

 

It's probably frustrating that he never knows when to be "dad." You cannot have four parents when two are always available. Your boyfriend is probably being respectful and deferring to her dad. Since dad is always virtually involved, why would he over step his boundaries and be a parent when dad is always "there."

 

I grew up with "four" parents. At age 5, I was able to articulate to set A what I did with set B after set B dropped me off. Even though I had "four" parents, I only had two active parents at one time. That is how you bond with step relations; you treat them no different and exclusive. If it were my two divorced parents and their tag-along significant others who raised me, that is how I would describe it later in life.

 

Another example is with grandparents. I bonded with my grandparents when they had me for weekends, nights, days, whatever. When it was my mother or father and their parents, my grandparents played a very different role.

 

My advice: Spend a day where its only you, your daughter and boyfriend. Do not contact dad. Let your daughter tell him about what she did with you when she sees dad. I wish you the best.

Edited April 14, 2016 by OneLov

[Lady2163]

Backstory: I'm divorced and have a child with my ex-husband. The relationship has been over for more than 2 years and I was the one that left. He was horrible to me for a very long time after I left (saying bad things around our child, etc.) and things have JUST started to become amiable now that he has a girlfriend.

 

My current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. We live together and the eventually goal is marriage. He is amazing with my child and our relationship is world's above any other relationship I've ever had.

 

However...he suddenly seems to be jealous of the ex and it's creating a lot of issues. My ultimate goal is to be friends with the ex and his girlfriend so that we can all be at my child's birthday parties, events, etc. and it go well. My ex and I text on a regular basis about our child's school, activities or whatever concerns our child...and my boyfriend always has something to be upset about over it. If my ex sends me something funny about our child, I'll read it to my boyfriend or screen shot and send it and there's usually something I've done wrong. Yesterday it was an emoji. Apparently, I shouldn't ever send an emoji in my texts to my ex, even though I do that for EVERYONE I text.

 

It started a huge argument last night where he was saying how he thinks someday I'll want to be with the ex, I guess? (Never gonna happen.) He says he hates how I spend so much energy on the ex...even though it's always about our child. Last night he said he'll always just be the second guy and that really hurt. He knew about my past when he started dating me.

 

I don't really know how to appease him but still maintain a friendship with the ex, which I feel is the best thing to do for my child.

 

You are spending a lot of energy on your ex and this desire to have joint birthday parties and/or holidays would be worrisome to me if I was in the situation.

 

While I understand you're thinking of your daughters future, you have to think of yours as well. You knew going in that the boyfriend didn't have kids. Did he know before you moved in together that you wanted to patch things up with your ex, have a cordial friendship and joint celebrations? Have your patterns of communication and relationship changed since you and your boyfriend became serious? On your first date, did your Ex text you a funny story? Is this how it has always been?

 

I also think you need to cut out the friendly chit chat. This is one of the many downfalls of texting. Would it work for you to call or text your Ex only when the boyfriend is around? I know that sounds slightly ludicrous, but if you want a future with the bf, there is some responsibility on your part to not participate in activities that make him feel less secure.

 

As hard as it is, set your child aside for a minute, mentally. All your boyfriend sees is you putting effort and energy into having a positive relationship with an Ex. It doesn't matter the reason. I'm sure your bf is realizing that to marry you means a lifetime of joint celebrations with your Ex. He may put the time in as a step parent, but he won't walk your daughter down the aisle. He won't get the second dance at her wedding. He won't be the fourth person to hold his step grandchild. Actually, with two sets of grandparents and if your husband remarries, he will be 8th if he is lucky.

 

That does take a certain toll on a person.

 

Does your ex's girlfriend have the same rapport with her ex husband?

 

What you're proposing is admirable and graceful...if you were single. Your daughter may be your first priority, but your boyfriend is possibly making you his first priority. He feels like an option - and a second choice option.

[Gloria25]

I don't get how people can tell the OP not to be "friendly" to her ex and father of her kids....remember, while she may not want him again, for her to be cold and "matter of fact" when it comes to the kids is gonna probably sour their amicable attempts to co-parent.

 

Just cuz people are no longer in love anymore, doesn't mean that the bond as "friends" that they had at some point in their life is just gonna go away - especially if they had a kid together.

 

From the texts she described - which she shows to her current bf, I don't see her trying to get back with her ex.

[earlymorningshakes]

I don't get how people can tell the OP not to be "friendly" to her ex and father of her kids....remember, while she may not want him again, for her to be cold and "matter of fact" when it comes to the kids is gonna probably sour their amicable attempts to co-parent.

 

Just cuz people are no longer in love anymore, doesn't mean that the bond as "friends" that they had at some point in their life is just gonna go away - especially if they had a kid together.

 

From the texts she described - which she shows to her current bf, I don't see her trying to get back with her ex.

 

I wouldn't get back with my ex if he were the last man on earth. LOL! I left for a reason and I should have left about 3 years before I did.

 

I don't get it either because it's not a "Hey, how ya doing today?" kind of thing. It's strictly friendly over our child.

[neowulf]

Perhaps some mediated counselling would be in order, to get these feelings on the table and resolved.

 

Trust me, you don't solve these issues by taking the stance of "Well, this is YOUR problem. Get over it!".

 

Right or wrong, your boyfriend feels how he feels. The question is, how are you both going to negotiate your way through the situation to find an outcome you can both live with.

 

If you make it "My way or the highway", don't be surprised when people shrug and take the highway.

 

Talk with him, try get to the root of what bothers him and get some perspective on it. I really recommend a 3rd party, to prevent things boiling over into a full blown argument.

[Tayla]

I wouldn't get back with my ex if he were the last man on earth. LOL! I left for a reason and I should have left about 3 years before I did.

 

I don't get it either because it's not a "Hey, how ya doing today?" kind of thing. It's strictly friendly over our child.

 

in due time you'll come to understand.

 

and yes, ur boyfriend can feel any way he wishes... Annoyed being one of them.

 

Live and learn...

[salparadise]

There is a lot of space between being friendly-friendly with the ex and being cordial and accommodating in matters concerning the kids. Firstly, I'd suggest avoiding texting the ex in the presence of the boyfriend, secondly, I'd take a less effusive tone overall in those communications. It's doesn't have to be a radical cut-off, but you know it's eliciting certain feelings in the boyfriend, and the tone of you communication is a lot more in your control than his feelings about same are to him. If you care about how someone else feels, the answer it not "just get over it."

[Gloria25]

There is a lot of space between being friendly-friendly with the ex and being cordial and accommodating in matters concerning the kids. Firstly, I'd suggest avoiding texting the ex in the presence of the boyfriend, secondly, I'd take a less effusive tone overall in those communications. It's doesn't have to be a radical cut-off, but you know it's eliciting certain feelings in the boyfriend, and the tone of you communication is a lot more in your control than his feelings about same are to him. If you care about how someone else feels, the answer it not "just get over it."

 

If she hides the communication it's gonna make the bf really think something's going on between them.

 

I don't think her real opinion is "get over it". But he sure needs to. He needs to "know his role". For him to expect her to be cold, short, and "matter of fact" with the father of her kid is unreasonable. If she disrupts the amicable co-parenting situation they have, before you know it, ex is gonna get riled up and there go the court battles, manipulation/pulling on the kids' alliances/feelings towards the parents, etc.

 

Also, like it or not - when you date someone with kids, their paternal/maternal instinct takes over. They get protective (even if they're bad parents). Their kids will always come first. They may also spoil those kids out of guilt cuz they divorced the parent and/or broke up the original family unit. So, they won't take kindly to you critiquing how they raise their kids and/or the relationship with their ex/kid's parent.

 

Again, that's why people who try to date and/or re-marry and/or have more kids have issues - for reasons like this situation with the OP. Better to either not date until the kids are 18, up and out; or, if you're strong enough to keep it together, make the person the "hamburgers on the weekend" person your kids never meet.

 

It's best in the long run to spare your kids the drama in the long run that comes from dating. Cuz, look at the OP's situation. Her bf is living with her and her kid. Now, that bf is having issues with ex and these issues probably ain't going away, she's probably gonna have to break up with bf and her daughter may have bonded with this guy. She may also was dependent on this guy financially (they're living together). So, imagine the drama for her daughter in having to adjust to losing the bond with mom's bf, and possibly having to move somewhere else.

[Winterina]

What would get to me here and what strikes me from your post is that you are completely disregarding your bf's feelings and continue to engage with your ex a lot more than necessary for the purpose. You do not need to be THAT friendly with him, especially because you are hurting the guy that loves you. You can be civil and respectful, and that is all that is required. No need to send emojis to your ex and what not. Do you really need to do that? Just because "you send them to everyone else" does not mean you can do that with him, because he is not everyone else, he is your ex.

 

You should have a bit more respect towards your current bf. From what I understood he just recently started having problem with this, after 1,5 years of relationship with you. Perhaps he is not just some overly jealous guy, perhaps you are too close for comfort with your ex, and he finally could not take it and reacted. I did not see anywhere that he told you not to communicate with your ex, or not to be civil to him, or...

 

Stop playing with his patience and testing his nerves, because the guy will build resentment towards you and will dump you.

Sit down and LISTEN to how he feels and what is it that you are doing when you cross the boundaries. Draw some boundaries together that you can both be comfortable with and stick to them because you are starting the process of losing him...

[kgcolonel]

OP....this may not be an issue about the EX but about jealousy over the daughter....your BF may be resenting the attention you spend on your daughter especially while she is with the EX....thus, no time alone and solely dedicated to him....just a possibility.

 

Secondly, I applaud you for your determination to remain friendly with your EX....this is mature co-parenting....really wish more divorced couples would put the child's best interests first instead of who wins or you're bad I'm good attitudes.

 

It really sounds like your right in that your BF doesn't really understand the commitment that a child needs / deserves from both parents (even separated / divorced) and may never understand. My one personal request, put your child first ahead of the BF...she has only one mother and will never have another mother, if things don't work out with your BF, he'll have another GF and you'll eventually have another BF.....

[preraph]

Exes are always a thorn in the side. Bravo that you are over him but also making a pleasant life for the child you have together. Your man is too insecure to live with any competition. In fact, even if there wasn't a child and an ex involved, his insecurity would probably still show itself because that's his insecurity, not something you gave him. You need a more mature man, maybe even a man who also shares custody. He should be able to take your word for it that you are not into your ex, and here's why: Because just reading your post, I was suspicious myself that you still had a thing for your ex, but by the end of it, I realized you wouldn't get back with him. He should be able to process that information. I mean, you can certainly cut back on the imoges and anything that might be construed as unnecessary communication with him, and that might be a good idea anyway. Also, be certain the ex is not tapping you as a way to control you or interfere with your new relationship. Because he might be seeing how far you'll go, you never know.

 

But as long as you're not seeing this man alone and it's always about the kid, he should be able to accept that.

[salparadise]

If she hides the communication it's gonna make the bf really think something's going on between them.

 

I don't think her real opinion is "get over it". But he sure needs to. He needs to "know his role". For him to expect her to be cold, short, and "matter of fact" with the father of her kid is unreasonable. If she disrupts the amicable co-parenting situation they have, before you know it, ex is gonna get riled up and there go the court battles, manipulation/pulling on the kids' alliances/feelings towards the parents, etc.

 

Also, like it or not - when you date someone with kids, their paternal/maternal instinct takes over. They get protective (even if they're bad parents). Their kids will always come first. They may also spoil those kids out of guilt cuz they divorced the parent and/or broke up the original family unit. So, they won't take kindly to you critiquing how they raise their kids and/or the relationship with their ex/kid's parent.

 

Again, that's why people who try to date and/or re-marry and/or have more kids have issues - for reasons like this situation with the OP. Better to either not date until the kids are 18, up and out; or, if you're strong enough to keep it together, make the person the "hamburgers on the weekend" person your kids never meet.

 

It's best in the long run to spare your kids the drama in the long run that comes from dating. Cuz, look at the OP's situation. Her bf is living with her and her kid. Now, that bf is having issues with ex and these issues probably ain't going away, she's probably gonna have to break up with bf and her daughter may have bonded with this guy. She may also was dependent on this guy financially (they're living together). So, imagine the drama for her daughter in having to adjust to losing the bond with mom's bf, and possibly having to move somewhere else.

 

I don't think it's nearly that complicated, and I certainly do not accept that "she's probably going to have to break up with her boyfriend." All but one of the women I've dated since being divorced have (and currently have) kids and ex's they need to communicate with. I also have a daughter and an ex. It has never been a problem, not even a little bit.

 

Half of that equation is that these women all kept it business-like, did not sit around texting the ex in my presence, nor did they create an impression that they were socializing, flirting or being overly familiar. They treat them like ex's, not best buddies.

 

If a person is irrationally jealous it will most likely manifest in multiple situations. I think she simply needs to remove the stimuli that he reacts to, and that will probably eliminate the reactions. But if he imagines threats everywhere he looks then maybe it's irrational jealousy, in which case it may be a deal breaker. But I don't get the impression that's the case at all.

 

Eh, I disagree and don't care to break it down point by point. You're looking at it as a one sided thing, a male problem, but I think it's about dynamics and interactions between two people... both of whom need to do their part to minimize it.

 

**One thing my girlfriend and I do, and not by any agreement - just common courtesy, is to silence the phones when we're together. We check notifications every so often but save a parental emergency we ignore and save it for later. I'd have a hard time being with someone who just couldn't put the phone down for a few hours at a time.