I'm concerned about my girlfriend and coke...please help or listen

[Ryan Raze]

Ok, coming here to write is very hard for me. I feel like i'm going behind her back and doing something wrong, but i'm so scared and i'm not sure where to turn or what to do. I need more opinions.

 

I'm 24 years old and live with my 20 year old girlfriend. We've been together for about 18 months now and things were really good. We have our own townhouse, we both have jobs and life seemed well.

 

She started a job about a year ago as a bartender at a more upscale restaurant/bar in my area. When i met my girlfriend she was kind of a party girl. When she was younger, she did her deal of smoking pot, doin coke a little and taking E. After we got together that pretty much stopped.

 

I also had a lot of experience with drug use, and had my own addiction problem to ecstacy. I used to be a sous chef at a country club, so i understand how drugs and restaurant work go hand in hand a lot of times. I know the people who own the bar and i know that they are coke users on a regular basis, and also a bunch of drunks.

 

The owners sit at the bar and drink non stop, and then have after hour parties all the time. Sometimes my girlfriend wouldnt get home til 3:30-4:30 in the morning and always said she jsut had a drink and sat around and talked.

 

Sometimes she would come home insanely hyper and i immediatly thought it was coke. I would ask her about it, and she would kind of get mad and say, "So i'm always on something right?" or, "Why do i always have to be ****ed up on something".

 

I guess i should specify and say i never said, "Are you on coke" but more like, "Damn yer wired, what are you on?" in a slightly jovial manner.

 

Recently, she's been having thoughts of moving out and getting her own place. She says she's afraid she's going to regret missing out on these years of her life where you live on yoru own and party and do your own thing. She also says she wants to get her career on track. But, she said she can't leave though because she loves me so much and doesnt want to leave our house.

 

Last night she came home around 3:30 and was very drained and very hot (body temp). I didnt really think anything of it, and she ended up sleeping from 5am til 1:30pm. We smoked a bowl around 4:30 and then had sex til about 5:15. I tried to wake her up this morning to go for our walk, and she was really bitchy about it.

 

I still didnt think anything of it, and assumed maybe she had a lot on her mind. Then her friend called me at work and expressed that she believed my girlfriend was on coke last night. Her friend stopped by the bar to show off her new car, and told me my girlfriend was, "Very not herself. Extremely speedy and her eyes were like saucers and that she didnt even blink. She said she wished she had a video recorder so she could show me how weird and sped up she was acting. My girlfriends, friends, boyfriend even thought she was on coke."

 

There had only been one time in our relationship when she lied to me about what she was doing. She was out til 8am and everytime i talked to her on the phone she lied about coming home and where she was. When she finally came home, the truth came out that she was lying to me and was on coke all night. This occured in February this year.

 

So i guess my question/dilema is how do i approach it? Sometimes she drinks ric flairs (red bull/vodka) and that jacks her up because of the red bull. BUt last night she said she only had a beer. So its like, why would she be acting so insane to the point that her best friend called me concerned. The wide eyes, the excessive energy, the fact that she doesnt sleep well anymore, nor does she eat ever, her body heat and the fact that she just slept all day is making me worry. I worry a lot period, but this just has me a little freaked out.

 

I hate her job and i hate her new friends she made because they are bar people. Constantly doin coke and drinking and partying.

 

I'm scared to ask her, but i just want to know whats goign on. I'm afraid i'll say, "Hey baby, whens the last time you did coke"? because i dont want her to be like, "Jesus christ ryan, why is it i'm always on drugs" or jut answer back harshly.

 

I love her to death and am just concerned. Thank you for listening and i really look forwadr to any feedback. I want to talk to her when she gets home tonight, but she may have worked 10 hours and its hard to bring up, but its eating at me. Mainly because her best friend called me and was concerned.

 

Help

 

Ryan Raze

[agnf666]

You need to just find the time to talk to her!!! You need to tell her how much she means to you and if she needs to try to lay off of the hardcore drugs. Pot is one thing but coke and X is serious. I would tell her that people overdose and die from this stuff. Maybe that will get through to her.

 

If she moves out she will just continue to do coke and just have parties all the time. Now, since she is living with you she doesn't have all the chance she could to do that. That's a good thing. Maybe you should also encourage her to get a new job. That might be best.

 

She is also just 20 so she is still in that transition that "Everything is about partying". Until she hits rock bottom she won't realize that life isn't all about the party.

 

You should get her best friend to talk to her too. If her friend and you talk to her then the chances of her listening to the both of you are more likely! I hope you can get through to her before she goes and does something really stupid. I wish you the best of luck!

[Ryan Raze]

Do you think her friend and I should talk to her at the same time? We dont have any proof she is doing it, but it just seems odd ya know. We're both very worried about her, but we are also both afraid to address it because she tends to get defensive..

 

I do try to encourage her to get a new job, but she is making a rediculous amount of money and there is no way she can make that elsewhere.

 

Her new environment is changing her for the worse. Her best friend and I see it and talk about it. Her friend and I are also afraid that if we both talk to her, she (my gf) will assume (or may assume) that we are teaming up on her and conspiring against her behind her back.

 

How do you suggest i bring it up?

 

thank you for what you said...its deep in my mind.

[agnf666]

I think you should talk to her first. See how that goes. The reason why you should be first is because you are living with her and you can see the change of things a little faster then her friend. She might listen to you first.

 

I would bring it up as soon as possible!!! Like let's say she comes in one night all messed up from something. I would wait until later on that day and just bring it up.

 

Things I would bring up is....

 

The change in her behavior!!!

The future

Going to college (if she plans on doing that)

Getting a better Career

 

Be sure to say all the "I care about you and I love you" stuff. Then do the "It scares me when you do that stuff!"

 

If she get's defensive just make sure everything you need to say has been said!! Usually when drug users get defensive that means that they must be on something.

 

**Could you surprise her at work or something... Maybe sneak up on her and catch her doing coke or atleast high on it!!!

 

 

Then after a week or tow you don't see a change in her behavior then get her friend to talk to her!! So she won't think you two are teaming up on her!! Just put enough space between the talks. This ways she can't plot her way out of the talk!!

 

Don't team up it will just be a mess!!!!

[Ryan Raze]

Well, i couldn't "surprise her at work and catch her". She's a bartender so if she does it, she'll slip into the bathroom for a minute and then come back.

 

I work a 4-12 job and til i get to where her work is its about 12:30. I hate going into her work because as a bartender you need to be flirty and overly friendly. I can't stand seeing that and i hate her boss because he is a total piece of ****.

 

I think i have caught her high off it before, but she writes it off as either A) i'm just coming down off a busy night (which i understand to a point) and B) she drank red bull and has a lot of energy from that.

 

Well, i'm afraid to say but her friend may get to her first. I can't let her know that her friend told me of her suspicions, because well...i think that might just get ugly.

 

I want to say somethign to her tonight, but i know she had a very long stressful day. Maybe i should take a shower with her when she gets home and then talk about it ?

 

Thank you for your support, i'm hopefully going to have the will power to do it.

 

Ryan

[scarlyjones]

Sweetie......Im a recovering addict and alcoholic. I have a year and three months sober. Im sorry to inform you that this girl is BEYOND simply getting a new job. That isnt a fix. This HAS control over her. Have you ever heard the phrase "Where ever you go,....there you are" ? Well,..what the means is, even if she leaves to a new job,....even if you and her were to pack up and move to Iceland, her drug problem comes WITH her. Yes,...you are dead-on right,...shes on coke. The behavior you describe sounds like coke to me. The speedy behavior,...the fast talking.....the defensivness,....its all conducive to coke. Know this now and know it well,.....she will NEVER cop to it when you ask,.....she will swear to God and on her own parents life, that she isnt doing coke. All the while,.... she will be,....you guessed it,...doing coke. Its sad. What this needs is the hail-Mary play. Because its almost too late for her. The Intervention. You need to get with her friends,....her family, and any other people she MAY hold dear in her life and set up an intervention. Confront her on this. Bombard her with truth. Its tough,...its draining,..emotionally it kicks her ass AND yours,...but they are effective as long as the family gives ultimatums and STICKS to them. That is key. You cant threaten to kick her out of your life and then turn around,....give in,...and take her back. If you say "Either you get help,...or you are no longer in my life" you MUST STICK TO THAT. The thinking behind that is that she will believe you,...and in believing you she will be afraid of not having the things she loves and be utterly all alone and give treatment a chance. Once in treatment she will want it for herself if she gives it a chance. Doesnt matter how you get there,...just matters what you get out of it. None of us got there on a winning streak,..thats for sure. Good luck, honey. God Bless

[scarlyjones]

Oh and just so you know,......

 

In case you're thinking "But shes not THAT bad, yet",.....

 

Never take someone whos heavily into drugs at face value. They are always waaay heavier into it than they admit or look. So,...if she admits to doing,..say,.....10 lines that week,.....muliply that number by 3,...and you will be ALOT closer to the REAL number. That is fact. Studies have been done. Just as drunks are pulled over and ALWAYS tell the cop they only had "two" beers. Just as guys add an inch to their penis size,.....just as women delete, like, 5 guys off the actual list of guys they've slept with. Same concept. They know you know about her doing drugs,....so they cant exactly lie and say they dont. So what they do is down play it. Act as if its not as much as it is. And the golden rule is SHE WILL NEVER ADMIT TO THIS,...........EVER. Unless she gets sober. Then she will.

[Ryan Raze]

I was hoping it wouldnt have to come to that I dont think she does it a lot, but i really have no way of knowing. I suspect it though...

 

I'm nervous to have an intervention and i dont want her out of my life. Thats the only problem, i'm not prepared to say, "Change your ways or i'm out". Just because i wouldnt have even thought about it until her best friend called me concerned.

 

I'm just afraid trying to have an intervention right now wouldn't make a lot of sense. I would be afraid that her friend and I could both be very wrong, and then cause a lot more problems.

 

I hate to say it, but i dont think i can do that without some kind of hard evidence. Dont you think i will know if she's lying to me though? I mean, i'm a pretty smart guy and I know her...

 

I just think that would be going too far right now...i do appreciate your advice and suggestions, i just fear that resolution would cause more problems at this point and time, especially because its all based on assumptions...

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Ryan Raze

We smoked a bowl around 4:30 and then had sex til about 5:15.

 

Are you willing to give up your drugs if she gives up hers? My point - while I certainly think this is something you may want to confront, the advice and questioning may not be as well received considering you use drugs yourself. It's like a three a day beer drinker telling a three a day vodka drinker they're an alcoholic. Could come off as a little hypocritical. At least when I used drugs, I'd see it that way.

 

If you want her to kick the coke she needs to kick all drugs - in my opinion.

[Ryan Raze]

i agree, but i dont have proof of the coke, and neither of us really views pot as a drug. We dont do it so much that its an issue.

 

I would give up everything if i knew she was safe and clean. I just dont know what she's doing for 100% yet...

[agnf666]

Originally posted by Ryan Raze

Well, i couldn't "surprise her at work and catch her". She's a bartender so if she does it, she'll slip into the bathroom for a minute and then come back.

 

Well that sucks!!! I do understand that with her being a bartender she has to be really nice to the customers so maybe that might not be a good idea!

 

I think i have caught her high off it before, but she writes it off as either A) i'm just coming down off a busy night (which i understand to a point) and B) she drank red bull and has a lot of energy from that

 

Your not total sure she is drink Red Bull!! Since Red Bull can makeher the same way as coke does then she could be lieing to you. In your case I hope the hell not.

 

Well, i'm afraid to say but her friend may get to her first. I can't let her know that her friend told me of her suspicions, because well...i think that might just get ugly.

Well... Who ever talks to her needs to do it really soon before she gets way to into the stuff!

 

I want to say somethign to her tonight, but i know she had a very long stressful day. Maybe i should take a shower with her when she gets home and then talk about it ?.

 

If she isn't high then it might be a good time. Make sure you do this before you have sex or some a bowl. If you don;t have the talk befor ethat she won;t listen to anything and become really defensive! Why don't you tell her that you decided not to smoke so much pot anymore. So, then she knows that you are being completely serious!

 

Keep me posted on what happens!!!

[Ryan Raze]

I will and i greatly appreciate your advice and support on this matter. Unfortunetly, you wont be able to hear from me until Sunday or Monday night. I have an 4-12 Network Supervisor job so i get to be internet guy all night.

 

I talked to her a bit ago and she said she wants us to have a few drinks and relax under the stars tonight.

 

So...i'm gonna not say anything tonight and just have a good night with her.

 

i've decided to let her friend say something to her first, since her friend witnessed her craziness first hand Thursday night. After that, i'll talk to her friend and see what she had to say. Then i'll talk to her if it still seems bad.

 

Are you agreeing that enough Red Bull and/or Red Bull+Vodka makes you act like you're own coke?

I just am afraid i'm jumping the gun, but there are so many symptoms...

 

Ryan

[agnf666]

Well... Honestly I have never had red bull before so I can't tell you what ti makes you do. Maybe you should drink the red bull w/ vodka and see what effect it has for you. You should know if it has the same effect that coke does. Is she bringing home all the money that she makes in the night or is some of it always missing?

 

Having her friend talk to her may work but hopefully she does get pissed at her friend and hate her for thinking about that.

 

Good Luck...

[scarlyjones]

Look,....the bottom line here is that things have happened to make you WONDER. Trust your instincts. THey are usually right. If enough evidence has made you turn to this forum,...and if enough things have been happening to make you think that its a possibility,....then how can you say that your not sure about the intervention. Its pretty hard to have that intervention if shes in jail for running down some 8 year old in her car or if shes dead of a drug overdose. My point is that you have your suspicions, and you care about her,....those TWO things are enough for anyone to ask questions. The problem that most people run into is ,..they waited UNTIL the sh*t got bad. Until she starts losing weight,...losing her job,....turning tricks,....whatever. Just dont WAIT until its too late. Subtle warning signs is always the best time to act. Dont wait until the warning signs are the painfully obvious ones. Because by that time,......a recovery is triple the distance away. Yes,...my friend..she WILL get mad,.....she will BLAME YOU,....she will tell you there isnt any problem,....she will scream that you are interfering in her life,...ruining her life,....thats what addicts do. But then soon,...she will be thanking you. You say that you want her in your life still. But do you like this? If shes a drug addict,....and you dont want to help her,....then why would you want an active drug addict in your life????? And yes,....you dont get help quitting coke,....and then continue to drink and smoke weed. Its not called quitting drinking or quitting coke or quitting heroin. Its called gettig SOBER. Sober means no drugs. Of any kind. Ever again. Weed is a drug. You know it is. Dont say you dont view it as a drug. Does it change your mood? It does. WHy else would you smoke it? Its a mind altering substance. Now,..I do believe that its soooo not as bad as most drugs. But someone who is trying to get sober cannot smoke weed. Its just doesnt work. ONe of the biggest parts of getting sober is changing your lifestyle. Not being around the PARTY atmosphere. A crowd that smokes weed is more likely to be IN the surroundings of booze and other drugs. Thats just plain and simple.

[Butterfly28]

All I can say is, I've had my share of partying in my early 20's. I'm 28 now, and I walked the path again after 1 year of quitting smoking weed, and what not. I was at a party last weekend, and I did coke for the first time, and I had a seizure the next day. I did my share, and I paid for it by making a foolish mistake.

 

No one is perfect. You have to recognize the symptoms/actions of someone you love who may be doing these things, and really put your foot down if you love her and want her to stop. If she doesn't stop, you can't force her. She may not want it bad enough. That's the unfortunate outcome of someone who does those things. It's a 50-50 chance you take.