how do you trust again

[confusedmandi]

I've been dating this guy for almost a year. I was divorced almost two years ago. My exH cheated on me ( we have kids together) and when I found out I left him. I'm a no questions asked kind of gal. you cheat on me we are done! Its not that difficult to not sleep with someone else. Before I was married I had a few serious boyfriends. two of them cheated on me (one multiple times and the relationship that taught me to NEVER give 2nd chances because people don't change and will do it again as soon as they think they can get away with it) the one who didn't technically cheat on me picked a huge fight accused me of cheating on him and left me. (I didn't cheat at all) He called me two days later and told me he was seeing his ex girlfriend again and not to contact him ever again. After getting divorced I have dated a few men casually (all older than me) and one that I thought was serious it ended up that he was using me to cheat on his long distance girlfriend that I had no clue about. And he had NO remorse.

 

So basically every relationship I've been in involved men cheating. My current boyfriend left his ex wife because she cheated and got pregnant with the other man's child. He also had another ex cheat on him. Yet he NEVER accuses me of anything or doesn't trust me. his ex girlfriend before me (they only dated a few months) told me that she left him because she found out he was sending sexual messages to girls online. Now we are in our 30s. Both have good jobs, have our own homes, both have kids. There is NO reason he should feel the need to stray. We have amazing sex (he says so), we have fun together, we like eachother's children and get along with eachother's friends. We don't argue very often. but I have the most difficult time trusting him. Its not anything he did (other than his ex telling me the reason for their breakup though he disputes her reason) its just because of my past. I simply do not believe that people can be faithful anymore. I used to give someone 100% trust until they broke it. I used to feel comfortable with my partners even the most recent guy before my bf who ended up having a girlfriend in another state, I never suspected him of anything. he seemed really happy with me.

 

I have never felt the urge to invade anyone's privacy, go thru anyone's phone etc. My boyfriend doesn't hide his phone, doesn't lock it. I went thru it once when he forgot it in my car. I didn't go thru his email or pictures or even his phone calls. I looked at his facebook messages and found a suspiciously flirty message to a girl who he went to high school with this message was sent on a day we had a fight and he was drinking with his friends. I have also seen a text message he sent to a girl he was trying to date before he met me (they aren't friends except on facebook) he just texted her and asked her what was up. I asked him about this text when I saw it (he was sitting by me texting his guy friend and I saw the text on his phone) and he said she's a family friend but later I found out she was a girl he was trying to date before he met me.

 

I can go weeks even months at a time without getting jealous, without worrying but every once in awhile, usually after I am very happy and feel so in love with my boyfriend or after he does something really sweet, whenever I feel really close to him, the next few days something triggers me and I get so much anxiety, I start questioning him, I get upset and just want to break up with him so I don't have to deal with the stress. I push him away, I ask him who he's talking to, tell him I won't put up with cheating, tell him I feel like he's losing interest in me. I know this is VERY unattractive and probably annoying and he always says he's not doing anything that he doesn't talk to anyone else etc. Sometimes he gets mad, says I don't realize what a good thing I have and that he hates being accused of things he doesn't do. Now I've never actually thought he's sleeping with anyone else but I'm just afraid he's shopping for my replacement.

 

I've tried telling myself that if it happens, it happens, I lived thru it how many times, I will be ok again. And that there is nothing I can do if he wants to cheat on me he will do it. I don't do anything crazy like trying to spend all his free time with him or monitoring his calls but for example I've had SO much anxiety the last few days because I saw he searched a girl on facebook. Now I look up guys profiles every once in awhile because I know they post funny things or I just wonder what someone has been up to. I never look up someone because I want to talk to them or want to date them. I don't even talk to guys on facebook. I even have two exes on my friends list. I totally believe men and women can be just platonic friends and have a close male friend (who wanted to cheat on his fiancé with me!) So I know it could be totally innocent that he looked up this girl. I don't even care if he looked her up to snag some of her pics to enjoy himself while looking at them. I don't care about porn either. But this is the same chick that I saw the text on his phone to months ago. And the one he was trying to date before he met me. So it makes me worry that he's trying to connect with her again. So strike one. I talked to him about it, he tells me everything is fine, that he's not talking to anyone. He was extra sweet this morning, texting me to tell me he misses me. We text at lunch time as well. I noticed he wasn't responding to my texts at lunch and saw that he was on facebook. Either looking at news feed or instant messaging I have no idea which. But my guard went up. I texted him I love you as we normally do at lunch and got no response, he was still on facebook. THen instead of an I love you too text he sent how's work. Alarm bells go off in my head that something is wrong. That is a typical day when I'm having anxiety over the fear of being cheated on. Every other day is normal, those things don't bother me. I would probably just dismiss it as he didn't see the text, he was talking to his buddies at work etc. But when I'm in fear mode I pick up on everything as something bad is going on.

 

I know that 80% of these fears are caused by my past. Because I have given so many blind trust and was devastated. And I'm terrified to get hurt again. My boyfriend treats me well, he seems to appreciate me and I really do believe he loves me. I don't want to keep pushing him away over this but I don't know how to let go and be ok. How do you ever trust again after repeatedly being hurt? In a way I'm punishing him for the past and he's not responsible for any of it! How do I let go of this anxiety and completely trust my partner?

[smackie9]

You can't do this on your own....you need to seek out therapy to deal with these issues.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Pretty sure I just recently chased away a woman who absolutely adored me because of this very issue and I feel like total **** about it, but she deserves so much better than me.

[mikeylo]

If you are getting vibes that this guy is not that trustworthy, leave. After being cheated on, you are going to be very sensitive for a long time, even after therapy. Many guys are sensitive to this while some will use it against you to get away with their shady behavior.