IF they're going to leave........

[MrsBilliethekid]

Without going into the rights or wrongs of it...........if the WS genuinely falls in love with the AP and decides to leave the marriage, is there an average timeframe? I've heard that if they haven't left by 6 months, they ain't leaving......

[cocorico]

Without going into the rights or wrongs of it...........if the WS genuinely falls in love with the AP and decides to leave the marriage, is there an average timeframe? I've heard that if they haven't left by 6 months, they ain't leaving......

 

That's a myth. My fMM (now H) left his xBW just over three years into our R. I found an ancient thread on here comparing notes among OWs whose MMs had left the BW and it was typically around 3 years.

 

The 6 month thing is, I suspect, for "exit affairs". Those are where the MM is desperate to leave the M even before the A, and just uses the A as a means to escape the M. Those As are typically brief - less than 6 months - and the MM leaves the M. But those seldom turn into LTR for MM and OW, as the A (and the OW) is just a means to escape the M for the MM, and once he's out, he's seldom in a hurry to step back into another M.

 

As where the MM falls in love with the OW take a different route. Unless the MM had already checked out of the M, he is typically conflicted, still may have some residual affection or even love for the BS, and usually does not want to leave the kids, split up the family, etc. In addition, he needs time to get to know the OW properly, to be sure she is the "woman for him", and to be sure he really wants to leave the M. That all takes time.

[Ms. Faust]

I don't know what the average is, or if there even is one, but I would not give it anymore than a year, and that is being generous. My ex left within 6 months and we were married for almost 10 years.

Edited April 14, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[cocorico]

I would not give it anymore than a year, and that is being generous.

 

The question of "how long to give it" is a separate one, IMO. To me, "how long to give it" = how long you are happy with the R as it is (rather than as it might be). If you are simply treading water, waiting for him / her to leave, it's already too long. If you're waking up every day happy to be in the R as it is, even if it were never going to change, then stay in it until that feeling changes (or the R changes). Don't ever wait in a R you're not completely happy with, hoping it will change. If you've tried, and it hasn't changed to your liking, then leave. You have only one life. Wasting it waiting for something, or someone to change, is a sure recipe for regret.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Without going into the rights or wrongs of it...........if the WS genuinely falls in love with the AP and decides to leave the marriage, is there an average timeframe? I've heard that if they haven't left by 6 months, they ain't leaving......

 

 

Regardless of individual stories the vast majority of men do not end up with the OW.

 

Hard to judge "genuine" intent of someone who is already in a committed relationship......as they are not living an authentic life.

[WasOtherWoman]

As I said on the other thread, i think the timeframe is however long it takes to tie up loose ends.

 

I think there are two components to this leaving thing....

 

1) when they tell you that they are GOING to leave

2) when they actually leave

 

Because, when the tell you they are going to leave, then you would want to know, ok, great... what needs to occur to make that happen. Then you have your timetable.

[minimariah]

...if the WS genuinely falls in love with the AP and decides to leave the marriage, is there an average timeframe?

 

i really don't think so. i've met folks who left after literally one week & those who left after two decades. it really depends on the situation. i've also met a lot of MMs who, for example, were dumped by their AP after some years of the affair - spent some more years being married and in NC with their AP, finally decided to divorce and reached out to the AP with divorce papers. in one situation like that, that i'm personally familiar with, the A was 2 years long and it took him 4 years after that to divorce. a year after that, the AP finally gave in and restarted the relationship.

 

people need to come up with a strong leaving tactic first and some genuinely cannot leave their marriages for this or that reason. depends on the emotional attachment one has to their spouse + financial stability and the kids, their ages and stuff like that.

 

it's really individual.

 

if you're the OW, try to come up with some timeframe that works for YOU. like, how long are you willing to wait? rather than how long it takes him to leave.

Edited April 15, 2016 by minimariah

[Anna-Belle]

My fMM left after 7 years.

[RedPurpleOrange]

Nine months for mine. However, she flaked on me after six months or so and went back.

[Girlfromcali]

Nine months for mine. However, she flaked on me after six months or so and went back.

 

So the grass wasn't greener on the other side?

 

What a surprise.

[RedPurpleOrange]

Yup. It's funny, I'm very green again right now. ;)

 

 

Call me Mr Astroturf.

[goodyblue]

I don't think it matters. My relationship was an affair for less than a year. We have been m for some years now and are happy.

[elaine567]

If they love you and only you, then most normal people do not want to be with anyone else.

Trouble with MM is that they often want to be in two places at once, they "love" both women, or they "love" having two women in tow, or they have complicated domestic arrangements ie kids/businesses/homes/communities that they do not want to leave.

 

There is also a status involved with being a married man, that is not often associated with being shacked up with the OW, or being seen as a divorcee.

Friends, work, place in the community, being seen as a "good" father, husband and provider, can mean a lot more to some men than any "love".

Some men just do not want to give all that up, for anyone.

Given the stark choice, many men then choose to stay married.

[Ophelia25]

If they love you and only you, then most normal people do not want to be with anyone else.

Trouble with MM is that they often want to be in two places at once, they "love" both women, or they "love" having two women in tow, or they have complicated domestic arrangements ie kids/businesses/homes/communities that they do not want to leave.

 

There is also a status involved with being a married man, that is not often associated with being shacked up with the OW, or being seen as a divorcee.

Friends, work, place in the community, being seen as a "good" father, husband and provider, can mean a lot more to some men than any "love".

Some men just do not want to give all that up, for anyone.

Given the stark choice, many men then choose to stay married.

 

All of this is right. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, really. There are just too many reasons to stay, and as great as I might be (ha), as much as he might want me, not only would he have to conquer all my hesitations and fears about whether or not he means it, but leaving would result in years of difficulty and trauma for so many people. Although I think he's ultimately selfish, knowing that a deliberate move toward me and away from his family would make HIM uncomfortable, and ostracized, and friendless, and his kids mad at him, and a huge hit in the wallet, and a whole pile of discomfort, just makes it not appealing enough. And, I understand that. While I don't like that people choose to stay together when they love other people, I also think that more often than not, the greater good trumps the love and desire and they don't go. And I think it's both possible and likely to love more than one person, and choose based on what's easier rather than the intensity of emotion.

 

As far as timing, my AP did seem ready to leave after about two years of the EA. I was not ready, and I'm not sure if he would have actually done it or not, though he talked like he would. My hesitation I suppose helped to change his mind, and after another couple of years, he became mostly resolved to stay, but still never has been able to end things with me effectively. While there's a chance that as his older teenagers fly the nest, he will reconsider, I doubt I'll ever be interested again because of all these years of turmoil. Choosing to go be with someone who has caused such pain for such a long time seems like a bad move. And yes, the romantic lovesick girl in me still longs for it, and I honestly think we would be happier than most (interesting statistics I read, even though marriages from affairs have an astronomical fail rate, reunited teenage/college lovers have a drastically higher success rate). But - I don't think he would ever leave by choice, and I don't particularly want to interfere in his life so dramatically that he is forced out. I definitely don't think that's the key to success.

 

I don't agree with the 6 month thing, but I do think that if a significant amount of time goes by and he hasn't made any real effort to make a change, he's quite comfortable just cake eating and tossing a crumb or two for as long as he can sustain it.

Edited April 18, 2016 by Ophelia25

[heartwhole]

Beware of the "sunk cost fallacy." You may give him another month and another month and another month because after all, you've invested all this time and energy in him, and maybe if you wait just one more month, it'll finally pay off . . .

[daisygirl19]

Mine left two years after the affair started. Took four years total for his divorce to be final and for us to be completely out in the open and public with our relationship.

 

Every situation is different. At the end of the day, you need to do what's best for you.

[Arieswoman]

MrsBtheKid,

 

I can only say what I know from my own experience of talking to women who husbands left them for the OW. And I mean actually left of their own volition, not waited until DD and got asked to leave.

 

In the 4 cases I know about they all left within 3 months of meeting the OW.

 

One went back after another 3 months, 2 others married their AP, one couple are still together but not married.

[waterwoman]

I know of two. In both cases it was quite quick - within 6 months. But in both cases the MM's marriage was pretty much done with already. I guess if a marriage is still more or less OK it would take longer to decide to leave. But who knows.... who writes the rules for these things?

[elaine567]

"Left of their own volition" is a good distinction to make here.

Being chucked out with nowhere else to go, or being left with no other option due to d-day, or trundling along for years then finally making "It's now or never" or "I suppose you'll have to do" or "She doesn't want me and you love me" sort of decision, is not quite the same as leaving decisively due to "love".

[Girlfromcali]

All of this is right. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, really. There are just too many reasons to stay, and as great as I might be (ha), as much as he might want me, not only would he have to conquer all my hesitations and fears about whether or not he means it, but leaving would result in years of difficulty and trauma for so many people. Although I think he's ultimately selfish, knowing that a deliberate move toward me and away from his family would make HIM uncomfortable, and ostracized, and friendless, and his kids mad at him, and a huge hit in the wallet, and a whole pile of discomfort, just makes it not appealing enough. And, I understand that. While I don't like that people choose to stay together when they love other people, I also think that more often than not, the greater good trumps the love and desire and they don't go. And I think it's both possible and likely to love more than one person, and choose based on what's easier rather than the intensity of emotion.

 

As far as timing, my AP did seem ready to leave after about two years of the EA. I was not ready, and I'm not sure if he would have actually done it or not, though he talked like he would. My hesitation I suppose helped to change his mind, and after another couple of years, he became mostly resolved to stay, but still never has been able to end things with me effectively. While there's a chance that as his older teenagers fly the nest, he will reconsider, I doubt I'll ever be interested again because of all these years of turmoil. Choosing to go be with someone who has caused such pain for such a long time seems like a bad move. And yes, the romantic lovesick girl in me still longs for it, and I honestly think we would be happier than most (interesting statistics I read, even though marriages from affairs have an astronomical fail rate, reunited teenage/college lovers have a drastically higher success rate). But - I don't think he would ever leave by choice, and I don't particularly want to interfere in his life so dramatically that he is forced out. I definitely don't think that's the key to success.

 

I don't agree with the 6 month thing, but I do think that if a significant amount of time goes by and he hasn't made any real effort to make a change, he's quite comfortable just cake eating and tossing a crumb or two for as long as he can sustain it.

 

I see this opinion here a lot, that it's selfish for AP to stay but why would it be selfish to stay with his family? It seems very reasonable to worry about all those things.

 

Moreover, if he were to leave his family and his whole life for a new woman, he might start resenting the new spouse and subconsciously blame her that she made him leave his family. I wouldn't want to be in the receiving end of that resentment.

 

OW is as selfish as the man, she's trying to steal another man's husband.

[Got it]

I recommend having a timeline that works for you and hold to that. I left my marriage in a few weeks, he left a year and some change. It really depends on the details involved and even then it's like jumping off a cliff, the leap is pretty darn scary.

 

I had a timeline I would give him and then that was all for me. I determined how long I was comfortable in having our arrangement and when it would no longer work for me.

 

We are married now and had our first child.

[MrsBilliethekid]

I recommend having a timeline that works for you and hold to that. I left my marriage in a few weeks, he left a year and some change. It really depends on the details involved and even then it's like jumping off a cliff, the leap is pretty darn scary.

 

I had a timeline I would give him and then that was all for me. I determined how long I was comfortable in having our arrangement and when it would no longer work for me.

 

We are married now and had our first child.

 

Did you tell him your deadline?

[WasOtherWoman]

I recommend having a timeline that works for you and hold to that. I left my marriage in a few weeks, he left a year and some change. It really depends on the details involved and even then it's like jumping off a cliff, the leap is pretty darn scary.

 

I had a timeline I would give him and then that was all for me. I determined how long I was comfortable in having our arrangement and when it would no longer work for me.

 

We are married now and had our first child.

 

Congrats!!

[WasOtherWoman]

Did you tell him your deadline?

 

I did not give him a timeline, i asked him for his. Then i sat back and watched his actions.

[Ophelia25]

I see this opinion here a lot, that it's selfish for AP to stay but why would it be selfish to stay with his family? It seems very reasonable to worry about all those things.

 

Moreover, if he were to leave his family and his whole life for a new woman, he might start resenting the new spouse and subconsciously blame her that she made him leave his family. I wouldn't want to be in the receiving end of that resentment.

 

OW is as selfish as the man, she's trying to steal another man's husband.

 

So sorry, maybe I was not clear. I don't think it's at all selfish for him to stay. I think it's probably the best thing for everyone, and perhaps the least selfish of the options. I think it's selfish for him to want to stay AND keep me and that his decision to stay is made not out of concern and love for his family as much as his own selfish "it would make me look bad if I did this and it would be difficult for me financially and my kids would hate me" ideas. Wanting to stay because he loves them and wants to do what's right would be a totally different thing. But it's like he would rather keep me and his wife miserable and keep things as they are than make a decision either way. I think that's what's selfish.

 

it would have been easier if he had never talked about leaving and how much he wanted to and how much sense it made, as I am now left wondering what made him feel that way and what made him change his mind. Maybe he "saw the error of his ways," but if that was really the case, wouldn't he have ended things between us?