IF they're going to leave........

[ShatteredLady]

As a bs I think it's cruel to stay if his heart isn't here anymore. All I want is honesty. I don't want a man who's just dragging me & our kids along, resenting us for keeping him away from what he wants. That's evil!

 

MM seem to talk about money, responsibilities, kids etc too OW. How can someone not consider the wife who has spent her entire life (in many cases) making all of her life choices for him & her family? Doesn't SHE deserve happiness? Something more than the lies & utter contempt?

 

I was a person! A happy, vibrant human being with dreams & desires just like all of you. I'm not an old ball & chain. I'm not an old hag dedicating my life to making him miserable. I'm a woman.

 

The couple of people I knew who divorced in my life growing-up left for the other person REALLY fast. Less than a month in both cases. One was because his wife found out & threw him out though.

[ChickiePops]

So sorry, maybe I was not clear. I don't think it's at all selfish for him to stay. I think it's probably the best thing for everyone, and perhaps the least selfish of the options. I think it's selfish for him to want to stay AND keep me and that his decision to stay is made not out of concern and love for his family as much as his own selfish "it would make me look bad if I did this and it would be difficult for me financially and my kids would hate me" ideas. Wanting to stay because he loves them and wants to do what's right would be a totally different thing. But it's like he would rather keep me and his wife miserable and keep things as they are than make a decision either way. I think that's what's selfish.

 

it would have been easier if he had never talked about leaving and how much he wanted to and how much sense it made, as I am now left wondering what made him feel that way and what made him change his mind. Maybe he "saw the error of his ways," but if that was really the case, wouldn't he have ended things between us?

 

You definitely cannot know that his decision to stay is not out of love or concern for his family. You only know what he's telling you, which may or may not be the truth. Remember, this person is a known liar.

 

BS are often criticized for burying their heads in the sand (and sometimes they do, but sometimes they genuinely don't know anything) but OW do this just as much. He's a liar and a cheater..he lies to and cheats on his wife and his children, his own flesh and blood..not to mention the fact that he has already lied to you about leaving his wife..I would put money on this being fake. He never planned on leaving her.

 

So what on earth would make you think that you are immune to his lies and the pain that he's willing to cause people that he supposedly loves to fulfill his own selfish desires? You can never ever know what is a lie and what is the truth with him.

 

Trust is a privilege..what has he done to earn yours?

[Girlfromcali]

So sorry, maybe I was not clear. I don't think it's at all selfish for him to stay. I think it's probably the best thing for everyone, and perhaps the least selfish of the options. I think it's selfish for him to want to stay AND keep me and that his decision to stay is made not out of concern and love for his family as much as his own selfish "it would make me look bad if I did this and it would be difficult for me financially and my kids would hate me" ideas. Wanting to stay because he loves them and wants to do what's right would be a totally different thing. But it's like he would rather keep me and his wife miserable and keep things as they are than make a decision either way. I think that's what's selfish.

 

it would have been easier if he had never talked about leaving and how much he wanted to and how much sense it made, as I am now left wondering what made him feel that way and what made him change his mind. Maybe he "saw the error of his ways," but if that was really the case, wouldn't he have ended things between us?

 

I understand you and I am in the same situation myself in that my AP also wants to keep his family and me both. He has never said he would leave his wife, though, nor would I even let anyone to do that for my sake.

 

My comment was meant more as a general statement for what I see here a lot. I think in order to heal, we have to take a look at ourselves. It's more productive to think how WE ourselves can improve than to put all our energy in trying to figure out what HE thinks or wants.

[goodyblue]

I recommend having a timeline that works for you and hold to that. I left my marriage in a few weeks, he left a year and some change. It really depends on the details involved and even then it's like jumping off a cliff, the leap is pretty darn scary.

 

I had a timeline I would give him and then that was all for me. I determined how long I was comfortable in having our arrangement and when it would no longer work for me.

 

We are married now and had our first child.

 

You and I have talked about this before but I did pretty much what you did. We agreed on a timeline together, him knowing that if he had not left by then I would walk.

 

I also watched for him to make strides in the direction we had agreed.

 

We are good together and a much better match than he and his ex ever were. Together we have seven children, three of them grown. We raise my youngest four together.???

[Ophelia25]

You and I have talked about this before but I did pretty much what you did. We agreed on a timeline together, him knowing that if he had not left by then I would walk.

 

I also watched for him to make strides in the direction we had agreed.

 

We are good together and a much better match than he and his ex ever were. Together we have seven children, three of them grown. We raise my youngest four together.???

 

It is things like this that seem to fly in the face of what the majority of the posts here say. And it both inspires and troubles me. I know that he and I would be better together than he and his wife. Ok, one cannot know anything absolutely, but I have known him for 25 years, and I knew him as we tumbled through some pretty crucial life episodes. And we have really had some pretty intense moments together as merely good friends. Do I know him better? Not likely. More intimately? Not really. Can I tell our personalities go well together? Yes. That we are a better match? Yep. But do I want to pursue a life with someone who cheats? Well, I'm one of those people,too. No better than he.

 

So, on the one hand all the things in this thread are true. If he hasn't left, for whatever reasons, he likely won't. Do I even want him to? He and I now have a relationship based upon dishonesty, even if it didn't begin that way. Oddly, I do trust him.l, at least what he says. I don't trust him not to break me a hundred more times. I think he is a horrible selfish cheater person, but I also believe the things he tells me, perhaps because more often than not, they are candid. And because I know him. He withholds things from me, absolutely. But he also has always been up front with me when it mattered, at least until he got so "confused" he couldn't explain things anymore. Maybe I can't believe anything he says, but he also has stopped really saying any of the things that I might not believe.like he doesn't even try to string me along anymore because he knows I'm there regardless, idiot that I am.

 

It doesn't really matter a bit that I think we are better together, though, because we are NOT together. And are not likely to be. And while maybe I can't trust him, I know that he can trust me. I'm a ridiculously honest cheater. But it doesn't make things any easier. There are those who actually chucked it all and made it work. After a few months or a few years. It's hard to let go of that maybe happening, even though it's such a rarity. Affairs are such a crazy mix of harsh reality and romantic fantasy. No wonder we are all half crazy.

[Poppy47]

I never wanted him to leave. I could see it wouldn't work for either one of us.

 

I am happy living alone and running my own race.

 

Poppy.

[ChickiePops]

I'll ask again.

 

What has he done to earn your trust? Your loyalty? Your undying, unwavering love? Your forgiveness?

 

You are his dirty little secret, not the love of his life. If it came down to it, he would drop you and throw your broken body under a speeding bus in a second. What has this man done to deserve your attention? And why is this lying, cheating mess of a person worth compromising your own sanity and morality for?

[Ophelia25]

I'll ask again.

 

What has he done to earn your trust? Your loyalty? Your undying, unwavering love? Your forgiveness?

 

You are his dirty little secret, not the love of his life. If it came down to it, he would drop you and throw your broken body under a speeding bus in a second. What has this man done to deserve your attention? And why is this lying, cheating mess of a person worth compromising your own sanity and morality for?

 

Nothing. I hate that, because I'm a notorious Pollyanna trying to find the good in people type.

 

But you are right, and I'm working to come to terms with it. I fell stupidly head over heels in love with what most people who knew me said was the wrong guy in 1991. And something in my messed up little brain has refused to let that go since. I'm trying to work through it, and slowly getting better at admitting what things really are. But I fight with myself constantly because I hate believing that all of it is a lie. I keep looking for reasons other than my stupidity to explain where I am now. Not that there is justification, I'm just trying to understand what seems to go far beyond naïveté on my end. If he is really that terrible, what the heck is wrong with me?

[Lady Hamilton]

Without going into the rights or wrongs of it...........if the WS genuinely falls in love with the AP and decides to leave the marriage, is there an average timeframe? I've heard that if they haven't left by 6 months, they ain't leaving......

 

I don't think there's an average persay. In my case, it started with neither of us would leave. Then after a few weeks we talked about just waiting until the kids were out of the house and then he'd leave and I would leave in a few months because it wasn't working. Then that changed to him leaving by the end of the year and I had already left. Then he wanted to leave ASAP, and did. Then he went back to her. Then he left again. Then he went back. Then he left again for good.

 

All told, that all took about, oh... 14ish months? The affair started (the physical affair) in an April, he left in July. He went back in August, left again in October. In December he went back, but by February of the following year he'd left again. The following September he went back, but left again in October later and stayed gone. During that whole period, however, save for about a week after he went back each time, the PA was still going on. So his leaving was only technical, more a change of address than a change in relationship status. Each time, the change was inspired by some trigger and not a desire to make it work with his wife. A holiday, a birthday of the kids, some sort of incident with her.

 

Ultimately, each time he left was because he wanted to, each time he went back was because he felt he had to. If he had chosen to stay there but continue the affair with me until forever, his wife would have accepted it if it meant his not leaving.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Lady Hamilton