Here I am again

[Ronnie33]

I haven't posted in here in a year. My story is on here from two years before.

 

Anyway last I had posted I had ended it for good. We met and said our final goodbyes after a two year affair because he was getting engaged and I couldn't stay around to watch. We didn't speak for 3 months. Then like an idiot I friended requested him on fb and within less then a day it was back on. I honestly thought we could be friends and that his engagement and the time away would have changed us but it seemed the time had only made it stronger. Anyway now it's been back on for a year. He is getting married in 5 months and my marriage is over. My lowest point was going to there home when she was away last month and sleeping with him for the first time. For two years we did everything imaginable but never had actual sex. When I left the next day and got home I felt horrible, I layed in bed and cried all day. Called my two best friend and cried to them too. Who the hell was I and what have I become. The next day I told him we couldn't do it again because I couldn't look at myself. The next two weeks I barely spoke to him because I hated myself. He started texting like crazy and asking to see me. She's going away again next week and he wants to spend the weekend with me. I told him I can't that the guilt was too much. Why do I keep letting this man control my thoughts and why can't I stay away from him. He loves this girl but can't stay away from me either, we physically crave eachother like a drug. We both want to stop but it's almost like we can't.

 

We talk everyday all day for three years, except when i have ended it. He was my best friend before this started but now it's turned into some insatiable need for the both of us. We always say that we are the same person just in a male and female form. For me the hardest part is losing all of him when it ends because I feel like I will never meet anyone else like him. We get each others sense of humor perfect, sexually we are the same, grew up in the same place. . When we met I was married and when I finally left he was getting engaged and loved her. Despite all that here we still are like two drug addicts always looking for our next hit.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I am so strong everywhere else but with him. He's like my kryptonite.

 

I just needed to get that out because for months I have been on here but too ashamed to come back. I guess this is my low point and I realize I need this place again for stregnth. If you read this thanks and if you remember me feel to chime in.

Edited April 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~T

[whichwayisup]

You two are NOT and never were 'best friends'. If you truly were NONE of this would have ever happened. In fact you two aren't even 'friends' as this is just one toxic messed up situation, you're addicted to each other. You've become someone you don't recognize, you cried for 2 days in bed and stayed in their marital house, in their bed - you say you feel bad yet it seems you're leaning to go to his place again when his fiancee is out of town once more.

 

You can end it and walk away at any time. The pain will be bad but it won't kill you.

 

Also, this has nothing to do with timing, if you two (especially him) were meant to be he wouldn't be engaged, let alone getting married to someone else, he'd end it and be with you, probably married to you... That's not happening. You're his escape and his fantasy, he's your drug.

 

This isn't love. It's addiction. There's no genuine respect and care here, it's selfish and self serving on behalf of his future wife and your husband. you say your marriage is over but are you divorced? Did your H find out about this affair?

[Ronnie33]

You are right and I can't argue with anything you said. No, we are not officially divorced yet but we have been separated for a year. He never found out about the affair, I was unhappy for a long time and ended it. You are right he is my drug and I knew everything you are saying is true but I don't know why I can't stay away and why he can't either.

[Ms. Faust]

Why won't he just break it off with the fiance and be with you?

[whichwayisup]

You are right and I can't argue with anything you said. No, we are not officially divorced yet but we have been separated for a year. He never found out about the affair, I was unhappy for a long time and ended it. You are right he is my drug and I knew everything you are saying is true but I don't know why I can't stay away and why he can't either.

 

Don't worry about his reasons, worry about yourself.

 

If his fiancee finds out, (why don't you threaten to tell her, see how he reacts or ask him to choose you instead of her. His reaction will be telling.) do you think he'd run to you happily or would he run away from you and beg her for forgiveness and a second chance? Honestly, sit and think about this.

 

Please get counseling and sort yourself out. If you continue doing this with him, it's going to ruin you even more and sadly you'll have nobody to blame but yourself.

[Ronnie33]

Why won't he just break it off with the fiance and be with you?

 

Because he loves her. I know it sounds insane that I say and stay in the affair but he does. We met when I was married, I wasn't ready to leave my husband to be with him and he moved on. Then I finally left my husband for my won reasons and here we are years later in this nightmare.

[Ronnie33]

He's happy and loves her. When this started I was married and not ready to leave my husband. He moved on with her and now here we are in this mess.

[Ms. Faust]

Do him a favor and send her an anonymous letter. Here is how I look at it:

 

They're not going to make it. He is already cheating on her, and she will probably eventually find out after marriage (or before), so he will get caught either with you or someone else. I would just expedite things and cut the ties for them. If he gets mad at you for it, he will eventually forgive you, since you all have such an amazing connection.

 

If they have financial ties I am sure you will be more than willing to help him out because of your amazing connection.

 

I know it sounds snarky, but I am not being snarky. He has no reason to stay with her. And since he agrees with you that you guys are practically soulmates, get the ball rolling for him to get him to leave, since he won't leave himself.

[Ronnie33]

We never said we were soulmates and we never said we love eachother. We were good friends who fell for eachother before she came along.

 

He loves her it's just a messed up situation.

 

Be snarky all you want, doesn't phase me. I've been on this page for two years, I know how it is.

[Ronnie33]

I never cheated before I met him and he was never a cheater either. This isn't the norm for us.

[Ms. Faust]

I am NOT being snarky. I am being dead serious. Sorry you don't like my answer, I feel I am being pretty logical. And although you didn't outright say that he is your soulmate you said:

 

We always say that we are the same person just in a male and female form.

 

Which sounds pretty soul mate-ish.

 

Since he is your best friend, the sex is amazing, you two are the same people, et al, the only thing stopping you from being together is you. He can leave, you can tell her, and since they have no ties you guys can go on with your lives.

[Grey Cloud]

How are you going to feel the day they get married? When they go on their honeymoon? When they start trying for a family? When they have their first child together?

 

This is a long road to misery. He can't even use the excuse that his marriage is over and they no longer have sex. Their marriage and life together is just starting!

 

And if there is a d-day (and I'm sure there will be) he will run back to the safety net of the woman he is making vows with.

 

Does he feel guilt or shame? I'm not sure he does if he invites you to be in the same bed!

 

I think you know the answer that this is going nowhere and going to cause you more heartache. You are going to have to be the strong one here and walk away. It's going to be hard and horrible but the misery you will endure staying in this A will be far worse. Your sanity will be shot to pieces.

[Ronnie33]

I already said he loves her and he's not leaving her. I was never sitting here waiting for him. I'm in love with him and trying to figure out how to stay away from him because this is killing me. That's all.

[privategal]

What if you said "DONT marry her, now is our REAL chance" and gauged his reply?

Maybe his answer will help you see more clearly out of the fog.

Because...if its not love for you...then you can find sex anywhere you know?

[Ronnie33]

How are you going to feel the day they get married? When they go on their honeymoon? When they start trying for a family? When they have their first child together?

 

This is a long road to misery. He can't even use the excuse that his marriage is over and they no longer have sex. Their marriage and life together is just starting!

 

And if there is a d-day (and I'm sure there will be) he will run back to the safety net of the woman he is making vows with.

 

Does he feel guilt or shame? I'm not sure he does if he invites you to be in the same bed!

 

I think you know the answer that this is going nowhere and going to cause you more heartache. You are going to have to be the strong one here and walk away. It's going to be hard and horrible but the misery you will endure staying in this A will be far worse. Your sanity will be shot to pieces.

 

Your posts hit everything I was thinking head on. I don't want to be apart of any of that because I know it will break me. That's why I left when he was getting engaged but here we are again. I want to find happiness too but I keepngettignsucked back in because I love him and in my head he's perfect lol, it sounds so ridiculous.

 

He said he felt guilt after I said I did but Itndidnt last because he wants me to go there again and spend time the weekend with him. I want out, I really do. I don't want to watch his life go on while mine is on standstill.

[Ronnie33]

What if you said "DONT marry her, now is our REAL chance" and gauged his reply?

Maybe his answer will help you see more clearly out of the fog.

Because...if its not love for you...then you can find sex anywhere you know?

 

I love him and I know he loves me but not enough to leave his life. Wendidnt have sex for three years, it's way more then that.

[Ms. Faust]

I already said he loves her and he's not leaving her. I was never sitting here waiting for him. I'm in love with him and trying to figure out how to stay away from him because this is killing me. That's all.

 

Well doesn't he love you back??

Because you talk as if he does if you are accurately telling us what he is saying to you.

He has no ties to this woman. None, whatsoever other than intangible emotions (which are questionable), if anything he has sure made it seem like he loves you... are you saying he doesn't love you more than he loves his fiance? Because this is where I am confused: if he has said your are his BFF, you are the same people, you are simpatico sexually, you all met at the wrong time... well now is a good time! You can be together. He is not married.

 

PrivateGal's suggestion is a good one. Why not you ask him to leave her?

[Ronnie33]

I know he won't leave her. He loves her, he might have loved me first but she's his life now. I have no fantasy of him leaving her for me. Yes we have a great connection just like everyone else feels they have on this forum. That doesn't mean I think we are running away to live happily ever after.

[stilltrying16]

Ronnie, I am sorry this is so hard. Props to you for getting out of it before when he got engaged. You also got out of a marriage that wasn't working. I think you will find the strength again if you keep trying. It looks like you'll have to be the one to end it. He seems like a very weak conflict-avoidant. person.

 

Like others who've posted on this thread, I'm wondering why he's staying engaged...even if he loves her, as you say, I think he doesn't love her enough. Is it a money or status thing for him? Is she rich? This marriage will have a snowball's chance in hell, and it'll be such a shame if they end up having kids and then break up.

 

 

If you want to stop seeing him, telling his fiancee will force a decision one way or the other. It'll probably be incredibly hard to do...but it will make a difference. I wish she does find out. She deserves to know the kind of life she can expect to have with him.

 

Good luck. I hope this ends in the most pain-free way for you and for her.

[Ms. Faust]

The "he loved me first" is totally irrelevant. That being said:

 

I know a lot of OW/M like to say that they do not want their APs to leave their spouses for them. In this situation I think it is absolutely acceptable to ask him to do so. There is nothing stopping you from asking him this. You don't have to be a martyr and step aside so he can pursue his happiness, leaving you to ponder the one that got away. That makes you nothing more than a victim of your own making.

 

Just ask him. Do you love me enough to leave her? Why not? Will you leave her for me? Because I am available now, and I want to be with you!

 

And if he says no you have a choice of staying his mistress or cutting him out of your life. You don't sound like you want to stay an OW. Well, you know how to cut him out of your life. People don't need to spell it out for you. As you said yourself, you have been on these forums for two years, so you know the Block, NC, Keep Busy mantra.

 

You can be in control of this situation. For some reason you choose not to be.

[Sub]

It's hard to buy that he "loves" her when the two of you are having sex in the place he shares with her. What sort of guilt or love can he actually feel towards her if he's consciously bringing the A into their home?

[Grey Cloud]

I know he won't leave her. He loves her, he might have loved me first but she's his life now. I have no fantasy of him leaving her for me. Yes we have a great connection just like everyone else feels they have on this forum. That doesn't mean I think we are running away to live happily ever after.

 

Ok so you are realistic - you know there will be no happily ever after. So the choice is yours. You can sit back and wait for those times you can be together (and feel terrible waiting and feel terrible afterwards) or you can go no contact and feel terrible anyway! But the NC option at least gives you a CHANCE to find happiness in the future. My XMM and I waited almost a year before we had sex. It doesn't mean anything. It just means you fall harder when you finally do.

[stilltrying16]

It's hard to buy that he "loves" her when the two of you are having sex in the place he shares with her. What sort of guilt or love can he actually feel towards her if he's consciously bringing the A into their home?

 

Yup- I was thinking that too. It's so sick if he actually gets off on screwing her over in her own bed.

[ShatteredLady]

Can you imagine finding out that your H cheated on you while you were engaged? That would damage a woman for life!! The pain, humiliation, agony.

 

I don't usually say this.... Tell her!! Give her the chance to know what she's doing BEFORE she gets married!! It's the GOOD thing to do. I know many wouldn't agree but the pain of having a marriage last 1 or 2 years...however long it takes her to learn the truth & then destroy her self-esteem by staying because it's so mortifying to get married & divorced so fast. Ugh!!!

 

You will worry that you're only doing it to split them up. He will be mad at you!

 

If you were her what would you want? She's making one of the biggest decisions of her life based on lies. She will always be 'divorced', '2nd husband' OR even worse she will kill some beautiful, innocent parts of herself & stay married.

 

I would want you to do the right thing by me.

 

People will give you the opposite advise or even accuse me of being manipulative. I hope I am!!! Please, WHAT WOULD YOU WANT? Would you marry a man knowing he was with another woman at what's supposed to be the most romantic time in your life?

 

I'm sorry. I know that you're going through your own pain & confusion. Things get more difficult once kids are involved. Don't let her make one of the the biggest mistakes of her life & marry a cheat. You can save her!

 

This whole story is heartbreaking.

[Ronnie33]

The "he loved me first" is totally irrelevant. That being said:

 

I know a lot of OW/M like to say that they do not want their APs to leave their spouses for them. In this situation I think it is absolutely acceptable to ask him to do so. There is nothing stopping you from asking him this. You don't have to be a martyr and step aside so he can pursue his happiness, leaving you to ponder the one that got away. That makes you nothing more than a victim of your own making.

 

Just ask him. Do you love me enough to leave her? Why not? Will you leave her for me? Because I am available now, and I want to be with you!

 

And if he says no you have a choice of staying his mistress or cutting him out of your life. You don't sound like you want to stay an OW. Well, you know how to cut him out of your life. People don't need to spell it out for you. As you said yourself, you have been on these forums for two years, so you know the Block, NC, Keep Busy mantra.

 

You can be in control of this situation. For some reason you choose not to be.

 

I think I chose not to because for so long he has been my only make happiness. My best friend always say that if someone else came along that I really liked it wouldn't be so hard to say goodbye. He has filled a void for so long.