Here I am again

[ChickiePops]

If you were about to marry a man who you loved, and he had an affair but it was over. Would you really want to know and ruin the whole life you had planned? If it was over and would never happen again?

 

Hell yes I'd want to know!! Then I could decide for myself if I wanted to marry a cheater or not instead of the guy and the OW deciding for me.

[Ronnie33]

No...it wasn't. It never has been.

 

Why did you bother bringing it up if it was never truly an option for you? Were you hoping someone would tell you that he's coming back?

 

Coming back where?? Im the one who ended it again. I don't want him to come back. I don't want the affair. I want to go back three years and take it all back!! But I can't. I'm just so hurt and mad at myself, at him

But I feel bad hurting her. I said I know that sounds crazy, because I've been butshe didn't know, so it wasn't hurting her.

[ChickiePops]

Coming back where?? Im the one who ended it again. I don't want him to come back. I don't want the affair. I want to go back three years and take it all back!! But I can't. I'm just so hurt and mad at myself, at him

But I feel bad hurting her. I said I know that sounds crazy, because I've been butshe didn't know, so it wasn't hurting her.

 

You've already done the bulk of the hurting. Why don't you think she deserves to know who she's planning to marry? Why doesn't she deserve the truth about her fiancé?

 

Why was it ok to hurt her when you weren't sure she'd find out?

[Ronnie33]

You've already done the bulk of the hurting. Why don't you think she deserves to know who she's planning to marry? Why doesn't she deserve the truth about her fiancé?

 

Why was it ok to hurt her when you weren't sure she'd find out?

 

Because in my head what she didn't know couldn't hurt her.

 

I know what you are saying and if it was my friend I would want her to know it's just hard to feel like I'm intentionally destroying someone's life. That's all I'm trying to get across.

[ChickiePops]

Because in my head what she didn't know couldn't hurt her.

 

I know what you are saying and if it was my friend I would want her to know it's just hard to feel like I'm intentionally destroying someone's life. That's all I'm trying to get across.

 

I understand that..but what you'd actually be doing is making it right. You've already done the terrible thing. Now it's time to do the kind thing and tell her the truth about the man she's planning a wedding with.

[whichwayisup]

He knows who my ex husband is and if she finds out and tell my ex it will be out.

 

Sadly, that's just part of the consequence/fallout of choosing to have an affair.

[whichwayisup]

Because in my head what she didn't know couldn't hurt her.

 

I know what you are saying and if it was my friend I would want her to know it's just hard to feel like I'm intentionally destroying someone's life. That's all I'm trying to get across.

 

Then don't tell. Cut him out of your life once and for all, go total NC, block him and make it impossible for him to contact you. Move on with your life and never look back.

 

The decision is yours to tell or not tell.

[Adoraxx]

I would send her an anonymous email and tell her . She is not even married to this man yet so IMO she should definitely hear about it NOW!!!!!

[Miss Clavel]

My lowest point When I left the next day and got home I felt horrible, I layed in bed and cried all day. Called my two best friend and cried to them too. Who the hell was I and what have I become. The next day I told him we couldn't do it again because I couldn't look at myself. The next two weeks I barely

 

..."with friends like that, who needs enemies"?

 

 

 

 

if she finds out after the wedding, the celebration, the photos, the dress and the expense, it's going to be so much worse, so very very public.

 

tell her. however you can.

 

think of it as your karma, your way of trying to right the wrong you've done. you took something that doesn't belong to you and now you're afraid if you put it back they will find out you took it?

 

omg, if i found out there was someone that could have spared me the public humiliation and they didn't? i wouldn't give a thought to hurting myself, i'd drive my car right thru your house. just like you did mine.

[Ronnie33]

..."with friends like that, who needs enemies"?

 

 

 

 

if she finds out after the wedding, the celebration, the photos, the dress and the expense, it's going to be so much worse, so very very public.

 

tell her. however you can.

 

think of it as your karma, your way of trying to right the wrong you've done. you took something that doesn't belong to you and now you're afraid if you put it back they will find out you took it?

 

omg, if i found out there was someone that could have spared me the public humiliation and they didn't? i wouldn't give a thought to hurting myself, i'd drive my car right thru your house. just like you did mine.

 

Actually my friends are amazing and have been my support the H rough this whole mess. Do they agree with it, no. Do they understand and stick by me, of course. That's friendship.

 

Anyway, unless I tell, she would never find out. No one on is s side knows anything. Im certain if they get married this secret would go on forever and that's what again I struggle with. She would never find out, ao what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

[Dancewithme]

 

Anyway, unless I tell, she would never find out. No one on is s side knows anything. Im certain if they get married this secret would go on forever and that's what again I struggle with. She would never find out, ao what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

 

Those are famous last words.

 

I would never say never, like my mom used to say: " What's done in the dark always comes to light".

 

The boards are full of APs who thought their affair would never be exposed.

 

Since you are so concerned with the fiancé knowing her engagement is built on a lie, tell her. Before the considerable expense of a wedding. Before she is publicly humiliated. At least, after you tell her, and she chooses to marry the scumbag, at least it is an informed decision. If it helps to absolve your guilt and concern, so be it. It would have been nice if you had this guilt and concern in the beginning when she came into the picture, and your angst could have been avoided. Oh well, hindsight and all that.

 

Actually, you really don't owe her any kind of confession, that should be at the hands of her $?%* fiancé. So it is commendable that you are considering this.

 

Someone has to do the right thing. Looks like you're the only one willing to do so. So, time to help right your wrong. Good Luck.

[ChickiePops]

Actually my friends are amazing and have been my support the H rough this whole mess. Do they agree with it, no. Do they understand and stick by me, of course. That's friendship.

 

Anyway, unless I tell, she would never find out. No one on is s side knows anything. Im certain if they get married this secret would go on forever and that's what again I struggle with. She would never find out, ao what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

 

She'll find out when he does it again. And by then there might be kids involved.

 

At least be honest with yourself. Your reasons for not telling are not about her, they're about you.

 

Anyway, you're not going to do it, and it is what it is. At least you considered being kind..I suppose that's something.

[Dancewithme]

Too late to edit to add:

 

Is part of your desire to tell based on the hope that she ditches him, and then the two of you can ride off into the sunset? Or a revenge move because he wants to marry her, but keep you in the " dirty little secret" zone?

Edited May 23, 2016 by Dancewithme

[Grapesofwrath]

Tell or don't tell. I don't think that's the important bit. She may or may not believe you. He will likely deny it. The important bit is to end it and walk away. Forever.

 

You mentioned that you are divorcing your husband for your own reasons. Divorcing is painful, and you are feeling vulnerable. So you are regressing into an A to avoid the feelings of loss that come from divorce. In that way, the A really is a drug. It numbs the pain of divorce. Long term, this won't work. You have to feel that pain. It's how you learn not to make the same mistakes again.

 

This is a man who lacks integrity and can't be trusted. Viewing him as the male version of yourself is an insult to you.

 

He says he loves her, but his actions do not demonstrate that. He is cheating on his fiancee, but even more important, he had sex with you in the bed where she sleeps! She gets into that bed every night, curls up next to her fiancee, and sleeps soundly in the thought that she is loved. He chooses this place to bring you to consummate your relationship. Given that you are now separated, it seems like it would have been possible to do that at your place. Instead, you did it in their bed. Where they make love, talk about the future, and create their intimacy.

 

He does not love her. He does not respect her. He does not love you. He does not respect you. I'm sure he says he loves her. He probably believes he loves her. But is that the kind of love you would want in your life?

[anika99]

If you were about to marry a man who you loved, and he had an affair but it was over. Would you really want to know and ruin the whole life you had planned? If it was over and would never happen again?

 

If he is in love with his fiancé as you believe he is and he cheated on her anyways, before the marriage has even started, before the stress and boredom that bogs down some long term marriages, then the chances of him cheating on her in the future are very very high. He cheated on her during what is usually the happiest and most romantic phase of a relationship, the buildup to marriage. What on earth makes you believe he won't cheat again?

 

Telling the fiancé won't ruin her life, it will save her from ruining her life.

[Ronnie33]

Tell or don't tell. I don't think that's the important bit. She may or may not believe you. He will likely deny it. The important bit is to end it and walk away. Forever.

 

You mentioned that you are divorcing your husband for your own reasons. Divorcing is painful, and you are feeling vulnerable. So you are regressing into an A to avoid the feelings of loss that come from divorce. In that way, the A really is a drug. It numbs the pain of divorce. Long term, this won't work. You have to feel that pain. It's how you learn not to make the same mistakes again.

 

This is a man who lacks integrity and can't be trusted. Viewing him as the male version of yourself is an insult to you.

 

He says he loves her, but his actions do not demonstrate that. He is cheating on his fiancee, but even more important, he had sex with you in the bed where she sleeps! She gets into that bed every night, curls up next to her fiancee, and sleeps soundly in the thought that she is loved. He chooses this place to bring you to consummate your relationship. Given that you are now separated, it seems like it would have been possible to do that at your place. Instead, you did it in their bed. Where they make love, talk about the future, and create their intimacy.

 

He does not love her. He does not respect her. He does not love you. He does not respect you. I'm sure he says he loves her. He probably believes he loves her. But is that the kind of love you would want in your life?

 

 

It wasn't in their bed but in their home. You are right, the affair numbed a lot of what was going on with my divorce. He was like my high and when I was feeling low. He made me feel good and wanted by he was also always there to support me and lift me up. Over three years we were for eachother through some really low times. Now that we are NC again which I'm hoping is for good this time, I feel such a void. This time does feel different though, I think we both knew it had to end. He's getting everything he ever wanted and my life is a mess.

 

I hate him but miss him at the same time. Hopefully the hate will get rid of the the rest.

[Ronnie33]

Too late to edit to add:

 

Is part of your desire to tell based on the hope that she ditches him, and then the two of you can ride off into the sunset? Or a revenge move because he wants to marry her, but keep you in the " dirty little secret" zone?

 

Revenge yes, because I'm angry and that's why I won't. Revenge is useless in this situation. We both entered it. I want revenge because he's happy and I'm not but in reality I know st not right.

 

I have zero thoughts about us riding off into the sunset.

Edited May 25, 2016 by Ronnie33

[Miss Clavel]

It wasn't in their bed but in their home. You are right, the affair numbed a lot of what was going on with my divorce. He was like my high and when I was feeling low. He made me feel good and wanted by he was also always there to support me and lift me up. Over three years we were for eachother through some really low times. Now that we are NC again which I'm hoping is for good this time, I feel such a void. This time does feel different though, I think we both knew it had to end. He's getting everything he ever wanted and my life is a mess.

 

.

i don't believe he's getting everything. it's too soon to tell for either of you. you have to trust the future. it's our duty as humans to have hope. we owe that to ourselves and those around us.

 

just think, if you get out of this situation, you might meet a decent guy. cuz this one, i wouldn't even leave my purse unattended around him.

 

and i have to tell you, not that you asked, i lost two brothers in one month, i lost my mother, my husband murdered me, both my bff's lost their daughters. both were mothers of children under 10. all of this happened to me in the span of 18 months. i've never had sex in any woman's bed that wasn't my own. cuz i matter. i have to matter to myself so i can think well of myself.

 

from now on, keep yourself off the bottom no matter how low you feel.

 

good luck

[lemondrop21]

i don't believe he's getting everything. it's too soon to tell for either of you. you have to trust the future. it's our duty as humans to have hope. we owe that to ourselves and those around us.

 

just think, if you get out of this situation, you might meet a decent guy. cuz this one, i wouldn't even leave my purse unattended around him.

 

and i have to tell you, not that you asked, i lost two brothers in one month, i lost my mother, my husband murdered me, both my bff's lost their daughters. both were mothers of children under 10. all of this happened to me in the span of 18 months. i've never had sex in any woman's bed that wasn't my own. cuz i matter. i have to matter to myself so i can think well of myself.

 

from now on, keep yourself off the bottom no matter how low you feel.

 

good luck

Your husband murdered you - was that a typo or a figure of speech? I assume you aren't posting to LS from the grave

[Babs22]

Revenge yes, because I'm angry and that's why I won't. Revenge is useless in this situation. We both entered it. I want revenge because he's happy and I'm not but in reality I know st not right.

 

I have zero thoughts about us riding off into the sunset.

 

Ronnie,

I get what you are going through and realize this is very painful for you. You are hurting right now because he has made his choice and it is not you. I am in an A with a MM and that realization is often the most difficult one to swallow. My MM was married for 10 years before our A began, so at least in my mind I can say, well if we had met prior to his M then we might be together. Even thought that may not be true, I can tell myself that. In your case your man decided to go ahead with an engagement while he carried on with you. I do not understand how he can love her and have an A with with you, but somehow men's minds seem to work differently than most woman's minds.

 

MM almost never leave their wives for many reasons. They really don't want people to think badly off them. My MM would rather keep the whole facade going than to look like he could not keep a commitment. What would everyone think? He worries about what his family would think, what her family would think, what their friends would think, what his coworkers would think.... So even though I know my MM cares about me, perhaps even loves me, he would never leave his wife. It took me a year to figure that out, by then I was too far into the A to want to end it. In your case your almost MM is already in the commitment part and would not want others to think badly of him by ending the engagement. He may even love her, but I have no idea how he can cheat on her if he truly loves her. He chose to be in this relationship with her, while you were in the picture. He chose to keep you in the picture.

 

I agree that telling her when you are so angry does seem like revenge and I can understand all your reasons for not telling her. They are some of the same reasons that I would never tell my MM's wife about us. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt her, especially if our A was over. I do think you need to take your hurt and use it to stay NC. He has made his choice and it is not you. I know how hard it is to watch my MM take his yearly vacation with his W. I cannot imagine how it would feel to watch him get married and go off on a honeymoon with her. I understand how painful that will be. That is why you need to stay NC now, do it for you. The first days and weeks, are the most difficult. But, If you don't stay NC, I cannot imagine how painful their wedding day and honeymoon will be for you. At least if you can continue NC now, the pain of that day, might not be as hard for you. It's still going to hurt, but you may be able to spare yourself most of the pain

 

Who knows, maybe they will be happily married? I know it looks as though he will just carry on, happily, riding off into the sunset with his fiance. Maybe he will, but it seems kind of doubtful. Don't beat yourself up by thinking that his life is all sunshine and rainbows. No one's life ever is. He has had an affair and hasn't even been married yet! But, you don't need to be a part of that. Hugs to you as you go through this difficult time. I hope that you can stay strong in your NC. There are many here who can offer support and have been through that pain, but came through the other side in a far better place. (((Hugs)))

[Grapesofwrath]

Ronnie,

 

Who knows, maybe they will be happily married? I know it looks as though he will just carry on, happily, riding off into the sunset with his fiance. Maybe he will, but it seems kind of doubtful. Don't beat yourself up by thinking that his life is all sunshine and rainbows. No one's life ever is. He has had an affair and hasn't even been married yet! But, you don't need to be a part of that. Hugs to you as you go through this difficult time. I hope that you can stay strong in your NC. There are many here who can offer support and have been through that pain, but came through the other side in a far better place. (((Hugs)))

 

I think Babs is right. the sun may be shining now, but storm clouds are brewing.

 

His situation is what I sometimes call "a Monet." From a distance, it looks lovely. But when you get up close, you see that it's actually a big mess.

[lemondrop21]

I think Babs is right. the sun may be shining now, but storm clouds are brewing.

 

His situation is what I sometimes call "a Monet." From a distance, it looks lovely. But when you get up close, you see that it's actually a big mess.

 

^^Right, exactly.

 

Can you imagine your bride coming towards you down the aisle, gazing into your eyes and trustingly reciting her vows, when you had carried on an affair during the engagement, of all times?

 

Surely that would rip someone apart inside... or else he's a complete psychopath. I'm not saying that cheating is justified at any point during a marriage, but for the love of god, why carry on with it during an engagement?

 

I'm not an advocate for OW/OM disclosing to BS, but in this case it's actually tempting for me to say that OP should tell. Hmmm.