Abusive relationship: My Story

[TimmyC]

Hey all! I wanted to start off by saying I'm feeling so much better as apposed to how I was the first day. I wanted to open up about my story and provide a more detailed recollection in hopes to help someone that may be going through what I am. Even after you breakup with an abusive partner its always their words that stick with you. Here is my story:

 

 

 

They say that it’s better to of loved and lost than to never loved at all. To me there may very well be some truth to this statement, however if you’re a hopeless romantic like myself this is a statement of doom. At 23 years old I'm not ready to give up on love just yet. This is a story about falling into a toxic relationship and how I am coping. I sincerely hope someone can learn from my experience and become stronger from it.

 

2014, exactly two years ago, I began working at a popular hotel franchise “Extended stay America.” I had just gotten out of the army and needed some extra money to help take care of my mother whom was terminally ill and unable to work. My very first position was a hotel Porter. Starting out I only worked weekends, but at this point I didn’t care. Any money was better than no money. With the help of my grandfather I earned enough money to keep my moms hotel room payed every month and stashed some on the side for holidays. My moms birthday came around and I was able to finally buy her some new cloths. It was such a rewarding and emotional feeling seeing my mom happy after letting her sickness consume her with grief for so long. Moving forward I continued to work hard and my Boss was so impressed he promoted me to front desk. I was finally making a little bit of a name for myself, I got to meet so many new people and then I met her.

 

“Don’t look for love, let it come to you.”

These are words I’m sure almost all of us have heard before at least once. March, 1st 2015, a beautiful irish women walked into the office. Her beautiful green eyes pierced straight through my soul. She moved to Washington from Colorado for school and was staying at the hotel while she found a place to stay. We immediately hit it off, she would come back after school and spend most of her time chatting it up with me in the office. While things were going so good in my love life things with my mother had began to deteriorate. As a way to cope with her stress she began to drink heavily, she would spend the money my grandfather had given her on alcohol. I remember coming back after night shift to her passed out on the bathroom floor. Eventually things got so bad between my mom and I my sister had to move down to Washington to take care of her. I ended up moving in with another family member until I got on my feet, and tried to move forward like a normal 22 year old should be able to do.

 

“Getting Serious”

About a month after my mom moved in with my sister, my relationship began to get serious. Me and this woman fell in love. We adored every moment about eachother. We didn’t spent a moment apart, she called me almost everyday. I remember taking her out to eat one day and listening to her talk about* what she had learned that day. All I could do is stare at her beautiful green eyes and sweet smile. Eventually she would stop talking and look at me and smile and then we would close our eyes and kiss. She told me she wouldn’t know what she would ever do without me. And I told her I could never picture my life without her either. We made love, and I swear after that day it made us so much closer, closer than I thought we could have ever been. A bond I had never felt with any other woman. For the first time in my life, I had everything I needed to be happy.

 

“A helping hand”

As summer approached me and her began to get very busy, we still spoke every day but we began to get very busy. She told me she was under a lot of stress seeing as her funds were running low and she would be homeless soon. As an extended stay employee we get one free weeks stay at any extended stay hotel 50 miles from our property. With negotiation I was able to get a her a one week stay until she got on her feet again. I couldn’t bare to see her on the street.

 

“Love isn’t always roses!”

As we both began to get busier, she would get upset at me a few times because I had missed a few phone calls. At this point I completely understood, and then there was “him”. I'll never forget that phonecall, she called one day to tell me that she planned on moving back to Colorado. This was a difficult decision because I wasn’t quite comfortable with leaving my family. This caused an awful argument, in which she threw in my face the fact that I said I would always be with her. Nevertheless that conversation ended abruptly. We didn’t talk for almost a week and then she called back to inform me that her eyes had been wondering and she became attracted to someone else. My heart sank, after that moment in time I hung up the phone and would not speak to her again until five months later.

 

“The relationship that wouldn’t die”

Throughout time I would get messages about how much she missed me, and it took so much for me not to cave in, I loved her so much and the thought that she was hurting killed me. I just couldn’t get out of my head that she took a liking to someone else so fast, I didn’t want to go through that again. Eventually through a mutual friend, we both decided that the pain of being a part was too much to bear and we got back together.

 

“Was it meant to be?”

Getting back together was amazing for the first month, it was almost like we never had broken up the first time. We would hold each other in bed and talk about how much we had been through, but found our way back to each other again.

 

“A pattern forming.”

She began to struggle with rent on her apartment, At the time I was paying my half of rent at my own place so I didn’t really have the money, but I didn’t mind eating top ramen for a few weeks if it meant she would have a place to stay. She did take care of me as well a few times I will admit, she did purchase food for me a few times. Then she started asking when I got payed? I didn’t want to think anything of it because I felt we were still so in love.

 

“A different person”

I decided that for our anniversary and for her birthday I would propose to her. I bought her a ring, it wasn’t a diamond ring, but it was all I could afford. I spent $300, not a huge amount but I bought the best that I could because in my mind I thought it was the best (at the time.) It was a blue topaz and gold ring. When I presented it to her, things were fine and she said it was beautiful at first. 3 days later she broke the news to me that she was upset that it wasn’t a diamond ring. She didn’t want to explain to her friends that I wasn’t able to afford a diamond ring. I broke down so hard, I felt pretty worthless and to be completely honest it pushed me away. I forgave this instance and agreed to purchase a diamond ring for her once I could afford it. At this moment she began not calling as much, only calling once or twice every couple of days and when we planned on hanging out I would often be left at her house while she was out with friends until 1am in the morning. I didn’t say anything about it because hey those are her friends.

 

“WTF is even happening?”

I should have mentioned this earlier, but when we agreed to hook back up one of the instances was that we wouldn’t make it public on Facebook until it was official. After thing became serious again she did not want to add me on Facebook. This made me suspicious. After this and the constant pushing me aside I had to confront her. I texted her one night at work and told her I felt like she was hiding something and she blew up on me. I was used to this because whenever I did try to tell her something was upsetting me she would react with an argument followed by verbal abuse of course and I learned to lie. It became second nature to me, I learned how to hide facial expressions and to hide what was bothering me. I constantly feared the question.... "What's wrong?" If I awnsered, there would be hell to pay.

 

“Gone”

Things were never the same after this. Infact two days after this would be the demise of our relationship. The last thing she told me on the phone was that I was crazy and needed help, She then proceeded to tell me that perhaps I didn’t get enough hugs as a child and this is the reason I’m like this. Someone I fell so deeply in love with tore me down so terribly. I felt like I could not go on.

 

“Haunted by memories”

After it was all said and done, I tried to move forward but I continued to lapse. I was haunted in my dreams. For 8 days I dreamed about a memory in my childhood usually ending with her saying that she missed me. I would wake up terrified what the hell was wrong with me. For the first time in my life I had no idea what was wrong with me. Was I by definition, clinically insane? It took two weeks before I was able to stop having bad dreams and to stop checking my phone again.

 

“The fall”

After 13 days the pain came back and I'd had it with myself. I mixed a bottle of propanol into Powerade and downed the entire bottle. It tasted aweful my god, I remember waking up in my vomit and pissed off that it did not work. The next couple of days would be the most difficult. I was a zombie. I went to work and sleep. Nothing helped, nothing made me happy anymore. I felt like a worthless and helpless person. All I wanted was someone I could take care of.

 

“Now”

As of right now, things are better for me. Not great, but I’m content with what happened. I am thankful for the lessons I have learned from this relationship. I learned age is just a number, I am 23 years old and she is 34. Age means nothing, even the oldest can break you. I still love her and I don’t think I will ever stop, but my message to whoever is reading this, would be things will get better. Remember that you are worth more than a toxic relationship. Get out while you still can and get help!!

[ChocolateRain]

Your Story touched me deeply ...so sad you had to go through this experience at such a young age ... dealing with you ill mother and a broken heart ... i hope from the Bottom of my heart that you keep being this strong ...suffering is never good but it teaches us lessons . You did all you could and ended up with a very positive attitude . i wish someday you will find the right person who values what you have to offer ....

be blessed Young man ...

[ChocolateRain]

Double post

Edited May 10, 2016 by ChocolateRain
Double Post

[turnera]

I always told my DD25, growing up, to never date seriously in high school - it wouldn't last. To try on different people in college to see who you're more compatible with, but still to not get serious. And to wait until you've started your post-college career to start looking for a serious partner. Because by then you'll know what city you're likely to be living in, so one of you doesn't have to give up and move.

 

Anyway, you're just a pup. You have a LOT of living, learning, and growing up to do. Trust me, at your age you think that's all there is. At 30 you're just getting started. At 40 you've finally found your groove and can do what you want.

 

Just keep an open mind. You'll be fine.

[TimmyC]

Thank you guys for the support, it reallyeans alot. Today was a really hard day because I saw her pass by my job but I guess I'm making progress because when I saw her, I didn't feel distraught like I normally would have, I kind of felt glad. Glad that I didn't have to worry about where she was going, and glad that I wouldn't have to deal with her putting me down anymore.

[turnera]

Excellent progress.

[seamos]

TimmyC; when I commented on your other thread today I hadn't read the ones you had posted previously.

 

I've read most of the others now and am amazed at what you went thru.

 

Some of it reminds me of myself when I went thru my 2nd divorce in my mid 20's. It seemed like the end of the world and I desperately wanted to shut off the pain, if only for a little while.

 

It's the only time I've ever put a gun to my head willing myself to pull the trigger.

 

Luckily I didn't.

 

I'm so glad you made it thru the days you had like that too. It sounds like you are thru the worst of it, tho I'm sure you'll have ups and downs.

 

I can look back on my own experience now, many years later, and be amazed. Time changes things and heals wounds, I realize now I wouldn't touch that woman w/ a 10 foot pole! And to think that years ago I let her break my heart!

 

Keep your head up and keep posting, it sounds like you'll do okay!

[TimmyC]

TimmyC; when I commented on your other thread today I hadn't read the ones you had posted previously.

 

I've read most of the others now and am amazed at what you went thru.

 

Some of it reminds me of myself when I went thru my 2nd divorce in my mid 20's. It seemed like the end of the world and I desperately wanted to shut off the pain, if only for a little while.

 

It's the only time I've ever put a gun to my head willing myself to pull the trigger.

 

Luckily I didn't.

 

I'm so glad you made it thru the days you had like that too. It sounds like you are thru the worst of it, tho I'm sure you'll have ups and downs.

 

I can look back on my own experience now, many years later, and be amazed. Time changes things and heals wounds, I realize now I wouldn't touch that woman w/ a 10 foot pole! And to think that years ago I let her break my heart!

 

Keep your head up and keep posting, it sounds like you'll do okay!

 

This meant alot to read, I'm glad you survived your difficult time as well! Reading about you putting a gun to your head really hits home for me. When the pills failed, I remember grabbing my .45, I'd never seen the front of my glock until I looked down that barrel.... Something I can laugh about now. Being here and listening to all of you guys stories and having all of your support means the world to me and has helped me.

 

I'm so glad the abuse is over, although I'm working on forgetting her hurtful words, I definitely feel an improvement each day.