a little help from those who are sep/div

[smile95]

I need a little help here. I am not married....never have been. Dying to be(but that is another story). To all of you who have been married and are now either sep/div....please tell me how yuo get over the good memories. I was not ever engaged to my ex but we had a ton of good memories! A ton. When I try to get over that it is over, I wonder how married people do it(having weddings and honeymoons and great families to get over) Any ideas on how to let go of the good and remember the bad and why you are not with them? Don't you just want to run to them and hold them when you think of the good stuff. If you were married you have to have a lot more memoires than I did, so if you can get over it, why can't I????

[d.rocks]

Hello Beth

 

Well, getting over the good memories...why?

I have been thinking mostly of why she wanted the divorce, which tends to make me think of what I didn't do. But the good memories are what I count on to try and revive the love that at least I feel for her. I have 21 years of memories.

 

Don't forget the good memories, but if it's over, move on you'll find someone else...I know I hate it when people say that to me also... those good memories are part of you now. You can look back fondly and reminise later. Really you will look back and not feel sad.

 

Good luck to you

 

Dennis

[dgiirl]

I know I definitely dont wont to lose the good memories. My stbxh almost convinced me they were never true. He's a liar. I looked back at pictures recently, and I can clearly see he was happy, I was happy, they were good memories, I wasnt insane.

 

Beth, I'll tell you my progress. The first month or two, I took all the blame, and all I could think about was how good of a guy he was (denial/begging stage). Into the second and third month, I start really reflecting on the situation and can see how he wasnt all that great. I got really angry and started blaming him for the whole divorce (anger stage). Into the fourth month, I'm slowly starting to accept it. I do still flip flop from day to day, but I wont ruin my future over him. You have to force yourself out every day. When this first started, I was writting in a journal to help me with my emotions. I asked myself two questions every day: Did I have fun today? Did I accomplish something today? No matter how trivial it was, I wrote it down in the journal. It really helped me get through each day and actually start to look for something to write in the journal. I would be driving home from work and start to think about what I'll write in the journal. If you're still sitting at home crying on the couch every night, start writting! Find happiness in the littlest things, and you realize that in time you can be happy again. Look forward to your future, about meeting a new guy who will sweep you off your feet and will do all the things you need him to do. Dont worry about making it happen right now, just imagine what it will feel like starting new, with those butterflies in your stomach. Life is good. You'll get through it. It just takes time.

[Devildog]

Depending on the situation you were in, yeah, it can be difficult to get past those memories. I know the most difficult thing for me was the fact that after those years of marriage, of being together all the time, doing all these things, living together, every little thing you do is a reminder of the other person. Doesn't matter how small or insignificant the action or thing is, it holds some memory. Making your favorite sandwich can trigger memories. Anything!

 

I think that is why it is so helpful and theraputic to get out and do new things. These are things you don't associate with your ex. It doesn't have the ties to memories of your past relationship. And as time goes on the memories become fewer and fewer.

 

So go out and take up some new hobbies. Do something different. Especially if it is something your ex was never interested in, or thought was stupid.

[smile95]

thanks......digirl-do you think maybe since I always know he comes back, I am still holding onto hope? Do you think it is a little bit unrealistic that I am hoping to heal after only 22 days?? I see you have gone months! THanks for your posts everyone! Maybe I am hoping on time healing, but not giving it enough time.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by beth5201

thanks......digirl-do you think maybe since I always know he comes back, I am still holding onto hope? Do you think it is a little bit unrealistic that I am hoping to heal after only 22 days?? I see you have gone months! THanks for your posts everyone! Maybe I am hoping on time healing, but not giving it enough time.

 

Of course time will heal. As devildog has suggested, as soon as you start to incorporate new things into your life, you'll see that life continues and not everything revolves around your ex. You'll find new happy memories that does not include your ex. But the only way to get rid of the pain, is to experience it now, so that it's over with. Am I still crying? Yes. But I'm getting out every single day and doing something, anything, and things have improved. I'm not crying nearly as much as D-day, my anxiety has diminished, and I'm smiling! My friends have been amazing and I've relied on them so much. In the beginning, I needed to hold onto hope. I couldnt survive if I didnt. So if you need to hold onto hope, then do so. But dont let it stop you from really reflecting on the relationship, figuring out what you want changed, what went wrong, and really think about if this relationship satisfies you. Cry as much as you can bear, pray as much as you want, then hold onto hope for a little short time. But really look at his actions Beth. If your friend was going through this instead of you, what would you tell her?

[XNemesisX]

I am pretty much over my ex (we broke up 7 months ago) and it has took me THIS long to get over it, after approx 2 year relationship. I have also been wondering how divorced people get over their ex. I know of people who had been with someone 20 years or so and ended up divorced. I always wondered to myself that if it has been this terribly hard for me to get over someone I dated for 2 years then how do people do it that were with someone for 20?!?!

 

I will tell you how I got over my ex. I met someone else that I liked just as much. Plain and simple. I know if I hadn't started dating this other guy I would still be sulking over my ex. I think it takes a new love to get over the old one. Only problem is, the guy I REALLY like now has a girlfriend...which is a whole other story.