Leaving the door open

[MrsBilliethekid]

Just wondering......when you reach the point of ending the affair unless your AP leaves their committed relationship, how do you do it? This is opposed to NC when you're done and never want to see them again. .....

[privategal]

How? Delete your email, fb, change your number, go dark.

Burn every single path of communication.

A final email is OPTIONAL.

IF you do send one...be clear, be firm, mean it, then dont look back.

[Forceawakensme]

What Privategal says! ---

 

If you are truly done.. then scorch the earth on every trace of potential contact. I would pretend hes dead.. grieve him but make sure there is no physical way he can get back to you or anything or anybody remotely related to him can get back to you. Hes now someone 'from your past'. If people try to talk about him, change the subject, delete and block all mutual friends on FB (if possible) -- and just disappear.

 

Good luck with it!! You'll be on to brighter days im sure!

 

PS -- I have not done this yet with my xMM .. but it is my eventual aim and something i know is ultimately essential for the true 'moving on' process. YOu have to be ready - and congrats, you sound like you are! -- a great thing!

[Girlfromcali]

How? Delete your email, fb, change your number, go dark.

Burn every single path of communication.

A final email is OPTIONAL.

IF you do send one...be clear, be firm, mean it, then dont look back.

 

I would never be able to do that with anyone.

[Ms. Faust]

I would never be able to do that with anyone.

 

I've done it to only the most toxic people in my life, which thankfully are just a few.

[Cymbeline]

I don't think that is what she is asking. She wants to know what to do if she is prepared to continue seeing him only if he leaves his wife - how to leave the door open without allowing him to have the affair and the marriage.

[Girlfromcali]

I've done it to only the most toxic people in my life, which thankfully are just a few.

 

Yes, I would absolutely do that with toxic people. I did that with a female friend of mine who betrayed me. It was not hard to do.

[Girlfromcali]

I don't think that is what she is asking. She wants to know what to do if she is prepared to continue seeing him only if he leaves his wife - how to leave the door open without allowing him to have the affair and the marriage.

 

What I have done is that I am "friends" with him. I don't keep in touch regularly, I don't let him say anything emotional.

 

I have explained that I don't want him to say anything that causes "aww" moments. He says he understands and respects me for that. It's not easy, though.

[Forceawakensme]

I don't think that is what she is asking. She wants to know what to do if she is prepared to continue seeing him only if he leaves his wife - how to leave the door open without allowing him to have the affair and the marriage.

 

 

Ahh ok.. i misunderstood.

 

Well then in that case, i'd make a crystal clear ultimatum and give it to him with a etched in stone date attached. This relationship will self-destruct in 3,2,1... with forewarning of NC that lies ahead.

 

I'd send an email so there is no confusion with numbered points. I find my xMM used to respond to clear things numbered.. any paragraphs looked like ramblings.

 

YOu can still make it warm and fuzzy at the end if you have to. But dont do this unless you really mean it as youll lose respect from him and yourself.

[minimariah]

setting up firm boundaries.

 

you still go NC - but WITHOUT blocking the contact. you tell him that you need firm proof that he WILL, indeed, leave his wife. meaning, some serious steps. telling the wife and his family, contacting the attorney, looking up his own place to stay (if he'll be the one moving out), going to the court... so until he makes those steps and PROVES that he made them - no contact.

 

when he's moving towards the divorce - you keep contact on support only and you're still firm, ending every romantic relationship... no kisses, no sex, no nothing. when he's out of the house and filed the papers, you SLOWLY start the relationship back up. when some time has passed and when you're sure that he really is done with the marriage - you find couple's counseling and approach his children + xW with respect & kindness.

 

that's how it would look like in ideal situation... in an affair, i think. i believe cutting off contact until something changes is necessary - he needs to feel some real loss. that won't really happen if you are present in his life. so no contact or really low contact and short, businesslike responses.

 

i wouldn't advise you to be friends with him because that's again a form of an EA and he's still getting what he wants from you.

 

cut off his resources, as simple as that.

[heartwhole]

In your case, I would firmly end the relationship with a statement that when he's divorced, he is welcome to look you up. If you're still single, maybe you can date. But until then, you'll only be dating men who are actually available. Explain that he is not to contact you until he is single. You don't need more excuses, more explanations, etc. He's a passive conflict-avoider. Even if he says, "I will get a divorce stat!" the chances of him following through while you hold his hand are slim. If he's going to file for divorce, I think it will be because he realizes that it's the only way to have a chance with you.

 

In the meantime, you close that door in your heart and mind and move on to dating single men. Maybe MM will surprise you. Hope for the best but plan for the worst. If he refuses to stop contacting you but also refuses to get a divorce, then sorry bud, you do a proper NC with blocking in place. But I don't think you need to do that unless he doesn't get it when you explain what is happening (or rather, chooses not to comply).