Emotional Affair

[LovingDelilah]

It started as a simple message a day on a friendship site. After 6 weeks we exchanged photos and I was surprised to find out he was African American and I was white. We continued to message but via email and then a Messenger type app. He claimed he was in a sexless marriage and my marriage WAS good not perfect but not in trouble. I have really bad anxiety and he would keep me company while I was at work. We started talking on the phone and became even closer. He told me wanted to come and meet me on the opposite side of the world. I was afraid but excited too. During this time he said he was planning on leaving his wife as there was constant arguing and no intimacy.

 

They told their adult kids they were planning to divorce and they were really upset and asked their parents to go to counselling. He is always telling me he loves me and was planning to visit. Now he says he loves me but I can't break our relationship but he and hid wife have stopped arguing all the time and she has agreed to work on intimacy issues. Why would he do that when he says to me he's not attracted to her?

 

I said I was happy for him and it was time for us to part ways. He went crazy saying he couldn't lose me and that I'm selfish not wanting him happy with his wife. I told him that was not true ax I thought the best thing for me to do was leave him to sort out his marriage. Why is he so determined to keep me in his life ? Why is it so hard for me to walk away? I feel like the most horrible person on the earth.

 

Is he just desperately lonely or playing me for a fool?

[Girlfromcali]

If you have a good marriage, why are you talking to guys online?

[minimariah]

at this point - he still isn't done with his marriage. he is still attached to some point. so i would back off while he works out his things - try to move on. i think this is the breaking point for him - he will either stay or leave after he fully detaches.

 

i would advise you do try to continue with your life the best you know how. if he comes around - great. if not? you'll be fine without him.

[heartwhole]

There's really no way to know everything about a person who lives on the other side of the world. Best case scenario, he's never done this sort of thing before and his feelings for you are real, but the chances of this inter-continental love affair ending in happily ever after are slim to none. Worse case scenario, you are being played by someone who does this all the time for ego kibbles or financial gain or because he's bored.

 

But even if his feelings are real . . . what does that change? He's got children, do you really think he'll move halfway across the world from them?

 

What you haven't done is turn the questions around on yourself. When you are/were in a good marriage, why are you choosing to pursue something with a married man halfway across the world? Of course, everyone likes falling in love. Oxytocin. You feel an actual high when you get a "hit" from your new lover. You didn't have proper boundaries in place, so you opened the door to someone new. You have bonded with someone's words, and then later his picture. You don't know how he smells, how he eats, how he interacts with his kids or friends.

 

So it seemed like things were going well, if destroying both of your marriages and riding off into the sunset together is your definition of "well." It seemed like he would get a divorce. He would come visit you and have a PA. Your marriage would blow up. You'd get married. But then he changed course, so you reasonably said, "OK, this isn't going anywhere. I'm ending it." And then he "went crazy" and told you that you "can't" break up with him because it's "selfish." Are those the words and actions of an emotionally healthy, safe person? If he loves you, then why does he want you to remain his dirty secret?

 

All of this wondering about him and why he would choose to work on his marriage rather than give it up for someone he's never met in person is all a distraction from your real life. In your real life, you are married to someone you are taking for granted. In your real life, you are treating your anxiety by depending on a stranger halfway across the world. In your real life, you are going on Friend Finding websites rather than investing in relationships with people you can see and touch. I highly recommend you get into counseling to explore why you are making self-destructive choices and investing so much in an escape from your real life.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry OP but this is a clear case of someone "having their cake and eating it too", nothing more.

 

I would take everything he says with a grain of salt and, more importantly, I'd take a really long hard look at your own marriage. Something is wrong if you're spending all your time and energy on another man who isn't your husband.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right in this case.

[Satu]

snip

Is he just desperately lonely or playing me for a fool?

 

He's playing you for a fool.

 

Delete.

 

Block.

 

Work on your marriage.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It started as a simple message a day on a friendship site. After 6 weeks we exchanged photos and I was surprised to find out he was African American and I was white. We continued to message but via email and then a Messenger type app. He claimed he was in a sexless marriage and my marriage WAS good not perfect but not in trouble. I have really bad anxiety and he would keep me company while I was at work. We started talking on the phone and became even closer. He told me wanted to come and meet me on the opposite side of the world. I was afraid but excited too. During this time he said he was planning on leaving his wife as there was constant arguing and no intimacy.

 

They told their adult kids they were planning to divorce and they were really upset and asked their parents to go to counselling. He is always telling me he loves me and was planning to visit. Now he says he loves me but I can't break our relationship but he and hid wife have stopped arguing all the time and she has agreed to work on intimacy issues. Why would he do that when he says to me he's not attracted to her?

 

I said I was happy for him and it was time for us to part ways. He went crazy saying he couldn't lose me and that I'm selfish not wanting him happy with his wife. I told him that was not true ax I thought the best thing for me to do was leave him to sort out his marriage. Why is he so determined to keep me in his life ? Why is it so hard for me to walk away? I feel like the most horrible person on the earth.

 

Is he just desperately lonely or playing me for a fool?

 

 

No one can give answers on his behalf.

 

However, you can give answers to your own motivation in all this.

 

Start with your own two questions.

 

Are you desperately lonely or playing a fool?

[Cymbeline]

He is words upon a screen. To be other than that, and moreover to be successfully other, you are going to need nothing short of divine intervention and that is simply unlikely.

[MrsBilliethekid]

He sounds unhinged. Run. Delete. Block. Think yourself lucky you have thousands of miles between you x

[Poppy47]

He's playing games on the internet, just like you are.

 

YOu can be anything you like on the net....

 

Poppy.

[Girlfromcali]

He's playing games on the internet, just like you are.

 

YOu can be anything you like on the net....

 

Poppy.

 

Exactly. Internet has a fantasy element, and makes cheating so easy nowadays. You don't even have to leave your house.

 

What a wonderful world we're living in

[privategal]

Websters dictionary defines fantasy as:the faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable.

 

It was an escape...for you both.

Get back to your real life. In reality he has a wife...also he likely has many online partners to escape and fantasize with. Just stop talking and disengage in an online world and go see a concert, watch the sunset, go have real live coffee and lunch with friends and family who love you. You got caught up, so shrug it off and close your pc. Its spring. Start living REAL life.

[ShatteredLady]

Please don't fool yourself that an EA is soooo much better than a PA. I don't know how far this has gone but it's clear you've already crossed many boundaries.

 

I don't know what words you've written. You clearly wanted him to visit...what did you picture happening there? If your H or his W knew EVERYTHING you've shared how do you think they would feel?

 

You're in danger of devastating people, one you claim to love & made vows to. You chose to post this in the OW forum. Take a little time. Picture your husband crying & broken, filing for divorce...for WHAT??

 

As others have said... Who gives 2 hoots what's going on with this complete stranger half a world away?!? You claim your marriage is ok. Why are you treating your H like this? That's not rhetorical. I'd really like to understand for my own sanity. Why do people do this?

[sandylee1]

He enjoys the attention he gets from you and doesn't want it to end.

 

Why not tell him all hell has broken loose and your H found your messages to him and you can't contact him again. Wish him good luck and go NC. End of story.

[LovingDelilah]

I know it seemed like nothing at the beginning and is now causing so much stress. I would not wish this on anybody.

[Girlfromcali]

I know it seemed like nothing at the beginning and is now causing so much stress. I would not wish this on anybody.

 

Lol...I am not laughing at you, I am laughing with you because I had an Internet fantasy affair also that practically destroyed me. I thought I was happy before it started, I didn't mean it to happen, and bam, it took years out of my life.

 

I also analyzed every single thing the guy did, said, I couldn't obviously talk to people I knew, but other than that, I talked to anyone who would listen (even homeless people, I'm not even kidding).

 

There is a zero chance anything good will come out of it. I am praying you won't get caught up in it like I did. Be smarter than me.

[LovingDelilah]

He has been very kind to me at a very low point in my life. My husband who I have been with since leaving school and have children and a life with never has time during the day and in the evenings prefers to watch tv rather than do anything that does not interest him. I can count on one hand in 25 years when he has let me choose a movie I want to watch or a holiday destination. That being said he is a good had working man and father. We still have intimacy and kindness in our marriage. Our family is close and I have never cheated on him in a physical affair.

[LovingDelilah]

at this point - he still isn't done with his marriage. he is still attached to some point. so i would back off while he works out his things - try to move on. i think this is the breaking point for him - he will either stay or leave after he fully detaches.

 

i would advise you do try to continue with your life the best you know how. if he comes around - great. if not? you'll be fine without him.

 

There's really no way to know everything about a person who lives on the other side of the world. Best case scenario, he's never done this sort of thing before and his feelings for you are real, but the chances of this inter-continental love affair ending in happily ever after are slim to none. Worse case scenario, you are being played by someone who does this all the time for ego kibbles or financial gain or because he's bored.

 

But even if his feelings are real . . . what does that change? He's got children, do you really think he'll move halfway across the world from them?

 

What you haven't done is turn the questions around on yourself. When you are/were in a good marriage, why are you choosing to pursue something with a married man halfway across the world? Of course, everyone likes falling in love. Oxytocin. You feel an actual high when you get a "hit" from your new lover. You didn't have proper boundaries in place, so you opened the door to someone new. You have bonded with someone's words, and then later his picture. You don't know how he smells, how he eats, how he interacts with his kids or friends.

 

So it seemed like things were going well, if destroying both of your marriages and riding off into the sunset together is your definition of "well." It seemed like he would get a divorce. He would come visit you and have a PA. Your marriage would blow up. You'd get married. But then he changed course, so you reasonably said, "OK, this isn't going anywhere. I'm ending it." And then he "went crazy" and told you that you "can't" break up with him because it's "selfish." Are those the words and actions of an emotionally healthy, safe person? If he loves you, then why does he want you to remain his dirty secret?

 

All of this wondering about him and why he would choose to work on his marriage rather than give it up for someone he's never met in person is all a distraction from your real life. In your real life, you are married to someone you are taking for granted. In your real life, you are treating your anxiety by depending on a stranger halfway across the world. In your real life, you are going on Friend Finding websites rather than investing in relationships with people you can see and touch. I highly recommend you get into counseling to explore why you are making self-destructive choices and investing so much in an escape from your real life.

 

Lol...I am not laughing at you, I am laughing with you because I had an Internet fantasy affair also that practically destroyed me. I thought I was happy before it started, I didn't mean it to happen, and bam, it took years out of my life.

 

I also analyzed every single thing the guy did, said, I couldn't obviously talk to people I knew, but other than that, I talked to anyone who would listen (even homeless people, I'm not even kidding).

 

There is a zero chance anything good will come out of it. I am praying you won't get caught up in it like I did. Be smarter than me.

 

 

All I want to do is get out but I can't.I am so afraid I can't get through the day without him. It's like I'm a mess.

[Girlfromcali]

All I want to do is get out but I can't.I am so afraid I can't get through the day without him. It's like I'm a mess.

 

I know those feelings. That was (still is) the hardest part of giving him up. I feel like there's nothing else now that I don't have him.

 

How to fill that void? I wish I knew. I do little things, I move forward slowly but it is getting better.

[ShatteredLady]

Be careful of rewriting your good marriage. It's very normal.

 

If you said to your husband, "I REALLY, REALLY want to watch this movie tonight. Will you sit with me & watch it?", will he say "No woman! We will watch my film!". What if you told him that you really fancy going somewhere on vacation (& it's affordable etc)? What if you made it REALLY clear that that's where you want to go this year?

 

I'm just asking because very often in marriage partners start to assume things & get into habits. It's not intentional. It's just the way it becomes & nothing changes until you say something.

 

I've found that sometimes someone posts & most members give similar advise & then more & more information comes out & the advise changes drastically. If your H isn't the nice guy just put me right....

 

Before we married me & my H took a whole year off. We travelled but mostly just hung out together & socialized with friends. We were together 24/7. It was FANTASTIC! We didn't bore or get annoyed with eachother once, not once! We were there for eachother completely & utterly any moment of the day or night. Life can't always be like that. My H is currently working a contract where he's in meetings nearly all day. We can only mail in the morning, lunch & when he leaves. That's life!

 

I'm just saying, I'm not buying it really. Is there something truly wrong with your marriage or have you made a huge mistake & opened yourself up to man you never should have?

 

Let's be honest. Marriage can get a bit boring at times. It's very exciting to explore new & different. Excitement is addictive. Chatting on mobile devices is addictive. You're already doing very wrong by your H & yourself. Keep writing. When you feel like writing to the OM write here. We all mess-up....have you messed-up?

[Girlfromcali]

I guess there are marriages that stay exciting for over 25 years, but how many of those anyone really knows, especially nowadays?

 

Internet affairs are too easy. Man, the things our ancestors didn't have to worry about!

 

My affair started from a site related to my hobby that had nothing to with anyone trying to hook up. Well, at least I thought it didn't.

 

I didn't even know you could fall in love with someone you've never met.

 

Well, now I know.

Edited April 16, 2016 by Girlfromcali

[Jersey born raised]

I do understand where you are at emotionally. You sound honest and actual in general an honorable person in general. I may be ripped by this but sometimes even those who enter a PA are fundamentally a good person who made a bad choice. At this point you might have a lot in common with avwalk away spouse. (an aside there are walk aways who do not leave the marriage and do not have an EA or a PA they just detach and live as roommates.)

 

I've read a lot of posts about and by walk away spouses. In nearly every case the spouse left behind claims to be blindsided. The most common response is I never knew it wad this serious. Of course the WAS has been telling them fir years. So what should a person who is about to be come a walk away do to try to save their marriage.

 

First plan your divorce. I know seems counter intuitive but bear with me. Know is the time you are in the best postion to consider what would be best for your children and what would be fair to you and your husband. If things go badly south the settlement becomes a war to get even,

 

Since your husband is a guy take action you think would be abrupt and provide a list to be added to going froward. Demand he do the same. As a man I tell you all to often that is the only way to get threw.

 

I lost my college fiancé because I didn't know and was thick headed. I never cheated, demeaned her, left her alone but I failed in so many small ways and not sharing some fears. Chief among them my reluctance to actually mary. It had nothing to do with her, I was terrified of being a failure as a husband, that I wouldn't make enough money or be able to hold a job for decades. (remember this was in 77). Yes I supported her working, and her job just being a perk. As only woman can bear a child, I felt would aiways have to be in a position if she decided to be a SAM. In any event I changed so no woman would ever leave me because of these issues.

 

End contact with your friend. Ask till the new year (2017) to try ton save each of your marriages. When you are tempted to reach out to him, come here.

 

To begin I would read the home page of The 5 Love Languages | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.. They do sell a book but honestly you will need to work with a therapist going forward so just read the opening pages to get a sense of the concept. I mentioned I was thick headed, in my case I was not big on birthdays or anniverarties, etc, etc. But I would walk a mile and half (we lived in dorms with no car) to buy her a rose once or twice a month. To me that was the only important thing. My mistake THER ARE TWO PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP. So know I try to know what is important to her.

 

I would also do a search for the Briggs Meyers personality test for the both of you.

 

I could go on about what should be on the list and how to act day by day but this post is already to long. If you are interested to hear more like this post so I know to return.

 

I will close by wishing you well, know sacrifice is needed at times but never martyrdom, in all your actions strive to be the person you would respect.

 

BRJ

Edited April 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed commercial URL

[LovingDelilah]

I do understand where you are at emotionally. You sound honest and actual in general an honorable person in general. I may be ripped by this but sometimes even those who enter a PA are fundamentally a good person who made a bad choice. At this point you might have a lot in common with avwalk away spouse. (an aside there are walk aways who do not leave the marriage and do not have an EA or a PA they just detach and live as roommates.)

 

I've read a lot of posts about and by walk away spouses. In nearly every case the spouse left behind claims to be blindsided. The most common response is I never knew it wad this serious. Of course the WAS has been telling them fir years. So what should a person who is about to be come a walk away do to try to save their marriage.

 

First plan your divorce. I know seems counter intuitive but bear with me. Know is the time you are in the best postion to consider what would be best for your children and what would be fair to you and your husband. If things go badly south the settlement becomes a war to get even,

 

Since your husband is a guy take action you think would be abrupt and provide a list to be added to going froward. Demand he do the same. As a man I tell you all to often that is the only way to get threw.

 

I lost my college fiancé because I didn't know and was thick headed. I never cheated, demeaned her, left her alone but I failed in so many small ways and not sharing some fears. Chief among them my reluctance to actually mary. It had nothing to do with her, I was terrified of being a failure as a husband, that I wouldn't make enough money or be able to hold a job for decades. (remember this was in 77). Yes I supported her working, and her job just being a perk. As only woman can bear a child, I felt would aiways have to be in a position if she decided to be a SAM. In any event I changed so no woman would ever leave me because of these issues.

 

End contact with your friend. Ask till the new year (2017) to try ton save each of your marriages. When you are tempted to reach out to him, come here.

 

To begin I would read the home page of Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.. They do sell a book but honestly you will need to work with a therapist going forward so just read the opening pages to get a sense of the concept. I mentioned I was thick headed, in my case I was not big on birthdays or anniverarties, etc, etc. But I would walk a mile and half (we lived in dorms with no car) to buy her a rose once or twice a month. To me that was the only important thing. My mistake THER ARE TWO PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP. So know I try to know what is important to her.

 

I would also do a search for the Briggs Meyers personality test for the both of you.

 

I could go on about what should be on the list and how to act day by day but this post is already to long. If you are interested to hear more like this post so I know to return.

 

I will close by wishing you well, know sacrifice is needed at times but never martyrdom, in all your actions strive to be the person you would respect.

 

BRJ

 

This is such good advice. I am just so anxious at the moment I can't think straight. It's like logic is out the window. I did see s therapist a year ago because I felt my life was falling apart due to several issues even though outward appearances of being a wife, mother and my work commitments being fulfilled.I will look to the suggested reading. Thank you for sharing your story and knowledge.

[Jersey born raised]

First text OM explain to him you need a complete NC till the end of then year to try save your marriage. This is an excellent for a BS or a WS to end a relationship. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

Read Grey Cloud and Paralegal posts to begin.

If he is a player or looking for a quick fix of validation you couldbtry to scare him off by:

Starting with that if you contact him on 1/1/2017 you are all in. That you at this point will have filled for divorce and tell him you will file before the 8th of Jan.

Tell him he needs to move close to you if he has filed.

Tell him you will need him to move close to your location to be intimate.

Ask him to use online help ads.

Ask him to be prepared to discuss blended families. Ask him how he wants you to act as his child's step-mother.

Ask him to consider how he should behavior with your son,

 

I am not sure I giving good advise. Sorry I was a BS.

 

You will need reach other wayward spouses for better advise. I really have not seen many posts here about walk away spouses. Never the less from you posts you are about to be one,

 

Again no heroic sacrifices such as living in a dead marriage.

 

As a BS I beg you to go NC and strive not to one day at the time. My marriage was dead for three years. You have no idea of the pain for a BS.

If my exWW had simple asked to divorce I would have agreed. (we the a three bedroom for children that never happened.

[Jersey born raised]

The only reason I suggested you tell him what you will need to make it real to him, Realy REAL. If he runs he is a emotional vampire.

 

If you don't currently have the the ability to PM think about buying in. After 30-40 posts it is free. It may be a big help to you share more details with a poster you have developed a close bond with.

 

I will post more on how to swing a '2x4" at a guy and get a great marriage,

In the mean while I will padre a response that shows how an EA in work place. While it was written for the work place, hut the same concepts apply.

 

Work place E/A P/A

 

I have modified a post I read on how an EX can entered back into a spouses life. *A work place relationship cam and often is *a far more dangerous situation to a marriage. *It creates a strong bonding experience of working as a team, developing goals, implementing a plan of a plan of action, overcoming problems, and sharing a successful outcome. *These are common traits in a successful marriage. *

 

A perfect storm is about to happen.*

 

They talk about and basks in their shared success,

They eagerly look forward to working on the next project.*

They begin to discuss their children and how great they are,*

Their families

How you're an excellent parent*

How lucky they are to have such great spouses.*

How you' each of you is a wonderful suppose.*

How great their jobs are.*

But how the job keeps both of *you busy

How the *job keeps you away

How they sometimes feels a little lonely and disconnected

How they sometimes feels a little overburdened because the spouse into*

**pulling their weight.*

How they sometimes feels a little taken for granted

How they *feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to them

How they *feels that you don't ALWAYS understand them.*

How they feel that sometimes you're just "not there" for her

How, okay... Their spouse are not ALWAYS such a wonderful person.*

How they loved working together*

How they wish their spouses where as easy to work together like the *

**two of you.*

How they feel young again

How they find feel appreciated, something their spouses don't do.*

How they feel attractive again

How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to them

How it's been so, so long since their spouses *made them feel that w

Then BOOM their eyes have now been opened

How they *now realizes what *truly wants and needs are *each other*

How they *now realizes that there spouses could NEVER give them that

How insensitive their spruces *can be be some times

How they *can be a real jerks sometimes

How they wonders if they should say married*

How they *now realizes that they never really loved their spouse*

How they *now realizes that they want inna marriage what they have at *

** *Work with each other,*

How they ever could have fallen for a jerk like their spouses*

How their spouses the biggest a++hole she's ever known

How their spouses are *standing in the way of her true happiness

How their spouses ruined their *life

How they *made a big mistake marrying their *spouses*

How they are made an even bigger mistake letting not being with each*

**each other*

How now they see that the two of you are really meant to be together

How they desperately need *to get away from their *spouse*

How they definitely going to leave their spouse*

They are now comparing notes from *talking to divorce lawyers

How they're going to live happily ever after...

 

...get the pic