Particpant to Cheating, What constitutes responsibility?

[preraph]

I agree that it's ultimately the married person responsibility. A single person, or one in an open relationship, has no vested interest the someone else's marriage.

 

Some ppl are oblivious that they are the OM/OW. That said, once they find out, it's not unusual for them to maintain contact. Eventually they MAY cut contact but that usually doesn't happen until they realize the OM/OW is not leaving their spouse. Some wash their hands of the mess and move on while others continue as they were until they get tired of breadcrumbs or get caught.

 

I agree. The other person is often lied to either intentionally or by omission. How many times have you heard that they can't leave their wife because they're unstable or some crap. Once the deed is done, you can still leave. In the one I didn't know was married, the one seems like no one knew was married who was out all the time, I knew him and his brother for 3 years and thought they lived together. Had been over there. I found out when afterwards he said, "I feel guilty." I then tried to alleviate my own guilt by asking him, "Well, you've been going out with other women anyway, right?" Because I knew someone who had been after him and I assumed they had done the deed. But he assured me I was the first, and then I felt really bad. We drifted apart but remained friends. He did continue with the divorce, so at least he was leaving anyway or I'd have felt really crappy about the whole thing. I just don't understand why people don't at least do an official separation first before moving on to another person.

[Jersey born raised]

The posts here are nothing but Aces.

[Gloria25]

Available is as available does. If someone makes themselves available for a relationship, then they're available - whether or not there is a vestigial Marriage certificate hidden in their desk drawer or not.

 

Values differ across and within cultures and societies. Projecting one's own onto others and expecting them to conform to one's own values, without bothering to consider what their values might be, just leads to frustration on both sides. I find eating animals wrong, for many levels, but I accept that not everyone shares my views and I don't try to force my views on others. I live by my values and allow others to live by theirs.

 

I think their point is - that by being a OW/OM, you're somehow responsible for the disruption of someone's marriage and you should take responsibility for that.

 

Yes, I believe that we humans bear a certain responsibility to our communities because no person is an island and believe it or not, our actions, even if it only affects "you" somehow tears a ripple in our society. How? Well, if no one would be a OW/OM, then where would people who want to cheat go to?

 

But, in this world, unfortunately some people will/will not be a OW/OM. So, cheaters will always have somewhere to go. If it wasn't me, they'd go somewhere else - maybe even a prostitute. They may get desperate and commit marital rape. So, how am "I" responsible for a WS decision to cheat?

[Gloria25]

I know this won't go over well, but some people who are serial ow or om are moral relativists.

 

To them, any behavior is acceptable, so long as it benefits them and suits their self-centered "ethical" code.. Mind you, they also squawk the loudest should someone dare to do something that's hurtful to them. Asking them to accept responsibility for the harm they do is pointless, because they'll just retort with " it suits my moral code".

 

.

Of course, not all ow or om are like that, but some serial ones, in my estimation, are as I described above, or they are really broken people who try and soothe their sense of self loathing by telling themselves the must be something special if they can turn the head of a married man. Alternatively, they are incredibly angry at some women who hurt them. Mid you, they will never admit to that, but whatever.

 

As for the idea that has been put forth that "in some cultures, infidelity is accepted", that point is completely irrelevant, unless a particular situation is occurring in that culture.

 

As a somewhat extreme analogy, in some cultures, it's acceptable to physically abuse your wife. Does that mean that a person who lives in western society can use that to excuse or rationalize their behavior?

 

You know, I resent the mentality of some women who think that cuz you're single and/or were a OW at some point that you 'want their man'. Pleeze, get over yourselves already.

 

I friend of a friend. She wouldn't bring her "husband" around parties one of my friend threw out of fear that us single gals would make a move on him. My same gf that threw that party? She was trying to get with this guy and invited me on a trip with them, that fool made moves on "ME". I am not attracted to African-American men - and, wasn't attracted to him either. She started giving me the stink eye and I had to tell her that I date Caucasian guys (which is the truth) to talk her down - which embarrassed me, cuz some people don't take kindly to us dating out of our race.

 

So geesh women, get over yourselves, no one is after your man. And, at the end of the day "he" is responsible for his actions. I've had men turn down having sex with me and we were cool. So, a woman can be shaking her butt in front of a guy and that butt can smell like the finest roses in the world, but at the end of the day "he" is responsible for his actions. And, if you surround yourself by women who you always suspect are gonna make a move on your "precious" man, then get new friends.

 

That's why I went on a rant the other day about my neighbor's wife. Cuz, get over yourself. As if my neighbor has no role in my contact with him and there's these tons of women just banging on her doorstep to destroy their fairytale marriage - when in fact she darn well knew he had propensity towards Black women and "friends" them on social media - to include his skanky ex. So please, get over yourself already and stop blaming other women for problems with the man you chose. It's "his" moral compass that needs to be checked cuz he married you and put a baby in you and is the one opening up himself to OWs. And, quite frankly, "your" moral compass needs to be checked too, cuz you are trying to build this fairytale marriage with a guy you had to strong arm into marriage and then strong arm him into having a baby. IMO, it's morally wrong to force a baby into a weak marriage. So, who's moral compass is worst? The WS? The OW/OM? or the BS - who KNOWINGLY married a guy with issues and got herself knocked up on purpose in hopes to keep him around?

Edited April 16, 2016 by Gloria25

[Gloria25]

I agree. The other person is often lied to either intentionally or by omission. How many times have you heard that they can't leave their wife because they're unstable or some crap. Once the deed is done, you can still leave. In the one I didn't know was married, the one seems like no one knew was married who was out all the time, I knew him and his brother for 3 years and thought they lived together. Had been over there. I found out when afterwards he said, "I feel guilty." I then tried to alleviate my own guilt by asking him, "Well, you've been going out with other women anyway, right?" Because I knew someone who had been after him and I assumed they had done the deed. But he assured me I was the first, and then I felt really bad. We drifted apart but remained friends. He did continue with the divorce, so at least he was leaving anyway or I'd have felt really crappy about the whole thing. I just don't understand why people don't at least do an official separation first before moving on to another person.

 

Because some people are scared to be alone, some don't think they'll ever meet anyone else and the 'devil you know is better than the devil you don't know', and some people want to secure a monkey branch before they let go of the other one. Then, some of them are just lazy and/or "comfortable" - in other words, they may only get sex once a month, but hey, once a month is better than "none" and not enough to break up a family on...besides, they may actually get along with their BS in other areas (aka "roommates")...I mean, it's hard to just walk away from someone you literally created a "life" with. You share bills with them, you have a routine, etc. It's scary and hard to just move on from that - even if it's not perfect.

 

I'm not condoning a WS actions to mislead a OW/OM. I'm just trying to answer your question as to why some of them go into an affair, then get scared and crawl back to the BS.

 

Think about it. The lack of sex and/or affection that drove the WS to cheat creates a "thirst"...the "thirst" results in an affair. Now that the WS thirst is quenched, they start looking at the affair, what they have with the BS, and go back to their BS...they'll probably cheat again cuz when they get thirsty and nothing changes in their marriage, there they go trying to quench the thirst again.

[scorpiogirl]

You know, I resent the mentality of some women who think that cuz you're single and/or were a OW at some point that you 'want their man'. Pleeze, get over yourselves already.

 

I friend of a friend. She wouldn't bring her "husband" around parties one of my friend threw out of fear that us single gals would make a move on him. My same gf that threw that party? She was trying to get with this guy and invited me on a trip with them, that fool made moves on "ME". I am not attracted to African-American men - and, wasn't attracted to him either. She started giving me the stink eye and I had to tell her that I date Caucasian guys (which is the truth) to talk her down - which embarrassed me, cuz some people don't take kindly to us dating out of our race.

 

So geesh women, get over yourselves, no one is after your man. And, at the end of the day "he" is responsible for his actions. I've had men turn down having sex with me and we were cool. So, a woman can be shaking her butt in front of a guy and that butt can smell like the finest roses in the world, but at the end of the day "he" is responsible for his actions. And, if you surround yourself by women who you always suspect are gonna make a move on your "precious" man, then get new friends.

 

That's why I went on a rant the other day about my neighbor's wife. Cuz, get over yourself. As if my neighbor has no role in my contact with him and there's these tons of women just banging on her doorstep to destroy their fairytale marriage - when in fact she darn well knew he had propensity towards Black women and "friends" them on social media - to include his skanky ex. So please, get over yourself already and stop blaming other women for problems with the man you chose. It's "his" moral compass that needs to be checked cuz he married you and put a baby in you and is the one opening up himself to OWs. And, quite frankly, "your" moral compass needs to be checked too, cuz you are trying to build this fairytale marriage with a guy you had to strong arm into marriage and then strong arm him into having a baby. IMO, it's morally wrong to force a baby into a weak marriage. So, who's moral compass is worst? The WS? The OW/OM? or the BS - who KNOWINGLY married a guy with issues and got herself knocked up on purpose in hopes to keep him around?

 

But you seem to be a career Other Woman. Clearly some women are correct in keeping their husbands away from you. It sounds like the only reason you didn't go for the guy in this post, is he was Black.

 

As for your neighbour, you seem to be the only one involved in that relationship. He actually wants nothing to do with you. As a single person having relationships with married men, you're 50% responsible for the problems in the marriage. It's not noble of you to turn SOME married men away and not others. It's all equally sleazy really.

 

The single person is as much to blame if they knowingly sleep with or engage in a relationship with a married person.

[velvette]

Just read a thread where an individual had sex with another, knowing the other had a BF and attempted to claim that he had no responsibility as "he" wasn't the one cheating.

 

My question is: Where is society today if we all take this same approach of complete self interest? Is this truly where our society is, that one can knowlingly participate in a cheating interaction and truly feel that they have no fault or ownership in any wrong doing?

 

Maybe I am just shocked or maybe I just don't want to believe that our society is as morally void of ethics as this might indicate. Very sad if this is where we are.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

 

If you participate in a situation where other people are hurt then you are responsible in part for that hurt.

 

 

If you don't care when your fellow human beings are hurt, then I'm sure its easy to convince yourself you have no responsibility.

 

 

A lot of people don't care as evidenced in this thread.

[ASG]

I'm in the "I wasn't the cheater, so I don't care" camp.

 

I can't even begin to count the amount of guys that made moves on me that weren't single. These days I turn them down, I'd prefer someone who is single, as that can possibly lead to an ACTUAL relationship. But in my younger years I wasn't so discerning.

 

I didn't chase them. I have no responsibility about their relationship. *I'm* not the one potentially causing hurt to their GFs/wives. Their BF/husband is. And as far as I know, no GF/wife was hurt as part of my involvement.

 

In any event, age has definitely played a part. And while I don't think, now, that I am responsible for other people's relationships, I just prefer to not get involved, and thus avoid the potential drama completely.

[OneLov]

Just read a thread where an individual had sex with another, knowing the other had a BF and attempted to claim that he had no responsibility as "he" wasn't the one cheating.

 

My question is: Where is society today if we all take this same approach of complete self interest? Is this truly where our society is, that one can knowlingly participate in a cheating interaction and truly feel that they have no fault or ownership in any wrong doing?

 

Maybe I am just shocked or maybe I just don't want to believe that our society is as morally void of ethics as this might indicate. Very sad if this is where we are.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

That individual is in either serious denial or may not know the difference between "responsibility" and "accountability." The difference is quite subtle but important to this question. Simply put, the WS must be held accountable for the affair, but the OW/M is responsible for it.

 

That poster should read: Accountability vs Responsibility - Difference and Comparison | Diffen

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think wrongness is a spectrum. Theres murder on the one side. In my book, being an OW/OM to a married person is wrong, but not nearly as wrong as being the one breaking the vows you took. Being an OW/ OM to a bf/ gf relationship is no doubt selfish, but not as bad as if the couple were married, in my opinion. Im with beyonce when she says you should have put a ring on it.

[kztar]

I'm in the "I wasn't the cheater, so I don't care" camp.

 

I can't even begin to count the amount of guys that made moves on me that weren't single. These days I turn them down, I'd prefer someone who is single, as that can possibly lead to an ACTUAL relationship. But in my younger years I wasn't so discerning.

 

I didn't chase them. I have no responsibility about their relationship. *I'm* not the one potentially causing hurt to their GFs/wives. Their BF/husband is. And as far as I know, no GF/wife was hurt as part of my involvement.

 

In any event, age has definitely played a part. And while I don't think, now, that I am responsible for other people's relationships, I just prefer to not get involved, and thus avoid the potential drama completely.

 

100% with this.

[wmacbride]

I'm always surprised at the number of people, both men and women, who use the " I was chased/pursued and finally gave in" excuse for either cheating or getting involved with someone in a relationship.

 

Not so surprised at the attitude of "I can do as I like, no matter who it hurts, so long as no one hurts me". That's becoming more and more common.

[wmacbride]

But, in this world, unfortunately some people will/will not be a OW/OM. So, cheaters will always have somewhere to go. If it wasn't me, they'd go somewhere else - maybe even a prostitute. They may get desperate and commit marital rape. So, how am "I" responsible for a WS decision to cheat?

 

OW are doing a public service by keeping husbands from raping their wives?This has got to be one of the most bizarre things I have ever read, and borders on being very offensive to men.

 

Seriously? You really believe that ow are somehow keeping married men on the straight and narrow when it comes to sexual assault? You sure have a low opinion of men.

 

Men who rape women don;t do it because they aren't getting sex. They rape women because the have disordered personalities and enjoy the sense of power over another it gives them. Most mm, even if they aren't getting sex from their spouse, would never, ever rape them.

 

OTOH, men who rape women can be having lots of sex, but will still rape, as it's not the sex that's driving their actions.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I'm in the "I wasn't the cheater, so I don't care" camp.

 

I can't even begin to count the amount of guys that made moves on me that weren't single. These days I turn them down, I'd prefer someone who is single, as that can possibly lead to an ACTUAL relationship. But in my younger years I wasn't so discerning.

 

I didn't chase them. I have no responsibility about their relationship. *I'm* not the one potentially causing hurt to their GFs/wives. Their BF/husband is. And as far as I know, no GF/wife was hurt as part of my involvement.

 

In any event, age has definitely played a part. And while I don't think, now, that I am responsible for other people's relationships, I just prefer to not get involved, and thus avoid the potential drama completely.

 

This thought process has so many holes.

 

Whether or not one did/did not do the "chasing" really doesn't matter.....one made themselves available.

 

It isn't potential hurt....it is hurt. An affair is hurtful and disrespectful.

 

If one doesn't stick around to see the fall out....does it mean it didn't happen? (If a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound?).

 

If one admits they were involved....does it not also mean they bear responsibility?

 

It truly is sad to see so many adults with child reasoning.

[Liam1]

Methodical...I get where you are coming from but I am looking at this from one's own since of what is the "right and ethical thing to do." I would like to think that if I had an interest in another person and that she was interested in me, that once i found out she was involved / exclusively whether by marriage or committed relationship that I'd back off. Not from anything relating to her obligation but as a since of who i am and what I stand for....I am looking for feedback as to what would those who read this do. I am not looking for the "who holds the most responsibility" in this situation. My thinking is that we are who we define ourselves as, and we control that by our actions not by being in a situation where we may be pointing a finger saying, they're worse than me.....

 

 

I am not looking for the "who holds the most responsibility" in this situation.

 

My thinking is that we are who we define ourselves as, and we control that by our actions not by being in a situation where we may be pointing a finger saying, they're worse than me.

 

I agree. We are who we define ourselves as. So following that logic only the person engaging in the action can make a decision about whether that action is right or wrong in the grand scheme of the universe.

 

The morals and values and ethics of society at large continually changes with time and new generations.

 

For example, another poster mentioned not eating meat. I, too, refuse to eat meat because I watch undercover videos of animals, both adults and babies, being beaten and abused at factory farms. It all seems unethical and immoral to my way of thinking.

 

Still, I realize that I can not force that sense of outrage over those actions onto everyone in our society who continues to eat meat.

 

It is up to me to define the action as negative or positive and act accordingly.

It's not up to me to force those behaviors onto everyone else nor to judge them.

 

As far as having an affair with another human. A human is a living creature with free will. Having an affair with a married person is not like stealing a bicycle from someone.

 

A human can not, without force, take another human away from someone in any way shape or form.

 

A bicycle is a possession and stealing a possession is against the law.

 

A human is not a possession. Infidelity is not against the law.

 

Not every spouse who finds out another spouse is having an affair is hurt.

 

They may feel disrespected, or jealous or angry. But hurt? Maybe, but not always. It depends on how the infidelity was conducted.

 

IMO, a lot more people are hurt by a sudden unexpected divorce. Particularly dependent spouses and children. The divorce often propels the dependent spouse and their children into poverty.

 

Sometimes if the wife initiates the divorce, and gets custody of the kids, the husband is hurt by losing regular contact with his children, when she remarries and moves away.

 

So, to me, divorcing a spouse who does not want a divorce or does not expect one is a truly hurtful thing to do. But our society accepts divorce, in this century, even though it destroys families and may make one spouse live in poverty. Go figure!

 

Another person can not steal a human being by engaging in an affair with them if free will is involved. Humans are not possessions. They make their own decisions.

 

A human is not a possession that can be discarded and locked in a closet.

 

They come and go as they please.

 

Also, maybe the person in engaging in the affair has been hurt or neglected or discarded metaphorically by the spouse and that may be the reason they seek solace in another human. You may think offering and accepting the solace offered is unethical or immoral, but not everyone does.

 

As you say, each person is responsible for the way they define themselves, regarding ALL the behaviors they engage in. With that I agree.

[wmacbride]

If someone wants to live their life thinking like a moral relativist, fine. You don't want others to force their moral views on to you, fair enough, but please have the same courtesy for others. If you don't value marriage, don't get married, but please at least have enough respect for other people's marriages to move on.

 

Unless you have some sort of mental health issue or disordered personality, you are not forced to submit to the advances of a married person. One can say "no". You always have a choice.

 

If you don't care if the person is married or not, at least own that. Own the fact that you have engaged in behavior that hurt another person. if you can;t face that, maybe , instead of trying to tie yourself up in knots making it okay, then accept the fact that your ut is trying to tell you something, and listen to it.

 

The notion that "if it wasn't me, then it would have been someone else" is irrelevant. It wasn't someone else. It was you.

[wmacbride]

I agree. We are who we define ourselves as. So following that logic only the person engaging in the action can make a decision about whether that action is right or wrong in the grand scheme of the universe.

 

The morals and values and ethics of society at large continually changes with time and new generations.

 

For example, another poster mentioned not eating meat. I, too, refuse to eat meat because I watch undercover videos of animals, both adults and babies, being beaten and abused at factory farms. It all seems unethical and immoral to my way of thinking.

 

Still, I realize that I can not force that sense of outrage over those actions onto everyone in our society who continues to eat meat.

 

It is up to me to define the action as negative or positive and act accordingly.

It's not up to me to force those behaviors onto everyone else nor to judge them.

 

As far as having an affair with another human. A human is a living creature with free will. Having an affair with a married person is not like stealing a bicycle from someone.

 

A human can not, without force, take another human away from someone in any way shape or form.

 

A bicycle is a possession and stealing a possession is against the law.

 

A human is not a possession. Infidelity is not against the law.

 

Not every spouse who finds out another spouse is having an affair is hurt.

 

They may feel disrespected, or jealous or angry. But hurt? Maybe, but not always. It depends on how the infidelity was conducted.

 

IMO, a lot more people are hurt by a sudden unexpected divorce. Particularly dependent spouses and children. The divorce often propels the dependent spouse and their children into poverty.

 

Sometimes if the wife initiates the divorce, and gets custody of the kids, the husband is hurt by losing regular contact with his children, when she remarries and moves away.

 

So, to me, divorcing a spouse who does not want a divorce or does not expect one is a truly hurtful thing to do. But our society accepts divorce, in this century, even though it destroys families and may make one spouse live in poverty. Go figure!

 

Another person can not steal a human being by engaging in an affair with them if free will is involved. Humans are not possessions. They make their own decisions.

 

A human is not a possession that can be discarded and locked in a closet.

 

They come and go as they please.

 

Also, maybe the person in engaging in the affair has been hurt or neglected or discarded metaphorically by the spouse and that may be the reason they seek solace in another human. You may think offering and accepting the solace offered is unethical or immoral, but not everyone does.

 

As you say, each person is responsible for the way they define themselves, regarding ALL the behaviors they engage in. With that I agree.

 

You are engaging in some very faulty logic.

 

Saying that having an affair is better that suddenly asking for a divorce because divorce is harmful , can hurt both spouses and the children, etc. makes no sense, as having an affair greatly increases the risk of getting a divorce.

 

In spite of what some ws and om/ow believe, affairs are also very hurtful to children. While mom or dad may think they are successfully hiding it, kids aren't stupid, and ca figure it out. If you have no children, you have no idea how much it can hurt them.

[ASG]

I'm always surprised at the number of people, both men and women, who use the " I was chased/pursued and finally gave in" excuse for either cheating or getting involved with someone in a relationship.

 

Not so surprised at the attitude of "I can do as I like, no matter who it hurts, so long as no one hurts me". That's becoming more and more common.

 

I didn't "finally give in". I was chased and accepted their advances. They didn't wear me down. I made a choice. That if they didn't care about their relationship, then neither did I, because I have no responsibility toward it.

 

This thought process has so many holes.

 

Whether or not one did/did not do the "chasing" really doesn't matter.....one made themselves available.

 

It isn't potential hurt....it is hurt. An affair is hurtful and disrespectful.

 

If one doesn't stick around to see the fall out....does it mean it didn't happen? (If a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound?).

 

If one admits they were involved....does it not also mean they bear responsibility?

 

It truly is sad to see so many adults with child reasoning.

 

I didn't make myself available. I was available. By being single. So when someone makes advances on me I weigh them up and decide, based on my level of interest.

 

At times it was because I thought they'd realise I was much better than their other half and break it off to be with me. It happened a couple of times and with age and experience I came to realise that that was misguided.

Other times I just really thought they were hot. And why the hell not?

 

In recent years I know I've slept with people who were taken/married, but I wasn't aware until after the fact. One such guy told me a few days later "er... did I mention that I have a gf??" He hadn't. He chased me for a while after, but I declined any further involvement. Another had said he was divorced... he is a public figure, so his personal life is kinda splattered everywhere and from what I can tell, he is still married.. So I think I was had on that occasion.

 

 

And yes, it is POTENTIAL hurt. because if they don't find out, they're not hurt. In this case, the tree does NOT make a sound if noone is there so see it fall.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I agree. We are who we define ourselves as. So following that logic only the person engaging in the action can make a decision about whether that action is right or wrong in the grand scheme of the universe.

 

The morals and values and ethics of society at large continually changes with time and new generations.

 

For example, another poster mentioned not eating meat. I, too, refuse to eat meat because I watch undercover videos of animals, both adults and babies, being beaten and abused at factory farms. It all seems unethical and immoral to my way of thinking.

 

Still, I realize that I can not force that sense of outrage over those actions onto everyone in our society who continues to eat meat.

 

It is up to me to define the action as negative or positive and act accordingly.

It's not up to me to force those behaviors onto everyone else nor to judge them.

 

As far as having an affair with another human. A human is a living creature with free will. Having an affair with a married person is not like stealing a bicycle from someone.

 

A human can not, without force, take another human away from someone in any way shape or form.

 

A bicycle is a possession and stealing a possession is against the law.

 

A human is not a possession. Infidelity is not against the law.

 

Not every spouse who finds out another spouse is having an affair is hurt.

 

They may feel disrespected, or jealous or angry. But hurt? Maybe, but not always. It depends on how the infidelity was conducted.

 

IMO, a lot more people are hurt by a sudden unexpected divorce. Particularly dependent spouses and children. The divorce often propels the dependent spouse and their children into poverty.

 

Sometimes if the wife initiates the divorce, and gets custody of the kids, the husband is hurt by losing regular contact with his children, when she remarries and moves away.

 

So, to me, divorcing a spouse who does not want a divorce or does not expect one is a truly hurtful thing to do. But our society accepts divorce, in this century, even though it destroys families and may make one spouse live in poverty. Go figure!

 

Another person can not steal a human being by engaging in an affair with them if free will is involved. Humans are not possessions. They make their own decisions.

 

A human is not a possession that can be discarded and locked in a closet.

 

They come and go as they please.

 

Also, maybe the person in engaging in the affair has been hurt or neglected or discarded metaphorically by the spouse and that may be the reason they seek solace in another human. You may think offering and accepting the solace offered is unethical or immoral, but not everyone does.

 

As you say, each person is responsible for the way they define themselves, regarding ALL the behaviors they engage in. With that I agree.

 

 

I disagree that only the person engaged in a behaviour gets to decide if it is right or wrong. All civilizations have decided what is right/wrong.....through out the history of man. There has always been consequences for wrong decisions. That is not to say that the person who engaged in the action did or did not view it as wrong for them.

 

I have not read a post or the position that a betrayed person felt that the AP stole their WS.

 

It is not the "stealing" of another human being. It is the betrayal of the respect, esteem, relationship, family, sense of self and reality that is at the heart and soul of the BS. It is the lack of regard of the emotional and physical well being of another human being.

 

Feeling disrespected, angry or jealousy.....is a way someone NAMES the specific hurt. Hurt does not stand alone....it is rooted in something.....it is tied to another feeling/action. The word hurt covers many things. To say "I acknowledge that I disrespected someone but I never actually hurt them"....is a lack of understanding what it means to be disrespected.

 

I fail to see how divorcing is more hurtful than an affair....now puts an affair in a positive light.

 

Of course a divorce is painful, hurtful and includes many losses. However, it does not trump the pain, hurtfulness or losses involved in an affair. It would be akin to saying...would you prefer I stab you with a knife or a fork.....I think most would say neither thank you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I didn't "finally give in". I was chased and accepted their advances. They didn't wear me down. I made a choice. That if they didn't care about their relationship, then neither did I, because I have no responsibility toward it.

 

 

 

I didn't make myself available. I was available. By being single. So when someone makes advances on me I weigh them up and decide, based on my level of interest.

 

At times it was because I thought they'd realise I was much better than their other half and break it off to be with me. It happened a couple of times and with age and experience I came to realise that that was misguided.

Other times I just really thought they were hot. And why the hell not?

 

In recent years I know I've slept with people who were taken/married, but I wasn't aware until after the fact. One such guy told me a few days later "er... did I mention that I have a gf??" He hadn't. He chased me for a while after, but I declined any further involvement. Another had said he was divorced... he is a public figure, so his personal life is kinda splattered everywhere and from what I can tell, he is still married.. So I think I was had on that occasion.

 

 

And yes, it is POTENTIAL hurt. because if they don't find out, they're not hurt. In this case, the tree does NOT make a sound if noone is there so see it fall.

 

 

Being single does not equate to being available to have sex with married persons. Being single does not mean that one has sex with anyone who wants to have sex with us. We make ourselves available to the other person by agreeing or letting them know we will.

 

Does a yeast infection not make a sound....or missing funds from a bank account...or a child asking where Daddy is....or an STD?

[ASG]

Being single does not equate to being available to have sex with married persons. Being single does not mean that one has sex with anyone who wants to have sex with us. We make ourselves available to the other person by agreeing or letting them know we will.

 

Does a yeast infection not make a sound....or missing funds from a bank account...or a child asking where Daddy is....or an STD?

 

You are right. Being single does not equate having sex with anyone. Which is why I said I would weigh it up and decide, depending on my level of interest.

 

There have been times when my level of interest outweighed the fact they weren't single. These days, not so much.

[Liam1]

I was chased and accepted their advances. They didn't wear me down. I made a choice. That if they didn't care about their relationship, then neither did I, because I have no responsibility toward it.

 

 

I agree.

 

Obviously, too, the majority of the time, a person engages in infidelity because they are unhappy about something in the marriage, and the OW or OM did not cause that something that is wrong, their own spouse did and may be deaf and blind to the problems or simply refuse to address them.

 

A spouse is not a slave. If they are unhappy, they have the right to the pursuit of happiness.

 

If person has an affair, and their spouse is unhappy about that, they, too, have the right to pursue their own happiness.

[2.50 a gallon]

When I was in the dating game I found that when I met a woman I was attracted to I just expected that in most cases she already had a BF.

But that did not stop me.

My thoughts were who knows when we might meet again, and what would be the chances that she no longer had a boy friend.

That was the case when I met my current GF of 20 years. Just think of what I might have missed.

She works retail, and is hit on quite regularly, that is just part of life.

[kztar]

If you participate in a situation where other people are hurt then you are responsible in part for that hurt.

 

 

If you don't care when your fellow human beings are hurt, then I'm sure its easy to convince yourself you have no responsibility.

 

 

A lot of people don't care as evidenced in this thread.

 

I sure don't. Im sure alotttt of people don't care about how I would feel so why should I care ?.

 

Think about it. If the tables were turned, what percentage of people would care about hurting you when they don't even know you?. Not many.

[love1336x]

"Just read a thread where an individual had sex with another, knowing the other had a BF and attempted to claim that he had no responsibility as "he" wasn't the one cheating"

 

Why should this person care about HIS boyfriend? If this person not related to them, thennnnn it's free game. The person who is cheating should take full responsibility because there are the one who is CHOOSING to be a dirt bag. It's there responsible not to hurt this person. The person who "helping" with the cheating isn't doing anything wrong. They are not raping this person. They are getting what they want.