westernxer Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO Cause once you've stopped looking for a relationship, that's usually when a relationship ends up finding you. Then he'll wish he were single again. Link to post Share on other sites
browneyes22 Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Westernxer is on the money here Hopelessone...DO NOT become friends with women like you have been. DON'T put their feeling first 'cause that is what you are doing by being nice to them...put YOUR feeling first. We are all guilty of doing this at one point or another. I think the only way you will gain confidence in how you carry yourself with women is through women. I suggest you start womenizing now. This is the total opposite to what you have been doing and sounds like what you need. So stop approaching these girls that go out with a**h***s as a friend and start approaching them as just another a**h***. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessOne Posted June 24, 2005 Author Share Posted June 24, 2005 Now I honestly, I like that solution lot. Unfortunately there is one thing wrong with it. I can honestly say that I would love to do the man-whore thing. But it has never been my thing. If I can reprogram myself to do it, I will. Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Maybe you want to switch to guys. That would be the alternative to going off women. Doesn't sound good to you. Then get back in the fray and quit whining. Rome wasn't built in a day. You have to take some risks to achieve what you want in life. Peace... Link to post Share on other sites
browneyes22 Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Hopelessone...that's fine. You shouldn't have to do that if it's not your thing. But I think we are in all agreement here that you need to go as far away as possible from what you have been doing. Obviously women see you only as a friend for a reason. You need to figure out why that is. You don't have to be ultra nice to girls all the time, even though you are nice person. For the ones you are interested in, just give them a glimps or who you are. If they are interested in what they see, they will want to dig deeper below the barrier you've created. Don't give them everything at once... If your not up to womenizing that's fine. But if I had a shot at doing this I would. It would make me not worry about the same stuff your worrying about. Sounds crass but it's the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
browneyes22 Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 woops- Accidentally posted twice. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Sounds like you're one of my friends. I have a guy friend who has lots of crushes on all his girl friends. His problem, he becomes friends with the girl first, then develops a crush on them. Unfortunately, by that time, they all see him as a friend, and confide in him their secrets. I told him he needs to meet a new girl, and NOT become friends with her, but to show her he's interested. He told me he doesnt know he's interested until he becomes friends with her. Catch-22 heh Dont swear off women. Just swear off the shallow ones Honestly, just be comfortable being by yourself, dont eagerly look for a relationship. I've seen it happen with everyone I know. It seems when you stop "looking", the other person comes. I know it's hard to understand, but you'll know it when you stop looking, stop being bitter, and just be comfortable doing things with your friends. Not being a womanizer is a huge turn on But being bitter and saying all women are shallow is a big turn off Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessOne Posted June 24, 2005 Author Share Posted June 24, 2005 DGiirl, I have to admit, since my original posting, I have felt a little but more at ease around women. I guess it is the relief of not having to try so hard, or at least the effort I used to perceive. Either way, I am going to take everyones advice and from now on just live. I need to reach a level of security within myself. I know I can offer a woman a good man, but until I am cool with myself, I am no good with anyone. I will be okay, but I can see now that I pretty much had my tongue out dragging on the ground. Time now to get out of 4th and place it in Neutral and coast for a while. I guess the applicable phrase here is, "whatever happens, happens." I do feel this will be an ongoing process that will take some time to adjust but I feel I NEED to do this in order to be happier that I have been. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted June 24, 2005 Share Posted June 24, 2005 Trust me, I know it's frustrating when you want to be in a relationship and noone seems to be interested. I've been there before and am experiencing it myself now. This, i believe, is desperation, and for some reason, people just sense it and want nothing to do with it. I've experienced it before, was single for two years, then I finally decided to give it all up, and I became truely happy with being alone. I actually _wanted_ to be alone, became really confident in myself, and then ended up meeting my stbxh. It was instant chemistry in the beginning, and we ended up getting married. (now he's an ass, but that's another story lol). Many of my friends have had similar experiences (who are still happily married) You're still hurt from your past relationship. But you have to remember that not every girl is your ex, so dont cast the stones at all of us Besides if we're going to be single, might as well be happy about it. Plus the nice thing about being single, you dont have to impress anyone, and you dont have anyone bitch at you about the things that piss them off. I'm really trying hard to find that inner confidence again. I know it worked once before, I'm sure it'll work again. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 25, 2005 Share Posted June 25, 2005 Originally posted by HopelessOne DGiirl, I have to admit, since my original posting, I have felt a little but more at ease around women. I guess it is the relief of not having to try so hard, or at least the effort I used to perceive. Either way, I am going to take everyones advice and from now on just live. I need to reach a level of security within myself. I know I can offer a woman a good man, but until I am cool with myself, I am no good with anyone. I will be okay, but I can see now that I pretty much had my tongue out dragging on the ground. Time now to get out of 4th and place it in Neutral and coast for a while. I guess the applicable phrase here is, "whatever happens, happens." I do feel this will be an ongoing process that will take some time to adjust but I feel I NEED to do this in order to be happier that I have been. Counseling and self-help books (on self esteem) are the way to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessOne Posted June 25, 2005 Author Share Posted June 25, 2005 ConfusedintheOC, You will be happy to know that I have recieved my copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy." So far, alot of what the author is saying is true about me. I never realized all of this. I figured I would give an update, and say thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Originally posted by HopelessOne ConfusedintheOC, You will be happy to know that I have recieved my copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy." So far, alot of what the author is saying is true about me. I never realized all of this. I figured I would give an update, and say thank you. You're welcome. I am glad you took the plunge. Please pay no attention to the "nay sayers" of books and therapy. Any avenue that you feel might, just MIGHT help you break the cycle and gain healthy self-esteem should be pursued. Some people, very few indeed, can "fix themselves" because we're very biased when it comes to our own selves. Sometimes, just admitting you have a problem is very difficult. Reading the book will help you identify your problem areas. However, that said, I do highly suggest you read a few "recommended" books from Amazon on self-esteem. Accepting you have a problem is the first step. Dedicating yourself to fixing it is the second. The reason I recommend the books is simply because if you gain only one bit of knowledge to help build healthy self-esteem, it was well worth it. For me, I've probably gone a bit over-board. 7 books already and (at the end a total of) 20 weeks of Counseling. Why? Because I am TIRED of being a door-mat and I know I offer so, so much to the right woman. I had everything I needed, I just lacked healthy self-esteem and a comfortable level of masculinity. But now I have found the "balance" necessary so I feel like in a month or so I'll be ready to date again. If you give the books (and some Counseling) some time (changing your perception of yourself takes time) you will see improvement. For me, I feel it will be a lifetime challenge. Like lifting weights, you need to work at it constantly to get to the level you want to be at and then you just need to switch to light weights and cardio to maintain that physique. So goes it with your self-esteem. Work hard to change your perception then all you will need is the occasional "refresher" to maintain it. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
katiebour Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Hey Hopeless, Hope that the book works for you. I've read some self-help books at different points as well, and sometimes the insights they offer can be really valuable. I went out on two or three dates with a guy who was a "nice guy." We had similar interests, and he wasn't bad-looking. At first I was excited to meet him and get to know him, but he seemed very insecure. He would say something, then follow it up with "But I'm sure I'm wrong and I'm sure I messed that up." He was constantly apologizing for "screwing up," and although I honestly liked him and everything he did just fine, I had to spend a good portion of each date reassuring him that he hadn't upset me for some non-existent reason. He never made any physical move on me (motivated by the fact, I'm sure, that he thought he'd screw it up and upset me) and so I wasn't even sure if he was physically attracted to me or not. By the last date, he had found out he was moving away for a job, and so couldn't continue to see me. I was glad, because by that point, I wanted to date someone more confident and self-assured, and I could do so without having to reiterate why I wasn't interested in him. The next guy I dated was refreshingly secure in himself. He made a reasonable attempt to please me (a one-question "how does this sound to you?" "fine." "great." end of conversation) but didn't obsess over it or make me constantly reassure him that he was doing a good job. He walked with me, talked with me, asked me questions about myself, talked a bit about himself, and we had a great time. At the end of the date he took the bull by the horns and kissed me- which was just lovely. He didn't leave me wondering if he was attracted to me or not. He seemed happy with himself and his life, and as a result, I was happy to be with him. I was sad when I had to move away- we had had about 12 dates by then and I really liked him. He was open and honest about his feelings, and about the fact that he liked me, and it was a good experience all-around. Basically, it boils down to this: If you want me to like you, then you must like you! Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
BigB Posted June 26, 2005 Share Posted June 26, 2005 Good post katiebour, you hit the nail on the head. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedInOC Posted June 27, 2005 Share Posted June 27, 2005 Originally posted by katiebour If you want me to like you, then you must like you! ....exactly what "No More Mr. Nice Guy" teaches and as I am finding, every book I have read on relationships preaches the same. It's all in my siggy (Good post!) Link to post Share on other sites
overlord72 Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Hi, I was surfing the web when I came upon this forum. I feel I have alot of similarities with hopeless. I never dated in school. I tried later but never succeeded. I talk to women but none ever had an interest in me. My family moved around a lot and I never been comfortable around strangers. I was treated as an outsider in every school. Eventually I joined the National Guard during my junior year on the hopes of getting a college education. I never did get it and my G.I Bill ran out. After my initial enlistment period was up, I joined the Army out in Fort Lewis. I was hoping my life would be in an upswing. It was more like a lateral shift in life. I got more experience in the military as a light infantryman, unfortunately my experience with women is a bitter one. As a soldier, women seemed to be more interested in my money than me. I gave up the bar scene. It was going nowhere. I made a lot of friends over the years. One of my better friends joined the Special Forces and got married. I got flagged for being overweight and got another honorable discharge. Now, feeling pretty darned discouraged, since I had no prospects. I did a few chatrooms but got kicked out alot due to my negative outlook on life. Most of my friends has bad experiences with women. That kind of colored my outlook towards the 'fairer' sex. Trust me I heard it all (at least I heard alot). Be yourself. Don't look and it will happen when you least expect it. Live your life. I wondered if I am missing out on something wonderful when I see couples come and go. I am the guy who cannot get laid at an SCA event. Yes, I am a bitter, bitter young man who spends a large amount of time in the dark abyss of thought. I do a fair amount of reading and one book in particular stands out for me. It is called the Four Agreements. They are rather simple and I try to live up to them. I know this is long-winded and going nowhere so here is what I come up with after a lifetime of failing to get a girlfriend. I spent way too much energy in a fruitless endeavor in regards to women. I know I am worth it, I am a great person. If they don't see any value in me, then I don't need them. Women are not a validation for your life. Play games, enjoy life. If I happen to live all my life alone, oh well. At least I have friends, my games and my books. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessOne Posted September 5, 2005 Author Share Posted September 5, 2005 Well, it has been some time since that original post. I ordered some books and honestly nothing feels like it is different. I have no idea how I can make myself more attractive to the ladies, or God forbid talk to one. I think I am starting to feel like Andy from 40 Year Old Virgin. I am not a virgin, but the sentiments that I share with him are the feelings of well, if it hasn't happened by now, it probably will not happen so why worry about it. A couple of people earlier suggested counseling. What would that accomplish? I don't want to sound like a moron, but what would a counselor tell me that I either don't know or haven't heard already? Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted September 5, 2005 Share Posted September 5, 2005 what would a counselor tell me that I either don't know or haven't heard already Plenty. Unless you can honestly believe you know everything there is to know. Why not go see one and find out for yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted September 5, 2005 Share Posted September 5, 2005 I have no idea how I can make myself more attractive to the ladies, or God forbid talk to one. I don't want to sound like a moron, but what would a counselor tell me that I either don't know or haven't heard already? Spot the logical inconsistency between these 2 statements... You have 2 routes you can go here. Stay proud, blame the women, don't change, be unhappy. Or you can humble yourself, learn, ask for help, get counselling and have a decent shot at sorting this out. Your call. Link to post Share on other sites
EIN Posted September 5, 2005 Share Posted September 5, 2005 like this one time, I went with a girl who invited me to her house for a sleepover. Now its not what you think. Since I too am a nice guy and just knowing her for like 1 week, I decided to sleep in the sofa the whole night (we watched a movie and talked before). After that night, we talked over the phone for like another two week (me trying to get to know her more) and then she started to ignore my calls and I asked why and no responses. I found out from her friends that in the second half of the week, she met Mr. Mercedez at a bar and decided to hang out with him thus leaving me high and dry. Long story short (found this from her friends) : she ditched me and went with Mr. Mercedez, (he slept with her for a good week then dumped her, I was there when she called her friend to let him know that he just dumped her). Now me, the nice guy, waited a few weeks before trying to contact her and rebuild the relationship and she started to get off on me saying that I did not cared about her and did not want to talk to me again. I was like Hello, I was not the one who went off to Mr.Mercedez and who ignored me when I tried to call? but you know what, I still believe I'll find the one, just not that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted September 6, 2005 Share Posted September 6, 2005 Awhhh but there are girls who want you for who you are and not whats in your wallet. I happen to be ONE of those women who wants chemistry and love and passion. You can keep your money So what do you think about that ? How does that change your theory ? NOT all women are gold diggers Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 6, 2005 Share Posted September 6, 2005 1) Smile a lot! 2) Laugh at everything that is supposed to be funny! 3) Look straight in their eyes! 4) (Learn to) dance! 5) Smell good! 6) Watch your body posture and the way you walk! 7) Dress nicely! 8) Have a cool hair style! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted September 6, 2005 Share Posted September 6, 2005 Also : Feel confident in bed Be Romantic Be generous with your time Don't talk to us about your failed x's , or x gf's . We don't want to know...at least I don't. Its like a red flag that something has not healed in you. Link to post Share on other sites
thegame Posted September 6, 2005 Share Posted September 6, 2005 but sometimes they ask and they will get upset if you dont tell them Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 7, 2005 Share Posted September 7, 2005 but sometimes they ask and they will get upset if you dont tell them Oh, c'mon, Mary didn't say you shouldn't answer questions. But don't call your ex-GFs sweet names like "bitch" or "idiot". You can explain the situation with a few neutral sentences. I usually say that my ex-husband was not right for me, there was incompatibility in mentality, upbringing, education, etc. plus he expected me to replace the mother to his daughter while he was spending most of the time with her, he was also a materialist, etc. The dirty stuff about him I tell later. While a woman could actually say "Ugh.. don't ask me about my ex, he was a scum-bag" cuz you instantly imagine someone who beat her, cheated, lied, drank, etc., when a guy says bad things about his ex-partners it NEVER sounds good. Keep it short and non-judgmental. Link to post Share on other sites
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