Struggling with deal breakers

[JersyGal]

How do you deal with deal breakers?

 

Before you get married, do you type up a list of known deal

breakers and present them to your potential mate?

 

Do you have to include everything like what if you abandon me

in a foreign country after you frame me for a crime I did not commit?

 

I am asking because I am struggling with my marriage. I did not

give my husband a sheet of deal breakers but I tried my best with

questions, spending time with, getting to know, expressing myself

concerning things. Isn't that what we do?

 

He continues to do the same thing now over and over which has

always been a deal breaker to me. I have tried to explain how much

it bothers me and how upset it makes me and he sees me crying all

the time. But, he continues to hide it.

 

I am thinking I did something wrong at the beginning. I don't know how

to handle this and I am about ready to just ask for a divorce.

I have tried to be nice, I have tried to be straight forward. It does not work.

 

After 20 years of marriage, where I was certain I knew who he was

and now this starts and I realize I did not know him. I feel guilty like I

have done something wrong.

 

Am I making any sense?

[d0nnivain]

When did your husband start engaging in these behaviors you consider to be deal breakers & how long have they been going on?

 

 

If they were really deal breakers, you'd be gone already, now wouldn't you? Instead they are annoyances you don't like.

 

 

So you either have to find a way to deal with the behavior or you have to walk away because at this point the only think you know for sure is that his behavior is not going to change no matter how many times you ask him to stop.

[oldshirt]

 

He continues to do the same thing now over and over which has

always been a deal breaker to me. I have tried to explain how much

it bothers me and how upset it makes me and he sees me crying all

the time. But, he continues to hide it.

.

 

Am I making any sense?

 

 

 

No you are not.

 

 

Whatever it is that you are talking about is obviously not a deal breaker because no deal has been broken. you are still there.

 

 

Whatever this thing is that he is doing, you are accepting it over and over and over, so it is obviously not really a deal breaker.

[len51]

What we did was make up our own rules for marriage. I call it monogamish. Having had one previous fiancee and then a girlfriend, cheat on me, along with seeing how my friends, co-workers and siblings were cheating on their spouses, my view of monogamy was not very good. I knew that love, attraction and desire are all chemical reactions in our brain. You cannot think love into or out of existence. You cannot will yourself to not be attracted to others. I allowed for the human condition.

 

I did not want an open marriage as I saw that fail with our best friends and a few others. I also did not want strict monogamy. So our deal was that the occasional sex with others would not be a deal breaker as long as it was the exception and not the rule. I even encouraged my once virgin bride to experience sex with others because sooner or later she would be very curious about how sex is without me.

 

Turns out that she is not interested in other men, just women. I even gave her the OK to have her girlfriend move in with us for most of our 40+ year marriage. It actually worked out very well for us. Her girlfriend fit into our life perfectly and ended up sharing me with my wife. As you can see, we made our own marriage rules and while all our traditional friends and family were busy hating their ex spouses, we had a wonderful marriage.

 

A friend once asked me how did I know that my wife was not having sex with other men every day. Aside from the fact that she prefers woman for sex, I told him that whether she did or did not, I still have my great marriage so who cares.

[JersyGal]

Let me clarify --

 

It's been a deal breaker with every other relationship and yes, I have

abruptly ended relationships before for this behavior but typically

they lasted less than a year, usually much less.

 

This is the first time I have expended and invested this much time

and effort into any person or relationship.

 

I guess you're right it's not a deal breaker anymore but it is breaking

my heart.

 

I'm just going to have to deal with it.

 

Thank you.

[Gemma1]

What we did was make up our own rules for marriage. I call it monogamish. Having had one previous fiancee and then a girlfriend, cheat on me, along with seeing how my friends, co-workers and siblings were cheating on their spouses, my view of monogamy was not very good. I knew that love, attraction and desire are all chemical reactions in our brain. You cannot think love into or out of existence. You cannot will yourself to not be attracted to others. I allowed for the human condition.

 

I did not want an open marriage as I saw that fail with our best friends and a few others. I also did not want strict monogamy. So our deal was that the occasional sex with others would not be a deal breaker as long as it was the exception and not the rule. I even encouraged my once virgin bride to experience sex with others because sooner or later she would be very curious about how sex is without me.

 

Turns out that she is not interested in other men, just women. I even gave her the OK to have her girlfriend move in with us for most of our 40+ year marriage. It actually worked out very well for us. Her girlfriend fit into our life perfectly and ended up sharing me with my wife. As you can see, we made our own marriage rules and while all our traditional friends and family were busy hating their ex spouses, we had a wonderful marriage.

 

A friend once asked me how did I know that my wife was not having sex with other men every day. Aside from the fact that she prefers woman for sex, I told him that whether she did or did not, I still have my great marriage so who cares.

 

I'm sorry but what does this have to do with the OP? You don't even know what her deal breaker is.

 

OP - I think it might help us if you tell a bit more about the problem in your marriage. But to answer your very general question here, no, there's no way you can ask every little thing that could possibly be a deal breaker.

[JersyGal]

Alcohol abuse and drug dependency.

 

I was in a marriage before where he hid his alcohol problems.

We were together 3 years and the last 2 were hell. He

sold everything we owned to pay for his habits and I ended

up alone with nearly nothing and had to start over.

 

Since then if I would dated anyone that seems to

have a problem with alcohol or drugs I just ran the other way.

 

And, sadly, many people have this problem. Sometimes it seems

I am the only one that doesn't. Though I know that is not the case.

 

Though not everyone I have dated had these issues. Sometimes

I ended up being not what they were looking for or we mutually

decided we just weren't a good fit for whatever reason.

And once time I dated someone for about a year and he cheated

with his ex-wife and so that ended that.

 

 

My husband never showed any signs of these problems when we

dated for 2 years.

 

Now he is abusing prescription drugs and it's been a big problem for

me.

Edited April 17, 2016 by JersyGal

[Gemma1]

Hmm, addiction is tough. My parents are alcoholics so I know a little of your pain.

 

Is he being prescribed these drugs or is he getting them on the street? Did he just recently start? I think maybe it's time for an ultimatum. Have him served with papers and then give him the option of signing them or checking himself into rehab. If he refuses rehab, and would rather divorce, then I think you have your answer.

[JersyGal]

Hmm, addiction is tough. My parents are alcoholics so I know a little of your pain.

 

Is he being prescribed these drugs or is he getting them on the street? Did he just recently start? I think maybe it's time for an ultimatum. Have him served with papers and then give him the option of signing them or checking himself into rehab. If he refuses rehab, and would rather divorce, then I think you have your answer.

 

 

I agree. He already went through rehab. It didn't take.

 

It's just. 20 years. It's tough.

 

But I agree. Thank you.

[Honourably honest]

Is he still there, or is he lost in the fog? You need to decide if he will take your hand and help him back. If he's not coming back, then it's time to call it. You deserve a life too, not living yours to assist him.

Easy to say, but the most fifficult thing to do. Be strong, and you will get through this.

[PegNosePete]

I am about ready to just ask for a divorce.

One does not ask for a divorce. One files for a divorce with the court.

 

Are you thinking that asking him for a divorce will give him the kick up the bum that he requires in order to fix himself? Using a divorce as an attempt to fix your marriage?