LDR doomed to fail?

[Ezag]

I mean, you're worried about how she'll feel when you can't be online all the time because of work - this tells us that she has zero work ethic. Any reasonable person would understand that work takes precedence.

 

Why doesn't she get up off her rear end and go buy pizza for herself and her mother? It's not like her mother is taking all her money! Or why doesn't she go in the kitchen and cook herself and her mother a meal?

 

The more you try and explain this, the worse she sounds.

I guess she will understand I have to study, but I worry that the sudden decline in spending time with her won't cope well with her. Some people don't take it well.

 

She once said 'I don't spent money on food'. But she had to, when her mother didn't buy. And yes, she often goes into the kitchen and cooks some meals for herself. It's not like that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I guess she will understand I have to study, but I worry that the sudden decline in spending time with her won't cope well with her. Some people don't take it well.

 

She once said 'I don't spent money on food'. But she had to, when her mother didn't buy. And yes, she often goes into the kitchen and cooks some meals for herself. It's not like that.

 

And you know what? She's a big girl. She will have to learn to deal with it. That's the nature of any relationship. Nobody can spend 24 hours by their partner's side. If she kicks up a fuss, it's not your problem. She needs to grow up.

 

I really think you need to ask yourself what you want in a girlfriend. What qualities and characteristics are important to you? I get the sense you don't want to see this woman for what she is, because she's paying attention to you and you don't want to lose that. Have you dated much before? Had an offline relationship? I ask because if you haven't, it makes sense that you have nothing else to compare this too and see that the dynamic is already becoming codependent..

[Ezag]

I really think you need to ask yourself what you want in a girlfriend. What qualities and characteristics are important to you? I get the sense you don't want to see this woman for what she is, because she's paying attention to you and you don't want to lose that. Have you dated much before? Had an offline relationship? I ask because if you haven't, it makes sense that you have nothing else to compare this too and see that the dynamic is already becoming codependent..

I had a offline relationship before, but I was younger then. I'm not an expert in dating. To be honest, I already fell in love with 2 other female chat friends before her, but they didn't love me back.

 

One other thing: She suddenly likes a game that I love. Before I was just friends with her, she hated that game. Now she likes it too. And she uses words I use. Is that normal or does that mean she has no personality and just likes stuff I like so that I think she's the best woman ever?

[ExpatInItaly]

I had a offline relationship before, but I was younger then. I'm not an expert in dating. To be honest, I already fell in love with 2 other female chat friends before her, but they didn't love me back.

 

One other thing: She suddenly likes a game that I love. Before I was just friends with her, she hated that game. Now she likes it too. And she uses words I use. Is that normal or does that mean she has no personality and just likes stuff I like so that I think she's the best woman ever?

 

I don't think that's so unusual. A lot of couples pick up on each others' habits or try to explore their interests. Some of us aren't even conscious that we mirror our partners.

 

It's all the other stuff that you should be concerned about. You sound like you are carving out a life for yourself, via studying. She...isn't.

 

What are your hobbies and interests, apart from her?

[Ezag]

I don't think that's so unusual. A lot of couples pick up on each others' habits or try to explore their interests. Some of us aren't even conscious that we mirror our partners.

 

 

What are your hobbies and interests, apart from her?

Really? If I hate something, I hate it. Wouldn't love just because my girlfriend likes it.

 

Nothing special. Going to concerts, playing video games, from time to time doing stuff with friends.

[emi]

Why u keep making excuses for her?

You are here to ask for advices but u only wanna hear what u wanna hear. So whats the point?

Your girlfriend is broken. If you are ok with it go with it.

[Ezag]

Well, she didn't visit me on my birthday. I visited her. Staying the weekend. At least we had good sex. I love her even more now. Not because of the sex, I'm a just lost cause.

[lazcas]

You are young and still need to learn a lot about what a great woman is. I am not saying that girl you like is bad but she isn't great either since she doesn't even work or does anything. is that really the kind of person you would like to be with?.

 

If she is focused on you in the way she is that is a recipe for disaster, while she isn't productive and doesn't have any interests besides being inactive she won't be a good partner for anyone.

 

You really need to reflect on it.

[justwhoiam]

But how much contact is healthy in a LDR?

If anyone told me they were all day online with the one they love, I wouldn't think it's weird. I come from a different generation than yours. And, you might not understand this, but it's like the spend-all-the-time-in-bed day. It doesn't mean you can sustain that every day. It's one fun thing to do once in less than a blue moon. But no, you can't have a 24-hour call with your "girlfriend" every day. If you got the idea that this is how LDRs work, then no, you got it wrong.

 

what can happen if we have too much contact?

Anything can happen, such as: neglected hygiene, isolation, loss of friends, awkwardness in real social interaction especially with the other sex, obesity, addiction or cause addiction, and anything inbetween.

 

If - on the other hand - you mean you keep contact throughout the day, on and off, then yes, that's feasible, provided the two persons involved are mature enough to deal with it. And I can't tell if she is. But what you said about her makes me think she's not very mature and not stable psychologically. This means she's very dependent and prone to addiction.

 

I don't know why she hasn't worked in so long. She already was like this when I met her. She's sending out applications from time to time, but no job interview so far. I don't try to nag about it, I know it's sometimes hard to get a job. She's an introvert, shy and doesn't like people that much, get's easly nervous when meeting new people. Maybe that's why.

What kind of job would she be looking for? If anything, she could at least work for pennies online. You can make some money posting reviews, writing articles, etc. So she has no excuse whatsoever. And what's more, you know what? Anyone reading a resume where the candidate hasn't been working for 3 years straight and no plausible explanation for that will immediate throw said resume away. That means zero chances of being hired. She should at least do something with her life, like volunteering for something, helping the poor, or ill children, or something. Really, if you accept the way she's behaving, you are supporting her lifestyle. Think of it this way: the first three years of your first full-time job will serve to pay for her unemployment benefits, knowing you didn't help someone in need, some family man with three kids who got fired overnight, rather a young woman who was lazy enough not to get up her a-- and do something with her life. Unemployment will eventually end and she'd better find some man providing for her, because by then, her mother might kick her out of home. So she needs to find someone who will let her lead the life the way she wants, which is staying in her bedroom 24/7.

 

Let me ask you a couple of serious questions now.

 

1) If she gets pregnant, what would happen? Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I wouldn't trust this woman with birth control. And just remember that NO birth control, alone, is 100% safe and 100% working (aka preventing a pregnancy). That's valid for any birth control you use too. So weigh pros and cons and see if you are ready to risk your future and whole life for this.

 

2) Have you wondered what would happen if you left her/broke it off with her? Or does she have another guy already on the backburner? I assume she does have someone else, just in case you're on the way out.

[Ezag]

It doesn't mean you can sustain that every day. It's one fun thing to do once in less than a blue moon. But no, you can't have a 24-hour call with your "girlfriend" every day. If you got the idea that this is how LDRs work, then no, you got it wrong.

But we almost do. It's like that: I come home from the University, I go online and then we skype until late in the morning. If I don't have to go to the university, we skype almost all day long.

 

Anything can happen, such as: neglected hygiene, isolation, loss of friends, awkwardness in real social interaction especially with the other sex, obesity, addiction or cause addiction, and anything inbetween.

I meant more like getting sick of each other after a time. I mean, we do stuff apart from each other, but not in the real world. She watches some shows then, I play a little online games with friends. And I think she has a addiction problem. She clings onto the people she likes very hard and focuses everything only onto that one person. Before me, she was in love with an older guy she met online. She focused everything on him then.

 

What kind of job would she be looking for?

Yes, you are right. So many part-time jobs out there. I don't know what's going wrong there. Maybe they won't take here, maybe she doesn't put in enough effort. I might be naive or stupid, because you guys keep telling me what's wrong with her and stuff, but I just hope she will change. Maybe now that she's with me she will get better.

 

1) If she gets pregnant, what would happen?

Well, she told me she doesn't want to have kids. Ever. And me neither. But honestly I don't know what would happen.

 

Have you wondered what would happen if you left her/broke it off with her? Or does she have another guy already on the backburner? I assume she does have someone else, just in case you're on the way out.

Well, we're only 2 months together. No signs of breaking up yet. But of course she would not take it well, because she would be all alone. I'm her one and only person now. And her self-esteem would get even lower. That's a weird thing too with her. Very low self-esteem but sexually she's very open and dirty.

 

If there's another guy? I don't know. Maybe the older guy she was in love with before me, but they are not in contact anymore.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I read you had to go to visit her on your birthday, that she didn't come to you.

 

Be cautioned that you will always be expected to go to her. It can't be any other way because she has no disposable income.

 

And yes, she appears to have some attachment and depression problems. Clinging to people is unhealthy. But no, you won't be able to change her. She is currently being enabled by both her mom and you (though I get you're not intending to do so) so why would she change? She doesn't need to.

 

I think you just need to prepare for the inevitable end. I don't see how this can work in the current state of affairs.

[Ezag]

OP, I read you had to go to visit her on your birthday, that she didn't come to you.

 

Be cautioned that you will always be expected to go to her. It can't be any other way because she has no disposable income.

 

And yes, she appears to have some attachment and depression problems. Clinging to people is unhealthy. But no, you won't be able to change her. She is currently being enabled by both her mom and you (though I get you're not intending to do so) so why would she change? She doesn't need to.

 

I think you just need to prepare for the inevitable end. I don't see how this can work in the current state of affairs.

Yes, I visited her. Was a little bummed out she didn't visit me on my birthday. First meeting was on neutral ground, now the second at her house and an entire weekend. Now the third has to be at my home, so she can meet my family. She HAS a income. She gets Unemployment benefits. She doesn't have to pay her mother anything, so it's enough to visit me once a month. And believe me, I will be pissed if she doesn't visit me next.

 

She is clingy, but I spent the whole time with her. Maybe I'm clingy too, or just in love. I don't know.

 

Maybe you're right. I'd like to believe that she's now motivated to get a job, you know. To spend more time with me. Yeah, a little naive, I know. But people give up so easily these days, I don't like to be one of them. I'll give her some time.

 

Let's see how things are when the honeymoon phase is over. Maybe then it will come to the inevitable end.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I visited her. Was a little bummed out she didn't visit me on my birthday. First meeting was on neutral ground, now the second at her house and an entire weekend. Now the third has to be at my home, so she can meet my family. She HAS a income. She gets Unemployment benefits. She doesn't have to pay her mother anything, so it's enough to visit me once a month. And believe me, I will be pissed if she doesn't visit me next.

 

She is clingy, but I spent the whole time with her. Maybe I'm clingy too, or just in love. I don't know.

 

Maybe you're right. I'd like to believe that she's now motivated to get a job, you know. To spend more time with me. Yeah, a little naive, I know. But people give up so easily these days, I don't like to be one of them. I'll give her some time.

 

Let's see how things are when the honeymoon phase is over. Maybe then it will come to the inevitable end.

 

I meant her own money. Not the government's.

 

What does she say when you ask how the job hunt is going?

[Ezag]

What does she say when you ask how the job hunt is going?

'Not good. No decent jobs out there.' Or nothing at all there.

 

Last time she missed an important appointment at the unemployment center. She just said 'Oh well, I'm in trouble for missing that.' Why? Because she was up all night and went to bed in the morning. She usually only sends out applications when the unemployment center demands it or sends her some jobs.

[ExpatInItaly]

'Not good. No decent jobs out there.' Or nothing at all there.

 

Last time she missed an important appointment at the unemployment center. She just said 'Oh well, I'm in trouble for missing that.' Why? Because she was up all night and went to bed in the morning. She usually only sends out applications when the unemployment center demands it or sends her some jobs.

 

So, in other words, she isn't motivated whatsoever.

 

If you're okay being with a grown woman who is unemployed for no good reason and lives off state support and her mommy...proceed.

 

Personally, I demand a lot more ambition and drive from the people I date.

[Ezag]

So, in other words, she isn't motivated whatsoever.

 

If you're okay being with a grown woman who is unemployed for no good reason and lives off state support and her mommy...proceed.

 

Personally, I demand a lot more ambition and drive from the people I date.

I'm not okay with it. Just for the moment. Like I said, I hope she'll change. Yeah I know you guys said she probably won't, but I'll give it some time. If she doesn't change it then, I'll confront her about it and if she isn't willing to do anything about it, then I have to end it.

[justwhoiam]

Last time she missed an important appointment at the unemployment center. She just said 'Oh well, I'm in trouble for missing that.' Why? Because 1) she was up all night and went to bed in the morning. She usually 2) only sends out applications when the unemployment center demands it or sends her some jobs.

 

1) Was it because of you? Because if that's the case, and I guess it is, be prepared to be blamed about that, should you bring up her unemployment status.

 

2) That says it all. She can't give a ..., she just pretends she's doing something in order to get the benefits.

[lazcas]

I'm not okay with it. Just for the moment. Like I said, I hope she'll change. Yeah I know you guys said she probably won't, but I'll give it some time. If she doesn't change it then, I'll confront her about it and if she isn't willing to do anything about it, then I have to end it.

 

If you are with someone hoping they will change then you better look for someone different. That woman seems to be looking for the man who will pay her bills when her mom can't or doesn't want to do it anymore. Think for a moment about the future, would you like to get home from work to a messy house and find a lazy woman laying on the couch chatting?

[Ezag]

1) Was it because of you? Because if that's the case, and I guess it is, be prepared to be blamed about that, should you bring up her unemployment status.

 

2) That says it all. She can't give a ..., she just pretends she's doing something in order to get the benefits.

1) Partly. She's up all night everyday till morning anways.

 

2) Well, I can't say. I'm not there with her, so can't tell if she's looking or not. But you are probably right.

 

If you are with someone hoping they will change then you better look for someone different. That woman seems to be looking for the man who will pay her bills when her mom can't or doesn't want to do it anymore. Think for a moment about the future, would you like to get home from work to a messy house and find a lazy woman laying on the couch chatting?

I meant as in 'motivated to look for a job now'. I hope that will change. Hmm, I will be studying for another 4-5 years, so she won't get much money out of me. Yeah, she's lazy. She said so herself. Her room is always a mess. Like I said, I'll will give it some time.

 

EDIT: And I don't think money is the reason. As I said, she was in love with an older guy before, who actually had a job and his own place. But still, she choose me not him. So I don't think it's about paying her bills.

Edited May 3, 2016 by Ezag

[Lois_Griffin]

It's the new young generation. We chat, we play online games all day and we spent too much time on the internet. But in a LDR you have to spent every second you get with each other. Otherwise you couldn't even call it a relationship. I know, you guys don't call it that because you are against LDR.

No.

 

We're just realistic and have much more life experience than you, OP. You're only 23 years old. I guarantee you, when you're 30 or 35 you're going to look back at this time and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

 

I promise you, you will.

[Lois_Griffin]

Is that normal or does that mean she has no personality and just likes stuff I like so that I think she's the best woman ever?

LOL. The best woman ever. I suppose that would be true if the entire female population were killed off, leaving only her.

 

It just means she has NO life at all. It's not like she's got anything ELSE going on in her life - other than sleeping all day and Skyping all night. So why not decide to like something you like? It takes no effort at all and it's not like it's cutting into her busy schedule or anything.

[Ezag]

It just means she has NO life at all. It's not like she's got anything ELSE going on in her life - other than sleeping all day and Skyping all night. So why not decide to like something you like? It takes no effort at all and it's not like it's cutting into her busy schedule or anything.

I thought it was weird. I mean, she didn't like that game before, she actually hated it. Now she suddenly likes it. And she almost talks like I talk. My Ex didn't do stuff like that, so that's why I asked. And I've read that people with low self-esteem copy and like stuff from their new partner so they think that they are the best that ever happened to them.

[lazcas]

Ezag, no matter what everyone tells you here you will keep going with your romance with that woman. Some day you will see her for who she really is and hopefully you are going to learn the lesson and choose better who you relate to.

[22Q-EE2]

Pretty sure thats not what she should be spending it on, again immature. I'd cut an end to it. Everyone's saying it here

[Ezag]

Yeah, I know everyone keeps saying that, but like I said, I won't give up on her yet. Maybe it's a waste of time, who knows. But then I've learned a valuable lesson. Let's see if she's worth it or not.

 

It was going good so far. She visited me too at the beginning of May. BUT we had our first fight last week. Is that bad or normal? 3 months together and already the first fight? We made up, but still... I thought in a LDR the honeymoon phase is longer than in a normal one.

Edited May 30, 2016 by Ezag