me or your wife?

[LovingDelilah]

I really want to ask my mm to pick between me and his wife. We've been seeing each other for 4 months (he did go back to her at one point).

Is that too soon to give him an ultimatum?

 

 

I think you are going to be heartbroken if you think he will leave her after knowing you only four months. Run while you can is what I say. Find somebody of your own and have a nice life.

 

If you hang around you'll get stuck wasting years of your life.

[Arieswoman]

Eliza89,

I'm going to be gentle here as the Mods have already slapped my wrists once for being too direct.

 

Have a read of some of the threads of OW on this site. Ask yourself how long do you want to be in this limbo?

 

A girl I knew took up with a MM at work some time after her H died. BS found out and threw him out. He went to live with OW. 2 weeks later BS cries down the 'phone and begs him to go back. MM goes back. OW doesn't speak to him at work for a while. Finally he talks her around and the affair starts again. About a year later another row and MM gets ejected again from the marital home. MM moves in with OW. BS pleads for him to go back a month later. He goes back.

 

Lather rinse and repeat.

 

20 years later this toxic merry-go-round is still turning with MM still not making a decision.

Neither woman will let go because of the "sunk costs" theory. (Google that if you don't know what it means)

 

OW told me that MM was "waiting for his wife to divorce him"

 

Is this what you really want for yourself or would you like to strive for something better?

[anyonecandoit]

Eliza89,

I'm going to be gentle here as the Mods have already slapped my wrists once for being too direct.

 

Have a read of some of the threads of OW on this site. Ask yourself how long do you want to be in this limbo?

 

A girl I knew took up with a MM at work some time after her H died. BS found out and threw him out. He went to live with OW. 2 weeks later BS cries down the 'phone and begs him to go back. MM goes back. OW doesn't speak to him at work for a while. Finally he talks her around and the affair starts again. About a year later another row and MM gets ejected again from the marital home. MM moves in with OW. BS pleads for him to go back a month later. He goes back.

 

Lather rinse and repeat.

 

20 years later this toxic merry-go-round is still turning with MM still not making a decision.

Neither woman will let go because of the "sunk costs" theory. (Google that if you don't know what it means)

 

OW told me that MM was "waiting for his wife to divorce him"

 

Is this what you really want for yourself or would you like to strive for something better?

 

Well said, once in, it will probably take much longer to get out. It will probably take much much longer than you have ever thought. Get out when you still can and never look back, to give everyone a better life.

[georgia girl]

Goodness, I did not read your other thread. Do you really hook up with married men as some sort of competition to have them find you more sexually attractive than their wives? Eliza, that is so incredibly unhealthy for you. Please seek some counseling, particularly because you have two children.

 

Sexually debasing yourself to "compete" with another woman for the affections of a committed man devalues you as a person and is harmful to your self image. YOU - not any of these men - are reducing yourself to a sex object, not a true woman with feelings, opinions, insight, dreams and hopes. To me, this is a form of self harm. I had a very dear friend who did this as a young woman - we were in grad school together. She is/was a wonderful person away from the insecurities that drove her to this behavior. Unfortunately, she couldn't help herself and wound up losing custody of her kids and her career. Last I knew, she was a true burnout and I find that so sad. She was once an astonishingly beautiful woman and now she looks about 20 years older than me.

 

Eliza, life is about choices and tough decisions. I often say we script our own disasters and author our own successes. Predominantly, one of the ways we do this is by making the right decision - doing what your HEAD tells you to do vs. giving in to the HEART's immediate desire. Delaying gratification and making decisions for which you can be proud will do more to build your self image and your personal self value than any sleazy guy who will sleep around on his spouse.

 

Please take care and consider getting some help.

[2016forme]

This is a tricky situation. The four months you and your married man have spent together so far is enough early time for you to run and get out this toxic relationship. If you stay any longer, your relationship with your married man could be emotionally and psychologically damaging. Think about yourself first and what will happen to you in the long run.

 

Please don't waste your time any longer by remaining second best! Your married man is not going to choose you first. Your married man is going to find excuses to be with his wife. Get out while you can. You deserve true love and happiness. You deserve to invest in a relationship with someone who puts you first. Married man is a waste of time. You will be extremely disappointed and hurt at the end if you don't get out now.

[Lady Hamilton]

Based on what I read on the other thread, if you give him an ultimatum, he'll give you walking papers. Then in a week or two, he'll be back and things will swing along like they have for the last few months.

 

I'm not discounting that it's possible for a guy who's having an affair to choose his AP over his wife. In fact, by having an affair, in many ways he already has. And picking you and then bouncing to the wife again for kids, that might be because he's genuinely having a hard time adjusting away from the kids. I don't buy, and I've never bought, that "once a cheater, always a cheater" and "a man who marries a mistress creates a job opening." The idea that's a universal rule is just silly and waters down what's actually going on in an affair. Sometimes people have affairs and there's something to it and they leave their marriage for their AP and life goes on.

 

But I'm not seeing that here.

 

Dude is fickle. You're fickle. You all are goofing around with each other but keeping your backup options in play just in case, because apparently the idea of sleeping alone is horrifying for some reason.

 

I doubt he'll leave for you and honestly, I doubt you want him too.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[ShatteredLady]

Ok. Let's ask this question....

 

What happens if MM number 1 (great in bed) comes to you saying that his wife has been recording him. He wants you desperately? Can you honestly tell me that you won't screw him again to 'get him' & get one over on his wife?

 

What if a drop dead gorgeous MM turns up, flirting but saying how wonderful his wife is? Will that be a bigger temptation?

 

I know that you're young. I had utter contempt for 'those men' & 'those marriages' when I was your age. I was lucky, I worked for a male dominated company that gave me a certain perspective. Fortunately because of that I never played the game.

 

You're in for a world of hurt & I am trying to persuade you to change your ways. To be honest it's because you have children. If you were a Lone Ranger I'd let you make your mistakes. Please, PLEASE is all I can say!

 

Maybe there's a lot more to this than you've spoken of. So far you come off as cold & cruel, playing with people. I actually commend you on your honesty but it's just so broken!

 

One day you will look back on these posts & OMG will it hit you hard! There's truly no ego trip in getting weak, screwed-up men to shag you. You want a real challenge? Get a single guy with a world of options to fall for you....

 

...Double dare ya!!

Edited April 19, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Jersey born raised]

Growing up my othododontist was married four times. All his wives he meant when they began working for him as an office manager. Wives 2,3,4 he married after starting an affair with them. Wife number 4 lasted because she kept running his office.

 

Are you sure this guy is a keeper?

[anyonecandoit]

Growing up my othododontist was married four times. All his wives he meant when they began working for him as an office manager. Wives 2,3,4 he married after starting an affair with them. Wife number 4 lasted because she kept running his office.

 

Are you sure this guy is a keeper?

 

Wow! LMAO!

[renaissancewoman]

I'm 26 and he's 34. He's got 3 kids and I have got 2.

It is all a bit of a mess. I didn't realise I would fall for him I just thought it would be a bit of fun. But we have both said we can't walk away from each other.

 

You just thought it would be a bit of fun? Tell me, what is so fun about coming between a man and his wife? What is fun about ruining the lives of their children by wrecking their home and depriving them the opportunity of growing up in a house with parents that love each other? My goodness!

 

Regarding your ultimatum, why even give the power of making that choice to him? Please have some respect for yourself and make your own choices for your own life. Stop asking him to choose you. Choose yourself and your happiness (hint: it doesn't include an unavailable man).

[oceansaway]

My thoughts are to leave him alone. If he wants you...he'll leave and be with you. Hold up your head and walk away

[Lady2163]

In my mind I call this the Grey's Anatomy syndrome". Meredith's impassioned speech of "pick me, want me, love me" put this thought process way mainstream.

 

No man, single or married...no person, really likes an ultimatum. I agree that this could be either the end of your relationship or it could be the start of years of being strung along.

[sandylee1]

What's the attraction in wanting young children to have a part time father? Children thrive in a home with 2 loving parents and you want to destroy that.

 

Think through very carefully what you are actually saying and what the impact is on ALL affected by the end game that you want.

 

I'm not 26, but I've been there. Age is no excuse for selfishness.

[renaissancewoman]

Age is no excuse for selfishness.

 

THIS! So much, this.

[eliza89]

Just a little update ?. I spent the day with him today and we started having a serious chat. I said I wanted him as my full time boyfriend to which he replied I can't give you that at the moment. He started crying saying he can't lose me.

I said I would carry on seeing him. I really want to finish it but I feel like I'm too weak to do it. ?.

He said in the future things might be different but I really don't want to end up waiting for years.

How did anyone finish an affair??

I just physically couldn't do it today.

[MrsBilliethekid]

Just a little update ?. I spent the day with him today and we started having a serious chat. I said I wanted him as my full time boyfriend to which he replied I can't give you that at the moment. He started crying saying he can't lose me.

I said I would carry on seeing him. I really want to finish it but I feel like I'm too weak to do it. ?.

He said in the future things might be different but I really don't want to end up waiting for years.

How did anyone finish an affair??

I just physically couldn't do it today.

 

Sounds like the day I had........

[renaissancewoman]

Just a little update ?. I spent the day with him today and we started having a serious chat. I said I wanted him as my full time boyfriend to which he replied I can't give you that at the moment. He started crying saying he can't lose me.

I said I would carry on seeing him. I really want to finish it but I feel like I'm too weak to do it. ?.

He said in the future things might be different but I really don't want to end up waiting for years.

How did anyone finish an affair??

I just physically couldn't do it today.

 

Couldn't or wouldn't? Fair question. I think as soon as you are WILLING to actually move on with your life and reach a point where it is UNACCEPTABLE to you to be second fiddle, then you will have no problem finding the strength. You are a strong woman. Stop allowing yourself to believe that you're weak. Feed the right wolf and watch how strong you really are.

[ladydesigner]

Just a little update ?. I spent the day with him today and we started having a serious chat. I said I wanted him as my full time boyfriend to which he replied I can't give you that at the moment. He started crying saying he can't lose me.

I said I would carry on seeing him. I really want to finish it but I feel like I'm too weak to do it. ?.

He said in the future things might be different but I really don't want to end up waiting for years.

How did anyone finish an affair??

I just physically couldn't do it today.

 

"In the future things might be different..." Said every MM (well not every one but pretty damn close )

 

How much of your future do you want to risk on this man?

 

Give yourself a timeline, but you will have to follow through on your deadline for MM to leave otherwise you will waste years waiting.

[eliza89]

Sounds like the day I had........

 

Horrible isn't it. Have you shared your story on here.

[eliza89]

"In the future things might be different..." Said every MM (well not every one but pretty damn close )

 

How much of your future do you want to risk on this man?

 

Give yourself a timeline, but you will have to follow through on your deadline for MM to leave otherwise you will waste years waiting.

 

I know deep down it will never work between us but I'm too weak to end it. The sad thing is I've passed many opportunities with single men because I didn't want to cheat on him.

[ladydesigner]

I know deep down it will never work between us but I'm too weak to end it. The sad thing is I've passed many opportunities with single men because I didn't want to cheat on him.

 

Please don't do this. Why should you stay loyal to him when he is loyal to no one? Keep your options open

[elaine567]

The sad thing is I've passed many opportunities with single men because I didn't want to cheat on him.

 

Don't waste any more of your time.

[renaissancewoman]

I know deep down it will never work between us but I'm too weak to end it. The sad thing is I've passed many opportunities with single men because I didn't want to cheat on him.

 

Please don't take this as an attack, but as long as you continue live your life as if you are powerless to make your own choices, you will never find someone who treats you with the respect and dignity every woman deserves. Why do think you are so willing to give someone power to choose the direction of your life? YOU HAVE A CHOICE. Stop acting like you have no choice here and relegate yourself to a life wasting your time and waiting around for a man who is not and will probably never be fully available to you in a way that is healthy. The truth is the longer you keep up your victim mentality, the more you'll be treated like a doormat. You've essentially given him permission to treat you as such by continuing to wait on him. Revoke it and move on and work on yourself.

[Arieswoman]

This;

 

Don't waste any more of your time.

 

x 1,000s.

 

Please get a grip on this Eliza. This is serious. There is one thing we can never ever get back and that's time. Everything else is small potatoes.

 

I have seen girls/women waste the best part of their lives waiting for a MM to find "the right time" to be with them.

 

One girl I know waited 12 years for a MM who was in a "sexless marriage". He was waiting for his kids to grow up. She ended that relationship when she found out his wife was pregnant.

 

Another girl waited 25 years. It didn't happen. At 50 years of age she got fed up and finally dumped him. She was then too old for children. Silly, silly, silly girl.

 

And of course the girl I posted about earlier who ( at 60 years old) has been waiting 30 years, and is still waiting. As her MM and his wife are 10 years older than her maybe she's waiting for wifey to pop her clogs. What a great future, being a stand-in for a dead woman.

 

Please, please do not waste any more of your valuable time. Move on.

 

Good luck.

[Girlfromcali]

This;

 

 

 

x 1,000s.

 

Please get a grip on this Eliza. This is serious. There is one thing we can never ever get back and that's time. Everything else is small potatoes.

 

I have seen girls/women waste the best part of their lives waiting for a MM to find "the right time" to be with them.

 

One girl I know waited 12 years for a MM who was in a "sexless marriage". He was waiting for his kids to grow up. She ended that relationship when she found out his wife was pregnant.

 

Another girl waited 25 years. It didn't happen. At 50 years of age she got fed up and finally dumped him. She was then too old for children. Silly, silly, silly girl.

 

And of course the girl I posted about earlier who ( at 60 years old) has been waiting 30 years, and is still waiting. As her MM and his wife are 10 years older than her maybe she's waiting for wifey to pop her clogs. What a great future, being a stand-in for a dead woman.

 

Please, please do not waste any more of your valuable time. Move on.

 

Good luck.

 

Lmao This cracks me up. And here I was bummed that I wasted two years of my life!

 

Never again..as God is my witness..