sandylee1 Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 Because I would feel bad for her, I guess. Although it doesn't matter and I shouldn't even think about them. Last time I saw him, he said to me that he needs to "become a better liar". It affected me a lot because here I was thinking I was in love with him, and I wanted to make him a better man, not worse. However, I don't really know if he ever was the kind of person I thought he was, and I probably am not the kind of person he thinks I am since there is no truth in something that starts with a lie. Cheating turns you into a liar. You have to come up with good excuses for your absence and say it likes it's the truth. Cheaters get to become skilled liars.....over months and years many never slip up with the art of deception. It they can do this with no guilt or stress. ....how can you not think this applies to other parts of their lives. Long term cheating takes a certain type of person. Would you ever trust this kind of person? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady Hamilton Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 It's not a life sentence. If you want a divorce, go ahead. Just make sure you start dating new people AFTER your divorce not during it. Life happens and nobody is perfect. When you spend sometimes years being unhappy and you see a chance at happiness, it's easy to leap and grab that happiness as opposed to inviting more misery on yourself first, then going for it. I don't think for a second, a marriage that starts from an affair is going to last. So, you going to now trust someone who was lying to his ex wife? Sure. Because I'm not his ex wife. He likes, loves, and respects me. Her? Not so much. But hey, it seems to work for Brad and Angelina.. And thousands of other people. You'd be surprised how many people started as affairs and you have no idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 But hey, it seems to work for Brad and Angelina.. Not according to this... Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie?s Marriage Problems ? Living Separate Lives - Hollywood Life 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 24, 2016 Share Posted April 24, 2016 I really want to ask my mm to pick between me and his wife. We've been seeing each other for 4 months (he did go back to her at one point). Is that too soon to give him an ultimatum? Usually, when you have to give ultimatums, it is already a bad sign. Having BTDT, you know what you've signed on for, and basically the only person you can control here is yourself. It's easiest IMO to focus on what you're able to do and the choices YOU will make instead of forcing his hand or attempting to get him to act in a way you'd like. I know it's easier said than done, believe me, but there is so much freedom that comes from letting go and only accounting for what YOU can do. You don't need to tell him what he should do (i.e. choose you or his wife), just tell him what you will do...and mean it. Meaning it is the key and that's also hard, as many OW (myself included in the past) will talk a good game to MM about what they won't accept...but their actions say otherwise...and MM then learns that sure, if I just listen to her nagging or her soliloquy for however long, I can eventually ignore it and do whatever, because no matter what she says she will still be with me. Meaning it also comes from the value you place on yourself and your time. Faking like you mean it usually doesn't work, but when you truly value yourself and your time, you actually are completely fine to walk away from MM or let him walk away from you if necessary. All that to say: how long are you willing to wait for him to leave his wife? Set a time limit and set of concrete actions you expect, for yourself. You can communicate to him that you don't plan on doing this for more than (X time) and if X time comes and things are the same...walk. My honest advice to anyone though is, the earlier you walk the better, as just by nature, the earlier it is the less attached you are and the easier it is to stand your ground, the longer the more invested, the more you want to hold on and the more hurt you will be if things aren't panning out. A MM doesn't need you actively involved in a relationship with him in order to leave his marriage. That's the truth. If you are so "meant to be" and if he wants to be with you, nothing is wrong with saying "Find me when you're single." If a man tries to make you feel bad for not wanting to be his OW while he's married, he doesn't have your best interest at heart. He cares more about what having you does for him and his ego and his fears and doesn't care what it does to you emotionally. If he truly cares for you he will be able to imagine that no woman wants that position and would not ask you to wait for him (even if he wants it) and would be understanding if you walk away until he sorts himself out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bewell Posted May 5, 2016 Share Posted May 5, 2016 This is the sting I am feeling right now. It hurts like hell but that's reality. Link to post Share on other sites
bewell Posted May 5, 2016 Share Posted May 5, 2016 I know it hurts OP but he has chosen, he went back. Cut all ties and move on. I know it hurts and it's hard but he has shown you with actions where he wants to be I meant to quote this with my reply above. Link to post Share on other sites
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