me or your wife?

[MissBee]

I really want to ask my mm to pick between me and his wife. We've been seeing each other for 4 months (he did go back to her at one point).

Is that too soon to give him an ultimatum?

 

Usually, when you have to give ultimatums, it is already a bad sign.

 

Having BTDT, you know what you've signed on for, and basically the only person you can control here is yourself. It's easiest IMO to focus on what you're able to do and the choices YOU will make instead of forcing his hand or attempting to get him to act in a way you'd like. I know it's easier said than done, believe me, but there is so much freedom that comes from letting go and only accounting for what YOU can do.

 

You don't need to tell him what he should do (i.e. choose you or his wife), just tell him what you will do...and mean it. Meaning it is the key and that's also hard, as many OW (myself included in the past) will talk a good game to MM about what they won't accept...but their actions say otherwise...and MM then learns that sure, if I just listen to her nagging or her soliloquy for however long, I can eventually ignore it and do whatever, because no matter what she says she will still be with me. Meaning it also comes from the value you place on yourself and your time. Faking like you mean it usually doesn't work, but when you truly value yourself and your time, you actually are completely fine to walk away from MM or let him walk away from you if necessary. All that to say: how long are you willing to wait for him to leave his wife? Set a time limit and set of concrete actions you expect, for yourself. You can communicate to him that you don't plan on doing this for more than (X time) and if X time comes and things are the same...walk.

 

My honest advice to anyone though is, the earlier you walk the better, as just by nature, the earlier it is the less attached you are and the easier it is to stand your ground, the longer the more invested, the more you want to hold on and the more hurt you will be if things aren't panning out. A MM doesn't need you actively involved in a relationship with him in order to leave his marriage. That's the truth. If you are so "meant to be" and if he wants to be with you, nothing is wrong with saying "Find me when you're single." If a man tries to make you feel bad for not wanting to be his OW while he's married, he doesn't have your best interest at heart. He cares more about what having you does for him and his ego and his fears and doesn't care what it does to you emotionally. If he truly cares for you he will be able to imagine that no woman wants that position and would not ask you to wait for him (even if he wants it) and would be understanding if you walk away until he sorts himself out.

[bewell]

This is the sting I am feeling right now. It hurts like hell but that's reality.

[bewell]

I know it hurts OP but he has chosen, he went back. Cut all ties and move on. I know it hurts and it's hard but he has shown you with actions where he wants to be

 

I meant to quote this with my reply above.