How long do you do NC before you might hear something?

[too_risky]

How long do you do NC before something happens? I was the one who hurt him, I needed time to fix some things in my life and he didn't understand. We started talking again and trying to work on things but he said he felt betrayed. A few weeks later he tells me he's met someone else. I did the usual crying, begging, pleading etc to get him back. I'm sure he thought "why now?" So he probably didn't think I was sincere. I'm sure he thought I only did it because he was with someone else. You know, the whole, "you want what you can't have" thing. I admit that I took him for granted, I was selfish. In the end when he broke it off with me, I only worried about my feelings, what I wanted etc. I tried telling him everything he wanted to hear. But they must have seemed like empty promises to him. I begged him to see me and that didn't go so well either. Again it was all about "me". Then I gave up. I needed NC to sort myself out. I needed to clear my head and gain some insight and figure out things about our relationship. I haven't had any contact with him whatsoever. No texts, email, phone etc in 18 days now. This is the longest we've ever went without talking. I have changed ALOT of things that were issues in our relationship on my part. How does he know I've made changes if we don't talk? We are long distance from eachother so it's not like we have mutual friends or will run into eachother. How do you prove to someone that you don't have just empty promises, that you mean what you say, that you will try everything to earn their heart and trust back if you have NC? I know men, when they get hurt they run. He was like that when we first started getting close to eachother. He was afraid of being hurt so when we got too close, he would back off. He eventually fell head over heels for me and we were together for 3 years. I didn't do NC to get over him. I did it to respect his space and clear my head and make changes. I realize my mistakes and want to show him I'm different. I want to show him that he's more important and that I will put him first. Do I just wait for him to contact me? I've read the Blaise Harris book of "getting your lover back" and it says to love them back to you. Does that work? How do you do it? What do you do? I'm so afraid of being rejected again and I don't want to look like a clingy fool. Any words of wisdom?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by too_risky

How long do you do NC before something happens? I was the one who hurt him, I needed time to fix some things in my life and he didn't understand. We started talking again and trying to work on things but he said he felt betrayed. A few weeks later he tells me he's met someone else.

 

The quick answer is "You'll have to wait for his "rebound" relationship to end." That's it. Stick with NC or limited contact.

 

I did the usual crying, begging, pleading etc to get him back.

 

That only serves the opposite effect of what you're trying to accomplish. It says "I'm weak, clingy, insecure and I can't live without you." It sets a bad precedent. When someone pulls away from you the natural reaction is to grab hold of them and hang on for dear life but that ends up pushing them away. The most effective way of getting them back is to pull away as well. "Love must be free...."

 

I'm sure he thought "why now?" So he probably didn't think I was sincere.

 

If you never acted like that before, then yes it does.

 

The whole thing is, I've been selfish. I only worried about my feelings, what I wanted etc.

 

You should always be #1 but make his needs a close second.

 

I tried telling him everything he wanted to hear. But they must have seemed like empty promises to him.

 

No, more like "She's just saying what I want to hear to get me back...."

 

I begged him to see me and that didn't go so well either.

 

Just as I explained earlier. It never works.

 

Then I gave up. I needed NC to sort myself out. I needed to clear my head and gain some insight and figure out things about our relationship. I haven't had any contact with him whatsoever. No texts, email, phone etc in 18 days now. This is the longest we've ever went without talking.

 

Well, he *is* seeing someone else.....

 

I have changed ALOT of things that were issues in our relationship on my part.

 

In 18 days? Probably not. Have you been to counseling? Read books and talked to people who have been through similar issues? Fixing your issues is good, but it will not be a permanent part of you in just 18 days. It will take much longer to be a permanent fixture in your life.

 

What, might I ask, were the issues?

 

How does he know I've made changes if we don't talk?

 

When he calls you, and he might. Give the "rebound" relationship time to fail. Of course, chance are it might not.

 

We are long distance from eachother so it's not like we have mutual friends or will run into eachother. How do you prove to someone that you don't have just empty promises, that you mean what you say, that you will try everything to earn their heart and trust back if you have NC?

 

Did you make these changes for you or to get him back? If you didn't start implementing the changes because YOU needed them, then chances are they won't stick. Whatever changes you make must be for you and you only. The side benefit MIGHT be beneficial to him but not right now. Again, 18 days is not nearly enough time.

 

I know men, when they get hurt they run.

 

Not all men do. They only run when they've "had enough."

 

He was like that when we first started getting close to eachother. He was afraid of being hurt so when we got too close, he would back off. He eventually fell head over heels for me and we were together for 3 years. I didn't do NC to get over him. I did it to respect his space and clear my head and make changes. Do I just wait for him to contact me? I've read the Blaise Harris book of "getting your lover back" and it says to love them back to you. Does that work?

 

Depends on how badly he was hurt. Sometimes they come back, if the changes you made were for REAL and for you. But you can't start where you left off. If he does come back, you have to start over as friends again, slowly get to know one another and then progress from there. Square one. You can NEVER effectively pick up where you left off.

 

How do you do it? What do you do? I'm so afraid of being rejected again and I don't want to look like a clingy fool. Any words of wisdom?

 

From what I hear of that book "Getting your lover back" it just doesn't seem practical. You can "love" all you want but if he isn't being receptive and you're not loving him the way he wants to receive it, you might as well bang your head up against the wall because you will accomplish the same thing. Being in a LDR isn't really good for a relationship either.

 

The only thing you can do is:

 

a. Implement whatever improvements to your personality you need to make, FOR YOU, not for him.

b. Wait.

c. Wait.

d. Wait.

 

There's nothing you can do at this point. You can not control how HE feels and reacts. You can only control YOUR life. It's up to him, now. If you're a Christian, know that God will either change his heart or yours and that's only through enough time apart. Stick to NC for now, focus on yourself and do your best to, at least for now, not worry over things you can not control.

 

No Contact is NO GUARANTEE they will come crawling back to you. It's mostly for you to heal and move on. The only benefit of NC is to him is it gives him time to miss you.