Wife wants kids, I don't

[devilish innocent]

I don't believe that divorce is an immediate go-to solution, however I have been around this site long enough to have seen these same problems arise and how often they are most equinamously solved.

 

People don't generally post here when things are going well, and these issues don't get solved in the short amount of time that a thread is active for. My husband and I disagreed about whether or not to have kids at one point in our marriage. It took about a year, but eventually he came over to feeling the same way I do. I know other couples who disagreed on the issue of how many children to have but worked it out. In this case, the couple already has one existing child together, so I don't think jumping straight to a divorce is the solution.

[xxoo]

He didn't want the first. He loves the first. Why would it be any different with the second?

 

Resentment is less about the child and more about power struggle.

[TaraMaiden2]

He didn't want the first. He loves the first. Why would it be any different with the second?

 

Resentment is less about the child and more about power struggle.

 

I don't disagree. And in this power struggle, she wants more kids, he doesn't. Why should he be coerced and convinced to have kids with the assurance that 'hey, don't worry, you'll love it when it's here!"

 

Every single willing loving parent loves all their children unconditionally. But they don't feel the same way about them. If people are genuinely, blatantly nakedly and unashamedly honest, they will admit that they love their kids in different ways.

Some may even, pushed, admit to favouring one over the other. I know for damn sure my younger brother was a spoilt brat by my father, so if does happen.

 

And just as one child can be wholly and entirely wanted and welcomed - that does not stand up under scrutiny, for repeated parenthood.

[Raena]

You changed your mind once from wanting to not wanting. What's to stop you from changing your mind again? Why did you change your mind in the first place? You haven't answered that question.

[TaraMaiden2]

La donna è mobile

Qual piuma al vento....

 

Woman is fickle, like a feather in the breeze....

 

It's a woman's prerogative, it seems, to change her mind should she choose to so do.

 

I see absolutely no reason whatsoever why a man cannot do the same.

[d0nnivain]

Neither of us want a divorce. We both feel like American's just use divorce as the first answer to every marriage problem.

 

Divorce isn't the answer to every marital problem but it is the answer to this marital problem.

 

 

Make your position clear to your wife that you love her but don't want another kid. Also tell her that you will understand that if she wants another kid you will understand if she leaves you. Then see what she wants more -- you or another kid. I hope she picks the one that is most true to herself otherwise she will resent you.

[xxoo]

Why can't she just not have another one? She doesn't love something that doesn't exist so it's not like she'd be missing anything.

 

They way I wanted children, especially the way I wanted a second child, is the way my husband wanted a Harley Davidson.

 

Because we love each other and our family, we now have two children and a Harley Davidson. I can't imagine how unhelpful it would've been for me to tell him that he couldn't miss having a Harley because he's never had one

[Emilia]

Why can't she just not have another one? She doesn't love something that doesn't exist so it's not like she'd be missing anything.

 

Because it's cruel not to give a child a sibling when there is a possibility.

[TaraMaiden2]

Because it's cruel not to give a child a sibling when there is a possibility.

 

I think the discussion of being an only child has arisen before, and single children were divided on that one. There is no 'missing out' Kids only miss out when the parents aren't attentive, caring or involved.

Some resent it, others don't, so I'm not certain that reason stands up.

I personally don't think it's a relevant consideration when one parent doesn't want more children, though.

[SJS]

Because it's cruel not to give a child a sibling when there is a possibility.

Cruel?

 

 

No, it's cruel not to feed them, or not hug them, or beat them. Not providing a sibling is not cruel. Some may think too many siblings is cruel. What then?

[ShatteredLady]

I spent most of my life as a little sister. My brother was 5 years older than me & always adored me (well, we had our moments growing-up but you know what I mean?). I am now older than he will ever be

 

My Dads in his late 70's & nearly died last year. I met my H just after my 21st birthday. I completely believed he was my FAMILY but then all that crap with the OW happened.

 

I now know what it's like to feel so alone in the world. It's selfish I know but I would give almost anything to have forever family in this world. I'm bias.

 

Your wife (& you) planned on having a large family. Changing your mind now is HUGE! It's not as simple as "get divorced" or "you just changed your mind". You BOTH agreed on the family & life you would have....

[oldshirt]

He didn't want the first. He loves the first. Why would it be any different with the second?

 

Resentment is less about the child and more about power struggle.

 

So you are banking a child's life on the assumption that luck will strike twice.

[Emilia]

Cruel?

 

 

No, it's cruel not to feed them, or not hug them, or beat them. Not providing a sibling is not cruel. Some may think too many siblings is cruel. What then?

 

Do you know people that were raised as only children? They are often sad that they never had the chance to have siblings, especially when they lose their parents as adults and have nothing left.

 

Yes, if you can give your child a sibling and you don't that's cruel. I don't see what having too many kids got to do with that, surely that's relative?

[TaraMaiden2]

Do you know people that were raised as only children? They are often sad that they never had the chance to have siblings, especially when they lose their parents as adults and have nothing left.

 

Yes, if you can give your child a sibling and you don't that's cruel. I don't see what having too many kids got to do with that, surely that's relative?

 

I know seven people currently who were all raised as only children, and only one of them regrets their parents didn't have any more. Three of them have no parents now.

They have plenty of other things to occupy them.

Have you not seen the sheer amount of threads on here from people in warring families....?

They greatly outnumber the threads from lone children protesting at having no siblings....

 

I think use of the term 'cruel' is misplaced here. Cruelty involves wilful and deliberate action to purposely inflict emotional or physical pain.

 

I honestly cannot believe any parents would stand in a corner, gleefully rubbing their hands together sporting evil grins, as they look upon their only child and determine to "heh, heh, heh! Let's be cruel and make it the only one....!"

[SJS]

Do you know people that were raised as only children? They are often sad that they never had the chance to have siblings, especially when they lose their parents as adults and have nothing left.

 

Yes, if you can give your child a sibling and you don't that's cruel. I don't see what having too many kids got to do with that, surely that's relative?

I actually do know a lot of people who are only children. My best friend growing up was an only. None of them have regretted being an only child. Sure, they have wondered what it would've been like to have a sibling, but I have a sibling who never bothered with me because we like different things and have always wondered it would've been like to have another sibling too.

I struggled and struggled to have my child. Technically I COULD give her another sibling, but there's no way I want to put myself through the mental and physical rigmarole again, of just GETTING pregnant. She is a well-adjusted, well-rounded kid with lots of friends, cousins, and activities that keep her busy, and we are close. I feel sorry for you, that you find all that "cruel".

[bluefeather]

Yes, if you can give your child a sibling and you don't that's cruel.

 

Just looked up the definition of cruelty to make sure you're talking about the same word here:

 

"callous indifference to or pleasure in causing pain and suffering"

 

...???

[xxoo]

So you are banking a child's life on the assumption that luck will strike twice.

 

It's not luck. He's just normal. Of course he'll love the kid.

 

As I mentioned earlier, many, many couples experience a surprise pregnancy, often with mixed feelings or even dread if they thought they were done. It's happened in my family and to so many people I know. I don't know a single person who has gone on to resent the child and not love the child, no matter how unexpected or life changing the surprise baby is.

 

The bigger threat here, imo, is resentment because the wife "wins" and he "loses". But that's a terrible way to approach marriage conflicts. If someone "loses" (either the husband or the wife), both lose.

[ShatteredLady]

people try to warn you how much your life is going to COMPLETELY change when you have a baby. I still had no idea! The sleep deprivation alone was crippling!!!

 

OP. Are you sure you're not just enjoying your child being a little older & dreading going through the baby stage again? It does get a LOT easier as they get older.

 

I know that BOTH me & my H weren't exactly excited about the baby, young toddler stage. We were just starting to sleep through the night again.

[BlueIris]

If you’re going to “suffer” if you live up the agreement you made with her (to get her to marry you), then divorce her. But do it while she’s still fertile. Soon. Make it as easy as possible for her and your child.

[Ladyjane14]

If you're both happy in every other aspect of the marriage... then keep talking until you're both in agreement. Not one capitulating to the wants of the other, but both excited about whatever decision you made TOGETHER.

 

The answer here is in the "why". Why do you not want any more children? Honestly, why is that important to you? And not just the nuts and bolts of expenses and whatnot. But what's underlying your position at the emotional level?

 

Same questions for her. Why is it so important? What does she feel she's missing if you don't expand your family?

 

Parenting creates both strengths and weaknesses in the primary relationship. Discuss them with all the honesty each of you can muster. How can you be there for each other more? How can you keep your marriage fresh? What are your earlier experiences that are affecting your differing desires now? What are your anxieties going forward either way?

 

Talk. Keep talking. Don't stop.

[bathtub-row]

There are a ton of Americans who are married who should be divorced. And your judgmental attitude about divorce is exactly why people torture themselves by staying in situations they don't need to be in.

 

If your wife has any sense, she won't wait for you to make a decision. She can make it for you by leaving you. You're the one who went back on your agreement so if you were a decent kind of guy, you'd honor what you agreed to. Otherwise you have misrepresented yourself and that misrepresentation is going to cost your wife the happiness she would derive from having a family. If it were me and I changed my mind about so serious a topic, I'd either divorce my spouse, or suck it up and deal with it.

 

You have no right to put this on your wife, and you have no right to be in your marriage if you can't honor your agreements. So I think if you want to get self-righteous and judgmental about something, that's the topic you may want to give some thought to.

Edited April 18, 2016 by bathtub-row

[BlueIris]

On your point, Bathtub-Row, that OP's wife might just file.... I hope she does quickly, if he doesn’t realize he needs to live up to his word and respect that his wife’s dreams, goals and plans matter. Yeah, in marriage, you make room for each other’s dreams and goals, especially if you agreed to them at the beginning. As you said, Bathtub-row, suck it up. (Or be a loving supportive partner whose partner matters to you.)

 

But it might take her a long time for her to realize what's happened here and that time could preclude her from having more children.

 

My exH also changed his mind on something that we had explicitly agreed to before we married, a deal breaker for me, so I understand how this feels. I wouldn't have married him if I’d known he was not going to keep that agreement. I wouldn't have even dated him for long. He unilaterally changed the deal 10 years in, after I had 2 children to consider and I’d given up other opportunities and choices. It took me an additional 3 years to realize that the REAL problem was that I had married an autocrat who I couldn’t count on to keep his promises to me. It was incredibly depressing. But it took me a long time to realize that. She doesn’t have that time. He knows that. It’s a biological fact.

 

LadyJane14, while I think your suggestion is based on kindness and fairness, but what you suggest is actually her capitulating. They aren’t in equal positions negotiating a decision from scratch. He unilaterally broke a promise that their marriage was premised upon, that she counted on, and that promise was about her dreams and goals, not his. She will realize this at some point.

[BetheButterfly]

Neither of us want a divorce. We both feel like American's just use divorce as the first answer to every marriage problem.

 

That is admirable of y'all.

 

Why not compromise? One more child?

 

One less than her desire, and one more than yours.

 

Blessings

[BetheButterfly]

You want 0 more.

She wants 2 more.

Compromise and have 1 more.

 

Aye!

 

Very logical

[BetheButterfly]

I LOVED growing-up with my brother. ?

 

I LOVED growing up with my 3 sisters too! :bunny::bunny:

 

Granted, sometimes it was hard to share, but sharing is also a good life lesson so I'm not complaining. I also have learned a lot about forgiveness, love, and patience with my sisters, same as they have.

 

OP, why not see the glass as half-full? Be thankful she doesn't want to have or adopt many more kids.

 

One of my sisters has 7 kids (5 biological, 2 adopted). Her hubby is from a family with even more children and he believes in huge families too, which really helps. Both my sis and her hubby knew they would have a big family, and neither has changed their minds.