Is this a good reason to divorce? Also, concern about the kid's welfare...

[wannabe_mgtow]

Hi,

 

I've been married for 5 years and have a two-year-old daughter. I am considering divorce because my wife generates no income and is not as financially responsible as me. Before we had a kid we were both employed with jobs that paid well. One day she decided to quit her job out of the blue because she just didn't like going to work and I ended up supporting the household by myself. She then spent the next several months watching TV while I was at work, then tempting and grinding me down to have unprotected sex with her when I got home. I know... I played into her hands which was irresponsible given the circumstances and have a kid now but that's okay. I love my daughter and would have wanted a kid eventually anyway.

 

What's getting me considering divorce is that I feel that my wife has no plans on ever going back to work. Last year I was unemployed for a while and asked her to get a job while I figure things out. She had options, including business contacts of her dad who would have been willing to hire her, but she refused to work which caused us to burn through a lot of the savings I brought into the marriage. We lost a lot of security because of this. Another bought of unemployment could lead to bankruptcy.

 

I'm increasingly dissatisfied with my wife. She has been demanding expensive things of me which I just can't afford - such as a luxurious new home. She's talking about going on a cruise with her friends meanwhile I'm so concerned about finances I restrain myself from small pleasures like occasional eating out after work. Sometimes she interferes with my work schedule because she wants attention. Her childish mind is getting too overbearing for me. I think of her as a lazy bum who is draining our finances by overspending and not contributing.

 

We currently live in Chicago and I know that if we separate she will want to move back to Indiana near our families and take the kid. I am prepared for this and can mentally withstand that custody arrangement. I'm thinking that down the road I could relocate to Indiana when the right career opportunities arise. I most concerned about the impact on my daughter. If she moves out of state and I only get to see her a few days per month, what would that psychologically do to her?

 

My wife seems to be purposefully throttling herself down. She frequently talks of herself like a victim who's fully dependent on me because she's a mom. Maybe she knows that she can take me to the cleaners in family court with this hard luck story. I'm thinking that divorce makes sense because she will either gut me through child support payments or through draining the joint bank account. At least in divorce I can quantify the financial damage and will be in control of what's left. My quality of life will improve without her. If I tough out this marriage for the next 16 years, not only will she have prevented me from saving money and establishing myself in my career, but I face the possibility of lifetime alimony. I am rationalizing that it makes sense to strike first, the sooner the better because at any moment down the road she could divorce me out of the blue and the consequences will be more severe. Does this make sense?

 

So my questions:

1. Am I thinking correctly that it's better to do this sooner than later?

2. Am I making a good assumption that my daughter is so young right now that she will more easily adapt to the new circumstances than if she were say, 7 years old or above and more aware of what's happening? Without a kid, this would be a no-brainer decision for me - I only hesitate because my daughter will be caught in the middle of this.

3. Any other insight?

 

She's been starting more arguments lately over petty things such feeling neglected because of my devotion to work. She actually brought up the idea of divorce several weeks ago. I think if we do this right now we can probably get a quick, uncontested divorce. Who knows if that will be possible a few years from now.

[Michaelroyale]

Hi there.sometimes the grass may appear greener on the other side..but I would put every effort in working through these problems and trying to salvage your marriage..you both need to talk or go to a marriage councillor and sort out these problems before going down the divorce route. Divorce is a difficult and traumatic thing to go through and believe me the courts will side with your wife and child..They will pick you clean and time you've paid the lawyers fees you're definitely have nothing in the bank.my advice TRY AND SORT IT OUT..divorce only at the last possible option..

Best of luck and take care.

[TaraMaiden2]

If you go for joint custody, and she wants to move away, the courts will not look kindly on that, and may order that she stay put, in order for you to have fair and reasonable access to your daughter.

 

But the above post is fair consideration.

[AMarriedMan]

Hi,

She's been starting more arguments lately over petty things such feeling neglected because of my devotion to work.

 

That's rich!

Edited April 18, 2016 by AMarriedMan

[loveboid]

Now is better yes. Your daughter is going to be fine. Keep contact with her. Fight for shared custody. You could even do one year with her, one year with you. I saw that once with parents who lived in different states.

 

Sad to say I have also seen a situation like yours--she quit unilaterally early in the marriage, drained the equity in the house, got unhappy, overweight, paranoid and only perked up on paydays...for years. She didn't change except to gain more weight, didn't take care of the house, more paranoid and suspicious of him leaving, more in debt and less sex.

[PrettyEmily77]

Looks like you are very far along already in your thinking process re. the divorce...

 

If the love and respect is lost on both parts and can't be earned back, and if you already have explored every single other avenue of mediation , any reason is good enough reason to divorce.

 

It's not really clear from your post that you at least genuinely put every effort to sort things out.

[wannabe_mgtow]

Hi there.sometimes the grass may appear greener on the other side..but I would put every effort in working through these problems and trying to salvage your marriage..you both need to talk or go to a marriage councillor and sort out these problems before going down the divorce route. Divorce is a difficult and traumatic thing to go through and believe me the courts will side with your wife and child..They will pick you clean and time you've paid the lawyers fees you're definitely have nothing in the bank.my advice TRY AND SORT IT OUT..divorce only at the last possible option..

Best of luck and take care.

 

You're right the grass is greener on the other side. I've been looking at forums like this to help me decide if divorce would be a rational decision in my case. After doing some research it seems the family court introduces a great deal of uncertainty which very likely won't lead to a happy outcome for any of us. Best option right now is to try new approaches to working things out with her.

[AMarriedMan]

This is why men are afraid of commitment. Marriage in today's America is a sick joke. Even refusing to get married will not help in most cases because of common law marriage and palimony. A man should consider having a joint household with a woman only if he really, really wants children.

 

You're right the grass is greener on the other side. I've been looking at forums like this to help me decide if divorce would be a rational decision in my case. After doing some research it seems the family court introduces a great deal of uncertainty which very likely won't lead to a happy outcome for any of us. Best option right now is to try new approaches to working things out with her.

 

I think you should prepare for a divorce very carefully. Plan a few years ahead if you can. If it is at all possible to stash cash away very small sums at a time, start now. Have at least a few thousand dollars stashed somewhere to help you get started when your wife has you kicked out of your house. Have all important personal documents in a safe deposit box that only you know about outside of your home. Copy everything you can. If your wife hits you with a restraining order, you will not be able to go anywhere near your home. Prepare for the worst scenarios. Even if your wife does not initially want to resort to fighting dirty, her lawyers might encourage her. Study the laws in your state diligently and do not hesitate to ask for qualified legal advice.

 

That said, it is in your best interest to seek marriage counselling and try to fix things. If that fails, it is time to execute the plan.

[elaine567]

You're right the grass is greener on the other side... Best option right now is to try new approaches to working things out with her.

 

Yes, I agree.

YOU need to tell her how you feel about how you think she is taking advantage and YOU need to try and understand her POV better too.

I guess she feels incompetent to take on a job, sitting at home saps the confidence and her self esteem will be in her boots.

She wants attention from you, as you are her adult world at the moment. YOU see her as childish and reject her and so she feels disconnected from you and sees spending as a way to soothe herself, validate herself and make herself feel better.

 

She is NOT your enemy, she is just a woman at home every day looking after your child, who is no doubt as miserable as you are.

YOU need to spend time at home, nurturing your marriage and your child.

[AMarriedMan]

YOU see her as childish and reject her and so she feels disconnected from you and sees spending as a way to soothe herself, validate herself and make herself feel better.

 

If I felt I were feeling incompetent and saw myself as a burden, my instinct would be to minimize the extent to which I actually were a burden. But then again, I'm a man and I have internalized the cultural message to always ask myself if I'm producing value to justify my existence.

 

Women in general seem to seek validation from a very different source altogether. Women seem to feel the more validated the more others are willing to shovel resources their way. This, too, is based on cultural programming. Cultural evolution favors this gender system because it is consistent with our biological natures.

 

Never forget this, gentlemen. Never walk into a marriage with a woman assuming that you are going to get an equal partner. Assume you and you alone will bear all the responsibility at the end of the day. If you are willing to accept that and you absolutely want children, go ahead and marry (don't forget a pre-nup). If not, stay away from the entire thing.

 

She is NOT your enemy, she is just a woman at home every day looking after your child, who is no doubt as miserable as you are.

YOU need to spend time at home, nurturing your marriage and your child.

 

How will OP have the time to do that if he has to pay all the bills and save money for another emergency fund the previous bout of unemployment burned?

[WasOtherWoman]

This is IL we are talking about. If your XW is capable of working, she will be expected to work. She may be awarded temporary alimony at best until she gets on her feet.

 

I could not would not put up with someone who pulled this crap. No one unilaterally gets to quit a job in a marriage and stick the other person with the burden of supporting them. If i am reading correctly she pulled this BEFORE you even had a child???

 

Best strategy to me would be to give her some deadlines on getting a job or cut back her access to money. Sure you need to pay the bills still, etc, but don't do anything beyond that.

 

And, before all the ladies out there start yelling at me, I have seen this exact same advice given when it was a man pulling this and everyone was on board.

 

I can put up with people's faults, but laziness is untenable.

[Unsureslp]

Is this the only thing holding you back? Maybe discuss with her that you expect your wife to contribute financially to the household. That this kind of thing is a dealbreaker for you. There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM because that is a job in itself, but if it's something you both discussed that you would do before getting married then she should not be surprised.

[stillafool]

You're right the grass is greener on the other side. I've been looking at forums like this to help me decide if divorce would be a rational decision in my case. After doing some research it seems the family court introduces a great deal of uncertainty which very likely won't lead to a happy outcome for any of us. Best option right now is to try new approaches to working things out with her.

 

Wow, it didn't take long to change your mind. Best of luck!

[overseas2004]

There is no such thing as lifetime alimony my friend. Alimony is used expressly for the purposes of putting one spouse in a position he or she would have been had they not sacrificed an education to raise a family. You should go see a lawyer to have a more informed opinion.

 

What seems really sad to me here is that you are so willing to throw in the towel on your child and your wife for what is common stresses in most marriages that could be worked out. Poor kid, I feel sorry for her. Daddy is ready to let her go to another state and she hasn't even had a chance to know him.

 

As for what it will do to her? Well that depends on the child. My daughter is still asking for her dad and won't tell other kids that she is the product of a divorced marriage. She is 8 now and we separated when she was 2.

 

Believe me for her I exhausted all possible avenues of reconciliation. To me it doesn't sound like you have done this. If I were you I would play tough though. I like the other posters idea about deadlines. When someone is acting in an unacceptable way in a marriage you talk to them tell them what you need to be fixed and then follow through with leaving if she doesn't do it.

Edited May 18, 2016 by overseas2004

[Mr. Lucky]

I can put up with people's faults, but laziness is untenable.

 

I can't help but wonder if we're only hearing one very biased side to this story.

 

WOW, not picking on you but anyone who's ever raised a two-year old knows the lazy need not apply. The OP seems to assign very little value to the job of raising the child he willingly conceived...

 

Mr. Lucky