In love with my coworker

[DoItellher]

First I would like to catch you up to speed.

 

 

I am currently separated from m6 wife, we first separated in 11'. We have tried several times to work things out with no good out comes.

 

I have gotton to the point of not wanting to try any more. She blames me for all our problems and goes from loves me to hates me with no rhyme or reason. I gave up trying after she took up drinking again. So I am still married but haven't lived or been with my wife for over a year.

 

She is currently seperated from her husband of 22 years. She left over a year ago due to similar treatment (both our spouses were/are emotionally and mentally abusive). When I first met her she was still wanting to try to work things out. Now after a bout of cruel and rude actions and remarks by her husband she says she is ready for divorce.

 

I met her when I started working at the same place she does. I have been there for near 8 months. We first started talking around work while waiting for customers to show up. We shared a lot about our lives and bogus spouses and our lives.

 

After I split up with my wife I want through a serious downward spiral or drinking and gambling. Destroyed our lives and credit and bank account. This led me to where I was until just a few days ago. I was evicted from our townhome, forced from my wife's home, lived in my van, finally after many jobs and a lot of booze and gambling I got back on my feet sobered up and got an apartment. Though the gambling continues, though I am not placing all my wages in the machines anymore.

 

I was forced from this appartment due to bat and bug infestation. Which led me to a halfway house run by the church I was a member of. After a few months here and trying yet again to work things out with my wife, she yet again popped divorce on me again. I once again started gambling and lost my rent money for febuary. The church forced me out in the middle of a blizzard.

 

Flash back a few weeks and into my work place, while talking to my coworker. She opened her home to me if I needed a place to stay for a few days.

 

Flash forward to the blizzard, I suddenly need a place to stay and she allowed me a few days to the weekend. When the weekend came she brought on the idea of sharing her appartment, rent and allowing me use of her things because she was going to move back home. Her husband had up and went to Hawaii for a year with no notice, bought a one-way ticket. She said she didn't want to lose her apartment yet if she went back because once he knew she was back he would come home and she didn't want to be there with him because he is an ass hole.

 

Now I wasn't always attracted to her in the sense of love. I found her pleasant to look at and admire her figure and style of dress. But accepted her for married and left it at that. So I agreed to split rent and roommate with her. Where I made my mistake was thinking my manager was my friend and shared my conversations with him, only to be ratted out to the big boss and forced out yet again. But that is another story.

 

We lived together for a little over 2 months, got along great and had many long talks over dinner or while lounging in the living room. We watched movies and shared our thoughts, ranted about work and our spouses. Helped each other out with different things and just enjoyed each others company. A few weeks in and it was all over for me, I was nuts about her. But could not and would not tell her because I knew she was married. I didn't want to be that guy.

 

At first she was apprehensive and kept her distance, though slowly warmed up. I would cook but she wouldn't eat. Finally got her to eat with me by point blank asking if she would eat if,i cooked. She said yes. Now by this time I was really liking her Though minding my manners. I by nature am a nice guy (no I don't care about your nice guy opinion). I do things for many people, just to be helpful and friendly. This included my roomate. Though it was getting tough to keep my feelings at bay. She ultimately just decided not to go back home and chose to roo,ate with me.

 

Now I'm wondering if she is liking me too. She does little things here and there, chalked up to just a nice gesture. But why choose to stay? I mentioned a remark my general manager made to me about sleeping with her. She told me she was just being nice, I said I knew this and it was left alone. But now she is doing thi,vs with me, riding to the store with me, having dinner with me, helping me cook and do dishes and spending hours talking with me at the kitchen table. I even caught her glancing a look at my crotch while I was wearing my pj's.

 

So I made the mistake of asking a mutual friend to find out if she had even an inkling of interest in me. To which she said no that she wanted her husband and had no other interest in me other than a friend. The friend told her I liked her and just threw me under the buss.

 

So now I am feeling bad because imiving with a girl I am attracted to and feeling a bit advantageous. So I come clean a out asking the friend to talk to her and how she wasn't supposed to say anything. I got a reply of what's wrong with thinking outside the box, so what if her husband is in Hawaii and why would she start a relationship before she is done with the one she is currently in. I told her I want asking for a relationship and just wanted to know if she was uncomfortable with me being attracted to her while I lived with her. She was okay with it, no big deal.

 

Hmm...

 

When I first moved in I really went through a bout of anxiety, confusion, couldn't perform at work and generally had a small melt down due to liking her and not being able to tell her. I got some meds and curbed the feelings, thought I was over it. Chalked it up to puppy love.

 

Now I have been forced out by my boss with a threat of job loss. He told her a bunch of bull**** about me as well. I know this from her, and a conversation he had with her.

 

Now the feelings are,back just as strong as before. I'm depressed, exhausted., frustrated and confused.

 

Should I tell her how I really feel? Quit my job because she said she wouldn't mix business with pleasure.

 

I'm a mess, I am seriously in love with her, she scares me to the point of doubt, all I want to do o,etell her. But I fear rejection, loss of friendship and don't want to dump,my feelings,in her lap,when I know,what she is,dealing,with and that she o,estill married.

[RedPurpleOrange]

Well, all I can say is that it's tough getting into stuff like this with a co-worker. When it goes wrong, it goes WAY wrong, and there's nowhere to hide. I'm in it now.

 

 

But...you do what you do. You can't really offer 'advice' on forums like this. Love is insane. All you can do is vent your feelings, really. I could say "don't do it" and you might get in a mindset that you don't wanna do it and the next day she might have her tongue down your throat.

 

 

If you truly DON'T want anything to happen, then get away from her now. But...we both know how it is...ooooooooh yeeeeees.

[privategal]

I would find a good therapist right away. You need help sorting this out, its easy to see you are in a very bad place.

Do not make rash decisions like quitting your job, you need money to live.

Immediately stop talking about her or your personal life at work.

Go there and work, keep quiet, do your job.

Work on a new place to live right away too.

[elaine567]

YOU may be "in love", but you are hardly a great prospect for any woman to take on, are you?

Separated not divorced, drinking and gambling, no money, no apartment and with the threat hanging over you of of losing your job, due to your incompetence.

You have now found out she has no interest in you past friendship and no doubt pity for the situation you find yourself in - that is no basis for any relationship.

 

YOU need to sort yourself out, she is NOT the answer to your problems.

Get that divorce in motion, get help to stop the drinking and gambling, find somewhere else to stay and work hard to show your boss you are up to the job.

[privategal]

Divorce, new job..those are long term things that need addressed...right now, OP seems in an acute mental state and is self destructing.

Id get a medical professional immediately, you are not thinking clearly OP.

Stop everything, go to the doctor.

Then the 1st issue I would address is a new place to live.

You are letting one woman be the center of every thought, your career, really everything...its dangerous.

You need out of her place, and you need to maintain your job for income.

You need help to calm down, man up, get a grip and start to untangle this mess.

-doctor

-look in paper or online for new roomate

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Wow! This woman is the least of your problems. To be to the point, "I don't mix business with pleasure" means it's a no go. Let it go before you lose this place to live. You seem to be making one terrible decision after another, acting on your emotions. Adults don't get to do that, and it seems like you self-sabotage. You're lucky you're not homeless right now but that probably won't last long given your history. You can't keep a job, a church kicked you out during a blizzard, you've lost your credit, you don't have much left to lose. To be honest, this lady is really going out on a limb to help you out considering you seem to find a way to destroy any chance at recovery and sabotage yourself. You're a poor risk.

 

Your emotions are not your friend. You are looking for the next fix, whether it be love, gambling, alcohol. Leave it be. Stop confiding in people. Stop making decisions based on your feelings. Get yourself on OWN your feet. Divorce your wife, and become a man some woman would want to be with.

[DoItellher]

I have since moved into my own apartment, I have also been sober for the last 2 years. The gambling still comes back. Though I am not binge gambling like I was.

 

This is the second bout of the emotions. Which started after getting a 3 day notice from the boss that I had to move.

 

We (her and i), have talked a lot about who told the boss and why. One person is due to jealousy, and the others for personal motive.

 

We shared a moment and I know, or at least think I know something is there on her part. What I need to know is should I tell her? I don't want to go through life thinking what if I would have told her? I have no plans on just walk away from my job. But I have to know if she feels the same! Without destroying what is already there!

[RedPurpleOrange]

What I don't understand is how nothing has happened already!

 

 

It sounds like an almost impossible situation to be NOT getting involved in some way.

 

 

(The living together for two months thing).

[DoItellher]

Nothing has happened on my part because I made no moves on her. I chose to not act on her flirts or try to advance while living with her because I have morals. We are both married going through the crap towards divorce. Her husband is a seriously selfish ass hole, my wife a seriously selfish ass hole. We both felt with years of abuse. We both believe we were duped by our spouses. Knowing we are both lonely, I also know there is a strong will to be loyal on both our parts. Even though we both know our partners have a less than great sense of moral. That is why both of us have spent considerable time trying to repair our marriges, yet our spouses refuse to stand up for any blame or their actions.

 

I just gotta be able to tell her how I feel. But fear stops me short of throwing it out there and hoping for the best. I believe God put us there for a reason and that reason is to find each other and mend our woods and to find a person that we both think like, understand and accept for who they are.

 

Now thinking about what I just said, am I a crazy stalker? Am I a freak? Good Lord help me understand.

[RedPurpleOrange]

You're really good man. You make me analyse myself. I would've probably got in there. I don't think of myself like that. But I'd have just waited for a frisson and acted upon it. A smile, a look, a touch, an embrace, a kiss, the clothes are off and we're doing something maybe we shouldn't be doing but we're liking it. Maybe I am a womaniser?

 

 

It's good to think about your own actions. You sound like a man with lots of issues he needs to sort. But you don't sound like a crazy stalker. Well, I don't think so.

 

 

But...yeah...top marks for not acting on your urges.

 

 

Maybe listen to the ladies if nothing has happened yet. They're much wiser than I.

[DoItellher]

The problem is....I do love her and want something more. But I don't know how to go about it. Don't want to mess up and chase her off.

 

One thing the manager did was to tell her everything he could to make me look bad. Now I sense a distance between us and it was to make sure his pockets were full. She told me that he said if she was having sex problems he had some people that could help with that. He is a scam bag.

[RedPurpleOrange]

'Tis a toughie, man.

 

 

I can't be irresponsible and give you tips. All I can say is that I got involved with a married co-worker at work and it's landed me in utter Hell. I'd be dumb to recommend it.

 

 

BUT, if you wanna do something, then you have to DO something. But you gotta be aware that the fire is very, very hot, it hurts real bad. And it's not a nice place to be. At all.

 

 

Ultimately, the choice is yours. But one choice will give you a bit of short-term pain which will level out pretty smoothly and quickly once you're away from the situation. The other choice will burn and hurt and sizzle your soul for a very loooooooong time. And you might not even 'win' in the end.

 

 

Think about that.

[privategal]

Step back from her...from everyone/everything but work.

Address YOU right now.

Your in over your head.

Even if she DID want you, YOU havent faced your demons nor finalized things with your current marriage.

Can you please slow down and get a grip?

Its not time to be in a complex relationship with multiple divorces.

Let things settle...address what is immediately on your plate...get your job, health, finances, divorce all in ORDER...

THEN...and ONLY then can you be fully emotinally ready to date.

Right now you cannot have drama and women in your life.

You need time to get YOU in order.

Immediate love is codependence.

You dont love her, shes your backup, emotional void space filler.

Those relationships dont last.

[RedPurpleOrange]

Like I said, listen to the ladies.

 

 

You haven't dipped your toe in yet...so in essence you can still save your sanity.

 

 

I know EXACTLY what you are thinking. I would be already there right now...and the pain would be not far off hitting me.

 

 

It's a LOT of pain. You will not realise just how much.

 

 

Absolute, soul-crushing misery. Agony is only the start of the pain.