do guys AVOID to truly forget, or just to get your attention??

[jen03]

hey all,

 

so this guy i used to be in a tumultuous relationship with (love-hate, confused feelings, sexual tension, the whole schpeel) has now started purposely ignoring me. we never talk anymore, but we do see each other now and then at work, and he goes out of his way to avoid anyplace near me, totally avoiding all eye contact, signing offline REPEATEDLY as soon as i sign online, etc.

 

i'm a little confused. i don't even talk to him anymore. is he just trying to get my attention? i used to "ignore" him purposely, but it was because he did something wrong to me-- cheat on me. this hurt him a lot. but it hurt me too. now, i haven't done anything wrong to him. so would he have any reason to "get back" at me? do guys do stuff like that?

 

or am i just playing this whole thing up too much? he used to be crazy about me, and now that i don't talk to him anymore, he's trying to forget about me...?

 

my friends say it's either one of two things: he's truly trying to forget about me because he is still crazy about me but not ready to settle down, and the fact i may be with other men makes him irritated; OR, he just wants to get a power trip out of "ignoring" me, and indirectly using some wack technique to get my attention.

 

hmm?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by jen03

my friends say it's either one of two things: he's truly trying to forget about me because he is still crazy about me but not ready to settle down, and the fact i may be with other men makes him irritated; OR, he just wants to get a power trip out of "ignoring" me, and indirectly using some wack technique to get my attention.

 

hmm?

 

Sounds like a little of both.

 

Why not just delete/block him from your IM? Wouldn't that solve part of the problem?

 

Do you want him back?

 

What's the underlying goal here?

[purple21]

hmm - interesting

like cioc said - it's probably a little of both

since u said you ingored him in the past - he may be trying to get under your skin and see if you react

or he may have some feelings and is thinking oh screw it i'm not gonna talk to her so she has nothing to act on - good old nc

 

why is it bothering you - u still have feeling for him?

[jen03]

hi,

 

yes i still do have feelings for him but i don't think he's mature enough right now to get involved in a relationship with me. a lot of people "control" his life for him, such as his current girlfriend, parents, siblings, etc. he tries to please people a lot. i'm doing my own thing for now, but secretly in the back of my mind hoping one day he will learn to stand up for himself and find out what and WHO he really wants in life.

 

oh screw it i'm not gonna talk to her so she has nothing to act on

hey, what do you mean by this? the "nothing to act on"? do you think he maybe is avoiding talking to me because he doesn't think he's ready for me yet, and know if he makes a move then i'll respond positively and want to get back with him? because that is precisely the impression i gave him last time we talked (like half a year ago). but since then, i haven't made any move to talk to him again. and him the same. hmm...

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by jen03

yes i still do have feelings for him but i don't think he's mature enough right now to get involved in a relationship with me. a lot of people "control" his life for him, such as his current girlfriend, parents, siblings, etc. he tries to please people a lot. i'm doing my own thing for now, but secretly in the back of my mind hoping one day he will learn to stand up for himself and find out what and WHO he really wants in life.

 

Have you expressed what you're secretly thinking about to him? He may not be "receptive" to your advice but if you've never made it clear that you feel he's a "door mat," so to speak, then he'll probably not learn on his own. I can only speak for myself, but in my case, it took an extreme measure (My ex dumping me for being a door mat) for me to wise up and fix my issues. At least she told me what they were so I could identify the problem and correct the behavior.

 

hey, what do you mean by this? the "nothing to act on"? do you think he maybe is avoiding talking to me because he doesn't think he's ready for me yet, and know if he makes a move then i'll respond positively and want to get back with him? because that is precisely the impression i gave him last time we talked (like half a year ago). but since then, i haven't made any move to talk to him again. and him the same. hmm...

 

If he hasn't changed and improved his confidence and self-esteem, do you even want him back? If you take him back, you should start and friends first (as Universe has pointed out quite eloquently) and work from there. You really can't jump right back into the relationship where you left off. Especially if nothing has changed on either end. It'll be doomed for failure.

 

In order for this to work, he first has to recognize his problem and be willing to not only work on correcting his behavior but do it for himself.

[blue16]

I still think deep-down he still has feelings for you. Whenever someone goes out of their way to ignore someone (and they previously had feelings for them) then you can bet they are still into them. If he just politely said hi to you, treats you with indifference then you can say he doesn't like you anymore but this case is different.

 

You also never mentioned how you have treated him lately. Have u been ignoring him as well? Have you blown him off, or just treated him like any other person? I think it's a definite possiblility he thinks you're done with him so he has given up, doesn't want to waste anymore of his time and has just decided to full-on ignore. Basically wants to cleanse you out of his system so it's easier to get over you.

 

If you want him back you better show him quick before it's too late.

[elijahBailey]

My guess is that

 

you probably have the upperhand in the status quo. And he is probably trying to salvage whatever pride that is still left. If he's the egotistical type, then it's not surprsing.

 

But the info that you've given is insufficient to say whether he still wants to get back together with you, although I think he's still got feelings for you (and hence the way he acted).

 

good luck

[moimeme]

secretly in the back of my mind hoping one day he will learn to stand up for himself and find out what and WHO he really wants in life.

 

You make a huge mistake wanting someone for his potential, which is what this statement is about. He cheated on you before and will most likely do it again, particularly if he's not much for standing up for himself.

 

You've already described this relationship as 'tumultuous'. Do you think it makes any sense at all to want to be back in it? Are you maybe addicted to drama or somehow think that a lot of tumult is 'romantic'.

 

Forget about whether he wants you back. You've already listed plenty of reasons why he's a bad deal. You get him back, you'll be back here asking why he won't stand up for himself and how come he cheated on you again.

[SuperFantastico]

I think he still likes you but its too painful for him to see you with other guys AND a bit of spitful vengance for you ignoring him. eye for and eye(in his mind even though he deserved it)

 

He wants space, give it to him. Belive me, im in almost the exact same situation that he is in.(only without the cheating) Its extreamly difficult and painful to cut off all contact from someone you are crazy about, but cant be with.

 

And dont fall into the whole ' now that i cant have him i want him' thing. Hes already got you thinking about him and trying to figure him out IE chasing him. And we all know about the thrill of the chase.

[jen03]

hey, wow, i wasn't expecting all these great views on my situation here thanks all!

 

well i did the NC thing for a couple years and then came back to him, telling him i really did care for him and love him. he was with another girl, not sure if they're still together now. he said he wish i told him earlier, he would've gotten together with me in a heartbeat. but now things were confusing for him. plus, i could still sense a little immaturity.

 

i've called him a couple times after that, to see how things were going for him, wish him a happy bday, etc. he'd always get really tongue-tied and say he had to go. his friends think i am really hot so maybe that is contributing to his insecurity. he might think he is not good enough for me? i'm very conservative and he has done quite a few wild things.

 

but now that he hasn't called me or initiated anything, i've stopped contacting him. it's been about half a year now.

 

so he does know i'm still interested (if the calling thing is sufficient to make my interest clear enough!), so i think the ball is in his court... he has a lot of pride though... what do y'all think?

[jen03]

hey, so now i have started to pointedly ignore him, too, and he is going MORE out of his way to OBVIOUSLY avoid me!! it is starting to get to the point of being silly! he will totally change direction when we are walking towards each other, and he will literally turn his head to the side when passing me by. is this an ego thing? how can i make him get over this? i was going to just do no contact, but does it sound like he's trying to pique my curiosity and get me back to talk to him again? in this case what do u think would be most effective, for me to do?

 

a lil background info: we had a "falling out" over something he did, i started ignoring him, he stayed away from me too, then i went back to him and told him i really cared for him and told him all my feelings for him. too late, he had a g/f. now i don't know if they've broken up, but he started all this avoiding stuff ever since i gave up talking to him for the past half year. i'm also having trouble just figuring out his motive here.

[elijahBailey]

Originally posted by jen03

hey, so now i have started to pointedly ignore him, too, and he is going MORE out of his way to OBVIOUSLY avoid me!! it is starting to get to the point of being silly!

This is so funny..... and ridiculous too

 

Originally posted by jen03

and he will literally turn his head to the side when passing me by.

oh wow, 'immaturity' has just been brought to a new low

 

is this an ego thing?

You bet it is

 

how can i make him get over this?

 

Well, you can't.... at least not with the NC in place. One of you has to blink, and, from the way you described him, I don't see him being the one

 

i was going to just do no contact, but does it sound like he's trying to pique my curiosity and get me back to talk to him again? in this case what do u think would be most effective, for me to do?

 

most effective...? you meant to start talking again? Sorry, but I think you'd have to blink first.

 

But, consider this.... he cheated on you before, he's got loads of ego, and he does sound a little immature, do you think it would be wise to get back again? I dunno, you decide...

 

However, if what you want is just to start talking just so you can be friends again, I don't see why you should be as prideful as him. But, of course, if you do decide to talk, and he acts like a jerk, then go back to 'no contact' again.

 

Someone said something about him being in pain. If you've been seeing other guys after your breakup, then I can understand why he's doing all these things.

 

then i went back to him and told him i really cared for him and told him all my feelings for him.

 

yeah, I can see you're not over him yet. But you're the only one who can best decide what's good for yourself.

 

good luck

[jen03]

i told him i would not see any other guys, and he actually encouraged me to, hesitantly. he looked in pain. but i told him that i really would not. now that i haven't spoken to him in a while, he has no way of knowing if i'm dating anyone or not.

 

it would be the third attempt (from my end) of contacting him, and he still has not made any effort.

 

his bday is coming up, and i am thinking of calling him to say happy bday. but he'd probably get smug in knowing he still has me under his thumb, or has me thinking about him at least. and isn't it true that as long as a guy knows he's "got" you thinking about him, he doesn't have to do anything on his part.

 

but at the same time, if he feels he can't be secure with you, he's likely to stop trying to contact you, throw his hands in the air, and back off. so how to maintain that balance? isn't it hard?

 

thinking of waiting it through until he gets the guts to contact me... maybe it just takes time for maturity... what do you guys think?

[angelj]

im in the same situation...

 

it sucks.

 

dont call him, he doesnt deserve it. and even though you think it would be great to be with him again...im telling you it wouldnt be. dont call, they all come back eventually.

 

but do let me know what happens...im going on 2 weeks tomorrow NC...its been rough. AND i quit my job over it. (working with him not so good...)

[jen03]

sorry to hear you're going thru the same thing angel. but then you gotta wonder, what if i don't call and they just give up, thinking you've moved on. part of me worries if i don't call, he's going to think i don't care about him & have moved on , which i haven't, really. i am thinking of just calling him and telling him happy bday, which is coming up soon. other than that, i haven't talked to him in half a year. me calling him, however, might just make him think "oh i still have her in my grasp" unless i try to make it sound super-casual.... haha... don't know if that will work

 

also... blue16, what do you mean about "drive him away".... if i try talking to him again, i heard if you push people, it just pushes them away...? do you know of any guys who like a girl but for some reason are not talking to them (but still have feelings for them), and are just sorta waiting for the girl to take action?

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by jen03

hey, so now i have started to pointedly ignore him, too, and he is going MORE out of his way to OBVIOUSLY avoid me!! it is starting to get to the point of being silly! he will totally change direction when we are walking towards each other, and he will literally turn his head to the side when passing me by.

 

This is so funny it is unreal. I have an ex g/f and she does to me the exact same thing that your ex b/f is doing to you. I mean word for word. I thought she was the only immature person that I knew but I guess there is another one. She will even leave a room if I walk into it and she is there.

 

I really liked her but as she has been acting this way for over a year now I have moved on. It has been hard on me because I really cared for her but I am at the point where I try to avoid her as much as I can because I still have a little feeling for her and I don't want to. The avoidance thing is to purge her out of my system.

She is realizing that I am avoiding her and she now tries to come around if she know I am somewhere. She still doesn't speak but I can tell she wants to see me. Guess what? I don't care. It is to late and I want nothing to do with her.

 

I would say in your situation that he is trying to get you out of his system and move on. i think it is beyond wanting to get attention from you after so long. I may be wrong but I would forget him and find someone who is more mature and able to carry on a relationship.

 

This is why we broke up because I wanted a serious relationship with her and she wasn't ready. I never realized just how immature she was until she started acting like a 5 year old. I will tell you she even left a restaurant that some friends and her were eating at because I came over to the table and said hello. Let him go and find someone more suitable....

[angelj]

i do understand what you are saying but from what ive learned...regardless of if they think you have interest or not, if a guy wants you/wants to talk to you, he will make the effort. at least i think thats true...

[AndrewJ]

"do understand what you are saying but from what ive learned...regardless of if they think you have interest or not, if a guy wants you/wants to talk to you, he will make the effort. at least i think thats true...

 

 

Being a Guy I agree

[jen03]

knowing him, though, he is very insecure and has a lot of pride. but good qualities i see outweigh these bad ones. from what he's said, to me and to our mutual friends, it seems he sees me as marriage material but doesn't want to get involved with me because he knows he'd hurt me right now, because he's still playful and wants to date around still. in other words... saving me for later. do guys actually do this??

 

and, so calling him to wish him happy bday would probably not be a good idea...?

[AndrewJ]

Calling someone to wish them happy b'day is a nice gesture.

 

Alos shows thta u care as well.

 

No harm in showing someone that u care for them.

[blue16]

The situation you are in right now is remarkably like the situation I was in (except genders reversed), now that I think about it. Also keep note she had a bf during most of these power struggles that were going on, and I was single - exactly like your situation except reversed genders.

 

what if i don't call and they just give up, thinking you've moved on. part of me worries if i don't call, he's going to think i don't care about him & have moved on

 

It's a catch 22. If you keep ignoring him...then you're right it is likely he will think you have moved on and no longer care for him. However, if you contact him and tell him how you feel then he regains the power because you were the first one to blink. But there comes a time when you have to be the better person and give in a little to make things right. Even if it means giving up your power a little bit, it's worth it if you can get back on good terms.

 

do you know of any guys who like a girl but for some reason are not talking to them (but still have feelings for them), and are just sorta waiting for the girl to take action?

 

After a silly 4-5 month no-contact period, I finally just went up to her and made sure we were cool and kind of suggested we should be friendly again and she agreed. However, I started talking to her more often, and she wasn't being receptive. We talked a few times, but she just wasn't acting the same towards me - she treated me like I was just some random guy, and it wasn't doing it for me. That's the stage you are at right now in my opinion.

 

After trying several times to talk with her and get things to they way they were (or atleast close) and being unsuccessful, I just thought "You know what, that's it I'm not wasting anymore time with her." I did the purposeful ignoring which this guy is doing, maybe not as obvious as he did but I made sure not to even look at her let alone talk to her. At first it was very hard not to atleast say hi, but I got used to it and I finally felt free from her spell (so to speak). It wasn't my goal to see whether she would notice I was ignoring her or not, I was doing it for myself to get her out of my system. Anyways, less than a week goes by all of a sudden she is trying to talk to me now, apparently she noticed lol. It was quite hilarious actually.

 

What I suggest you do is similar to what I did, just talk to him honestly and make sure everythings cool between you two. Wish him a happy birthday, make sure that you two are cool or whatever. If he isn't mature enough to start being civil towards you then you should move on. If you are being honest with him and you want to be friendly with each other and he still can't accept that - then you need to ignore him because he is not worth your time.

 

If the two of you can be on friendly terms again, you can perhaps see if she is still dating this girl. Don't pry, but once you become comfortable with each other again you can get a sense of whether he is single and willing to give it another shot.

 

PS - Also start dating other guys, your #1 option shouldn't be someone you haven't talked with in a long time - someone who may or may not have a gf. It will help you take your mind off this situation, jen.

[jen03]

hey blue, thanks!! amazingly perceptive post you got there... i agree, it really does seem like we have the same situation going on! so how are things now? if she tried calling YOU and wishing you a happy bday, would you just think she's doing it just because she doesn't "have" you anymore? would you take it seriously? do you guys speak anymore?

 

i'm going to give it a shot, wish him a happy bday... it's the second time i'll be "blinking" since i already told him my feelings for him, he confirmed them but said he already had a girlfriend.... we talked for several hours that night.... anyhow, i'll let you know how it goes if you'd like...

[blue16]

Originally posted by jen03

so how are things now?

 

We aren't ignoring each other anymore, but we don't really talk unless we happen to bump into each other at college. I guess we're like casual acquiantences now or something like that.

 

if she tried calling YOU and wishing you a happy bday, would you just think she's doing it just because she doesn't "have" you anymore? would you take it seriously?

 

I would definitely be curious, kind of wondering why she'd go out of her way to talk to me considering we haven't spoken in over 3 months. But again, unless she actually made a serious offer like wanting to get together I would just take it as maybe she misses me/my attention a little bit but nothing more. I mean she's done a similar thing before how could I trust her this time right? Not to mention she probably still has a bf so it's not something I want to get in the middle of.

 

do you guys speak anymore?

 

not really...

 

anyhow, i'll let you know how it goes if you'd like...

 

please post updates - I hope it works out for you, jen.

[jen03]

thanks blue

 

i am thinking of sending him old bday package from last year that i never sent. his bday is coming up soon.

 

i'd have to look up his address to send it to him... is that going over the edge? it was hard to get in touch with him via phone in the past, so this is why i'm considering mail.... does that seem too pushy or weird?

[AndrewJ]

I would send it.

 

Peolpe alwyas like presents