Author jen03 Posted July 9, 2005 Author Share Posted July 9, 2005 hehe true. but i just don't want to seem desperate or freak him out away from me even more... and he still hasn't made any attempt to contact me since i last did... i mean he already knows how i feel about him (i told him i loved him very much, confessed my personal feelings to him), so why the strange avoiding behavior (even though i don't contact him anymore)? is it because he probably is still with his girlfriend? Link to post Share on other sites
blue16 Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 Honestly from what you've said about him I think sending him mail is pushing it. He really hasn't done anything to deserve that kind of attention. Maybe a nice phone call, but I wouldn't do anything more than that. The main problem here IMO (other than the fact that he has a gf) is that I think he knows he 'has' you and you aren't a challenge to him at the moment. From his perspective, he is moving on with his life while you are still single pining for him. Whether that is actually true or not, I think that is what he is thinking on his end of the story. This is the key point that killed me as well. In my situation, the girl moved on while I was still there single like a loser waiting for her. It doesn't really matter if she still liked me, I was no longer a challenge so I wasn't desirable anymore. You should become a challenge. I really think it would be in your best interest to look for someone else. If his friends say that you are 'really hot' then you shouldn't have too much trouble. I don't mean look for the first guy you can find, but keep your options open and don't save yourself for this one guy. I can almost guarantee that his interest in you will increase if he suddenly finds out you are seeing someone else. In the span of about two seconds...you become a challenge, and he realizes that he can't just sit back and do nothing because that routine isn't working anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewJ Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 If someone gets freaked out by a present thtas crazy. Id send it wish him happy B'day, just shows you care. If he doesnt appreaciate it to hell with him. Then its time to pick up the peices and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted July 9, 2005 Share Posted July 9, 2005 he won't freak out when he gets the present. He'll just feel really full of himself. And he'll be thinkin' .... oh hey, I'm doing nothin' on my end and I'm still gettin' all this attention from her. If I were him, I'll really feel gooooood about myself And he may just feel that way; which is fine, really. But the only thing I'd bear in mind is that he may try to take advantage of the situation. Sometimes, it's really hard to do what your mind tells you to when your heart is pointing you in the other direction. It's just something we all go thru But, no matter, Jen....... IMHO, if you're mature enough about it, whichever way you approach it, you won't end up on the losing side. Think about it, if he passes you by, it's his loss Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen03 Posted July 15, 2005 Author Share Posted July 15, 2005 hey, sorry for not updating earlier... so i called him last week to wish him a happy birthday, and we ended up talking about a bunch of random stuff for like an hour... it was weird! he wanted me to call him back so we could plan a time to get lunch together sometime. he often says stuff just to be nice though (i think), i noticed in the past-- and doesn't always stick to his plans. but i'm guessing he is regarding me as a friend again... weird since he was doing the ignoring thing, he seemed completely cool and casual while talking to me, asking me how i was doing, what's new... hmm i don't want to pop the "so how are you and so-and-so doing" question yet... when does that usually come? Link to post Share on other sites
angelj Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 that is good but why cant HE call you back? why do you have to be the one to call again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen03 Posted July 15, 2005 Author Share Posted July 15, 2005 hm.. don't know. i guess he likes to feel needed...? Link to post Share on other sites
angelj Posted July 15, 2005 Share Posted July 15, 2005 seriously i think if he wants to hang out...he can call. hes probably still involved with that other chic. why should u have to do all the dang work??? why not find someone who WANTS to see you and wants to talk to you and not wait around till you fit in on someone elses time schedule?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen03 Posted August 15, 2005 Author Share Posted August 15, 2005 hey angel... that is true.. lil update: he still has not called; when he was going out with another girl he didn't call me but i later found out he was obsessing over me, but he never contacted me because his girlfriend was really controlling. he may not have the balls? or should i just quit making excuses for him? part of me is like, if you really like him you should keep on at it, but then again, sometimes i feel when we talk (we talked for an hour when i called him up last, he was trying to impress me with stuff he knew i liked, etc) he really DOES want to be with me, but something is holding him back. he tells me to call when i am around town so we can get together, but then again, maybe it's just out of courtesy....? i don't know what to think... Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted August 15, 2005 Share Posted August 15, 2005 The ball is in his court. I wouldn't call again. Hopefully you guys aren't playing the silly ignore game anymore and are at least acknowledging that the other exists! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen03 Posted August 16, 2005 Author Share Posted August 16, 2005 is the ball really in his court though? i called him to say hapy birthday but my birthday was yesterday andd he KNOWS it and he still did not call! when we last talked on his birthday, i was in florida (vacationing) and he said to call when i am back in town (so we can hang out or something). which i haven't done yet, because i donno if he was just saying that to be polite. and also, still no call or nothing on my own birthday from him....? Link to post Share on other sites
60sdreamgirl Posted August 16, 2005 Share Posted August 16, 2005 sounds like he is keep on putting the ball back in your court. couldnt really tell u why tho. possibly cuz he doesnt know what he wants, or its just easier for him to ignore u and not have u as a "temptation" around if he is actualy still datin that other chic. as a plan of action id wanna say ignore him but that can just be like a silly ol game. then again this time u would have good reason to cuz he didnt call u up on ur bday,, and plus didnt u say he never really calls u? sorry hon i dont get this guy. u guys talk a lot when u call. and even when u were friends he never called but still considered u like his best friend. so bein passive just seems his nature . thats my psychoanalysis, two cents whatev u wanna call it Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted August 16, 2005 Share Posted August 16, 2005 Jen.... simple question..... does he know you wanna have a relationship with him? Thing why I asked is this... If you're not making it clear to him, then you can't expect him to 'abandon his boat'. And, no, don't assume that 'oh, he should know'.....or...... 'oh, he can't be that ignorant'. Right now he's seeing someone else, so, even if the other chick is 'controlling', well at least he's gettin' some. Also, he did wrong to you in the past, so if you're not clear about your intentions, why would he even think he has a remote chance with you? Plus, he's not doing anything now cos he doesn't want to cheat. He deserves some major points He may also be ambivalent. If so, the easiest thing for him to do is... well... nothing. Seems like you can't get over him. I know how that feels. I never forget the first girl I dated. Therefore........ let him know, and see how it turns out. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen03 Posted August 16, 2005 Author Share Posted August 16, 2005 hi elijah, i think he definitely knows i want to have a relationship with him- i confronted him about this like half a year ago, and he said it was a shock to him... we talked for a long time and he seemed really insecure, asking me questions like if i would be willing to relocate to another city with him for his job, talking about children, etc. throughout it all, i said i would do anything, i just really realized how much i loved him and wanted to be with him. he said he loved me too, but also his girlfriend, and he could not leave her because she has been so good to him (esp. after his ex cheated on him). he said he wished i came to him earlier and seemed genuinely bitter. i did also make it clear though that i wasn't giving "it" up, when the subject came up. i am guessing he is also getting some from his current gf, and sex life seems important to him. also his family is closer with his current gf. i do want to keep in touch with him (showing him that i really do care, consistently)....but i feel sometimes the only way he may truly "come back" is if i "leave" for good-- as in, no contact. but then, he may feel like i have really moved on (he knows there are other guys who want to be with me; also he has low self esteem and is apathetic at times). i am not quite sure what to do at this point... Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted August 16, 2005 Share Posted August 16, 2005 oh wow, I had to fight back a tear here <sniff> It seems like he did a lot of growing up since you ended your relationship with him. He cheated, then he got cheated on. Guess he knows now it wasn't a great feeling. I'm just pretty impressed by his resolve to stick with his current g/f given that he still has feelings for you. Yeah, d*mn, these things happen. I can have feelings for more than one person at the same time. But, sometimes, other factors like family, social, etc... play their part in the decision making. So, I guess things can't be coerced. and he could not leave her because she has been so good to him (esp. after his ex cheated on him). he seemed really insecure, asking me questions like if i would be willing to relocate to another city with him for his job, talking about children, etc. throughout it all, also his family is closer with his current gf. here lies the primary, secondary and tertiary reasons... Probably after all he's gone thru, he doesn't want shyt to happen to him again, now that something good's in his life (ie his g/f) i do want to keep in touch with him (showing him that i really do care, consistently)....but i feel sometimes the only way he may truly "come back" is if i "leave" for good-- as in, no contact. it may, it may not. Didn't you already do that? But don't do that just to get a reaction out of him. Ain't fair for him nor for you. After all the two of you have gone thru, just be honest. If you wanna move on, tell him so. Like say it's unbearable for you and that you wanna stop all contact with him. But mean it, not just to get a rise out of him. Then, if he's interested, he'll move. Anyhow, one thing for sure is that, if things don't work out between you two, he'll always be thinking of you, even years later..... if that's any consolation Link to post Share on other sites
snailz Posted August 16, 2005 Share Posted August 16, 2005 Hey babes PLZ DONT CALL HIM AGAIN!!!!! He's confusing you and making you feel ****ty, he has no right to do that, you have made so much effort and what has he done....? and how rude that he didnt even call you on your birthday. I think this guy DOES like you but he has serious control issues going on, i think he wants you to chase him and when you dont- it upsets his whole stupid macho pride, its pathetic, he should grow up admit he likes you and stop acting like a complete jerk whenever you are around, if he cant do this then kick him to the curb!!!! Oh and somebody made an interesting point in a previous entry, about the fact they always come back- in my experience this is so true, they DO always come back Let him come to you this time- he will do Link to post Share on other sites
blue16 Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 No contact. And no contact doesn't just mean don't call him. It doesn't mean only answer when he calls. Ignore him completely. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Although I agree that NC is best for Jen (this may save her sanity), this pretty much means there's no turning back for her. He won't flinch if she does the NC (go thru the entire thread, you'll know what I mean). At this point of time, I don't think he's playing games. You can usually tell if a person is playing games. My hunch is that he's not. A person playing games will not just there pretty and do nothing. He'll tease you with a call, and then leave you out in the cold to agonize. From what she's been telling us, he never once flinched. So games is not what he has in mind. I think he may be slightly immature and insecure. OP's the one that can't take him out of her mind. But, don't blame the guy. He's doing nothing wrong. He's in a relationship and he's not cheating. One thing that puts the OP at a disadvantage is that she told him she wasn't giving up; unfortunately that tells him he's got time on his side, while the OP is suffering big time. The best way out for the OP, IMHO, is to get a grip on things by resolving to move on. Make that decision mentally, stick to it.... then... give this pretty boy a last call and tell him, feelings for him or not, she has to move on. He may or he may not call back. If he doesn't, then just suffer the temporal withdrawal and move on. It's so much better than tormenting yourself and wasting your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen03 Posted August 18, 2005 Author Share Posted August 18, 2005 hi, thanks for all your replies! i really appreciate it what does OP mean by the way? and i already told him that i had feelings for him and i pressed him basically to choose me or the other girl (half a year ago)... and he kept saying he needed more time, but i told him to do it now or never. he decided to stay with her, but told me things could be different years from now, and if i ever needed anything to call him. he sounded really pained and kept blurting that i was so beautiful, but it really seemed like he was trying to hide it under his huge air of confidence and cockiness... like it would ease the pain more (?) since then, he's made no effort to contact me, but whenever i contacted him (maybe 2 or 3 times since January), he's clutched onto every minute, pressing me with questions about my life, and we end up talking for a long time... should i really call him one more time and tell him/"announce" that i am moving on? would no contact "say" the same thing, or just be taken as the silly game and show immaturity/no care on my part? Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Jen, An OP, in this case, is you, the original poster. I think that you should stop calling him. See him in the office, say hi, be friendly. That's it. He's got a gf. Totally not worth putting yourself through this pain, girl! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen03 Posted August 19, 2005 Author Share Posted August 19, 2005 i would just do NC though, but then again, when i did it last time, he had already broken up with his ex-girlfriend (b/c she cheated on him) and was too dejected/too much pride to call me and get back together, even though he later admitted to me that he thought about me a lot and wanted to get back together, but thought i hated him. i just don't want to make that mistake again... and i don't know if he's still dating this girl... they may have broken up and he has too much pride/hurt to call me? it's all "possibilities" now, but i really wanna be super sure before i move on oh-- and i think it all boils down to (IF he is still with the other girl): he is comfortable/secure with her, and what should i do to make him know he can feel safe/secure with me if he breaks up with her, WITHOUT me looking too desperate... still contemplating calling him to do this/whether to explain my feelings one last time... THANK YOU ALL for your caring replies to all my posts-- i really appreciate it! Link to post Share on other sites
RoseyLife Posted August 22, 2005 Share Posted August 22, 2005 He is probably hesitant to get involved with you again because 1) he is unsure of what he wants and doesn't know if he can give you the kind of relationship that you may demand, and/or 2) he does not want to take the risk of being screwed over again. It sounds like he's in a comfortable position right now with that other girl, and how can he be assured that you'll give him the same level of comfort and reassurance? IMO you need to keep showing persistence to communicate your level of taking him serious. If it means calling him again like he suggested, then do what you want. It seems like either way-- communication or no communication-- this guy is majorly occupying your mind. You already said you've been thinking about him for two years without barely any contact. That's a pretty darn long time... Best of luck Jen... Link to post Share on other sites
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