Out of the game too long

[RobJab]

I need some advice and opinions. I've been dating a girl for a several months now, and she and I are completely in love with one another. We've talked about marriage, kids, growing old.... everything. She's definitely the one for me, I have no doubts about that. I was previously married for 16+ years, and was in that relationship for 20+ years overall. I'm 38 and my girl is 32. Also, this is a long distance relationship where I see her roughly every 2-3 weeks.

 

That's the background, here's where I need the opinions.

 

I feel that she and I have different ideas on what is and is not acceptable in a relationship. Perhaps this is because I was married for so long, different time, etc... I don't know. For example, she went out last night with some friends, and later met up with a random group of guys (that she hadn't previously met) and went bar hopping with them. She made a comment that she spent a lot of her time talking about me and how much she loves me, and said they kept hitting on her. Also, she has a male friend that she's known for YEARS, long before she met me. She told me about how her and another girl put lipstick kiss prints all over his face last night.

 

Call me old fashioned, but I don't feel a significant other in a relationship as serious as ours is should be acting like this. Friend or not, it bothers me that she's kissing all over another guy's face, and I know I would certainly not go bar hopping with a group of girls I'd just met, especially if they were hitting on me. In my opinion, both are disrespectful to the relationship. I don't think she's cheating on me, but it still stings.

 

Am I way off base here? Do I need to chill out? Or are my feelings justified? I've not been in the dating scene for damn near 20 years, so I need some help to figure out if this sort of behavior is normal.

[ExpatInItaly]

I need some advice and opinions. I've been dating a girl for a several months now, and she and I are completely in love with one another. We've talked about marriage, kids, growing old.... everything. She's definitely the one for me, I have no doubts about that. I was previously married for 16+ years, and was in that relationship for 20+ years overall. I'm 38 and my girl is 32. Also, this is a long distance relationship where I see her roughly every 2-3 weeks.

 

That's the background, here's where I need the opinions.

 

I feel that she and I have different ideas on what is and is not acceptable in a relationship. Perhaps this is because I was married for so long, different time, etc... I don't know. For example, she went out last night with some friends, and later met up with a random group of guys (that she hadn't previously met) and went bar hopping with them. She made a comment that she spent a lot of her time talking about me and how much she loves me, and said they kept hitting on her. Also, she has a male friend that she's known for YEARS, long before she met me. She told me about how her and another girl put lipstick kiss prints all over his face last night.

 

Call me old fashioned, but I don't feel a significant other in a relationship as serious as ours is should be acting like this. Friend or not, it bothers me that she's kissing all over another guy's face, and I know I would certainly not go bar hopping with a group of girls I'd just met, especially if they were hitting on me. In my opinion, both are disrespectful to the relationship. I don't think she's cheating on me, but it still stings.

 

Am I way off base here? Do I need to chill out? Or are my feelings justified? I've not been in the dating scene for damn near 20 years, so I need some help to figure out if this sort of behavior is normal.

 

I don't feel you're off-base, OP. I'm a woman too and a couple years older than her and find it disrespectful also. I could perhaps see that type of thing happening from someone a decade younger than her, but not in her thirties. She is sending the wrong messages to strange men and has different boundaries about appropriate behaviour when in a relationship. Even if this kiss victim was a close friend, I don't find that okay.

 

I think going out and having fun with friends is fine, but her actions on this night out would rub me the wrong way.

 

Does she know how you feel?

[RobJab]

I don't feel you're off-base, OP. I'm a woman too and a couple years older than her and find it disrespectful also. I could perhaps see that type of thing happening from someone a decade younger than her, but not in her thirties. She is sending the wrong messages to strange men and has different boundaries about appropriate behaviour when in a relationship. Even if this kiss victim was a close friend, I don't find that okay.

 

I think going out and having fun with friends is fine, but her actions on this night out would rub me the wrong way.

 

Does she know how you feel?

 

Thank you for the reply. I haven't yet talked to her about how I feel because we got into an unrelated argument last night, and I didn't figure the timing was right. I'm glad to see that at least one other person doesn't feel I'm overreacting to the situation. She is very independent, and holds on tight to her freedom. The thing is, she's in a relationship now, she's not just another single girl any more. I had a girl hit on me a few weeks back. I politely told her that I was in a relationship, not choose to go bar hopping with her. I love this girl with all of my being, and I can tell by the way she acts and talks to me that she loves me too. I'm trying to not cross that line of being controlling, but at the same time, let my own feelings be known as well. I want her to go out and have fun with her friends. I want her to enjoy life. I don't expect her to stay at home all the time and wait for my next visit, but at the same time, I also expect certain behavioral changes since she's no longer single. It hurts to know she acted this way last night. I'd never do that to her.

Edited April 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language~T

[Sparta]

OP she is not for you dude ... She playing games with you... Not not acceptable under any circumstances is that behavior she's playing games with you, break up with her be done. She probably kind of resents that you can't be there all the time and that's her way of dealing with it. which is immature and it shows you that you she's for you. Call her and tell her you're done I'm not putting up with that *****. She knows it's not gonna work. OP seriously and don't have too much dialogue with her just Cry and sucky back in just tell her done.

[RobJab]

Even if this kiss victim was a close friend, I don't find that okay.

 

One additional note on this for full disclosure, she has known this guy for years, and is close friends with both him and his wife. Apparently this sort of behavior is acceptable for the 3 of them. I don't see it that way. I don't want her kissing another guy's face whether it's just goofing off or something more. If the roles were reversed, and one of my female friends tried to cover my face in kisses, I wouldn't allow it out of respect for my girlfriend, and I would expect my girlfriend wouldn't like it either.

[RobJab]

OP she is not for you dude ... She playing games with you... Not not acceptable under any circumstances is that behavior she's playing games with you, break up with her be done. She probably kind of resents that you can't be there all the time and that's her way of dealing with it. which is immature and it shows you that you she's for you. Call her and tell her you're done I'm not putting up with that *****. She knows it's not gonna work. OP seriously and don't have too much dialogue with her just Cry and sucky back in just tell her done.

 

I appreciate your candor, but breaking up with her is not an option. I'm a middle-aged guy, not a teenager blinded by what I think is love, and I can tell that what she and I have is pure love. She shows me constantly how much she loves me, but she just has some things to change... it's like her line of thinking is still looking at herself as single and free to do/act as she chooses. I truly don't believe this is her playing games. I'm a very analytical person and I examine everything that happens inside and out. I was skeptical of falling for her so hard and so quickly, but I can see that she and I are truly soul mates. We just have a few things to work on.

[ExpatInItaly]

I appreciate your candor, but breaking up with her is not an option. I'm a middle-aged guy, not a teenager blinded by what I think is love, and I can tell that what she and I have is pure love. She shows me constantly how much she loves me, but she just has some things to change... it's like her line of thinking is still looking at herself as single and free to do/act as she chooses. I truly don't believe this is her playing games. I'm a very analytical person and I examine everything that happens inside and out. I was skeptical of falling for her so hard and so quickly, but I can see that she and I are truly soul mates. We just have a few things to work on.

 

How is that pure love, exactly?

 

I think all you can do is talk to her about how this behaviour makes you feel. She either respects your feelings and tones it down, or not. And then you can decide if you're willing to accept her as she is, or not.

 

What will you do if she continues to do things like this?

[smackie9]

Obviously you have a misconception of this girl being "the one". Her behavior proves she's not who you think she is. I believe she is making a point... it's not what you think this relaitonship is....she is just playing games. If I were you I wouldn't invest anymore of your time.