13 months out..minor setback [update 2016-06-14]

[jonesey0]

Havent posted in a while, things have been going good with my life, starting to get back on track.

Its now 13 months since she broke up with me, and i havent seen her or contacted her in any way since august. She texted me in october, but i ignored it.

Just to get some context, we were engaged and dated for 14 years. She broke up out of the blue, we were in limited contact for 5 months, met 4 times, never ever discussed the breakup or anything related to it. Last time i saw her and talked to her was august last year, when we met and had dinner for four hours, and it was great.

 

Well, anyway, the reason im posting is because of some events of last week.

Ive been doing well, im past the breakup, i still miss the relationship and history we had together, but i dont miss her.

 

Christmas, new years, our relationship aniversary, one year of breakup, those dates all went by and i was ok with it.

 

Two weeks ago, around easter, it was her fathers birthday, and for the first time since the breakup, i didnt wish a happy birthday. Since the breakup, i always sent a text to her family membros wishing happy birthday, and so did she.

 

4 days later, im at work, and my phone rings just one time, and it was her mother. Since it was just one ring, i figured she just dialed the wrong number, and didnt put any importance in it. Still, it was the first time in one year that her mother misdialed my number.

 

One week later, at almost midnight, im smoking outside my parents house, and i hear my phone ringing several times. When i get there, i saw it was her mother again.

 

After some thought, i decided to call her back, but she didnt answer. One hour later, she texts me saying she dialed the wrong number, if everything is alright with me, and sending kisses. I repplied with just im doing fine, thank you kisses.

 

The next day, around 2pm, she calls me again. I didnt pick up, and now im really angry at all of this.

 

When im in my parents hometown, i always go for coffee with my father at the same place on saturdays, around 3 Pm. Some close friends of my exs mother go there also. In fact, they saw me there the week before.

 

That saturday, i which she called me, i told my father that i wont be going. He went alone, and her parents were there. First time in one year they went there, at 3 Pm, like we use to do.

 

The week before my ex also posted one of my favourite songs on facebook, which i thought was a really mean thing to do.

 

Bottom line: this was really a setback for me. And i didnt even started wondering if this means anything related to my ex.

 

Why, 13 months later and almost over the hell ive been through, this events caused me to feel bad again?

 

Any input would be much appreciated, thank you.

[JuanDelToro]

Don`t feel bad about it and certainly don`t dwell on such situations. You were with that women for a very long time. The time that has gone by after the break-up is not nearly enough to have all of your feelings resolved so you`ll certainly go through `down periods` even now. Also don`t forget that you`ve had an established relationship with her family as well, so not only they will remind you of her but also it is another breakup/loss that you are dealing with.

 

I certainly feel you though, cause i was on a similar boat.

[Pansthename]

Hello there. This is my first ever time post on here. I am 7 months since breakup from my ex and i still feel hurt. Some days i feel great others i just want to sleep sleep sleep sleep and forget about the world. Anyway my ex contacted me not long ago telling me she still loves me and doesn't want to let me go. Then last months she sends me a picture of something that made her laugh and when i messaged back she ignored me. Anyway my head has been all over the place for about 4 months and im just wondering what i have to do to be ok again. She is in a new relationship now and im single and most times miserable. Why did she contact me if she was with this new guy. I'll be honest its pissed me right off. Anyway how are you doing now? I saw your post and thought i'd try a message. It is my first ever message on here so i hope it finds you and also i get a reply. All the best.

[sorano]

Maybe you just re jogged some old memories and they hit a few nerves. Im 4 months out of my relationship. I did have a setback just like you about two weeks ago. This week has been good.

 

Good news is, I don't miss her. I am now back in the anger phase. which I heard is good. Keep no contact and stick with it

[jonesey0]

Those events i described in this thread had set me back on my healing, and i feel like i went backwards some months.

 

Since that had no followup, i disregarded it, and was back to my normal self in the past few days.

 

Well, yesterday was my birthday.

Her parents called me wishing me happy birthday, her brother sent me a text wishing happy birthday....other relatives of her sent messages on facebook....and she texted me too.

Last time i had contact with her was 9 months ago. She texted asked how i was doing two months later, and i didnt answer. Since that, nothing from both parts. And i was fine with it.

 

Why would she wish me happy birthday ( and a very entusiastic one ) after all this time? Whats her point in doing this?

 

Another roadblock, and i spent all my day with this on my mind ( she sent the text very early in the day ).

 

Any advice? Im really needin some. Dont know what else can i do to move on.

And her birthday is next week.

 

Thanks.

[sorano]

I know it sucks but if her family and everyone she knows keeps talking to you, its going to set you back. My opinion? you need no contact from anyone.

[The_Dork_Lard]

her birthday is next week.

 

What are you going to do?

[jonesey0]

I think i will just text her a simple happy birthday message.

The worst is that my family is now also pressured to the same, since her family have greated me.

 

This sucks.

[jonesey0]

And today she facetimes me, rings one time, and hangs up.

 

Didnt even sent a message saying she misdialed (if that was the case).

 

What the hell is going on? Getting really confused...

[jonesey0]

Didnt sent her a happy birthday text.

 

Thought about it for a while during the day, didnt found one positive outcome for me to do it. Nothing to gain there.

 

Think i passed one more hurdle till full recovery.

[privategal]

Didnt sent her a happy birthday text.

 

Thought about it for a while during the day, didnt found one positive outcome for me to do it. Nothing to gain there.

 

Think i passed one more hurdle till full recovery.

Really proud of you I know that took effort to take that step and was maybe a little hard to do but imo we wish happy birthday and holidays to people in our inner circle who have chosen to stay with us and active in our lives.

This is part of NC and also about putting yourself first and taking your healing seriously.

Lets say you did say Happy Birthday...and she replied "thanks" you are back at square one anyways...and if she followed up with "how are you"? That really isnt her place to get to know how you are or follow up on your life...you did the right thing and sent a strong message that you are moving on and the breadcrumbs from her and even the way she asked your family to contact did not suceed in making you break your own boundaries or dragging things out more. Great job!

[jonesey0]

Really proud of you I know that took effort to take that step and was maybe a little hard to do but imo we wish happy birthday and holidays to people in our inner circle who have chosen to stay with us and active in our lives.

This is part of NC and also about putting yourself first and taking your healing seriously.

Lets say you did say Happy Birthday...and she replied "thanks" you are back at square one anyways...and if she followed up with "how are you"? That really isnt her place to get to know how you are or follow up on your life...you did the right thing and sent a strong message that you are moving on and the breadcrumbs from her and even the way she asked your family to contact did not suceed in making you break your own boundaries or dragging things out more. Great job!

 

Thank you.

It was really tough yesterday, felt like 10 months ago when my mind was all over the place.

But i did the right thing, and today i felt alot better than ive been doing lately.

[jonesey0]

Some of you know my story.

We were together for 14 years, she broke up more than one year ago.

I cut contact with her 10 months ago, she texted a couple of times and i ignored, including my birthday. Didnt wish her happy birthday, which was one week after mine.

 

These past two years, pre-breakup and post-breakup have been the toughest of my life. I am very fortunate to have lived a great life, with a great and supporting family, great job, very secure finantially for my age (32), and a very happy and fullfilling relationship with my now ex for 14 years.

 

I always achieved everything that i wanted, and never was denied of anything.

 

Since the breakup, im even closer with my family, im even doing better in my profissional life, i have improved myself physically and mentally immensely.

 

So, why do i feel so empty nowadays? I cant get myself happy or psyched for anything. I used to be a guy who would take pleasure in everything i invested my time with: music, sports, hanging out with friends and family...

 

I feel like my life is running away from me, that i an just going through the days without anything to remember them.

 

I work long hours, come home, eat, play with my dog, watch some series on tv, smoke a couple of cigarrares on my balcony while listening to music, brush my teeth and go to sleep.

 

Weekends arent much better.

 

Im over the breakup, i dont miss her like i did months ago, everyone who knows me thinks im great and life is great...

 

Why im still stuck in this? Why cant my life move forward?

 

I have 99.9% good memories of our time together and 0.01% of bad times, all in the last months.

 

Maybe this is the reason? Its really hard to find that one person who you KNOW you want to spend your life with. And i found it in my first real girlfriend. And she rejected me after so many years.

 

Any advice on how to deal with this, I would appreciate.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

14 years.. I think you're being too hard on yourself. 14 years with a person would certainly accumulate many memories. In addition to the amount of contact you've had with you ex lately. I think you should give yourself more time to process your changes in your life before stressing about the future. Live in the present and take each day, one at a time. Worrying about the future and how you will move your life along will cause you to miss the present.

If you feel your stuck in a boring routine, change it up. I know how it feels to not get pleasure from things in life. I struggle with it everyday, but I won't accept this present state since I am unhappy with it. What can you do differently today or tomorrow? For me, it's moving to a new country. I don't have a stable career as you do though, so you probably don't need to do something that drastic. Maybe you need to find a new and exciting hobby. Is there anything that use to interest you or something you once said you might like to try?

 

Utilizing today is how you move you life along.

[Densel]

7 months out for me. I am over the break up but I still love my ex.

 

I am doing the same routine(about the same as you) almost everyday too.

 

I think you still love your ex, if not you would not have that minor setback.

 

Few months ago, I was also questioning myself, why after few months I still love her and cant forget her. I feel miserable and useless that she is still in my heart, in my mind. I dont enjoy anything I do, i dont feel the joy of winning a lucky draw. Everything is just neutral to me.

 

But I got used to it. There is no solution. You cant force it, you cant force the person out of your heart and mind.

 

There is no timeline to heal, to forget someone and to love someone.

 

We can only take one day at a time. Be true to ourselves.

[Marc878]

IMO you should just block everything. They are nothing to you now.

 

Block cell #'s, Facebook. You don't need the setbacks.

 

You've done a good job so far. Finish it.

[Marc878]

Using your head in these matters helps. It just takes the heart longer to get there.

 

Once a person dumps you it's always best to move on. They seem to always want to throw out breadcrumbs for whatever reason.

[jonesey0]

Hey there.

 

Last week was tough. And i cant even identify why. Thought about her all week, and how my life is not moving forward and i cant seem to be able to get out of this limbo in which im stuck.

 

Went to my therapist for the first time in six months...just felt the need to talk with someone about what is going on in my mind.

 

My ex congratulated my nephew for his birthday (he's 14, she was one of the first persons to see him when he was born...)

 

Later that week she drove across my father and waved at him...first time in a year they crossed paths, and they live 500m apart.

 

Then she made a post on facebook saying she wants to sell her smartphone, first one she had. It was my first iPhone, and i gave it to her when i bought my new one. It was 3 months before she broke up with me. Its perfectly normal for her to change phones and sell the old one. But to make it a auction on facebook? With me and everyone of our friend knowing it was mine? Thats just very low, never expected something like that from her.

 

My therapist says the issue is that i always had everything go my way in my life. I always had everything i had, and never had to really fight for anything.

 

She pursued me when we began dating, i went through highschool and college without putting my heart into it, and still graduated and landed a great job.

 

In my first job, i really loved it, and gave everything i had. It was great, i loved my job, and my career skyrocket in 4 years. From my first paycheck to the last, i was raised nearly 300%!! ?

 

My current job, im very well paid, appreciated by all my pairs, but since all of this has happened, my heart is not on it.

 

Am i going through all of this because this is the first time im rejected? That someone thinks im not good enough for them? That altough i gave everything i had for our relationship, she didnt want me and cut me off her life?

 

It breaks my heart that she could move along with her life, without even thinking about me and what we had built together. I have flaws, many flaws, but she was everything to me. I always tried to make her happy. If she was happy, I was happy.

 

Really dont know what to do. The last few months have passed so fast, and while i live a good life, have people who appreciate me and love me...im not happy.

 

Somedays i wake up and have these thoughts that i will wake up 5 years from now, and my life will be the same as it is now. And that freightens me.

[BelleSkye]

Hang in there - sending my best wishes your way. Pray that you get over her soon and life gets better.

[Still recovering]

Hey Bro you are definitely not alone in what you are going through. With my ex for 17 years and NC for the last 8 months after i found out she started dating someone. Like you i have made tonnes of progress in my life, new good paying job, new car, new friends, in good shape. I should be happy, and part of me is, but i just can't stop thinking about her. What makes it worse is that i get the impression she does not think of me at all. I haven't heard a thing from her in 8 months, not a happy birthday, nothing. Maybe i should be glad that she has respected my wishes and not contacted me, but on the other hand it has made me feel insignificant. Like you, all of my memories of my ex are good, the last time i spoke to her all she did was gaslight me and brought up every little thing i ever did wrong in our relationship.

 

All we can do is maintain NC and hope these thoughts and feelings fade. Reaching out is a huge no-no. Take it from the moron who drove past her house the other day, noticed her car not there, and began to think that she is now living with that guy she was seeing. Like my ex I tried to distract myself with dating, but it was too soon and just made me miss her more. It is absolutely f***ed up how someone who was with you for over a decade, a companion, a best friend, someone you knew so intimately, better than anyone else on this planet, is now just a stranger.