just separated it's hurts so much

[Terfo]

It's difficult to summarize 10 years of a relationship with 5 of those being married, well very close to 5. My first true love and I hers, it hurts to just write this. It probably is very rare these days that two people marry as virgins, we did.

 

The last two years together our sexlife has greatly declined. There is the problem, at least I believe it to be. I have always made myself available in that area, but as a relationship has grown things get a little boring. I get it. People can suggest to try new things but she's was not willing or receptive. Our decline also coincided with her flip flopping on us having children, she was for it and then against but this is something we discussed before marriage at great length.

 

We have no children, have good jobs, she hasn't taken my name, she's drinking quite a lot and is very sad. She had a work relationship with a male that she later has confessed she has feelings for, I knew she was talking to a lot of friends through text and in particular this guy which it wasn't a secret, I didn't have a problem with having friends from work even men , no big deal. Then it became too much and I expressed that it was starting to make me jealous. She told me she would stop texting him. She did for a while, he moved on to another job far away and she was devistated.

 

Now after she told me about having feelings for him I asked her to choose me or him, she chose to be with me and promised to stop. I understand marriage is hard work at times but I don't think she fully gets the concept. There's ups and downs, that was a big down, I get it she's human I can move on. Recently while at a friends party her phone was used as the music player she was outside having a cigarette and the music was repeating so I went over to unlock the phone and I see a new text, it pulled my heart out of my chest to see sexual texts between them and they were all recent so I looked more this has continued for a while. I usually respect her space, but given the situation... she has all my passwords and I have hers there has never been a trust issue like this. After seeing this I exploded so it's all over. She hasn't had sex with anyone else she told me and I believe it, but this emotional cheating killed me.

 

I told her we are now separated and I want a divorce, we are living in the same house but not together, it's horrible. She came to me to try and say that the texting and relationship is nothing but if it's nothing why even do it. I don't get this at all. I was always willing to do counselling and we had agreed to go, but she won't follow through with it. She doesn't respect me and now I lost all trust.

 

So right now I'm living in agony, hell, I'm an emotional wreck. I'm feeling like I'm alone and I can't bring myself to see my friends or family because I'm devistated and embarrassed i would completely break down, we had everything and worst of all I still love her so much. This is the hardest thing I've ever experienced, I feel like a close family member has died. it's so hard to be strong now when ive loved so strong.

 

I think it helped to write this all out. Thanks for reading.

[Terfo]

Should I suggest counselling again?

[BuddyX]

Yes please get some help.

Also, do not allow her to justify her affair. It is/was an affair no matter how you slice it. She might come back at you within DARVO (all of sudden, you're the bad guy). Don't allow her.

 

And what ever you do, do not leave the house. She's the one that messed up. If she wants to leave, help her pack.

 

Also look in the mirror. Odds are, you need to start working on you (physically, emotionally and mentally). There's a reason why she's receptive to the other guy. she's not attracted to you.

[Terfo]

Thanks for the insight. I'm convinced there's no helping this marriage, she won't try. She told me she thinks she is a horrible person and not deserving of trust, and she said she needs to grow up....more importantly she doesn't want counselling. I told her to just go on her own if not with me. She has an abusive father and her parents recently divorced after 30 years of marriage. I've been her therapist of sorts.

 

How do i work on myself mentally and emotionally? I'm physically fit and I eat healthy. I workout to deal with work stress and now this too, I have weight trained for over 10 years. She does not but I always found her attractive, she's beautiful, Just not on the inside anymore. She has issue with her body image, she gained weight after we were married but that was never a problem for me, she wanted implants or other surgery which I was against but I never said she couldn't do what she wanted.

 

Another sad note we cancelled our upcoming Caribbean vacation, which I was hoping would give our relationship a jump start. Just fantastic

[BuddyX]

Just be glad you're not going on that vacation.

Hoping to fix you're marital problems on vacation is like putting a band aid on cancer.

 

In regards to your own sanity. Stick to working out/running. It helps, I know. Also start creating new hobbies. Hang out with your boys. Shoot hoops, pools, etc.

 

Be outcome independent. No matter what, you're in charge of your life. No begging, no pleading. Ask her one last time, stern voice, look her in the eye "Are you in or out?"

 

If she wants out. Immediately start working on separation.