Are kids hurt by affairs?

[wmacbride]

If you are a part of a couple that was touched by infidelity, what affect did it have on your children? If one of your parents had an affair, did it affect you?

 

I tried to shield my kids as much as I could- I had it easy in that regard, as I had a built in reason their daddy wasn't at home and I was sad- but my two oldest figured out what happened, and have asked me about it.

 

We sat them down and did our best to explain what happened, as we didn't want to lie to them. My husband did a good job of owning what he had done, and we tried to use it as a teaching point about taking responsibility for your choices if you hurt someone.

 

I know it bothered them, but I am really proud of my H for not shying away from the uncomfortable topic or outright lying and telling them nothing had happened.

 

I think it also did them some good to see how a couple can get past hard times if they both really want to an put the work in that it will take. My husband worked his rear end off to get to where he is today, and it was a long, hard road for him.

 

He is an awesome guy.

 

Please share your own personal stories.

[Neil711]

Of course they're hurt. Even by a minor EA. The first few months after I found out about my wife's EA I went from patient, calm, and always teaching to distant, preoccupied, short, grumpy, etc. I wasn't the parent I used to be.

[dichotomy]

My late father, a professor, ran off with a college student. There were heated debates as to when their relationship started (pre or post divorce). My siblings who were older were hurt by this.

 

When my current wife kicked her ex out of the home (he was having affairs) - she kept quiet, but he counter claimed to their child that mommy kicked daddy out to sleep with other men. It messed her up.

[ChickiePops]

Absolutely.

 

My friend discovered her fathers affair when she was in high school and he accidentally left his Facebook signed in.

 

She hasn't spoken to him in 15 years (not even while living in the same house as him..her parents stayed together) and she cannot hold onto a relationship as she doesn't trust men at all.

 

This is obviously an extreme case but I think any affair will affect a child. I'm sure at some point in our childhoods we all saw our parents cry for some reason or another. Remember how terrified and powerless it made you feel?

 

Kids are so much more perceptive than adults. They pick up on behavioral changes and atmospheres and attitudes.

 

Seeing a parent sad or hurt or distant or miserable is bound to have a profound effect on a child even if they don't know the reason for it. That's the person who's supposed to protect you. They're supposed to be stronger than you until you can take care of yourself and it's scary as all hell when they're not.

[Satu]

If they aren't hurt directly, they are very likely to be hurt indirectly.

[dichotomy]

P.S.

 

I dont have any actual details - but I can say I know that one Cheating Husband/Father - who after he was divorced..... his two older daughters eventually used their mothers maiden name as their own, and he was not at their wedding many years later after the divorce. Basically they appear to have shunned him after all the crap hit the fan.

 

There might have been other reasons (besides his cheating and the divorce) why they had such feelings to isolate him. But I am can't imagine it was not a factor in all of it.

[TrustedthenBusted]

my kids were definitely impacted. My fuse went from very long to practically nonexistent.

 

Anything that I COULD control, I did. For like the first year after D-Day, you had better squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom up, and not leave a light on in an empty room.

 

I went crazy with stuff like that, and the poor kids couldn't have been more than maybe 4 and 6

[mellywell]

I think you'd have to be denial or be very morally skewed NOT to know that one parent betraying the other in such a profound way would hurt the children. Of COURSE the children are going to be affected. Mommy, who is supposed to love Daddy, cheated on him (or the other way around). A big giant promise was broken, and people are hurt and upset and crying.

 

how could a normal child NOT be hurt by that?

[Mrs. John Adams]

My affair was very brief....my children were small.... my husband and I never fought...and we never separated. We never told anyone about my affair except my parents.

 

I would say that my affair did not hurt my children...however...as with all speculations...I cannot say with 100% certainty that they were not affected. Everything in life affects us....some negatively...some positively.

 

Since I was changed by my affair and their dad was changed by my affair....how can I say that those changes did not affect our parenting. Maybe we became better parents? I honestly don't know.

 

But I do believe my children were never aware there was anything wrong or different in our relationship....so I don't believe my affair HURT my children.

 

I will add that our children are now 41 and 38....happily married with children of their own.

Edited April 18, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams

[wmacbride]

Given today's access to technology, I'm surprised when kids haven't found out.

 

I've heard stories of kids who find out when they log onto the family computer or go to use mom or dad's phone, and the evidence is there.

 

I can only imagine what that would feel like.

 

An even worse scenario happened to the friend of my oldest child. She came home after school one afternoon and was telling me that her friend had gone online to look at the information dumped during the ashley madison hack. she said her friend found her dad's info. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but if it was, that would be such a heavy burden to bear.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Of course children are affected, and long term in many instances.

 

Our son was so distraught at the painful loss of his hero when he discovered what his Father had done. He was furious too.

 

Our two elder daughters were angry and upset. They both let him have it big time.

 

The youngest was just in her teens back then, and still living at home. She was horribly affected. Her Daddy told lies, she couldn't trust him to look after her.

 

My husband was crushed by the effect his indiscretions had on his family. He had no comprehension of the damage he'd caused until some time later.

 

All our children took a very, very long time to forgive him.

 

My husband worked hard to repair his relationship with them, and on the whole, today they all have a healthy and respectful dynamic.

 

They all have their scars though, and they show occasionally......

[Cloudcuckoo]

Given today's access to technology, I'm surprised when kids haven't found out.

 

I've heard stories of kids who find out when they log onto the family computer or go to use mom or dad's phone, and the evidence is there.

 

I can only imagine what that would feel like.

 

An even worse scenario happened to the friend of my oldest child. She came home after school one afternoon and was telling me that her friend had gone online to look at the information dumped during the ashley madison hack. she said her friend found her dad's info. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but if it was, that would be such a heavy burden to bear.

 

I would be inclined to agree macbride, especially when children are so tech savvy now.

 

A former friends teenage daughter borrowed her Mum's phone to send a message, and found a message from her Mum's lover, called her out then showed the message to her Father.

 

Blew the whole affair up, parents divorced and the daughter has a very strained relationship with her Mother.

[ShatteredLady]

I know I'm not the mother that I was & it breaks my heart. Although I try to over compensate I'm exhausted, I'm depressed, I can't stop myself from crying. I try so very, desperately hard but I know it's not good enough. I wish I had better control of my physical reactions.

 

I think my children will grow-up thinking that Mummy had physical problems & wasn't very strong at handling them. It's become an 'easy excuse'..."Are you ok? Why are you crying Mummy?"..."Oh it's just my back is causing me lots of pain. Don't worry". Now I think they just assume.

 

My son is 9 now & ive noticed that he's a lot more protective. He rushes to open the car door for me & gets the post, things like that.

 

What worries me most is no-one even seems to notice when I cry anymore. That can't be right for kids growing-up. I've recently been reminded of a story my H told me early on...he remembered his Mum sitting, crying all day. I found it so incredibly strange at the time. That couldn't happen in my home growing-up. If my Mum cried my Dad held her, talked to her. If she cried me & my brother would hug her & ask what's wrong. (I guess that's another red flag ignored)

 

It's also got to be very strange to have a clear difference between the perky, happy (forced) words coming out of my mouth & the miserable, tear drenched face that's saying the words. I worry they will lack empathy for crying in the future.

 

My H only shouted at me a couple of times (when they were awake) & my son ran into the room, very upset, asking why he was shouting.

 

We don't have people in or go out all that much anymore. I'm exhausted & terrified of bursting into tears all the time. Hopefully my new meds will help. I try so hard. I truly do. I think my reaction to my life is effecting them more than my H. It's me. I just can't control myself.

 

Obviously my kids don't have any idea what's been going on. They're very excited about moving back to England. I'm terrified that I won't be able to keep the act going, particularly while we're living with my parents. I wish I was stronger.

 

I come from a very different family. Given the statistics given on this forum I sometimes wonder if kids from broken & dysfunctional homes are actually better equipped to deal with life as adults. You know? The realism vs the happy, supportive, loving (unusual apparently) family that I was raised by.

[RecentChange]

Yes, of course children are affected by bad / unstable marriages.

[Ms. Faust]

I think it depends on the situation. I believe one of the rarest situations may be when one of the spouses is toxic, and the affair ends up being a deal breaker for the marriage. In that case I can see where an affair is more of a godsend because it helps end a bad environment. I have heard a few stories of children being relieved and coming out better in the end, after an affair and subsequent divorce.

 

For the most part I believe that affairs are as devastating to the children as to the marriage. The only time you hear how hunky dory the kids are doing is when an affair partner has gone on to marry the WS and they sing the praises of how resilient children are, and how everyone (except the BS, usually) has flourished in the end. If kids were so resilient there wouldn't be so many people in therapy today.

[minimariah]

my xH & myself divorced after his affair - our child was younger than 5 years so we didn't tell her a thing about it; she was hurt by our divorce which is something both my xH and i are aware of... but she wasn't hurt by his affair because she's simply too young to comprehend it. we'll see how it goes if she's older and decides to talk about the reasons for our divorce... it is something i left to my xH. it was his affair and it's on him to lead that conversation.

 

my parents divorced after his affair when i was in my teens. at first, they tried to hide it from me. but i figured it out... it was... surreal. i guess. really. as in, i just could not... for the life of me... imagine my father having an affair. we had a happy family life so i didn't figure out something was wrong... it really came out of NOWHERE. and my dad was just not that person! i couldn't imagine him as a cheater - so yeah, i was hurt by it.

 

it definitely changed my relationship with my parents - but not necessarily for the worse. instead of trying to repair the bad stuff, i kind of accepted it and went from there. things are never ideal so we work with what we got.

 

the truth is - affairs and divorce are always hurtful to the children except in cases when kids don't find out (affairs) and when there is abuse (divorce). everything else... you're pretty much giving your children a 2nd best life situation.

 

that being said - children do forgive. most kids i know of who grew up and found out about their parents affairs... did forgive and moved on. maybe forgot is a better word. parent-child relationships rarely completely fail because of affairs, in my experience.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well 33 years ago we did not have all of the technology we have now...so my kids did not have access to cell phones and computers.

 

Shattered lady....between your health issues and your husband's EA....it would be difficult to differentiate which had the greatest impact on your children.

 

I would even go so far as to say it would be difficult for you to know what exactly affects you the most.

 

You have had one issue after the other....your surgeries and illnesses....your brothers suicide....your husband's EA....living in a new country separated from your family......these are all extremely traumatic experiences.....and compounded have had a profound effect on you emotionally and physically.

 

So to say your husbands EA has affected your children is overshadowed by all of the other issues as well. I am not sure which has impacted them the most...but I would certainly guess your health issues must have the greatest impact.

 

While you may blame your crying on your husbands EA....they most certainly will see it as mum does not feel well or mum is hurting. They don't know that Daddy was talking to another woman....they only know what they see in front of them. They only know that mum has been in the hospital and had surgery....that their uncle died and mum is sad.

 

I think sometimes when we are feeling down....when we feel bad physically...it absolutely affects our mental state. Even medications affect our mental state...especially pain relievers.

 

I know when I had have health issues....I get depressed and feel sorry for myself...and even misconstrue others actions and words because of my frame of mind.

 

I write all of this because i think you need to get out of your head.....your kids have no idea that your husband had an EA....what affects your son...what motivates him to open doors and care for you...does not come from his fathers EA....it comes from his love for his mum.......

[SammySammy]

Of course it affects them.

 

Children learn about relationships primarily by watching their parents. Through what their parents teach or don't teach them. Infidelity is one heck of a lesson to try to learn and process as a child. I can imagine it changes their view at least a little - often drastically.

[Lady Hamilton]

I think the affair has the potential to hurt the kids, but I think how people respond to it can do as much (and more) damage than the affair itself. The whole situation is always complicated, with no universal "always" or "never." My husband's father had an affair, several of them actually, and he found it reinforced the low opinion he always had of him as a man, father, and husband. He said it did more to explain a lot he didn't understand before as opposed to shatter his world. He never knew his parents in a good marriage and he never respected his father. This was just another par-for-the-course revelation on his Dad.

 

What did more to impact things for him was how he handled the divorce and custody arraignment, but also how his mother responded to his father and the whole situation. His relationship with his mother never recovered fully.

 

The same happened in his first marriage. The resounding impacts aren't so much coming from the affair, but by the behavior afterwards.

 

Now one could argue which came first, the chicken or the egg. Like, is it his father's fault his mother acted poorly following his affair? Or is it her fault for how she responded? In the end, it doesn't matter.

 

There's the affair, then there's what happens after, and that tends to leave a lasting impression too.

[minimariah]

There's the affair, then there's what happens after, and that tends to leave a lasting impression too.

 

i absolutely agree with this -- what happens AFTER the affair is what, in the end, affects the child. the affair does the damage, for sure - but it absolutely can be minimized OR maximized by the parents.

[Midwestmissy]

The daily lying was mentally abusive. I was a broken mom trying to also compensate for a dads absence. It was horrific and my wh would come home and whistle and act so happy, then blame our unhappiness on our bad attitudes. Horrible. My son wrote his college essays on the infidelity and seeing the strongest person in his life - me - break into a million pieces. It was hard to read. And the affair was 6 mos long which isn't really long. So bad.

[Foreverago]

Of course it affects the kids. People who think it doesn't are lying to themselves, but then again having an affair usually requires a predisposition towards lying in general. You not only lie to your spouse, you lie to your family and you lie to your kids. A family unit doesn't exist in a bubble, neither do affairs, and your actions hurt those around you even if you ignore it for the time being.

 

My mother had affairs throughout her marriage to my step father. As I got older and pieced two and two together, it changed my views on her as a person. The whole picture is one of a self centered individual who was always the victim in her world no matter how much she hurt others around her with her actions. She still is to this day. The only difference is, I no longer have a relationship with her. Her affairs aren't the reason why, they are just one symptom of the problem that she refuses to change.

[Foreverago]

And to add to that previous thought. Kids are also being hurt during the actual affair, even if they are too young to know better. One parent is off doing god knows what with their affair partner and not being a parent or partner to the person they decided to bring the kids into the world with. They aren't around. The most important thing you can give to your kids is your time. One of the most important things you show your kids is how to have a relationship with a partner and what to accept from a partner.

 

Like its always said around here: it's not what you say, it's what you do. Actions are more important than words. So yeah, an affair affects the kids. A lot, in fact.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think the only way to approach this subject is to speak of our own experience and not in generalities.

 

My affair did not hurt my children.

 

Did it affect them? I don't know. Did it affect them negatively? I don't know.

 

and how would I know if it did since they did not know about my affair?

 

They are "normal" adults...not perfect...but there does not appear to be an emotional issues.

 

and even if there were...would those issues be caused by a very short time affair by their mother when they were small? I don't know.

[bubbaganoosh]

I was married twice. had a kid with each wife. When my first wife and I divorced it was real ugly and messy. She used my daughter as a weapon and did it well. My daughter got caught in the middle and it had a bad effect on my kid. That was 35 years ago.

 

When the second marriage hit the skids, both my STBXW and I saw what could happen to our other daughter and we both didn't want that so we sucked it up and kept her out of it. Kept the same rules and communicated with each other in a civil and most of the time friendly way and made sure that our daughter wasn't caught up in it. It paid off in a big way and she's turned out very well.

 

it's up to the parents to act like adults and if need be suck it up and do what it takes to keep the children first and foremost secure and out of the adult problems. It can be done only if the parents are willing to go the extra steps. In my case it was a lesson that I didn't want to repeat.