Are kids hurt by affairs?

[WasOtherWoman]

I actually agree with this that no preschooler should know and I'm not sure they would understand anyway.

 

I think if couples decided not to disclose it is their individual choice but if said child or young adult were to ever ask the question of whether one of the two or both cheated I would hope all would answer honestly. I know I would.

'

 

Do you really mean that? My H's XW had a few affairs early in their marriage. The kids (now middle aged adults) are aware of my H's and my affair but have no knowledge of their mother's.

 

We certainly would not tell them, if asked and I highly doubt she would. Many years later, I don't think things really matter that much anymore..... i would see nothing gained by then obtaining this information.

[Tayla]

absolutely it impacted our family unit. I witnessed and was a pawn for the one parent.

Quite the lesson for a young teen to learn early on.

[Joie]

No doubt some are, and some aren't, to varying degrees. The fact is, most affairs are never revealed, so no one other than the person having the affair knows if or how they are affected in any way. When discovered, the problems begin and people are hurt (yes, sometimes impacts occur before, but they can be almost impossible to quantify in terms of impact on anyone else).

 

 

I will go so far as to say that for an undisclosed affair, the spouse having the affair may be happier or less stressed, and that may even have positive effects for the children - and sometimes even the spouse.

 

 

I think this is highly unlikely. The A caused nothing but stress. Even when he was 'happy' with her it was still stressing him out. I don't think anyone can be happier or less stressed when they spend a great deal of time hiding something.

[ladydesigner]

'

 

Do you really mean that? My H's XW had a few affairs early in their marriage. The kids (now middle aged adults) are aware of my H's and my affair but have no knowledge of their mother's.

 

We certainly would not tell them, if asked and I highly doubt she would. Many years later, I don't think things really matter that much anymore..... i would see nothing gained by then obtaining this information.

 

Well not coming from you or your H no I don't think it should come from you, but if this question was asked to their mother I would hope she would answer honestly.

[mellywell]

absolutely it impacted our family unit. I witnessed and was a pawn for the one parent.

Quite the lesson for a young teen to learn early on.

 

Do you believe it was only the affair that impacted you, or would you say being a pawn played a part?

[WasOtherWoman]

Well not coming from you or your H no I don't think it should come from you, but if this question was asked to their mother I would hope she would answer honestly.

 

I honestly can't imagine that she would. It was so many years ago and they have no inkling.

 

I guess maybe if they had an inkling something was wrong back then and asked, i suppose it might make sense to tell them.

 

But - ?? if everyone is just sitting around playing "never have I ever" or something like that and they asked, I certainly would not fess-up if I were her!

 

edited to add: regardless, I cannot see what possible good could come of it now. Why put the kids in a situation where they may think less of her after all these years?

 

edited again: PLUS, if i has not affected their life all these years, it might NOW if told????

Edited April 20, 2016 by WasOtherWoman

[wmacbride]

I actually think MORE damage is done when someone feel it is absolutely necessary to explain to a PRESCHOOLER what adultery is and that Daddy/Mommy did it

 

This is part of where my angst over the situation lies.

 

My kids found out because of evidence on our fmaily computer- this was serval years ago, and we had our one family computer in the living room. I had come across the evidence, but had been so upset I didn't get rid of it, and they happened to find it.

 

They weren't all that young at the time - 9 and 11. they had been asking if I was okay, and I told them I was sad because daddy was going to be going away - another deployment- but it turned out they had some idea of the truth but hadn't said .

 

It was after he got back that they outright asked about what they had seen and I knew they knew what had happened. I hate that I had lied to them, as I have always tried to teach them to be honest.I should have handled it better than I did.

 

I guess, in the grand scheme, that maybe doesn't matter much.

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is part of where my angst over the situation lies.

 

My kids found out because of evidence on our fmaily computer- this was serval years ago, and we had our one family computer in the living room. I had come across the evidence, but had been so upset I didn't get rid of it, and they happened to find it.

 

They weren't all that young at the time - 9 and 11. they had been asking if I was okay, and I told them I was sad because daddy was going to be going away - another deployment- but it turned out they had some idea of the truth but hadn't said .

 

It was after he got back that they outright asked about what they had seen and I knew they knew what had happened. I hate that I had lied to them, as I have always tried to teach them to be honest.I should have handled it better than I did.

 

I guess, in the grand scheme, that maybe doesn't matter much.

 

You lied to protect them just like most loving moms would do. There was really no good going to come from telling them at the time. Do not beat yourself up over it. They know you did what you thought was best for them.

 

Most parents even cheating parents still love their children.

I did not in any way neglect my children. I never spent time away from them except the one afternoon I cheated... I left them with their dad. But it was the only time.

 

Yes I was selfish that day... And I would give anything to undo it.

[wmacbride]

You lied to protect them just like most loving moms would do. There was really no good going to come from telling them at the time. Do not beat yourself up over it. They know you did what you thought was best for them.

 

Most parents even cheating parents still love their children.

I did not in any way neglect my children. I never spent time away from them except the one afternoon I cheated... I left them with their dad. But it was the only time.

 

Yes I was selfish that day... And I would give anything to undo it.

 

I really do believe the majority of ws care deeply for their kids, and wouldn't hurt them for the world.

 

I know that is something that has really bothers my h a lot, but as I;ve told him, he has to let go of that guilt, as it's not helping him. he love sour kids so much, as he feels like he let them down, and like he let himslef down as well.

[central]

I think this is highly unlikely. The A caused nothing but stress. Even when he was 'happy' with her it was still stressing him out. I don't think anyone can be happier or less stressed when they spend a great deal of time hiding something.

 

I'm sure you're right about some affairs, but many don't worry about being caught as they think they won't be (correctly, more often than not), or they may be ready to leave if they are. If it really bothers them that much, I think many would end the affair when they could no longer handle that stress.

[brothers343]

I have seen some affairs do good to a relationship and I have seen some that do bad. Either way that they go one thing stays the same. And that is that the kids feel the outcome of both. Whether good or bad. And they usually pay the highest price.

[BetheButterfly]

absolutely it impacted our family unit. I witnessed and was a pawn for the one parent.

Quite the lesson for a young teen to learn early on.

 

I'm not liking this because of what happened to your family. I'm liking your post because it's true and your experience has been shared by other kids too.

 

While my cousins weren't pawns, it was hard for them to get used to have 2 different homes and 2 different sets of parents. Many kids do hope their parents get back together as well.

 

One of my friends' favorite movie was the one where twin girls tried to get their parents back together after a divorce. Her parents had divorced because of an affair, but she really did hope that her parents would reconcile. That didn't happen though.

 

I think divorce is one of the consequences of an affair. Parents divorcing possibly hurts children emotionally more than an affair itself does.

 

However, parents staying together when there's marital abuse is also harmful emotionally to children.

[Jersey born raised]

I recall a discovery channel(?) show about a man who raised two bear cubs with the intent to teach them to live in the wild. He would roam the woods with them finding food as a wild bear would (including maggots). He always ate the new food first and the cubs would immediate want to smell what he was eating and lick his face so he would spit out the new food for them to eat. They rarely ate any other food on there own. This was how the cubs built a mindset of what was normal to eat and what was not.

 

My point children are no different then cubs when it comes to defining what is normal and acceptable in any relationship. A famous Jesuit saying "give me the child at four, I will give back the man at 7.

 

Even if the child never finds out the reason for a void or an explanation for something it does exist in them and may cause them to act in a way that is not helpful.

[BetheButterfly]

And I would give anything to undo it.

 

Understood, and one of the reasons why I read Loveshack is to learn from people.

 

I don't think you should beat yourself up about the past anymore. Your hubby has forgiven you, yeah?

 

I am glad your and his marriage didn't crumble, that he forgave you and that you confessed and changed. You are a great testimony about how a person can truly be sorry for a past action, confess, repent, and change. :love:Your husband is a great testimony of a person who forgives and works on the marriage, out of love for you.

 

You and he are very much worthy of respect.

[Jersey born raised]

First my dad was born and raised in the mid-west. My dad (he was born in the thirties, I was born in 55) came from a broken home. His dad was a spoiled only child narcissist playboy. I never meet him. I spent my entire life till my mid-teens thinking he died before my dad was born. His mother was Catholic and never remarried. Somehow I had this thought no one ever spoke of him because of some unspeakable tragedy. My father never once spoke of him or shared any activity he might have done with him.

 

I found out after he passed because his dad's widow posted an obit that stated he had no children. A childhood friend of my dad's who was an attorney and lived in my dad's home state saw the obit and contacted dad and my mom. Dad was content with the obit. Mom wanted and had a retraction sent to the paper as obits are considered legal documents. It was at this time she shared a little info on my unknown grandfather. Warning us not to discuss with my father and advising us she was informing us to avoid any question of paternity in the future. Neither of my parents wanted anything to do with the estate.

 

As to my dad: amazing man, amazing husband, amazing father. Later in my life looking back my childhood I can now see the little boy in my dad "screaming I will not be my father" when many would simply lash out.

[ladydesigner]

I honestly can't imagine that she would. It was so many years ago and they have no inkling.

 

I guess maybe if they had an inkling something was wrong back then and asked, i suppose it might make sense to tell them.

 

But - ?? if everyone is just sitting around playing "never have I ever" or something like that and they asked, I certainly would not fess-up if I were her!

 

edited to add: regardless, I cannot see what possible good could come of it now. Why put the kids in a situation where they may think less of her after all these years?

 

edited again: PLUS, if i has not affected their life all these years, it might NOW if told????

 

I guess we all differ on this. I like honesty and if someone has behaved out of character that is on them. They can choose to lie about it or tell the truth.

 

I'm honestly glad my kids know otherwise they might have thought my reactions were out of whack for no reason.

[WasOtherWoman]

I guess we all differ on this. I like honesty and if someone has behaved out of character that is on them. They can choose to lie about it or tell the truth.

 

I'm honestly glad my kids know otherwise they might have thought my reactions were out of whack for no reason.

 

I am trying to understand your thought process here.... does this total honesty pertain only to having had an affair or across every secret that someone might have?

 

It seems to me that we all have things about ourselves about which we are not proud. Am i obligated to disclose those to someone, just because they ask?

 

I am not trying to be argumentative, just trying to understand. Because I have two well-adjusted, happily married step kids with families of their own.

 

I would not be on board with them hearing tales of their mother's indiscretions from thirty some years ago. I like to hope that it would not affect them now, but why take that chance?

[ladydesigner]

I am trying to understand your thought process here.... does this total honesty pertain only to having had an affair or across every secret that someone might have?

 

It seems to me that we all have things about ourselves about which we are not proud. Am i obligated to disclose those to someone, just because they ask?

 

I am not trying to be argumentative, just trying to understand. Because I have two well-adjusted, happily married step kids with families of their own.

 

I would not be on board with them hearing tales of their mother's indiscretions from thirty some years ago. I like to hope that it would not affect them now, but why take that chance?

 

I am only talking about a situation if the adult kids really wanted to know. If they were inquiring about filling in any blanks in their life.

 

It seems in your situation it may not be best.

 

In my own situation growing up when I was about 11 I asked what was going on with my parents, why they were fighting and threatening D to one another. I mean this went on for years. My mom sat me down one day and told me of her A. While it did create some tension between me and her temporarily I am happy that she told me. I understood then why my parents were having the problems they were because I kept thinking I did something wrong no matter how many times I was told otherwise.

 

My parents then went on to therapy and I saw them repair their M...until my mom had another 2 A's

[ladydesigner]

I am trying to understand your thought process here.... does this total honesty pertain only to having had an affair or across every secret that someone might have?

 

It seems to me that we all have things about ourselves about which we are not proud. Am i obligated to disclose those to someone, just because they ask?

 

I am not trying to be argumentative, just trying to understand. Because I have two well-adjusted, happily married step kids with families of their own.

 

I would not be on board with them hearing tales of their mother's indiscretions from thirty some years ago. I like to hope that it would not affect them now, but why take that chance?

 

I guess I wasn't clear I was speaking of the A in this situation.

 

I may be a little biased because of my situation Not sure why my Mom's disclosure of her A helped me. It helped me understand why there was tension in my house growing up for so many years.

[WasOtherWoman]

I guess I wasn't clear I was speaking of the A in this situation.

 

I may be a little biased because of my situation Not sure why my Mom's disclosure of her A helped me. It helped me understand why there was tension in my house growing up for so many years.

 

Thank you, that definitely makes sense. I would feel the same way.

[Lady Hamilton]

i wasn't talking about making that choice, actually - you WILL show pain to your children. that's the reality; it is absolutely impossible for you to remain positive and happy 100% of the time spent with them.

 

Ultimately, what we show our kids is a choice. It's not possible to be positive and happy 100% of the time, that is the outside factor. The choice there in comes in if you show them that lack of positivity/happiness, or if you go about life as normal and save the tears for your pillow.

 

We're pretty much saying the same thing, just our definition of where choice begins in these circumstances is different, that's all.

 

with affairs - well, people aren't robots. glossing over your pain and moving on ASAP isn't realistic - and it often sends a completely wrong message to the children. so the point would be to find some kind of balance between emotions... to show sadness and grief but at the same time, to take over the responsibility for our actions and our life and move on. THAT is what most folks struggle with, i think.

 

It's absolutely not realistic, but that doesn't mean that the kids need to be involved in it. I'm a firm believer in kids being left to kid things and adults deal with the adult things. Sitting the kids down for the "your mother/father had an affair and it hurt me and I feel X, Y, and Z" is one of those things I feel is just totally inappropriate.

 

When you say "your mother/father had an affair, this is how I feel" etc etc etc, the fault of impacting the kids negatively is now resting with the WS who felt the need to make it known it happened and their choice to share it.

 

hmm... if i understood well - his father was a bad parent. isn't that up to HIM? the above statement kind of puts the blame for his poor behavior with the kids on marital problems - did i understand that right?

 

He was a bad father, made worse by a bad marriage, made worse by a worse divorce and the reaction of his ex/my husband's mother.

 

The affair(s) I think my husband could have (and largely already has) forgiven. In fact, he speaks incredibly highly of his father's second wife (who died shortly after they married), though I think she was an AP his father left his mother for.

 

The bad parenting that existed before, during, after, and... Frankly... Currently... He can't get around.

 

also - just a thought (you don't have to answer, this is really just me thinking out loud)... if i understood well (i might got something wrong)... your husband's first marriage was pretty much the same as his parents marriage. how? i mean, it makes sense - because he obviously didn't have good role models so probably didn't really know what a good marriage should look like... but he learned what a good marriage SHOULDN'T look like. so how did it happen that he fell into the same pattern as his parents?

 

My husband did see good marriages, just not with his parents. He was completely able to pick out how he didn't want his marriage to be. And he really didn't end up in his parents marriage, they were both bad but for different reasons.

 

true - but MOST will. i think your reaction, for example, isn't the norm.

 

most marriages aren't super abusive or dysfunctional - they're somewhere in the middle. they're MEH. when a child discovers the affair and is old enough to understand what is going on (not talking about the situations where you discover PAST affairs in adulthood) - it WILL rock their world, this way or another... less or more. it will affect them to SOME extent, in some way. and just like the affair can't be an excuse for slashing tires, dysfunctional marriage can't be an excuse for adultery - and the children are aware of that fact.

 

I don't think my reaction is the norm, but I don't think that this statement that "it WILL rock their world" is the reality. Some get rocked, maybe even most, but it's not a "IT WILL HAPPEN" situation. There are people who grow up never knowing and thus not being impacted by it, there are some who have a WS who wallows in misery for years and it's their constant reality. It just all depends.

 

While a dysfunctional marriage may not be an excuse for adultery (though in reality it is an excuse), it certainly can be what leads them to a place where they understand why it happened. Just like an adult looks at a marriage and says "I'm not surprised Joe was cheating on Jane... He has been miserable for years" kids can and do the think the same way too.

 

i think situations where a child accepts and even sometimes encourages the affair or the AP are rare - doesn't really matter how bad or good the marriage was. you gotta remember that the act of an affair is unacceptable to many, especially if the child has a close relationship with the other (cheated on) parent. an interesting phenomenon happens though - in a bad marriage with one parents who cheats and the other one who is mostly depressed and just sits around, throwing some kind of pity party... the child will turn to the parent who's having an affair BUT moved on with their lives and will justify the affair; in those cases, children develop especially toxic relationship with the cheated on parent, full of resentment and misdirected anger at them for NOT being strong and for somehow... putting the negative feelings on them.

 

Again, I don't deal in the "this WILL happen" and "kids will do this if that happens" mentality. There's no universal answer here. There's no guarantee a child who is around a perpetually depressed parent will abandon their loyalty to that person for the WS, there's no guarantee that a child will hate the WS or their AP.

 

Of all the people I've known who had affairs, if they stay or if they go, if they had young kids or older kids, has there been a universal "this always happens" result. Even reading here, there's not a "this will happen if you do that" scenario.

[Mrs. John Adams]

you know....everything in life has an affect...some positive some negative

 

Every child endures sadness and disappointments....because that's what life is.

 

No one's life is full of only goodness.

 

My parents were good people...but they made all kinds of mistakes as we all do.

 

Life is full of disappointments...and tragedies....

 

We cannot protect our kids from bad things no matter how hard we try.

 

Parents fight....parents have highs and lows...in every marriage. There are no perfect relationships...and if you say yours is perfect...you are a liar.

 

So our kids watch us...and learn from us....and apply our example to their own lives....

 

whether we have cheated...whether we have lived in a loveless or sexless marriage....whether we have had a volatile relationship where we fight all the time...kids survive and plow their own way through life. How do you explain the same parents raising the same kids and yet one kid is a drug addict but the rest of the kids are well balanced....or one kid commits suicide but the rest of the kids are stable. Are the parents to blame?

 

Kids adjust...to their environment....yes it affects them....but does it hurt them? Does it scar them? does it ruin them for life?

 

I do not have the answer.....i understand that everything in life affects us and makes us who we are

 

but I also believe there comes a time that we take responsibility for our own lives and we stop blaming everybody else.

 

I have made many mistakes in raising my kids...I am not a perfect parent....I did the best I know how to do

 

They too will do their best in raising their children...they too will make many mistakes

 

Kids do not come with an instruction manual....

 

I am proud of My kids and my grandkids ...despite all of the mistakes I have made. what more can I hope for?

[ShatteredLady]

The wonderful Philip Larkin said it best....

 

"“They f**k you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

 

But they were f**ked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

 

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.”

 

 

― Philip Larkin

[flowergirl14]

My kids have suffered terribly. My wh had an affair/s and was down right verbally cruel to all of us especially my oldest d. I soo badly wanted him to love her /them like I did. I wanted him to see the joy that they brought me. He didnt and we had no idea he was messing around. Dday comes ( that affair had ended) and he still is acting like a a**hole to oldest teen d. I temember thinking and saying to a friend if we divorce now I think he may blow out of town for good. I realize now that it isnt my job to nurture his relationship with them. Anyways, then he started acting like the family man, started being a dad and better h. Here is the plot twist...I suspect /know he was texting pictures to current ow on our family trips. After having been neglected by the their dad for Years this new found interest in being the"good dad" has turned around the relationship with all of my kids. At first it felt great knowing this but now.. i feel like they are being lied too just like me and too expose his affair to them now would be difficult. I am holding all this info close to me as to not hurt them. However, I think them knowing that dad was an ahole because he wanted to run off with single ow might explain a lot to them. Its complete mind blowing that he would be doing this again knowing how precious these kids are. Any advice?

[minimariah]

We're pretty much saying the same thing, just our definition of where choice begins in these circumstances is different, that's all.

 

i think we agree on that, too... LOL - but i'm probably having problems expressing myself correctly (English isn't my 1st language so a lot of my thoughts literally gets lost in translation, sorry about that).

 

Sitting the kids down for the "your mother/father had an affair and it hurt me and I feel X, Y, and Z" is one of those things I feel is just totally inappropriate.

 

absolutely. some psychologists would disagree though, i read about it the other day -- article for who have the time & are interested.

 

My husband did see good marriages, just not with his parents. He was completely able to pick out how he didn't want his marriage to be.

 

do you think your husband's dysfunctional 1st marriage is directly related to his parents marriage?

 

While a dysfunctional marriage may not be an excuse for adultery (though in reality it is an excuse)...

 

i think a dysfunctional marriage cannot be an excuse for adultery - as in, it cannot make the adultery justified or right - but it can certainly be a reason & something that answers most of the WHYs of the affair.

 

Of all the people I've known who had affairs, if they stay or if they go, if they had young kids or older kids, has there been a universal "this always happens" result.

 

while i agree that there is no universal response - i believe we can definitely talk in "this happens in MOST cases" language. in my experience with adultery, every family wasn't that different and they all had something in common; i don't think we cannot at least ASSUME what will happen... based on what happens in the majority of situations. so i'll respectively disagree on that.