Are kids hurt by affairs?

[gettingstronger]

Of course they are!

[ShatteredLady]

FlowerGirl. Are they your children from a previous marriage or children of you & your H? Sorry, it's not clear from your post.

 

When my current nightmare started with my H the thing that hurt me the most, by far, was the fact that he was talking about "us" being a burden, leaving "us" to peruse what he wanted, "Love, romance & adventure" & not living with the "burden" of "us". Ugh!!

 

It destroyed me when I found communication between him & the OW praising her children & faulting ours. They're very little. It disgusted me! It broke my heart more than anything he said about me. I think we all turn into Mummy bears in these situations.

 

If he was being verbally cruel to one of our children,or both, I don't think I could live with it. When d-day first hit my brain was focused on what I "could sell" to my kids. I HATE the idea of explaining to them that FAMILY can decide for any reason that a parent can decide that they would rather start new with a different family. That's against everything that I believe in.

 

My situational a bit different because the OW doesn't have any relationship with any family member. She was artificially inseminated with her children. From things I read from my H I believed that he was planning on replacing ALL OF US. Not just me as his wife. That disgusted me beyond words.

 

If anyone, ANYONE was causing my babies pain by being in their lives my instincts would make me remove that person from our lives. From the moment a mother starts to feel her babies grow inside of her there is a promise, a faith, responsibility that no matter what happens she will ALWAYS protect & love them.

 

I love FAMILY. I was raised to have blind faith in family. I believed without a shadow of a doubt that my little family had 4 members, Mummy, Daddy, brother & sister. D-day reduced that to 3. Family is sacred.

 

If your daughter is being damaged by your H is there truly a choice? I don't believe in staying together JUST for the kids but I sure as anything believe in getting divorced for the kids!!!

 

Using children to get laid?!?!

[minimariah]

In fact, he'd argue to this day that the biggest fracturing of their marriage wasn't the affair, but two other events that occurred in the marriage. She'd honestly probably say the same.

 

pardon but just wanted to comment on this - events that happened PRIOR to the affair actually lead to the affair OR are you talking about the events that happened after the affair? as in, bad and inappropriate reactions to the affair?

[Raena]

Of course children are hurt by affairs. It's difficult to put 100% effort into being a parent and a wife/husband when your attention is focused outside of the family. This lack of attention profoundly effects children of all ages, but especially when they are young.

[waterwoman]

For some unaccountable reason my children love me and care about me a great deal. When they see me distressed it hurts them. When they see me and H at loggerheads, it hurts them. When the balance of the home is disturbed it hurts them.So how can an affair not hurt them? it doesn't matter what state the marriage may or may not have been in prior or after - at the very least at the time of the affair and for a while afterwards they were hurt.

 

Long-term? Who knows? I hope not. Life isn't always roses and most people muddle through somehow.

[Cloudcuckoo]

FlowerGirl. Are they your children from a previous marriage or children of you & your H? Sorry, it's not clear from your post.

 

When my current nightmare started with my H the thing that hurt me the most, by far, was the fact that he was talking about "us" being a burden, leaving "us" to peruse what he wanted, "Love, romance & adventure" & not living with the "burden" of "us". Ugh!!

 

It destroyed me when I found communication between him & the OW praising her children & faulting ours. They're very little. It disgusted me! It broke my heart more than anything he said about me. I think we all turn into Mummy bears in these situations.

 

If he was being verbally cruel to one of our children,or both, I don't think I could live with it. When d-day first hit my brain was focused on what I "could sell" to my kids. I HATE the idea of explaining to them that FAMILY can decide for any reason that a parent can decide that they would rather start new with a different family. That's against everything that I believe in.

 

My situational a bit different because the OW doesn't have any relationship with any family member. She was artificially inseminated with her children. From things I read from my H I believed that he was planning on replacing ALL OF US. Not just me as his wife. That disgusted me beyond words.

 

If anyone, ANYONE was causing my babies pain by being in their lives my instincts would make me remove that person from our lives. From the moment a mother starts to feel her babies grow inside of her there is a promise, a faith, responsibility that no matter what happens she will ALWAYS protect & love them.

 

I love FAMILY. I was raised to have blind faith in family. I believed without a shadow of a doubt that my little family had 4 members, Mummy, Daddy, brother & sister. D-day reduced that to 3. Family is sacred.

 

If your daughter is being damaged by your H is there truly a choice? I don't believe in staying together JUST for the kids but I sure as anything believe in getting divorced for the kids!!!

 

Using children to get laid?!?!

 

 

That's so shockingly vile Shattered, I'm so, so sorry that happened to you and your wee ones.

 

It actually made me physically nauseous.

[Oldman66]

My story is a little different. My disaster happened about 37 years ago.

 

My first wife ha an affair (ONS?) just after my first born daughter was home. We had just started having sex and she got mad and left for the evening. I KNEW she was going out to cheat but how are you supposed to stop them with out going to jail? She came home and TOLD me she had "jacked some stranger off in the bar parking lot. Totally rug swept it.

 

Months later I came home from TDY (military at the time) and my oldest sister-in-law was at the house, did not make me happy. I did not even like this sister. Later that evening and we were talking about sex, something that at the time my wife did not normally do. We got talking about different sex acts and when we got to one particular one (that I had never done or even explored) and wife said "not only no but HELL no!!!" I turned to look at SIL and it was like looking at a kid who just got what they wanted for Christmas.

 

My wife worked nights and lots of time I was alone with SIL and about 4 days later it happened. No emotions at all, and reception was enthusiastic. I decided to do it because I was apparently I was in an open marriage I just didn't know it. I took my SIL up on her offer because it was simply the meanest thing I could think of.

 

You can dump best friends but family is forever. @ children later she does it again only this was an exit affair and with everything else she had done it was the final straw and completely broke me. we eventually got divorced and I moved to SoCal.

 

Nobody EVER knew of wife first cheating episode and I decided I no longer wanted to be the "bad guy" and decided to tell my two daughters about it. My "son" (never knew for sure if he was mine and he died at 9yrs old 5"2" at 9)

 

Needless to say it hasn't gone well. Lots of damage to the kids. My youngest daughter is not speaking to me. We got into it when she tried to defend Mom and said "she's human and made a mistake". I tore into the mistake part and let her know that having sex with someone other than your husband was NOT a "mistake" and WAS a series of intentional decisions knowing the consequences and WAS intentional.

 

My youngest has had Many affairs including C L. (part of the damage IMHO.) Now my 2 girls are not young girls 39 +42, so silly me I thought they were adult enough to have a discussion about it.

 

I was not trying to make them hate their mom just did not want to be blamed anymore.

 

Oh well. I will make a couple of more attempts but if I don't get a good conversation I will blow up my ex. She puts on a "Sister Christian" facade which is BS She Never did anything religious UNTIL she started cheating!!! well last time I was there she was looking down her nose at me and I'm tired of it. She is no more christian than my car. She simply found it to be an effective cover for her defective personality. Much more but too long already

Edited April 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T

[ladydesigner]

FlowerGirl. Are they your children from a previous marriage or children of you & your H? Sorry, it's not clear from your post.

 

When my current nightmare started with my H the thing that hurt me the most, by far, was the fact that he was talking about "us" being a burden, leaving "us" to peruse what he wanted, "Love, romance & adventure" & not living with the "burden" of "us". Ugh!!

 

It destroyed me when I found communication between him & the OW praising her children & faulting ours. They're very little. It disgusted me! It broke my heart more than anything he said about me. I think we all turn into Mummy bears in these situations.

 

If he was being verbally cruel to one of our children,or both, I don't think I could live with it. When d-day first hit my brain was focused on what I "could sell" to my kids. I HATE the idea of explaining to them that FAMILY can decide for any reason that a parent can decide that they would rather start new with a different family. That's against everything that I believe in.

 

My situational a bit different because the OW doesn't have any relationship with any family member. She was artificially inseminated with her children. From things I read from my H I believed that he was planning on replacing ALL OF US. Not just me as his wife. That disgusted me beyond words.

 

If anyone, ANYONE was causing my babies pain by being in their lives my instincts would make me remove that person from our lives. From the moment a mother starts to feel her babies grow inside of her there is a promise, a faith, responsibility that no matter what happens she will ALWAYS protect & love them.

 

I love FAMILY. I was raised to have blind faith in family. I believed without a shadow of a doubt that my little family had 4 members, Mummy, Daddy, brother & sister. D-day reduced that to 3. Family is sacred.

 

If your daughter is being damaged by your H is there truly a choice? I don't believe in staying together JUST for the kids but I sure as anything believe in getting divorced for the kids!!!

 

Using children to get laid?!?!

 

Disgusting just disgusting, my WH was the same way. We were all burdens. My WH would often criticize my parenting during his A, while he was out boinking the MOW and not parenting at all...what an effing joke!

[ShatteredLady]

Oh I need a bit of a rant... My H's OW travelled extensively for work. From their mails I'd say 3 out of every 4 weeks. She went out or away in spas at the weekend...I understand the need for relaxation time when you work hard. She frequently complained about how late she got home in the evening when she was working in town.

 

She has no family members that she has any contact with. Zero! She doesn't have any friends so they weren't caring for her kids. No father, (insemination.)

 

She's "The best mother in the world!". I snapped that it's easy to be a 'great mother' when you're paying someone to raise your children! He replied "She doesn't have a nanny or 'staff', she's a dedicated mother!".

 

What does she do? Lock them in a closet 3 out of 4 weeks & at weekends?!?! They're preschool. WTF???? The insanity of his views blew my mind!!

 

Rant over!! I know it's non of my business.

 

Warning - Mothers Day (worst trigger day) is starting to be advertised!

[Joie]

Oh I need a bit of a rant... My H's OW travelled extensively for work. From their mails I'd say 3 out of every 4 weeks. She went out or away in spas at the weekend...I understand the need for relaxation time when you work hard. She frequently complained about how late she got home in the evening when she was working in town.

 

She has no family members that she has any contact with. Zero! She doesn't have any friends so they weren't caring for her kids. No father, (insemination.)

 

She's "The best mother in the world!". I snapped that it's easy to be a 'great mother' when you're paying someone to raise your children! He replied "She doesn't have a nanny or 'staff', she's a dedicated mother!".

 

What does she do? Lock them in a closet 3 out of 4 weeks & at weekends?!?! They're preschool. WTF???? The insanity of his views blew my mind!!

 

Rant over!! I know it's non of my business.

 

Warning - Mothers Day (worst trigger day) is starting to be advertised!

 

 

I am totally going to join your rant.

 

"She is a great mother" was one of the worst things my husband ever said to me. Out of all the things I wish I had never asked that is at the top. I remember screaming. Are you F'ing kidding me. How great of a mother could she be if she is out banging you all hours of the night. It hurt even more that I was at home raising our children while she dumped her kids at her parent's house to shelp my husband.

 

Now my rant it over.

Edited April 23, 2016 by Joie

[Lady Hamilton]

i think we agree on that, too... LOL - but i'm probably having problems expressing myself correctly (English isn't my 1st language so a lot of my thoughts literally gets lost in translation, sorry about that).

 

You're fine. English is my first language and sometimes it stumps me too.

 

absolutely. some psychologists would disagree though, i read about it the other day -- article for who have the time & are interested.

 

For every problem there's a psychologist with one solution, a psychologist with another solution, a psychologist with no solution, and a psychologist who will write up a paper on why all of those psychologists are wrong.

 

I appreciate his input and perspective, but it is one of many. There is not yet, nor will there ever be, a unified 100% solution or plan of attack on how to handle a situation that involves humans and emotion.

 

do you think your husband's dysfunctional 1st marriage is directly related to his parents marriage?

 

Well, no... But I do think his leaving and divorce was directly related to his parent's marriage. He found leaving exceptionally difficult due to feelings of guilt with his children dealing with the same emotions he dealt with.

 

I think his parents marriage failed because, ultimately, his father didn't want to be married. After his second wife and love-of-his-life died, his father remarried again but repeated all the issues of his first marriage. However, that was an... Um... Well... Mail order situation. So I'm not sure we can compare that to anything.

 

The reason his marriage failed was because he desperately wanted to be married and even though he felt reservations on the person he'd ultimately go on to marry, the pressure to be settled down really pulled at him. Also, he really loved her family and felt an obligation to them (especially as she was a virgin until him). That tugged on his religious principles of obligation.

 

Things fell apart after the marriage for a multitude of complicated reasons, including a concealed mental illness on her part, abuse on her to him, and his being resentful that children he didn't want at the time were conceived after she "accidentally" forgot birth control. While he loves his children and after they were born became their primary caretaker, that was a violation he just never got over. He also started to resent her for these (and other) things, so he began to keep his money separate, he had a bad attitude, and he became very detached emotionally, throwing himself into hobbies. My husband gets very short with people when he's stressed, but in a way that makes him argumentative and brash. That's a pain to deal with.

 

i think a dysfunctional marriage cannot be an excuse for adultery - as in, it cannot make the adultery justified or right - but it can certainly be a reason & something that answers most of the WHYs of the affair.

 

Again, we're on the same page her generally. It is an excuse that is presented, but as to if it excuses the affair as being "right" or "wrong," again... Eye of the beholder and all that.

 

while i agree that there is no universal response - i believe we can definitely talk in "this happens in MOST cases" language. in my experience with adultery, every family wasn't that different and they all had something in common; i don't think we cannot at least ASSUME what will happen... based on what happens in the majority of situations. so i'll respectively disagree on that.

 

Like I said, of all the people I know who had affairs, not a single one of them handled it the same way or even demonstrated universal behaviors that can be pointed to as standard.

 

One had an affair, his wife responded with his own affair, they separated, there was no animosity. Then, out of the blue to all of us not in the know, they moved back in together and were pregnant and now two kids later are still together in a marriage that's functional, though perhaps not happy.

 

Another had an affair, his wife found out, she left a note in the sink that said "bye Felicia" and a month later you'd have never known she was married to him. They were divorced, she was moved out, and the husband had not a clue what happened.

 

Still another had an affair, got pregnant, told her fiance, and he made her promise it was over. She did (it wasn't) and they went on with barely a blip and he cares for the child like it's his while the real father is in jail. Now her Facebook is filled with magazine-style photos of her perfect family that we all know the story behind.

 

My first husband, when he found out about my affair, was upset, then he said he wasn't surprised. We remained friends for a time, until he found his now-wife, then we drifted apart, as it should be. The sticking points that plagued our marriage (kids... I wanted them, he didn't, we tried anyway and couldn't get pregnant) were totally erased in his next marriage. Our divorce was unremarkable, not contentious, and totally amicable. He's the proud Dad to 3 boys, with a 4th on the way.

 

My current husband had an affair with his first wife. She was upset, then she was willing to look the other way as long as he stayed. When he tried to leave, she went 15 different types of crazy to a point where her own family was apologizing over her behavior. To this day she still lives in a strange world where she hasn't acknowledged they are divorced, despite the fact that she met, moved in with, and got engaged to a new guy in the span of a month.

 

It just all depends.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Oh I need a bit of a rant... My H's OW travelled extensively for work. From their mails I'd say 3 out of every 4 weeks. She went out or away in spas at the weekend...I understand the need for relaxation time when you work hard. She frequently complained about how late she got home in the evening when she was working in town.

 

She has no family members that she has any contact with. Zero! She doesn't have any friends so they weren't caring for her kids. No father, (insemination.)

 

She's "The best mother in the world!". I snapped that it's easy to be a 'great mother' when you're paying someone to raise your children! He replied "She doesn't have a nanny or 'staff', she's a dedicated mother!".

 

What does she do? Lock them in a closet 3 out of 4 weeks & at weekends?!?! They're preschool. WTF???? The insanity of his views blew my mind!!

 

Rant over!! I know it's non of my business.

 

Warning - Mothers Day (worst trigger day) is starting to be advertised!

 

First....you have no idea what kind of mother she is...and you are right...it is none of your business.

 

I will reiterate...this was an emotional affair....done on a computer and a telephone.......

 

She was not leaving her children to see your husband.

 

Many spas...offer childcare. You can go to the spa and they take care of your kids. I am not saying this is what she did....I am saying this is a possibility.

 

Many single moms are good moms without husbands....they do their jobs...they go shopping ...they go to spas....they go to the gym to work out.

 

Most of these places offer babysitting as part of their programs.

 

I understand that you are sensitive to mothers day...because your husband was a complete jerk to you. But let's put the blame where the blame belongs.

 

Your husband is the one who sent her gifts....your husband is the one who talked with her....your husband is the one who betrayed you....not her. No matter how vile she is....place the blame where it belongs...on him.

 

You want to vent? You want to rant? You want to strike out?

 

Then put it on the one who deserves it. Your husband.

 

Place your anger on him.. because my dear sweet precious SL...HE is the one who betrayed you....he is the one who hurt you....he is the one who said vile things to you.....he is the one who deserves your anger, your frustration, your disappointment.

 

He should be groveling at your feet. I so wish you could see how valuable you are...how precious you are.....what a tremendous mother you are.....what a good friend you are.

 

He does not deserve you.

 

I understand that you never want to blame your spouse....you want to blame her.....I get it.

 

But damn I hate this for you...I hate that this special day for you is such a heart break....

 

hugs to you my sweet friend.....I think you are mother of the year.

[Lady Hamilton]

pardon but just wanted to comment on this - events that happened PRIOR to the affair actually lead to the affair OR are you talking about the events that happened after the affair? as in, bad and inappropriate reactions to the affair?

 

Before the affair, there were breeches of trust he did not get over that really took a toll. There were also issues of abuse (by her) and mental illness (her), and getting pregnant "accidentally" when he said he wasn't ready, as well as hidden violations by her that weren't affairs, but equally damaging.

 

I don't want to trash the woman. They were big violations. My husband didn't deal with them well and that further hurt their marriage.

 

What I mean was that events prior to the affair were something I think both parties would agree was what broke the marriage. The affair was at first handled as a "now we're even, let's move on" thing she was willing to overlook. When it became obvious it wasn't going to end, she was willing to ignore it as long as he stayed. When he tried to leave, then it all fell apart.

 

He didn't have an affair because of those things but because those things happened the marriage was broken before he had the affair. It wasn't broken by the affair.

[ShatteredLady]

I hold no, zip, zero animosity for the OW (this time) I'm not even positive she knew that it wasn't just a strange kind of game.

 

My rant was my H's comparison between the 2 of us & completely denying that she had a nanny or any kind of child care!! (He's very anti childcare by the way!) it's completely delusional!

 

I'm not calling her a bad mother. I'm just saying it's easier to be "The greatest mother in the world" when you spend very little time with your kids (his words not hers. I bet she has tremendous guilt about how little time she spends with them. She actually touched on the subject, listing it as the reason she gave-in & let her little boy sleep in her bed one night after he climbed the 2 gates 3 times....of course my H turned that into a sexual thing, questioning what she'd do for him if he scaled the gates to get to her bed!!)

 

My pain (some days) crazy rage(others) is well & truly on target.

 

I know you have my best in you intentions my dear Mrs A

I was just ranting.

[flowergirl14]

FlowerGirl. Are they your children from a previous marriage or children of you & your H? Sorry, it's not clear from your post.

 

When my current nightmare started with my H the thing that hurt me the most, by far, was the fact that he was talking about "us" being a burden, leaving "us" to peruse what he wanted, "Love, romance & adventure" & not living with the "burden" of "us". Ugh!!

 

It destroyed me when I found communication between him & the OW praising her children & faulting ours. They're very little. It disgusted me! It broke my heart more than anything he said about me. I think we all turn into Mummy bears in these situations.

 

If he was being verbally cruel to one of our children,or both, I don't think I could live with it. When d-day first hit my brain was focused on what I "could sell" to my kids. I HATE the idea of explaining to them that FAMILY can decide for any reason that a parent can decide that they would rather start new with a different family. That's against everything that I believe in.

 

My situational a bit different because the OW doesn't have any relationship with any family member. She was artificially inseminated with her children. From things I read from my H I believed that he was planning on replacing ALL OF US. Not just me as his wife. That disgusted me beyond words.

 

If anyone, ANYONE was causing my babies pain by being in their lives my instincts would make me remove that person from our lives. From the moment a mother starts to feel her babies grow inside of her there is a promise, a faith, responsibility that no matter what happens she will ALWAYS protect & love them.

 

I love FAMILY. I was raised to have blind faith in family. I believed without a shadow of a doubt that my little family had 4 members, Mummy, Daddy, brother & sister. D-day reduced that to 3. Family is sacred.

 

If your daughter is being damaged by your H is there truly a choice? I don't believe in staying together JUST for the kids but I sure as anything believe in getting divorced for the kids!!!

 

Using children to get laid?!?!

 

Yes they are ours together. He was abusive and I should have stopped it right there regardless of the fact that he was cheating. I didnt know he was. I would say now he is 80 percent a better father. Way more involved, patient and kind. He seems like he really is "reformed" Nope! I saw him texting the ow tonight as my son was saddled up next to him. Which is disgusting!

He of course would deny this and I have no way of knowing what the text said . I do know that even though he looks better on paper he is a fraud of sorts. My kids however love the new good guy dad.

[sweet_pea]

Yes, kids are definitely affected. I made a post concerning this a few years ago, but to share with the new people:

 

My best friend's (sister, basically) dad had an affair when we were about 16. I think it was a year long, but can't remember now. Her parents ended up divorcing because of it, he married the OW, and she was incredibly affected. She was a huge daddy's girl, and after finding out, things changed completely. So much so, that when she had her first child, for example, she didn't want him at the hospital. Even to this day, their relationship is not the same. She just does not respect him or look up to him like she used to. She is far more close to her Stepfather than her actual father. I'm trying to encourage her to build up their relationship, but she is still extremely hurt, more than a decade later. It has gotten better, but just is no where near how they were prior. Don't even get me started on how she feels about his wife. It just goes to show that people really don't think about the consequences of their affairs, or how their actions may hurt people outside of just the spouse.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes, kids are definitely affected. I made a post concerning this a few years ago, but to share with the new people:

 

My best friend's (sister, basically) dad had an affair when we were about 16. I think it was a year long, but can't remember now. Her parents ended up divorcing because of it, he married the OW, and she was incredibly affected. She was a huge daddy's girl, and after finding out, things changed completely. So much so, that when she had her first child, for example, she didn't want him at the hospital. Even to this day, their relationship is not the same. She just does not respect him or look up to him like she used to. She is far more close to her Stepfather than her actual father. I'm trying to encourage her to build up their relationship, but she is still extremely hurt, more than a decade later. It has gotten better, but just is no where near how they were prior. Don't even get me started on how she feels about his wife. It just goes to show that people really don't think about the consequences of their affairs, or how their actions may hurt people outside of just the spouse.

 

My father had an affair.

 

He was always a selfish, arrogant man. His affair was merely an extension of this. But it did affect my worldview and view of men in general.

 

It didn't help that I was the one who discovered it prior to my mother (not by long, thank goodness).

 

I find him repugnant and disgusting. We have virtually no relationship anymore. I don't feel a loss over that anymore either. It was "always about him and every freaking mood swing he had" while I was growing up. It was like having an immature older brother that required special care and everyone had to bend around it.

 

The only positive since the affair has been that my mother doesn't quite defend his lousy ass as much as she did before. His mask slipped a little in regards to her.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I hold no, zip, zero animosity for the OW (this time) I'm not even positive she knew that it wasn't just a strange kind of game.

 

My rant was my H's comparison between the 2 of us & completely denying that she had a nanny or any kind of child care!! (He's very anti childcare by the way!) it's completely delusional!

 

I'm not calling her a bad mother. I'm just saying it's easier to be "The greatest mother in the world" when you spend very little time with your kids (his words not hers. I bet she has tremendous guilt about how little time she spends with them. She actually touched on the subject, listing it as the reason she gave-in & let her little boy sleep in her bed one night after he climbed the 2 gates 3 times....of course my H turned that into a sexual thing, questioning what she'd do for him if he scaled the gates to get to her bed!!)

 

My pain (some days) crazy rage(others) is well & truly on target.

 

I know you have my best in you intentions my dear Mrs A

I was just ranting.

 

I get angry when i know you are hurting....

I swear the more things you tell us about your husband....the more I think he does not have a heart

[Ruffian1]

H turned that into a sexual thing, questioning what she'd do for him if he scaled the gates to get to her bed!!)

 

 

Whaaat??

 

 

That is twisted and disgusting thinking.

 

 

I assume this is a toddler, who just wants to be with mommy.

 

 

Unless she is some type of incestual pig, it is just something innocent and he turns it evil. Illuminates what character he has.

 

 

Gross

[wmacbride]

My father had an affair.

 

He was always a selfish, arrogant man. His affair was merely an extension of this. But it did affect my worldview and view of men in general.

 

It didn't help that I was the one who discovered it prior to my mother (not by long, thank goodness).

 

I find him repugnant and disgusting. We have virtually no relationship anymore. I don't feel a loss over that anymore either. It was "always about him and every freaking mood swing he had" while I was growing up. It was like having an immature older brother that required special care and everyone had to bend around it.

 

The only positive since the affair has been that my mother doesn't quite defend his lousy ass as much as she did before. His mask slipped a little in regards to her.

 

 

While form what I can tell the majority of ws don't have this same sense of entitlement and selfishness, when I hear of those who do, i often wonder what sort of parent they can be. If they are the centre of their own little world, I can only assume they put themselves before everyone else, including their kids.

[Mrs. John Adams]

While form what I can tell the majority of ws don't have this same sense of entitlement and selfishness, when I hear of those who do, i often wonder what sort of parent they can be. If they are the centre of their own little world, I can only assume they put themselves before everyone else, including their kids.

 

don't you think even in life without infidelity....there are those who have a sense of self entitlement and selfishness?

 

These same traits can be found in much of the population.....not just cheaters

[ShatteredLady]

OldMan66.

 

I'm so sorry that you have clearly experienced some terrible things in your life. I lost my brother & I know what it's done to my parents. There are things that I don't believe anyone can ever truly recover from.

 

You present in a very harsh, bitter way. I understand the emotions from excruitiating pain too rage. I really do. Your relationship with your wife seemed very dysfunctional, just from the way you treated/spoke to each-other before the first act of adultery. That was unimaginably cruel.

 

Was she suffering from post natal depression? You say that your daughter was new born.

 

Your act of revenge is unconscionable to many, including myself. Divorce was clearly the best option for both of you. How old were your daughters when you moved? Where did they live with their mother? Were you very present in their lives growing-up? Did you move because of the death of your son? I know that my parents needed to move away after my brother died.

 

Your family has many ghosts & from what you say you & your girls are clearly very haunted. It does sound like you all need to face the past & get therapy/help to heal & move forward. Maybe further conversations would be better dealt with in family & individual therapy. I can understand how your daughter who's promiscuous could see your judgement of your exW as condemnation, attack on her & become very diffensive.

 

It sounds like you all have a lot to work through & I wish all of you my best.

[goodyblue]

Absolutely.

 

My friend discovered her fathers affair when she was in high school and he accidentally left his Facebook signed in.

 

She hasn't spoken to him in 15 years (not even while living in the same house as him..her parents stayed together) and she cannot hold onto a relationship as she doesn't trust men at all.

 

This is obviously an extreme case but I think any affair will affect a child. I'm sure at some point in our childhoods we all saw our parents cry for some reason or another. Remember how terrified and powerless it made you feel?

 

Kids are so much more perceptive than adults. They pick up on behavioral changes and atmospheres and attitudes.

 

Seeing a parent sad or hurt or distant or miserable is bound to have a profound effect on a child even if they don't know the reason for it. That's the person who's supposed to protect you. They're supposed to be stronger than you until you can take care of yourself and it's scary as all hell when they're not.

 

She found his facebook open fifteen years ago? Wut

[dreamingoftigers]

I think Oldman's story only shows that not only do the garden-variety affairs hurt kids. But Revenge Affairs hurt kids too.

 

It normalizes the behaviour for the kids too.

 

One thing I see on LS a lot as well is that many young daughters of adultery go on to become OW pining after MM. The pattern suggests something like "maybe this time MM will pick ME, instead of all of the other things in his life."

 

You can't tell me that isn't reliving childhood BS.

Edited April 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[wmacbride]

I think Oldman's story only shows that not only do the garden-variety affairs hurt kids. But Revenge Affairs hurt kids too.

 

It normalizes the behaviour for the kids too.

 

One thing I see on LS a lot as well is that many young daughters of adultery go on to become OW pining after MM. The pattern suggests something like "maybe this time MM will pick ME, instead of all of the other things in his life."

 

You can't tell me that isn't reliving childhood BS.

 

 

In some situations, that really seems to be what's going on. I don;t know whether it's that they subconsciously feel like their father abandoned them in favor of the ow, and they are always looking to heal that wound, or that they become, in essence, the person they feel helped to hurt them. It could be that they got used to be neglected and treated poorly by their cheating mom or dad, so they feel that sort of behavior is what;s normal in a relationship, like they aren't worth more.

 

That's really sad.

Edited April 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator