Month long lurker looking to vent

[Talon235]

5 years ago I started dating the most beautiful girl I have ever known who also just happened to be my best friend at the time. We fell for each other very hard and very fast. After a month of dating she very quickly asked when we should get married. Don't get me wrong I was hesitant as HELL and wanted to take things slower but she made some pretty compelling arguments at the time.

 

Her father proposed to her mother after one month of dating, and to be honest compared to my family they had the most picturesque marriage I had ever seen in my life. They seemed to be the most loving and happiest couple on the face of the goddamned planet. They talked about how "growing together was more important aspects of marriage and that's why we are the way we are blah blah horse crap". This alone was her basis for getting married quickly, and from what I saw it was pretty compelling.

 

Now I didn't propose in one month like some crazy person, but I did propose by month 7. We were married a few months after that. We were both as happy as could be. Sure there were some rough times in the beginning while we got on our feet after college. We were stressed out, but at least we were happy together. 2 years into marriage we bought a house together and were on cloud 9. and then two months after that my wife got the big bomb drop that her parents were getting a divorce. Her mom claimed that she had been living in an unhappy marriage for 27 years, putting on some act. Really though she was cheating on him with some guy she says she knew from high school and hid the whole thing, but then was found out so they had to get a divorce.

 

My wife fell into a deep depression. Her perfect little family dream was destroyed. Honestly I probably started to fall into depression at this time as well because I subconsciously had the feeling that this would lead to our eventual divorce. My wife started to lean heavily on weed as a coping mechanism and I went along with it, we kind of just went through the motions because she was very withdrawn and not very affectionate. We both gained a ton of weight. We started to fight more often because I felt like we couldn't afford to keep smoking as much as we did. She wanted to go out drinking all the time and I just wasn't as much of a party boy anymore. I on the other hand started to develop a really poor attitude towards her because I was upset about her going out all the time and she wasn't very affectionate. She was upset that I didn't want to go with her and that it wasn't fun anymore. More issues, more problems. Life stuff. Look I thought that I had to grow up and wasn't interested in the all night bar scene anymore.

 

Anyways lets just fast forward this. Two years after her parents got a divorce, she went on a second two week trip to Colorado where her best friend is moving and came back and started crying and said she wanted a divorce. Said she wasn't in love with me anymore, that she wanted to move to Colorado and figure out what she actually wants from life because she was afraid of doing to me what her mom did to her dad. Probably some self fulfilling prophecy on my part honestly. Look it wasn't all bad, but it was rocky. Sometimes she would be affectionate. Sometimes we would have fun together. We would go through like 4 month periods of good times then 4 month periods of bad times.

 

I saw this coming. We got married too goddamn young. She was 22, I was 24. She had no idea what to expect from life and we were both completely naive. She was fed a fairy tail lie about how life would be. So I let her go, yeah it hurts like hell but I didn't put up a fight. Sure the first day I begged like a little girl but then I told her I had to let her go because I love her and she deserves to be happy blah blah, It still hurts like hell. We still live together and we're still friendly as hell. We have a weirdly honest relationship. She freely told me who she was interested in both at home and in Denver and that she knew she was starting to fall out of love because she was developing crushes. I told her to pursue them, gave her my blessing, because first and foremost she was my best friend, even before we got married, and I admit I knew she was unhappy for a long time. I also don't believe in any form of sanctity of marriage anyways. I always told her that she didn't belong to me, I could tell she was unhappy way before she asked for a divorce, sometimes when we fought I would tell her that if she's so unhappy to not let marriage trap her with me. I wanted to be married to someone who actually loved me, not someone who married me because that's what they thought they had to do.

 

You know, I really lost myself in marriage. Hell I started reading some old chats from friends in Highschool. Then I started reading old Facebook messages with friends I use to have in college and I thought to myself "Holy crap" who is this person. I couldn't recognize myself. I sounded goddamn happy and flirty and funny. I don't have a lot of those kinds of friendships anymore. I became a shell of who I used to be and I was working hard to have career so we could have kids. Her mom was a stay at home mom so I needed to advance to a point where she could stop working to raise children. THANK GOD we didn't have children.

 

I wasn't fun anymore she said, no I wasn't fun anymore because I lost myself in you and the expectations I put on myself about how our live should be. I never want to lose myself again. I admit to my half of the problems in the divorce, I had a lot of them. I blamed myself a lot the first few weeks but now I see the whole picture. I just need to work on myself from now on.

 

 

end vent. Thanks for listening

[bathtub-row]

I'm sorry you had to go through this but I must admit that I think the two of you were just too young to be getting married, not to mention way too young to be buying a house. Most people don't realize what a massive responsibility it is to own a home and I often discourage young people to buy a house simply for that reason.

 

I think your wife wanted that Norman Rockwell painting that she thought her parents had but when she realized that it was all a lie, it somehow gave her permission to reject that way of life and be herself. Her parents did her a real disservice by feeding her the line of bull they fed her. If nothing else, her mom could've hinted that not all was well in paradise. Something. I have to say, though, that when I see people who appear to be so blissfully happy, I'm suspicious. I always wonder why they're so anxious to paint such a picture. Then, again, I don't have a lot of faith in marriage myself. I did grow up with great parents who had a very good marriage but just because people have that doesn't mean their kids are going to end up in great marriages.

 

I personally applaud you for your attitude toward your wife. I see so many people who think they own their spouses and it drives me nuts. I think you'll find someone who really appreciates you. In the meantime, get back out there and enjoy life, travel - whatever. Then again, if you really enjoyed being married, then maybe that's what you want for yourself. I'm sure you're going to do fine.

 

And, yes, you're right -- it's a real blessing that the two of you never had a child.