How long did it take for you to get over your first love

[geronimo]

Nothing wrong with being picky. Tap the ones that you're attracted to of course.

Having zero game is an excuse and not a reason not to go out there and have fun. You'll always have zero game if you dont do anything about it.

 

I understand what you're saying and I know the feelings you're experiencing very well. But you have to realize that by feeding that negativity it'll only prolong your pain and it'll be harder to get unstuck from her.

 

You'll have to consciously do things that oppose what your head is telling you right now. If your head is telling you to stay in on a Saturday night and feel butthurt because she rejected you, you should instead discipline yourself against it and go out, try to have fun. Find girls and talk to them, tease them, flirt. Get rejected and have a laugh with it.

Do it solo or with a wingman, not with a whole basketball team of buddies.

 

A last advice. Avoid online dating at any cost. It'll be a mindfack right now.

 

You're absolutely right, I am trying to make it a point now to go approach women that I am attracted to instead of standing by and doing nothing and making excuses like you said. I'll keep this post updated, hopefully with some better news down the road.

 

My biggest problem is rejection, I know I can't handle it and therefore I just avoid it at all costs and only start talking/flirting with girls when I feel its safe and the feelings are reciprocated. But I have to stop and go out of my comfort zone.

 

Lol I'm not an online dating kind of guy so I highly doubt I would ever go that route but I agree it would be a mindf*ck right now. Thanks alot for the advice.

[geronimo]

My first true love, didn't take long to get over at all. Probably because I met someone else very quickly so all of the pain and heartbreak that usually happens with a split was papered over with excitement and lust for someone else. I broke it off.

 

Second, however. Together almost two years, lived together pretty much that entire time, friends for a couple years first, involve with one another's families. One night he just walked out and never came back. I didn't get any closure until two years later when I finally bumped into him and he said 'I just didn't feel loved, I think it was me, cos you clearly did love me". Have to say I didn't feel much, I'd already given myself closure by that point, all I needed to know was that he didn't want me anymore, that's all it takes.

 

I'd say it took about eighteen months to feel truly okay with. A lot of that time felt like shock. I handled by throwing myself into my new degree, work, friends and dating. But I have a clear memory of one entire year later, sobbing down the phone to my friend asking why did he leave me? What's wrong with me? That was after 100% NC for a year and it still hurt a lot at times. The pain and rejection and humiliation and loss of a shared future and suddenly feeling very alone in the world is a tough pill to swallow. It is by far, to this day, the most painful experience I've ever been through. I watched my own Mom drink herself to death in my very early twenties and the pain from that wasn't a patch on how I felt with this break up. It's a lot harder to handle losing someone who doesn't want you anymore than it is to come to terms with a death, for me anyway. Death is so final and nobody's fault. The split was the opposite.

 

I feel nothing for him now, don't wish him ill. But I do still think that to leave someone out of the blue and never ever explain why is a horrible thing to do, especially as he left me in a flat I couldn't afford alone and I ended up technically homeless and sofa surfing until I could find my own place. Funny enough when we bumped into each other that one time two years later and caught up on each other's lives he was gutted to hear some of the things that had happened in my family since that caused great pain and led to estrangement, he gave me his number and said I can text any time I need a friend. I thanked him, he got out of the car and I started laughing. I have so many amazing friends in my life, in that area I've been so truly blessed. Why would I want to reach out in any way to someone who caused me such harm? I threw the paper into the footwell and never saw it again.

 

First of all I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

Secondly, I have to say, and I hope you don't take it the wrong way but you sound like my ex. You found somoene else right away after your first love, but in her case I feel like she lined him up/left me cuz of him. They've now been together for about a year and I think they're constantly breaking up/making up etc etc. Which in my opinion is bs if you clearly can't be together then u shouldn't be (but who am I to tell her what she can/can't do with her life).

 

I agree with you about death being final, and that was something that really scared me but hearing it from someone else makes me feel a bit better about it. I knew that the pain I felt about this breakup is more than if she/someone close to me were to die. Because death is so final, and breakups leave us with little closure, hence why the pain keeps going.

 

I'm glad you're in a better place now and I hope I can do the same with my ex one day. Thank you!

[JuanDelToro]

You're absolutely right, I am trying to make it a point now to go approach women that I am attracted to instead of standing by and doing nothing and making excuses like you said. I'll keep this post updated, hopefully with some better news down the road.

 

My biggest problem is rejection, I know I can't handle it and therefore I just avoid it at all costs and only start talking/flirting with girls when I feel its safe and the feelings are reciprocated. But I have to stop and go out of my comfort zone.

 

Lol I'm not an online dating kind of guy so I highly doubt I would ever go that route but I agree it would be a mindf*ck right now. Thanks alot for the advice.

 

Awareness and acceptance are the first two crucial steps towards fixing a problem and you`ve already took both.

 

You`ve already experienced a major rejection, how does a little rejection here and there from strangers can compare to that? Do not make the mistake believing that it`ll feel the same, because it simply won`t.

It can sting a little, yes, for the first few times. But every time it`ll happen you`ll become stronger and stronger and eventually you`ll become immune to it. It`s a rather quick process. You can conquer the fear of rejection in literally a day if you put the effort, seriously.

Make it a goal to go out and talk/flirt with 50 girls in a day and get back to me the next day with the results. Apart from that, you`ll most probably end up with at least 5 new solid numbers (10% rule).

 

As you said you`ll have to take a leap of faith and step out of your comfort zone and just do it. If it gets too much to flirt with 50 girls in a day, just "Approach>say hello>leave" to as many as possible.

[acrosstheuniverse]

First of all I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

Secondly, I have to say, and I hope you don't take it the wrong way but you sound like my ex. You found somoene else right away after your first love, but in her case I feel like she lined him up/left me cuz of him. They've now been together for about a year and I think they're constantly breaking up/making up etc etc. Which in my opinion is bs if you clearly can't be together then u shouldn't be (but who am I to tell her what she can/can't do with her life).

 

I agree with you about death being final, and that was something that really scared me but hearing it from someone else makes me feel a bit better about it. I knew that the pain I felt about this breakup is more than if she/someone close to me were to die. Because death is so final, and breakups leave us with little closure, hence why the pain keeps going.

 

I'm glad you're in a better place now and I hope I can do the same with my ex one day. Thank you!

 

Hey! Yeah... It's difficult really, I didn't leave my first love to be with another guy, I knew from day one we wouldn't have a serious relationship and if I left my ex it'd be more because I felt I needed to explore and see what was out there rather than for another relationship. I met this older guy (me 22 at the time him 41) and the sexual attraction was like something I've never felt before or since. I never crossed the line until my R was over as I don't cheat, but a combo of factors made me feel I had to leave. The relationship was very stormy (as are most when you're in your teens and early twenties), he was very jealous and controlling, tried to control what I wore, who I saw, and frequently for four years prioritised video games and skateboarding over our relationship. So when I met this other guy and we had such chemistry and so much in common (I couldn't walk past him alone in a room because the chemistry was so strong, I'd have been scared of what would happen between us... From walking in the door we were both insanely turned on just meeting for lunch in a public canteen), the desire to follow that through, coupled with the fact that for years I'd felt quite neglected and unwanted and as though I wasn't a priority in his life, gave me the push to end it. If my ex had been more mature and made me feel more loved and we'd been on the same page (I was more into him then he was me I feel looking back) I would be surprised if we weren't together to this day, because I loved him insanely. It was a perfect storm, attention from and desire for someone else coupled with issues in the R and the only honourable thing I felt I could do was walk away to pursue something else. We ended up seeing each other for six months, that's all, but what a six months... I knew that would be the extent from the start. We are good friends to this day, not the sort to be texting frequently but checking in every few months and meet up a couple times per year for a drink. As for my ex, we're on very friendly terms when we bump into one another though we don't have a friendship. Years later he said he could see why I'd go elsewhere when he made me feel like an option.

 

So all is well that ends well in this situation.

 

Romantic love ending is the single most painful sensation I've ever felt. I think I'd rather have my arm set on fire for a bit than go through it again. But it is unavoidable and in that way reassuringly such a common human experience!