my wife hates my child. don't know what to do.

[Wade000]

I have a problem. When I was 18 and a freshman in college, my girlfriend got pregnant. She was 15 at the time. We had a good relationship and I thought it would last but when she told me she was pregnant I didn't believe her and we broke up. I got married to someone else 3 years ago.

 

Almost a year ago I saw my ex-girlfriend Karla* with a little girl that looked like it could be her daughter. I walked a bit closer (without her seeing me) and got a closer look. She looked around 9, which would have fit the time frame of when Karla told me she was pregnant. And she had some of my features and my smile. I freaked. I left quickly and mulled over it for a few days. I was too afraid to tell Rachel* my wife. I felt like total scum for not believing her. I tried to find her again and after a while I did and apologized to her for not believing her. She was pissed at me for a long time, with good reason.

 

I told my wife but she didn't want to hear it. She didn't want me to have anything to do with my daughter, Annie*. By this time, we had already done a DNA test and now my name was on her birth certificate and it was official. I love my daughter and I try to spend as much time as I can with her but Rachel hates it. I bring Annie around so she and Rachel can get to know each other better but Rachel is pretty bad to her. She ignores her, screams at her, and is just plain rude. When I tell Rachel that I'm going to spend time with Annie, she tries to get me to go somewhere else with her. At this point, I have to sneak around to see my own child and that's ridiculous. I've tried talking to RAchel to see why she's reacting this way but I get no answer. Rachel and I have no children of our own, she does not want any. We never planned it. She doesn't have to like Annie, but she could at least accept the fact that I love her and WILL spend time with her. She's my child. I wasn't in her life before, but I am now and I'm trying to make up for all the years lost. I can't even imagine my life without her now.

 

Rachel's being unreasonable and I'm at my wits end. When I go to see my daughter, my wife accuses me of still being in love with Karla. I'm not in love with my ex, but we're friends. Though not close. I tell my wife that theres nothing going on between us, but she refuses to listen. I don't know why Rachel hates my daughter so much. She's a real sweet child (but then again, i'm biased ). Could it be that she's reminded that I had a life before I met her? Could it be that Annie's biracial (Karla's black, I'm white). Rachel and I have lots of friends that aren't white, so I never thought she could be racist. I really don't know what it is, but I do know that it's not Annie's fault. I'm thinking about moving out into an apartment by myself or something because this is tiring. And now Rachel is grumpy and snappy (at everything) and just plain different from when we met. So I'm thinking "who on earth did I marry?" She's changed. But I do know that I won't let this go on. Even though I love my wife, I will not let her treat my daughter like that or get mad at me for wanting to be a father to her. She has a problem and it's not Annie's. I didn't cheat on her, I didn't lie. I just had a life before her.

 

But I don't know if moving out is what I should do. I just don't know. Any suggestions? (sorry if this is a bit long)

[LucreziaBorgia]

Your wife needs to come to terms with the fact that you have a child, and that you want to be in that child's life. Have you suggested marriage or individual counseling to her?

 

It may well be that just as you see that she has changed, its likely that she is seeing some changes in you too: changes that make you seem different than the man she married. I have a feeling that she is threatened not by the child necessarily, but by the changes that this child has brought into your life - she probably feels helpless by these changes and is looking for everything on earth to explain what brought them about except for the one simple explanation she can't accept: you are in this child's life because you choose to be, period. No outside influence 'brainwashed' you into wanting this, and your wife seems pretty determined to find something to blame for 'changing' you rather than accepting that you changed yourself. Her ego is likely hurt knowing that you willingly chose to make these changes, and that your love for your wife was not enough to make you want to ignore your daughter and the changes that came with accepting her into your life. I'm not questioning your love for your wife, but from her point of view - I expect she is questioning it - and therein lies the hostility.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, I feel for you on this one. That's just terrible!

I bring Annie around so she and Rachel can get to know each other better but Rachel is pretty bad to her. She ignores her, screams at her, and is just plain rude. When I tell Rachel that I'm going to spend time with Annie, she tries to get me to go somewhere else with her. At this point, I have to sneak around to see my own child and that's ridiculous. I've tried talking to RAchel to see why she's reacting this way but I get no answer. Rachel and I have no children of our own, she does not want any. We never planned it. She doesn't have to like Annie, but she could at least accept the fact that I love her and WILL spend time with her. She's my child. I wasn't in her life before, but I am now and I'm trying to make up for all the years lost. I can't even imagine my life without her now.

 

She HAS to get over this. Either with the help of one on one therapy or marriage councilling. This child is going to be a part of her life forever, as long as she is married to you. Somehow she has to put her personal feelings aside and get to know your daughter.

 

Personally I think she's too worried what everybody will think, that you had a child with somebody else. And that she is black. Though I would hate to know that just because you're white and your daughter is mixed that she would have issues. If so, she needs to GET OVER IT already!

 

You aren't cheating on her, nor do you intend to. Either way, your EX and your daughter are there, and she has to come up with some solution to be part of the family and cope - OR she may find herself very lonely.

 

She doesn't want children and I think that from the start it wasn't part of the deal, so now it's been forced upon her. The decision is really hers now. Can she accept and get past this, try to realize if she wants you in her life she must accept things as they are and make the effort with your daughter, or not. She may not ever be ready to be stepmom. Or want to be.

 

You both really need to sit and talk this out, because from where I sit, I get the feeling NOBODY is going to tell you if you can or can't be part of your daughter's life.

 

Hope this helps. Keep us updated.

[HokeyReligions]

Ditto what everyone else has said. You are your wife need to rationally discuss this and set some new boundaries in your marriage. It sounds like you have realized that life changes in unexpected ways and you understand that you must be flexible and expand to meet new demands and let go of some of the plans you may have had for your life. I don't mean big things, but some people think that their lives will follow a certain path and they are unwilling to explore away from the path. Your wife sounds a bit like that. Eventually she will realize that she can't predict exactly how your marriage and her life will be.

 

It can be a crushing blow to learn that. While talking with your wife set some boundaries for the two of you. You still need time just with her and without your daughter coming into the conversation. You would need that even if you and your wife had a child. Parents need 'grown up' time too. That might help her to deal with the whole situation too and she might not feel that she is losing you totally to your daughter.

 

IMO, you and your wife need some outside help to deal with this -- as in marriage counseling and individual counseling. It's not an easy situation and you are caught in the middle. You love your wife and you love your child. You want to do right by both of them. It can tear you apart. Your wife needs to know that there is more than enough love in your heart for both her and your child.

[Wade000]

Rachel and I do spend alot of time together. Annie doesn't live with us. When Rachel and I are alone, nothing much has changed. We still go out. We still alot of the things we used to do and I don't bring up my daughter in every conversation, but if we're at the store together and I see something Annie would like, I'd get it. Rachel never signed on to be a parent and I understand that. I told her that she didnt have to be a "parent" or even a "stepparent" to her, just a "friend" if that word made it more comfortable for her, but she wouldn't give it. She still has mood swings.

 

A marriage counselor seems like a good idea, I do love my wife and I hope she gets over this.

 

I know that I can have a life with my daughter and my wife without the two of them ever interracting (or I think I can) but I do want them to interact. That's why I posted here. Annie is truly a delight and I think my wife would see that if she just let go of the resentment.

 

When our friends throw parties and their children are there, Rachel is really nice to them. I think she really does like children, but I guess it's different when it's thrown at you. But sometimes you just have to adapt. I did (though it was a choice). But when I do try to talk it out with her, she doesn't want to hear it. She gets mad and changes the subject. Mind you that I don't bring Annie up in every conversation. But she has to understand how serious I am about keeping my daughter in my life.

 

But I am trying. As hard and as much as I know how to. Maybe I'm missing something...maybe I could try something else.

[whichwayisup]

I know that I can have a life with my daughter and my wife without the two of them ever interracting (or I think I can) but I do want them to interact. That's why I posted here. Annie is truly a delight and I think my wife would see that if she just let go of the resentment.

 

But that's not fair to any of you. You deserve to have an open life with your daughter and it's not a good idea for your wife to be excluded or your daughter to be excluded either. These two could end up to be the best of friends! Later in life as your daughter grows up, your wife could bring SO much good into your daughter's life. She just has to get past the shock of it all, and keep an open mind!

 

Yes, she this wasn't what she bargained for, but it is what cards have been dealt now. Let's say one of you had a horrible accident and was wheelchair bound - Unexpected and totally changed your lives, each of you would accept it and try to work through the difficulties - Together. I know I should not be comparing apples/oranges here, but really, it's not like you planned this either - Just happened.

 

When our friends throw parties and their children are there, Rachel is really nice to them. I think she really does like children, but I guess it's different when it's thrown at you. But sometimes you just have to adapt. I did (though it was a choice). But when I do try to talk it out with her, she doesn't want to hear it. She gets mad and changes the subject. Mind you that I don't bring Annie up in every conversation. But she has to understand how serious I am about keeping my daughter in my life.

 

I hope she can accept this as it is. Just concentrate on the good stuff, maybe she'll realize how much this child will bring into her life. Both of your lives. A family unit, even more than before...

 

But I am trying. As hard and as much as I know how to. Maybe I'm missing something...maybe I could try something else

 

I think the MC is a start, getting your wife to open up and come to some sort of conclusion together. Good luck and keep on posting!

[ishouldgiveup]

It kind of doesn't make sense to me, that back when your girlfriend told you she was pregnant, you didn't believe her and you then broke up. You mean you never saw her again after that? Surely you ran into her after you broke up, surely you had mutual friends who could/would have confirmed that she was in fact pregnant. Why on earth didn't you believe her - particularly if you 2 were obviously sexually active? I guess I have hard time believing that you didn't know all these years that she did in fact have your child - and then it makes me wonder if you entered into your current marriage, knowing that there really was a child out there of yours.....and if that was the case, you should have told your current wife that prior to marriage.....because I think that's a lot of where the problem lies........your wife doesn't want children, probably made that clear to you back when you were dating - and now she's been hit with a real doozy.

 

Doesn't seem to have a "ring of truth" to me that you'd just dump a girlfriend because she claimed she was pregnant and you didn't believe her - it would seem more believable to me that you'd have at least tried to find out for sure if she was pregnant. That wouldn't have been hard? I'm sure when she was far along into the pregnancy, if you'd seen her, you'd have not been able to miss the fact that she was pregnant. Sorry but I'm more inclined to believe that you found out she was pregnant and you bolted.

 

 

I'm not saying her behavior is right but let's face it, it's a shocking revelation.

 

I suspect she's rude to your daughter (not that it's right, of course it's not) because your daughter is a tangible reminder that you were once involved with your daughter's mom........and it would make sense that maybe she feels very threatened by that fact. She could also be very worried that there's a chance you'll want to rekindle something with your daughter's mom, afterall...you apparently didn't even know you had a daughter all these years, now you find out.....and hey, a lot of people might want to be with the mom of their child and be "a family."

 

I think her immaturity and nastiness is really just a lot of fear and hurt coming out. There's likely a part of her that wonders if you really did just find out about this daughter or if you really knew all these years yet went into the marriage with that 'secret.'

 

I think that until you 2 can get some counselling and start working on all this, you should not be bringing your daughter over to your house........and only because it's so unfair for your poor daughter to have to be subjected to someone who is mean and disrespectful to her, someone who yells at her (that's rotten! your wife has no right in the world to yell at her) and clearly wishes she weren't in the picture. Your daughter, as all children do, doesn't deserve to be made to feel that she's not wanted, that so unfair and can have a lasting impact on her.

[Wade000]

I was 18. I was immature back then, still a kid. Maybe I didn't want to believe that she was pregnant. That's probably why I ran so fast (and didn't try to find out the truth). Didn't want to think about it so I blocked it from my mind. People do really stupid things when they're scared. Like run and try to forget things. Or not believe, like I did. and that came to bite me in the butt later on. Missing 9 years. that's something I think about all the time, now wishing that I could have been there. It's not easy. I'm glad that I'm in her life now and try not to dwell on the past, but like I said. It's not easy. (I'm ranting, aren't I?)

 

and as for the mutual friends, we didn't have any. She introduced me to some of her friends from school, but I didn't make them my friends. She lived quite a bit away from my school, so I didn't see her every day and I didn't have much chance of bumping into her afterwards.

 

Rachel has nothing to be afraid of. I'm not going to divorce her and go back with Karla. I know Rachel and I can work out this problem, it'll just take some time. I'm confident in that.

[ollydolly]

Rachel sound very jealous that you and Karla "share" a love for your daughter. It's a bond she can't relate to.

 

As others have suggested, therapy will help this situation.

 

Yes, it must have been an incredible shock to Rachel to realize the man she married has a daughter she never knew existed. But if she admits to loving you, she will have to also admit that having Annie in your life is a must for you both. Would she prefer it if you turned your back on your own daughter? What would that make you then in her eyes?!

 

Out of curiosity; you must have lost a bit of respect for your wife after the way she's handled this - yes/no?

[Wade000]

I wouldn't really say that I "lost respect" for Rachel, but I do that she's capable of handling this situation differently. She's always been logical and reasonable except for now. She's behaving like a child. In any other situation, she would stop, think, and then act accordingly. But not in this case.

 

She knows I wouldn't turn my back on Annie. She knows that's not even a suggestion. I wouldnt expect her to turn her back on her family if I asked (which I never, ever will) so she should do the same. Not expect me to turn my back on mine.

 

I was thinking about getting Karla to talk to Rachel, so she would know that there wasn't a threat there, that maybe they could even become friends or find common ground, but I'm really afraid of how that would turn out. Karla's the type that gets along with almost anyone and if they put their differences aside they could become friends. And that be alot better for my daughter too.

 

I was reading some advice columns about jealous children building a relationship with the parent's boyfriend and girlfriend and one suggested that they spend time alone so the child could see that the other person wasn't a threat to the parent/child relationship and that sounded like a good idea. So if I could try that with Rachel and Karla (to talk things out), there wouldn't be a resentment.

 

As I said before, Annie's a delight. She adapts quickly, so if Rachel started being a bit nicer, they would bond pretty quickly. That's what I'm looking forward to.

 

Marriage counseling has been mentioned here and I've also read some other threads and alot of times the problem's been solved or at least lessended before they resorted to couseling. I want to try that. and use MC as kind of a last resort. Can't hurt, really. Annie doesn't come around here anymore, so she doesn't have to deal with Rachel right now.

 

Karla talkes to Annie and I talk to her about Rachel, so she doesn't feel bad about the situation. It's working well.

 

Last night Rachel and I had a date that went very well, but on our way home, Annie called and Rachel picked up my cell phone and wasn't too happy. She practically threw the phone at me...

 

I just hope all this works out in the end. I havent been on this website before but it's good to have a place to talk about the situation I'm in.

[hotgurl]

did you ever talk to Rachel about her feelings on how you handled the situation? That could be an area of resentment. If I found out my husband dumped his g.f and accused her of lying after she told him she was pregnant I would loose so much respect for him. I would wonder in a similar circumstance would he bail on me?

 

Also the issue of child support could be triggering it. It sounds selfish but paying out what she see as her & your money to a third party for a child she has nothing to do with might piss her off.

 

But honestly it could be the first piece if I found out my husband did something so selfish & sh*tty I'd probably bail.

[Mr Spock]

Oh, how the past comes to bite one in the ass. I'm suprised she never sued you for child support, and you're lucky she isn't doing it now.

 

 

Think of it as her being jealous of your past sexual partners. It's not logical, but she can't help it. She's allowed to be jealous-she's never had to compete for your time before, and I'm sure it's not appreciated. What you need to do is still make her feel SPECIAL in your alone time together.

 

There is no requirement for her to be a step parent, or even a friend. What she NEEDS to be is an adult, and cordial and polite towards your daughter.

 

 

If she can't manage even that, I would lay down the law.

[Mr Spock]

I was thinking about getting Karla to talk to Rachel, so she would know that there wasn't a threat there, that maybe they could even become friends or find common ground, but I'm really afraid of how that would turn out. Karla's the type that gets along with almost anyone and if they put their differences aside they could become friends. And that be alot better for my daughter too

 

Bad idea. She'll take it as you three ganging up on her, and I'm pretty sure she feels like an outsider already as it is. Limit your contact with Karla as much as you can.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah don't let your wife meet Karla. That will only bring on other issues and problems. Waaay too early for that, maybe once your wife opens up and gets used to your daughter, THEN maybe they should officially meet.

Last night Rachel and I had a date that went very well, but on our way home, Annie called and Rachel picked up my cell phone and wasn't too happy. She practically threw the phone at me...

 

She is acting like a pissy child and honestly I would not put up with that behaviour. Fine, she has issues with being a possible stepmom, I get that, but she is CHOOSING to be this way and it takes alot of effort and energy to purposely act like a spoiled brat. I'm sorry, but your wife is acting like one. The best way to handle it is like you would treat a child. Don't reward her behaviour. There are more mature ways of handling this situation, her unhappiness on how the marriage has now changed because it will include your daughter. She has to get over it and find some middle ground, a solution otherwise it will continue to get worse.

[Mrs Stem]

You are married. And that meant that you made a vow to put that person ahead of all others.

 

You also created that poor child who didn't ask to be born into this world.

 

If I was your wife, I might also have a fear somewhere in my heart, that you knew you had an illegitimate child all along, before you even married me.

 

I think you just need to explain to Rachel that Karla and you have no relationship. You don't have, don't want a relationship with Karla.

 

But that child needs you and Rachel, and since Rachel is the love of your life, and your mate for life, you need her support in dealing with this situation.

 

And then you book the two of you into marriage counseling. I think it could do you a world of good.

[RecordProducer]

Your wife is ridiculous and unfair. Besides, she doesn't want to have kids with you which tells itself how selfish she is for not even letting you have the kid you already have. Make it clear to her that if you have to choose between her and Annie, you will choose Annie, which has nothing to do with Annie's mother. Tell her that her behavior turns you off and it might end up by you leaving her. A third party would be helpful in trying to explain to her some things.

[SoleMate]

...Rachel has nothing to be afraid of...she's always been logical and reasonable except for now...

Hmmmmm.

 

Rachel should be the one to say whether she has fear or not, not you. Her fears are what they are...your telling us that there is no reason for them is pointless.

 

Have you actually talked to your life partner and ASKED her to tell you what effect the appearance of Annie has had on her? I suspect that she is deeply hurt, suspicious, jealous, and questioning just what she means to you and what other surprises you are capable of pulling out of your closet.

 

Don't get me wrong...I would NEVER advise abandoning or deserting your biochild. However, you screwed up when you were 18, and now it is time for some very hard work to do your duty by TWO people who have legitimate claims on your time, attention and love. You are really going to have do LISTEN long and hard to Rachel. It's her turn to talk now. Not yours. You listen, fully and openly, without defensiveness.

 

Like Mrs Stem said:

...that child needs you and Rachel, and since Rachel is the love of your life, and your mate for life, you need her support in dealing with this situation.

 

You are NOT in a position to command the support and cooperation of your wife. You can only ask, and do what it takes to make this OK for her. Please google for "marriage builders" and follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. It's the only way to run a marriage. You sound like you have your plan as to what will happen ("instant big happy family"), and you are trying to impose it on your wife without her agreement. THAT'S at the heart of her anger and grief.

 

And PLEASE forget about having Rachel meet Karla, who is such a great gal and "gets along with everyone". Horrible idea until this problem is resolved.

 

SUMMARY: ASK Rachel what this situation has done to her, and what you can do to make it right.

[Woggle]

Shame on you for letting your wife yell and scream at your own daughter. That is your own flesh and blood and you are casting her aside for some woman who will probably divorce you ina few years. Any woman who wanted me to cut my own child out of my life would be kicked to the curb.

[guest]

theres no 'shame on you' you don't control your wifes emotions.

 

I thinkanother poster may have hit on something though. the other poster couldn't believe that you didn't know or suspect that you had a child out in the world. You say you didn't know and put it out of your mind, but maybe its not so much the child as it is that your wife doubts that you were honest with her and the child is a constant reminder of what she considers your deception. your wife may not even realize that is what it is about.

 

its silly for others to say your wife has to get over it, we all know that your wife has to come to grips with the situation and deal with it as best she can for her own peace of mind and heart. just as you and the child and the childs mother must do.

 

instead of trying to 'fix' your wife, why don't you get some counseling for yourself so that you can better handle your own emotions and turmoil and maybe your wife will eventually go to counseling with you.

 

its going to take some time and adjustment for all of you. one thing that you know is that you can't balance the two most important people in your life without their cooperation. it would be natural fo ryou to want to share your childs triumphs with your wife and not with the childs mother, and you will need hyour wifes love and support when you deal with the hurts your child will inevitably suffer and the worry you will have as a parent.

 

Its not something your wife ever bargained for, but there is a lot in life that we face and never imagined. it takes some getting used to.