Recently Separated - Want her back

[noidea2602]

My Story is somewhat long but here goes.

 

My wife and I are young still mid twenties, we have 2 young kids under the age of 3 together. We had been together for 8.5 years with issues only recently between us.

 

I won't blame her for the choices here but try to give context. She left me suddenly with no real talk on trying to work things through, I was heartbroken and stupid early on as you can imagine. It didn't help that this is my first breakup and hers so we are stupid at even doing it.

 

We decided to stay in the same house in different rooms short term as we share debt and a lease for years to come. This worked for a whole of 6 days when she decided to break up with me far harder as she felt I didn't understand what it meant for us and she didn't want to see me. Although normally fine I am the full time carer for our children so I would have had to leave the house with no income and nowhere to watch the children.

 

We argued and fought over this for another week before she said I wasn't taking it seriously (had no options that I could use) so she left to her parents house which was setup with spare rooms for the kids already. Since then we have still needed regular contact as I watch the kids most days and she gets them most nights (we broke up 3.5 weeks ago now and we only moved to this arrangement a week ago).

 

I tried no contact throughout this but with her controlling all the money and all the bills in my name plus the kids and our lease it was impossible and sadly we both towards the end were suffering from depression. We sought consoling together only after some negotiation from me but she saw no real point and used it to try to cut more hope from me. Since then I have canceled future sessions together and sought at least one more for myself.

 

I do not contact her outside of things we need to discuss or haven't until this week but she has spoken to me about some issue or something every day on top of seeing me most mornings and nights. This is long but context helps others comment.

 

My actions have been to learn about breaking up, look at myself and what I want and why. Look at who I was and who I have become as a person and actively work on it. I have been reading about interactions with women in general and about getting back with your ex and see mostly that they are very similar so no real point fighting the facts.

 

I am using apps to begin looking at other women although being so early on in the breakup step it is almost being done because im supposed to but I understand why so I do it. I have lost weight and am actually eating well and cutting sugar out of my life has done amazing things for my energy levels and moods. I have also tried to become a better father for my children and that has helped me massively. I don't really procrastinate anymore and I take action on what I want.

 

So here is the kicker, my wife once I packed all our wedding things, moved everything of hers into a spare room ready to be picked up. She started asking "are we okay" and I actually had to sit down with her one night and tell her that no we are not really okay, she left me. I said im moving on with my life and she got annoyed at me and said she still wanted to be friends actually getting to the point of saying to me "why don't you value all our years together".

 

This has shocked me but honestly she keeps getting angry at me for "wanting to take everything from her". I have been rational throughout as best I can taking steps to seek support from my friends, family and medical + psychological assistance. I keep telling her I don't see her as a friend and that im trying to move forward with my life, I was trying to back off and gain more perspective but have now taken to doing what makes me feel good.

 

I now actually flirt with her, make fun of her for things like when I drop kids off to her parents collect them because she is busy, she will come running out waving as I drive off and then call me to come back to see her. I know this behavior is things I should ignore but I am not really immature enough to do that and I cannot let my issues with her create any future bad environment for the kids.

 

She is speaking with me more now, we have fun together again and she has started accepting invites to go out to lunch with me on her days alone with the kids. Whenever she says she wants time alone I do a similar thing and deny to see her on my time off and I am busy often when she needs my help with the kids or something due to friends and family and my person choices of what to do that night. She keeps making it clear she doesn't feel attraction for me or love for me but has started to qualify it at times now.

 

My question here is should I just continue to do what im doing. She is seeking her own place without family going forwards and in a few weeks she is meeting up with a group of friends she meet online who before this happened caused some of my neediness and clingy behavior. The breakup was caused by many factors, as we got depressed she internalized and lied about being okay, I felt this and began trying to support her and asking constantly about how we were going. We have kids and debt and our family dynamic is shifted. I have read this can lead to her not seeing me as a man and I can see how I shifted into a role of submission recently which forced her into making choices which she hates. We would argue often because she felt I did nothing and was lazy being at home (saying this to a women as a man would get you killed I know ). She felt we argued to much and she said that was the main reason. She hated that we didn't go out also etc. So many things.

 

Since then I have changed a great deal while staying who I am as a person. I no longer let myself focus years away but keep myself in the moment far more and enjoy it. I am more understanding and aware of others feelings not just her's and I actually have many nights booked with friends and family most of the time. I am going out in my own time for walks and just to be out of the house for a coffee and I love how I feel even after just 3 weeks. I had to come this far fast for my kids mostly but also for me. Not having the space and my wife trying to need me all the time forced me to learn how to show her I am not her friend but that I am still interested in her. She had this coming for many months to half a year and basically shut me out of her life so she has already dealt with a lot of the things no contact would have given her.

 

Right now I know she needs her own house, to be able to gain that time to really reflect and go forwards. I am confident in myself around her and as I said have been able to ask her out and get her to accept. Really this is half venting and wondering if anyone has any ideas for me. My friends being mid 20's basically have never had a nearly 9 year relationship let alone a marriage and children. I spoke with my ex last night and told her some of the things I had seen about myself. I told her this was no longer me saying sorry though but that I had seen the issues and hoped she could one day forgive me which she said she really did on the spot. We spoke longer and she said its a shame it came to this etc and I agreed but told her this feels really good.

 

I am trying to keep my mind-frame focused on going forward and having fun with her and the family. I am also trying to balance my own expectations because I have not been able to gain that space and even on my days alone I get messages and calls from her that I cannot ignore. I have accepted the previous relationship is gone inside me, it still hurts and upsets me but I am able to be strong now around her about it making jokes and so on but still I am not sure.

[PegNosePete]

Your motto here should be "hope for the best, plan for the worst".

 

You should see a lawyer. You can get a free initial consultation, so it costs you nothing. In fact you can see several lawyers and get several free initial consultations. You can learn a lot about the consequences of your actions. Now maybe your wife is genuinely considering a reconciliation which is great, but maybe she is just playing along and being "friends" while still planning to end the marriage. You want to avoid being taken to the cleaners in the event that she proceeds with the divorce. Like I said - hope for the best, plan for the worst.

 

A lot of what you've written above is factually incorrect and shows a fundamental misunderstanding of how divorce works. I don't think it's worthwhile going through all the details on a message board. You would be much better off seeing a lawyer who can explain it all to you in much greater detail.

[noidea2602]

It depends on your country for divorce. Here seperation is required for 12 months etc. I have spoken with lawyers already and I now have the house etc as she moved out.

 

The assets are not a big issue so being taken to the cleaners isn't really a concern as we don't own much and have already worked out who gets what in writing. We have formal arrangements for the children and debts shared also.

 

I have planned for the worst and am hoping for the best. Thanks

[standtall]

Something is missing about this scenario..where is the other guy or the drug abuse?

[KBarletta]

Since the title of your thread is "want her back" I will assume that it's true that you do in fact want her back.

 

She keeps making it clear she doesn't feel attraction for me or love for me.

 

But then you say this, and it makes me think that you are far better off moving forward on your own, seeing a lawyer and getting divorce proceedings in motion.

 

There is a chance that since she is the breadwinner and you have cared for the children that she would be paying support to you and to the children. BUT ... you need to talk to a lawyer first before assuming any of that, as others above have said.

 

From reading your thread, I get the feeling that she:

 

A. Isn't sure what she wants, B. Is hanging on to you because you are the only man she's really ever known C. Keeping you in a "friend zone" to both ease her guilt over the split and to keep you as a backup plan in case her new life crashes and burns.

 

That being said, I think your best option for your own sanity is to see a lawyer, keep spending as much time as you can with your kids, put a plan in place for a new life without her and to go no contact with her unless it's a conversation involving your children or necessary information regarding the separation/divorce/division of assets. That concept of no contact would apply to her family members as well. It's just easier to move on that way, and it makes the situation very clear as to what your boundaries are. It's fine to make it clear to her that you want her back, but continuing to spend time having lunch with her and flirting with her only continues to play into the narrative that you've set up that you are the submissive one and she will continue to see you that way.

 

Maybe you both need time apart to figure things out. Maybe no contact will help you get her back. Maybe you can be friends again. But those things are not really what NC is meant to do. It's really there to help you move on with your life in the healthiest way possible.

 

 

My advice would be to see a lawyer, figure out your options, then tell her that because you are in two different places emotionally, it's not healthy to keep doing this back and forth and therefore you need to establish no (limited) contact only regarding children and your relationship. Then I would set about moving forward with the divorce proceedings (doesn't mean you have to go all the way through depending on what happens) and leave it up to her to make the next move. If you really want her back, don't accept breadcrumbs (flirty phone calls, texts, lunch invites, etc.) Only accept her saying that she made a mistake, she wants you back and is willing to do the work it will take to make your relationship work again.

 

I do sincerely with you luck. It's not easy, especially when it is literally the first breakup of your life.

 

Keep posting!

 

KTB