Moving on from emotional abuse, or is the damage done?

[arlene1]

Hi everyone.

 

I hope I'm posting in the right place. I'll jump straight in to some background.

 

I married at 17, to my "first love". There is an age gap of 9 years, he is older (obviously). From the very beginning, there were red flags, but I was too young and naive to take things that seriously, and it set the tone for the relationship. Anytime my husband (henceforth referred to as H) didn't like what I did or said, he would ignore me for days on end, until I would beg for his attention and apologise for whatever it is I did wrong, even if I didn't know. Things I 'did wrong' included not taking his advice for very minor things like not putting my clothes where they were supposed to go. Nothing major.

 

After a couple of years of marriage, I realised I was utterly miserable. I told him I was unhappy, no longer in love, and he told me I was ungrateful and a brat and he didnt want to let me go. I considered that perhaps I was all those things. I was young, naive, and desperate not to end up divorced like my parents. stupid me (and I don't need to hear how completely stupid I was/am) eventually agreed to have a baby with him eventually, even though my instincts were screaming NOOOOOOOO. Dumb dumb dumb. Between days, sometimes weeks of being stonewalled, things were ok. We were affectionate and shared some good times. I did not even know of the term emotional abuse and thought him shutting me out whenever I 'slipped up' was just a character flaw or a coping mechanism for him to deal with his anger. it hurt me a lot and caused me a great deal of anxiety and sadness. Communication is a HUGE issue for us.

 

Things came to a head by the 8th year of marriage. His insulting of me, stonewalling, emotional abandonment was too much. By this time I had been diagnosed with depression and panic disorder. It was too much for me to cope with so I asked for divorce. He played dumb as usual, and didn't think anything was wrong. It has always been that I am the crazy one, the ungrateful wife, the drama queen. I started to look for a place and he begged me to stay, so I said counselling, or Im out. We attended two sessions of counselling, the counsellor told H he was emotionally abusive. H refused any further counselling and begged for another chance.

 

This is getting too long. But anyway, two years on from counselling. I don't love him. I see that he has improved a lot, he knows Im very serious about wanting to leave if he stonewalls ever again. But every few weeks, he can't hide the way he is. A few weeks ago he berated me in front of the kids, over me throwing away a $2 item. When I confronted him a week later (couldn't do it in the moment because I didn't want the kids to witness a huge blowup), he said it was the principle, how dare I throw it away, what I wasteful person, how stupid I am etc. He mockingly asked "are you going to threaten to leave again?". Called me a few names. I cried and he just stared at his phone.

 

By the next morning, things were back to normal. I just don't care anymore, I can't keep fighting him, he says sorry and does the same thing over and over. The ONE, and I mean ONE thing that stops me from cutting him off forever are the kids. He might be a crap husband, but he's a great father. Berating me on occasion aside, he does a lot for the kids. He is an equal parent, not an occasional participant. He is up every morning with them, takes them out, feeds them, adores them. As most of you on here know, things are not black and white. He is both emotionally unavailable and emotionally abusive. But my kids would be damaged if they didn't live with their dad anymore, and as a child of divorce I know how it feels. I feel like perhaps, due to my mistakes, I owe it to my kids not to mess up their lives just because I'm unhappy.

 

We have not slept together for 5 months because I cannot stand affection from him, I feel like the hurt is just too much. He says he knows I don't enjoy intimacy with him, so he just stays away. I just want to be in a happy marriage, in love with him, having a normal marital relationship like other people. We are young (i'm late 20's, he's mid 30s). It's not normal that things are like this between us. I suspect he puts up with it because he wants his kids living with him and divorcing me means losing them for 50% of the time.

 

I am awaiting a doctor's appointment in order to see a psychologist, I am so confused and distressed by my situation.

 

Will I ever be able to love this man again? Should I learn to cope with a loveless marriage for the benefit of my kids? Will our relationship ever recover from the damage done to it in the past? Not easy questions, not straight answers. Thanks for reading...

[PegNosePete]

A few weeks ago he berated me in front of the kids, over me throwing away a $2 item.

He might be a crap husband, but he's a great father.

Sorry, I beg to differ. He is giving a terrible example to the kids by doing this. He is showing them that it is perfectly normal for a man to treat his wife like this. That is not being a good role model. That is passing on his own mental problems to his kids.

 

But even if we take your word that he is a good father. Would that change if you were to divorce him? There are plenty of kids that grow up perfectly OK with 2 separate parents. It is much better for kids to have 2 happy loving homes than 1 unhappy, unhealthy one.

 

If your daughter were with a man like him, what would you advise her? To stay, and sacrifice her own happiness, for the kids sake? Or to divorce and find someone who will treat her right, and give her kids a happy home to grow up in?

 

Should I learn to cope with a loveless marriage for the benefit of my kids?

A resounding and definite NO from me. You would be setting a terrible example to your kids by staying. You would be showing them that it is normal to stay in a terrible, loveless marriage where you are emotionally abused. You might think that you're hiding it from the kids but give them more credit than that. Kids KNOW.

[arlene1]

Hi Pete,

 

I suppose you are right. I would say though, that making mistakes doesn't mean he is ruined as a father, I suppose we all have flaws. I made sure my children understood that their father had no right to speak to me in such a rude way. He did apologise when I put him on the spot.

 

Currently I can hear the kids laughing at his silly jokes, while I sit here alone angry with myself, so very very angry with my naivety and weakness.

 

I appreciate your input.

[PegNosePete]

I made sure my children understood that their father had no right to speak to me in such a rude way.

But you continue to allow him to do so. He might apologise but how genuine is that apology if he doesn't change his ways? How long will it be until the next time he blows up then apologises?

 

Only you can break the cycle. You need to get away from this man. You are a victim of emotional abuse. You need to find the strength to say "NO MORE". There are plenty of resources and help and advice available to you, but you need to make that mental leap on your own first. Once you have decided not to be a victim of emotional abuse any longer, you can take it from there.

[Pollyannaslim]

Oh my dear friend,

First of all, I wanted to know how you are doing these days? Abuse is NEVER okay – my heart breaks each time I learn someone has been subject to it. Your well-being and that of your children is a priority. It is my hope that you surround yourself with a good support system and making another appointment with a psychologist is a good start -I know it took courage to set that up!

You have endured so much over the years and knowing you have to make decisions that will change the dynamic between your children and H has to be very difficult to face, especially since you mentioned what a good, attentive father he is. IMO modeling what a good H should look like also one of the healthiest things a father can do. Showing his children that there is love and respect within the marriage is a great legacy to leave to your children.

I understand, really I do, how draining – emotionally and physically it can be when having “walk on eggshells.” Just to navigate through the myriad of emotions seems impossible at times – especially the confusion that comes from wondering how someone we love could possibly cause so much pain, right? But, be encouraged – even though it might seem so… YOU ARE NOT ALONE. In addition to counseling there are national and local networks with those who are trained in domestic abuse and can offer you guidance and solutions, in every aspect– part of the “strong support system,” referenced earlier! (As well as trusted friends and church community). I won’t sugar coat it… this is a tough road… it will take a lot of hard work and commitment. The good news is you are not in a “stay put or leave” situation. There are other alternatives. Although you have tried an ultimatum before, would you consider giving him the option again – both of you seek counseling (IC) and learn how to break the abusive cycle or take a time out. Sometimes a separation is what it takes for the abuser to really “SEE” the depth of pain caused by his hurtful words and actions. Follow thru is HARD and scary, and of course it’s vital a plan is put into place before you do leave. Speaking with an attorney could be helpful, as well – not to discuss divorce, but rather what is involved and necessary for a legal separation. Again, I KNOW how difficult this can be!!!

It would be irresponsible on my part to not say this: IMHO, because unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse does not bear any VISIBLE scars, it is hard for people to wrap their heads around it - difficult to understand the magnitude the depth of the damage done. Please do not allow what may be a distorted view of another skew your determination to do what is best for YOU and your children. If at ANY time you feel threatened, it is my hope that there is no hesitation in calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

God loves you so much and you can have the life and marriage he intended for you to have. Take heart and know that he does have the power and ability to change people and circumstances. He can heal any wound and mend every broken heart.

You will truly be in my prayers. Please check back now and then to let us know how you’re doing.

-P

Edited April 28, 2016 by Pollyannaslim

[dreamingoftigers]

Hi Pete,

 

I suppose you are right. I would say though, that making mistakes doesn't mean he is ruined as a father, I suppose we all have flaws. I made sure my children understood that their father had no right to speak to me in such a rude way. He did apologise when I put him on the spot.

 

Currently I can hear the kids laughing at his silly jokes, while I sit here alone angry with myself, so very very angry with my naivety and weakness.

 

I appreciate your input.

 

Does everyone have flaws? Because you aren't allowed to have them, according to him.

 

Time to get a fair bit angrier about this situation instead of trying to be nice, negotiate or make threats.

 

I suggest reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

 

It helped me smack (not literally, that's abusive) some sense into my husband who was ridiculous at the time. YOU READ IT and gain some clarity.

 

I would not rest another minute being treated like that ever again.

 

I don't care "how" you don't accept it. Just so long as you don't. You need to find a way to make and ENFORCE healthy boundaries with this dude. That may mean conflict, it may mean leaving forever. You can judge that yourself. And, yes, you are more than capable of believing your own perceptions.

 

I have a daughter as well and drawing the line with my husband came with him train-wrecking and us separating for awhile until he was willing to get help. He, as well, was a very loving Dad. But you CAN'T allow him to treat you like dog crap and then turn to your kids and treat them like gold. That is SO unhealthy.

 

I hope you keep posting.