First love, First heartbreak.

[A11A]

Recently split with my girlfriend of 4 and a half months. It was a very intense and loving relationship and we both fell for each other hard and fast. She was going abroad after the summer to work and we both felt the long distance would of been a very big obstacle. we went back and forth between "we can do this" and "we cant do this". So in the end decided to split. in hindsight i feel she wanted to split a lot more than i did, i think i agreed to it to make her happy. she'd freaked out about long distance a bunch during that month and i think she wanted to split as she had freaked out and panicked again about it. we split on good terms that day and went about our business. Stupidly we decided it was best to do this with exams coming up.

 

i'll be honest i wasnt prepared for how much the hearbreak hurt, her being my first love and all. Good ol inexpereince. I thought that it would be easy considering there was no big fight. I was definetely wrong on that. For the next few hours i was okay. felt like **** but i was holding it together. but then i broke down thinking of all the things i'd miss and left the building i was studying in and sat outside. She came out sometime later and saw me like that.

 

The next day i felt so ****ty. i'd never known something to hurt like that. I started talking and confiding in a lot of friends about how i was feeling. 2 of whom were mutual friends, but much closer to her. I told one of these mutual friends, to keep an eye on her. i thought that it was a caring thing to do, as shes a private person, so she'd probably try and soldier on by herself, even when a friend could help her. I confided in friends that I began to feel as if we'd made a mistake splitting like we did, and how even tho long distance is ****, its a lot less **** than being apart from one another forever. i wanted to sit down with her at some point and tell her that.

 

over the next two days i kept confiding in friends and basically disclosing everything i was feeling to them. i'm a "wear your heart on your sleeve" kinda guy, and i'm very vocal about how i feel. i dont bottle anything up. I love to share.

 

After those two days had passed, i got a message from one of her friends. absolutely furious with me. finding it ridiculous that i had been getting people involved in the breakup. in short, It turns out the two mutual friends i'd be confiding in had been telling everything i'd been saying to my ex. Clearly upsetting her. i'm not sure what exact details they'd told her. Or how they had presented what i was feeling to her. but enough damage had obviously been done. i have never felt so betrayed in my life as after i had heard that.

 

I let that stew for a day then sent a very long mesage to her friend who had told about that. it wasn't a kind message, but it wasn't nasty either. the message explained how hurt i felt by some of the things her friend had said. it was a very stupid thing of me to do in hindsight tho, as i was very hurt, confused and betrayed. but once again, i'm very vocal and honest about how i feel and i make no secret of that.

 

A few hours after that i got a very long message and angry message from my ex. Telling me to stop oversharing and getting people involved in the breakup. and to stop being so melodramatic. And that i'd become somebody she didnt recgonize anymore. She told me how she was absolutely furious with me, and to never contact her again. She then blocked me on fb.

 

To hear that from somebody who until recently had refered to me as one in a million, how she had never felt this way about somebody, as her other half etc etc really really hurt. And to hear to never contact her again was really ****. 3 days have pases since then and its still a very fresh wound. I confided in people i thought i could trust during a time dealing with something i had no expereince in, and got stabbed in the back by some of them. and i'm the bad guy apparently?

 

i dont think i did handle the breakup as well as i could of. but i dont think i handled it horribly either. i dunno, you guys can be the judge of that. but i will not apologise for trusting people when i confide in them to keep it to themsleves.

in hindsight as well, after i told the mutual friends, a lot of other people who i never spoke to knew about the breakup. So i wonder just how many people its spread to, and what theyve heard by now.

 

A few lessons i have learned though, you cant trust some people with anything, otherwise they take advantage of your trust and stab you in the back for whatever reason.

 

the friends i can count on are absolute saints. they put up with so much of my **** and never judged me for it, they cared about me and comforted me while i was an emotional wreck.

 

theres nothing left to do but focus on exams now. But its tough. I still feel a mixxed bag of emotions everyday and i wish it could of gone down differently. And i do wish we could just talk it out.

 

so how did I do?

Edited April 19, 2016 by Meph

[PegNosePete]

the friends i can count on are absolute saints

That's great. Yes, a breakup really shows "friends" for who they truly are. To be honest it's not really surprising that mutual friends who were more of her friends, took her side. Now you should delete all contact with them, as well as your ex.

 

so how did I do?

I'm not sure that's relevant or helpful. The only thing that matter is where you're at now, and the best way forward for you.

[A11A]

Yeah in hindsight it makes sense they would of. But I naively presumed since it was a mutual break up, there'd be no reason for "sides" to be taken. and thst people would be there for both of us. I thought i could trust them. especially since one of them made a very eloquent speech about how "they'd be there for me as much as i am there for her".

 

Like i feel as things would of been very different and could of possibly worked themselves out, had they not told everything i confided in them to her. Or whatever they told her. i didnt say anything bad about her. I trusted them with how i felt that we'd made a mistake breaking up so hastily. I've no clue what they actually said to her. Or what theyve told other people. I dont think sharing how i'm feeling with people is such a wrong thing to do.

 

two big milestones in one week i suppose. betrayal and heartbreak. I do owe my true friends lots of drink and hugs though. i'm so thankful to have such supportive and amazing friends. i hope i can repay them in kind when theyve **** to deal with.

 

I guess i'm just curious how other people feel i handled it.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Meph

[eddiecan]

But its tough. I still feel a mixxed bag of emotions everyday and i wish it could of gone down differently. And i do wish we could just talk it out.

 

so how did I do?

 

So you wish you could talk it out? I know that feeling all too well. My first heartbreak, all i wanted to do was talk it out with her or with my friends and family.

 

Be careful with who you talk to. I talked to anyone about it and in retrospect I'm kind of embarrassed of that because some were people I hardly knew.. or in your case:mutual friends. Find out who your true confidants are. Mine were my dad and a couple friends. Also a therapist did wonder for me.

 

Do you think she wants to talk this out? Im going to assume she doesn't. Even if she did, the problem of long distance would arise and this hiccup won't help.

 

Things I did to get over my first love:

 

-Try to stay away from any substance abuse. I slipped here and there but try not to. It really doesn't help.

-Look after yourself. If you struggle to eat, force it. Carry around water and drink it. Work out.

-Dont fall into a slum, make your bed in the morning. Keep tidy. Study for that exam.

-Do things you normally liked. Even if to start you don't care to. I was totally this way. Fake it til you make it.

-Dont be alone. The loneliness was the worst part. Be with friends, your confidants. Go for coffee. Try to laugh dude.

-After a while, try to think of it less..Extremely hard but hopefully the last few notes will help distract you.

 

You seem to have it well together from the sounds of it man. Keep strong.

[mightycpa]

The next day i felt so ****ty. i'd never known something to hurt like that. I started talking and confiding in a lot of friends about how i was feeling. 2 of whom were mutual friends, but much closer to her. I told one of these mutual friends, to keep an eye on her. i thought that it was a caring thing to do, as shes a private person, so she'd probably try and soldier on by herself, even when a friend could help her.

I understand what you were trying to say, but you have to choose the people you confide in a little better.

i got a message from one of her friends. absolutely furious with me. finding it ridiculous that i had been getting people involved in the breakup.

**** her and whatever she thinks.

A few hours after that i got a very long message and angry message from my ex. Telling me to stop oversharing and getting people involved in the breakup. and to stop being so melodramatic. And that i'd become somebody she didnt recgonize anymore. She told me how she was absolutely furious with me, and to never contact her again.

**** her too. You should have responded right away to tell her that unlike her, you actually cared and felt badly about the break up, and now that you are broken up, you don't answer to her anymore.

 

And that's it, and now you guys are done.

[A11A]

I understand what you were trying to say, but you have to choose the people you confide in a little better.**** her and whatever she thinks.**** her too. You should have responded right away to tell her that unlike her, you actually cared and felt badly about the break up, and now that you are broken up, you don't answer to her anymore.

 

And that's it, and now you guys are done.

 

Yeah i've learned that i've to be a bit more conservative with my trust. i'm just very naturally trusting of people and believe they have your best intentions at heart, a bit of a naive view i suppose. It sucks though as i give my trust very freely to people. but in this circumstance it has burned me very badly.

 

Re: Her friend who broke the news to me about the mutual friends going behind my back. I have a lot of respect for her telling me, even if it wasnt in the best way. Obviously she was doing it to protect my ex, but if she hadnt told me the other 2 would of continued to betray my confidence. She may of put it bluntly, but thats way she is.

 

Re: My ex. Shes a very private person so i can understand why she was mad at what happened. But in hindsight what happened is no fault of mine, all of the things i confided in people were things i didnt want her to hear till more time had passed.

 

I dont think she'll want to talk it out anyways. We had planned to be friends after the breakup (before i had any idea how hard a breakup is) , but i care too much about her to just be friends. i'm just very frustrated with how the whole thing ended. I feel like i've got it together a lot more since she told me never to contact her again, but a few days ago i was a wreck.

 

Getting food down the hatch is stil the hardest part haha.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Meph

[LD1990]

You should have expected this when you were so open with her friends, and you were being melodramatic (telling a friend to keep an eye on her is silly, you're not her dad and from the sounds of it you took this breakup much harder than she did anyways). These may have been mutual friends, but if they're closer to her, you have to expect that anything you say to them could get back to her. As far as betrayals go, I don't think this one ranks that high.

 

That being said, your ex and her friends are being just as melodramatic with this "how dare you talk about the breakup" attitude. If those friends didn't want to talk about it they could have said so. You can talk about whatever the hell you please. Your ex and her friend both some pretty whiny and immature.

 

Like mightycpa said, you have to choose who you confide in better. Unless it's a really close friend or family, you have to treat people as if they may not keep the things you tell them a secret. And you definitely don't want to have people telling your ex how miserable you are after a breakup, it makes you look pathetic in her eyes.

[A11A]

You should have expected this when you were so open with her friends, and you were being melodramatic (telling a friend to keep an eye on her is silly, you're not her dad and from the sounds of it you took this breakup much harder than she did anyways). These may have been mutual friends, but if they're closer to her, you have to expect that anything you say to them could get back to her. As far as betrayals go, I don't think this one ranks that high.

 

That being said, your ex and her friends are being just as melodramatic with this "how dare you talk about the breakup" attitude. If those friends didn't want to talk about it they could have said so. You can talk about whatever the hell you please. Your ex and her friend both some pretty whiny and immature.

 

Like mightycpa said, you have to choose who you confide in better. Unless it's a really close friend or family, you have to treat people as if they may not keep the things you tell them a secret. And you definitely don't want to have people telling your ex how miserable you are after a breakup, it makes you look pathetic in her eyes.

 

All valid points. I should of expected they'd tell her in hindsight, but i just trusted them completely to keep it to themselves, As i just trust very people very easily. It was a mistake to do that though looking back now. Yeah the keep an eye on her thing was silly as well. i thought it was just showing that i care, i just wanted her to be okay, and my heart was in the right place, but it was a bad idea.

 

i did take the break up very hardly. i'm very inexpereinced at this girl stuff and she was my first, i wish they'd all be a bit more understanding about that as ive no experience to draw on , instead of them treating me like a child.

 

it definetely isn't a massive betrayal, they were in akward spot for sure, but they definetely should of said something like "i'd love to be there for you man, but i need to be there for her right now, and i cant do both". i've never had my confidence betrayed like this before, even with my easily trusting nature. So it hurts all the more and feels like a betrayal to me.

 

In future i have to be less trustworthy and careful when confiding in people. I will no longer naively assume everyone has be my best intentions in mind and are trustworthy, as all this has done has hurt me this time. i dont really care at this point if my ex thinks i'm patethic for sharing my emotions. I share how i feel and if people judge me that, theyre not worth my time.

Edited April 19, 2016 by Meph

[mightycpa]

You know what?

 

They all end badly, even the ones that end on a friendly note, because things between you change dramatically. If you don't want it to end, then the end is universally unsatisfying or frustrating or something bad. Pick your poison.

 

If you don't care that they end, the end always goes down a lot smoother.

[A11A]

You know what?

 

They all end badly, even the ones that end on a friendly note, because things between you change dramatically. If you don't want it to end, then the end is universally unsatisfying or frustrating or something bad. Pick your poison.

 

If you don't care that they end, the end always goes down a lot smoother.

 

yeah a very close friend of mine put it best when i said i handled it badly:

 

"ah you did a bit. but nobody handles these things well".

 

 

i think for a first breakup from such a serious relationship i did alright imo.

In a way it hurting so much shows how much i cared. i'll continue being the same great person i am and find somebody new in time. But doesnt change how ****ty it feels for a great 4 and a half months to end. and it helps to talk about it with whoever listens imo.