Is there such a thing as a sucessful divorce?

[tamcat]

My wife and I were married for 13 years. Over the last few years we have grown apart to the point where we both realised that we're best friends, living like sisters. We separated roughly 8 months ago, and have decided to make the step of divorcing. I meanwhile started seeing someone. For the sake of us being able to be as involved as possible in our son's life, we have opted to build a second dwelling on our yard, where I will be living. My STBX wife has since met someone, and I can say with all honesty that we are incredibly happy. We wish each other only the best, and although we know very well that we will most likely see each other a lot, we respect each other's privacy enough to let each other be. Although our marriage might not have been successful, I can say with total conviction that our relationship is a total success. We love and care deeply for each other, but we go forth wishing the other one all the best.

[PegNosePete]

We love and care deeply for each other, but we go forth wishing the other one all the best.

That does indeed sound like a recipe for a "successful" divorce. However, this...

 

we have opted to build a second dwelling on our yard

...sounds like a recipe for disaster.

 

You should dissolve the financial connection between you as part of the divorce proceedings, and dismiss all future claims. Usually having shared property is a big no-no and only leads to trouble down the line. What happens in 5 years time when she has 3 more kids and wants to sell, but you don't, or vice versa?

[tamcat]

I hear you Pete, and appreciate your opinion. This is, however, not a decision we have made over night. We own a huge yard, and there would be reason for us to be under each other's feet. Neither of us are spring chickens, nor do we have a desire to have more kids with our new partners. This is the most logical solution for us, and I see no reason why it would not work. My wife attends weekly sessions with a psychological counsellor, I see my psychologist and psychiatrist very regularly (bipolar), and we have been advised that we can pull it off, by these, and other people who have known us for many years. I'm sure there are many couples for who this would not work, but I can't see why it wouldn't work for us. Obviously only an idiot would go into this type of arrangement without contracts in place.

Edited April 19, 2016 by tamcat

[PegNosePete]

I'm sure that's also what you said about your marriage.

 

Look how that ended.

 

Things (and people) change. Just sayin.

[tamcat]

Well, to be frank, how our marriage ended is with two people who just happens not to be in love with each other anymore, but wants to see the other one happy.

[LydianWells]

Divorce produces severe consequences that are totally unseen at the beginning. First off, statistics say that children suffer the most, often much later on in their adult life (Impact of Divorce on Children). Your son may wonder how to navigate life, commitments and who knows what kind of confusion about relationships. People always think the grass is greener on the other side, only to find down the road they miss what they had.

 

If your relationship with your STBX is a total success, then why loose the investment of 13 years together? Perhaps the same stuff that drove you apart may happen again with the new “love?” You may be happy with new partner, but the unfinished business left in the previous marriage will spill over into the new relationship. If the problem was romance and intimacy and the new people fulfill that, its my guess those feelings eventually fade as well making another divorce preeminent. The fact that you both want to say on the same land means far more than is apparent externally. Fascination and the excitement of new love is just like that green grass. Someday it fades.

 

Your best bet is to toss the lawyer and find a marriage and family counselor who can help you mend what you already know works. Happy feelings are not a strong foundation for long-term relationships. Romance compared to true commitment and love, is at its best just emotional candy. Mixing up two families together on the same lot is begging for issues later on.

 

You might wonder why I tell you to stop and consider. I lost my family for the same reason many years ago, which literally took me decades to rebuild relationships with my sons and recover myself from hidden emotional depression suffered after the second marriage failed. Make better decisions, study before making life long mistakes: Divorce

Edited April 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[minimariah]

tomcat -

 

i do believe in a successful divorce. it's painful... and a part of you will probably regret it & wonder about it forever - but you have the power to make it as painless as it possibly can be for all involved.

 

that being said... i've been divorced for years now. your situation is very similar to my own: there was no hate or resentment between me and my xH. we both wanted the same thing & we were both able to communicate and reach an agreement. now... the situation might turn... cold. if you are able to reach and maintain some kind of friendship - that is awesome. BUT be aware that you can both simply lose each other over time... meaning, you're both indifferent and your contact disappears unless it's really necessary. this isn't a bad thing... folks move on and forget about each other - especially when they're dating and living their own life, they sometimes... i guess, they start being too busy with their own lives and finally lose the friendly closeness with their X. be prepared for that to happen.

 

me & my xH decided to buy another apartment in the building three streets away from where we originally lived. that way, we made sure he was living close enough to our daughter but away enough for both of us to start over... of course, we had an agreement. we bought that apartment together because he couldn't afford it on his own and it turned out well for us. he told me he'll pay me out once he earns the money but i never really gave it much thought. on the paper - both of us were the owners so i was good... he did pay me out. as soon as he started earning more money and the apartment is now solely on him.

 

put it all on the paper - don't be afraid and believe in the best outcome. but also... be careful. work on your relationships DAILY.

 

i wish you good luck. you have a good thing going for you... don't let folks discourage you from that. stay focused on the positive.

[oldshirt]

Divorce produces severe consequences that are totally unseen at the beginning. First off, statistics say that children suffer the most, often much later on in their adult life <Snip>

 

Focus on The Family is a religious based organization and not an objective, fact-based, scientifically controlled research center. It is unabashedly biased and with clear religious agendas and any finding present should not be accepted as established fact.

 

 

All divorces are not created equal and should not be painted with a broad brush.

 

 

Children are clearly harmed by abuse, neglect, abandonment and denial of critical care. Children are also harmed by living in environments of chronic conflict and hostility as well as environments with drug and alcohol abuse, violence, chronic infidelities etc etc.

 

 

The challenge would be to find objective, scientifically controlled, double-blind studies by a legitimate, unbiased, secular research center that states that children are harmed by living in environments with two loving, involved, supportive parents who divorced amicably and continue to coparent cooperatively and happen to live in two separate households.

 

 

Children may be inconvenienced by splitting their time between two households, but I think one would be challenged to find legitimate studies that show they are actually damaged and harmed by such an arrangement.

Edited April 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bathtub-row]

Any divorce that happens that needs to happen, is a successful divorce in my book.

[tamcat]

Thanks for your encouraging comment Mariah... as always. I am most certainly not discouraged by the other doom prophets. To each his own, but of course nobody has been in one's unique situation, or known what one knows for themselves. Actually, the "separate with a connection" still isn't that uncommon in South Africa. We have a huge yard (over 1200 sqm), and quite honestly, I have never had a better friend in my life, and vice versa. We both have new partners, and it works. We have no regrets so far about the divorce, and have a relationship where we can give each other advice and be happy for the other one. I think that many people underestimate the sisterhood which exists between two woman - be it as sisters, former lovers, friends, etc. Over and above the relationship allowing us to co-exist in a relatively small space, we both view the property, erection of a second dwelling and monies invested as a business contract and an investment, and it is treated as such, in terms of contracts. Once point that we have emphasized between all parties involved (us both and the new partners), is that each person respects the others' roles, and when people can be mature and handle the situation making our son's welfare our top priority.

 

 

tomcat -

 

i do believe in a successful divorce. it's painful... and a part of you will probably regret it & wonder about it forever - but you have the power to make it as painless as it possibly can be for all involved.

 

that being said... i've been divorced for years now. your situation is very similar to my own: there was no hate or resentment between me and my xH. we both wanted the same thing & we were both able to communicate and reach an agreement. now... the situation might turn... cold. if you are able to reach and maintain some kind of friendship - that is awesome. BUT be aware that you can both simply lose each other over time... meaning, you're both indifferent and your contact disappears unless it's really necessary. this isn't a bad thing... folks move on and forget about each other - especially when they're dating and living their own life, they sometimes... i guess, they start being too busy with their own lives and finally lose the friendly closeness with their X. be prepared for that to happen.

 

me & my xH decided to buy another apartment in the building three streets away from where we originally lived. that way, we made sure he was living close enough to our daughter but away enough for both of us to start over... of course, we had an agreement. we bought that apartment together because he couldn't afford it on his own and it turned out well for us. he told me he'll pay me out once he earns the money but i never really gave it much thought. on the paper - both of us were the owners so i was good... he did pay me out. as soon as he started earning more money and the apartment is now solely on him.

 

put it all on the paper - don't be afraid and believe in the best outcome. but also... be careful. work on your relationships DAILY.

 

i wish you good luck. you have a good thing going for you... don't let folks discourage you from that. stay focused on the positive.

[tamcat]

Lydian, I totally respect your religion and your opinions driven by your christianity. Please respect my choice not to let religion influence my life choices. Research on how divorce "scars children for life" has been proven to be completely one-sided, manipulated by the religious agenda. How a child perceives his parents' divorce is determined on an individual basis, depending on factors such as how the parents handle the split, whether the child's psychological and physical needs are met, and other factors. I'd much rather we raise our child in an environment where he sees his two mothers happy with other partners, than in one where he grows up with a warped sense of how happiness in relationships are, and knowing that his "happy childhood family memories" were actually a lie created by two unhappy parents who tried to fool him.

 

 

While our relationship was indeed a total success, unfortunately our marriage was not. I base my opinion on the fact that we are able to handle the divorce like mature adults, and not brats bitching about the dining room table.

 

 

Both myself and my wife are in therapy, and we have identified quite a few of the factors which led to us being at a point where there is no romantic love in our relationship. We can say with pride that we tried, and tried again, and we are not leaving "unfinished business" behind. Our marriage ran its full course, and we came to the end of that path, knowing we have helped each other become better people than what we were going in.

 

 

"Toss the lawyer?" We do not have a lawyer involved in our divorce, actually. Neither of us felt the need to have someone involved to dictate how we should handle our investments which we have built together over the past 13 years, and we share enough trust in each other to not try and screw the other one over.

 

 

I am sorry to hear about your psychological and depression issues, and the fact that you obviously went through what you perceived as bad decisions. Fortunately I know that I am enough of an adult to take responsibility for my actions, and that each person's case is different. If you were so negatively affected by your divorce, why would you possibly have gotten married again? I hope you find happiness in your life, and love and care in abundance, as I have.

 

 

Divorce produces severe consequences that are totally unseen at the beginning. First off, statistics say that children suffer the most, often much later on in their adult life <Snip>

Edited April 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

Obviously only an idiot would go into this type of arrangement without contracts in place.

We do not have a lawyer involved in our divorce, actually. Neither of us felt the need to have someone involved to dictate how we should handle our investments which we have built together over the past 13 years, and we share enough trust in each other to not try and screw the other one over.

Only an idiot would put "contracts in place" as part of a divorce settlement without having a lawyer at least check them over. Do you know how often this kind of thing goes wrong? Say for example you won the lottery 3 years after your divorce. Would you give half to your ex? If your contacts aren't watertight, you might not have a choice.

 

I think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what a lawyer's job is. He isn't there to tell you what to do, quite the opposite in fact, a lawyer is instructed by his client. Just because lawyers are involved, doesn't mean one party is trying to "screw the other one over". It just means that you're ensuring the contracts are legally solid. That's all.

 

You might call me a "doom prophet" but I call it covering your back. I would very much recommend you get a lawyer to check over your contracts before signing them.

[tamcat]

Perhaps I didn't make it clear enough - we have a lawyer involved in handling the business contract concerning the house and other assets, but the divorce itself is not handled by a lawyer. South African law determines that the custody agreement is stipulated and approved by the family advocate, appointed by the courts. We have agreed to a 50/50 custody plan, with our son having access to us both at all times. Other than that, neither of lay claim to the other's pension funds, policies etc. That would typically be where a lawyer gets involved. That, custody, and maintenance / alimony issues. So, actually I am not quite the "idiot" you clearly think I am, for, having legit contracts in place where the business bit is concerned. By the way, it's not quite polite to refer to others as idiots when you have not been in their shoes.

 

 

Only an idiot would put "contracts in place" as part of a divorce settlement without having a lawyer at least check them over. Do you know how often this kind of thing goes wrong? Say for example you won the lottery 3 years after your divorce. Would you give half to your ex? If your contacts aren't watertight, you might not have a choice.

 

I think you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what a lawyer's job is. He isn't there to tell you what to do, quite the opposite in fact, a lawyer is instructed by his client. Just because lawyers are involved, doesn't mean one party is trying to "screw the other one over". It just means that you're ensuring the contracts are legally solid. That's all.

 

You might call me a "doom prophet" but I call it covering your back. I would very much recommend you get a lawyer to check over your contracts before signing them.

[elaine567]

I think the new house in the yard is fine for you as a couple divorcing amicably, but there are other people now involved in your lives, and I can see trouble ahead.

Not many, I guess, would want to live long term, with the ex that close by, no matter how cosy and friendly and "adult", it may appear to be just now.

[PegNosePete]

Perhaps I didn't make it clear enough

Right, my post was based on the information that you gave to us. We can't know any more because you didn't explain it before, and in fact your previous post implied that you were not using lawyers at all.

 

Good to hear you are indeed being sensible and getting it tied up legally with the advice of a lawyer where required.

 

By the way, it's not quite polite to refer to others as idiots when you have not been in their shoes.

Come now, I was clearly simply paraphrasing your earlier quote. No need to get wound up about it. I am after all, trying to help you out here. But seems you don't need help, so good luck

Edited April 20, 2016 by PegNosePete

[tamcat]

Sorry for the bitchy last comment, Pete.

 

 

Right, my post was based on the information that you gave to us. We can't know any more because you didn't explain it before, and in fact your previous post implied that you were not using lawyers at all.

 

Good to hear you are indeed being sensible and getting it tied up legally with the advice of a lawyer where required.

 

 

Come now, I was clearly simply paraphrasing your earlier quote. No need to get wound up about it. I am after all, trying to help you out here. But seems you don't need help, so good luck

[Art_Critic]

I think it's great for the kids... I did end a relationship with someone whose ex had bought the house next door to be closer to their kids because he was always over there.. in fact when I picked her up for our second date he answered the door..

I couldn't handle the fact that they lived so close that they were too much in each others daily lives and although they lived in different homes he felt the need to invade hers from time to time because it was their marital home so he felt connected to it as his own home as well and not just the kids.

 

Hopefully you will not do the same, being close like that is good for the children but unless proper boundaries are in place it can be misery for the new people in each others lives that are trying to get close only to find an ex who is closer...

[tamcat]

Our boy is our number one priority, but we can not be the best for him, unless we're happy. We have sorted out the logistics, and had endless conversations about respecting boundaries, and each person respecting the other's role in the picture. Despite still living there until my place is built, I don't regard it as being my home anymore. I will have keys for her place and vice versa, purely in case of emergencies. We are extremely fortunate in that our new partners respect and accept our family's setup. We can both honestly say that we are extremely happy for the other one having found love and happiness, and for myself... I have not been this happy in many years.

 

 

I think it's great for the kids... I did end a relationship with someone whose ex had bought the house next door to be closer to their kids because he was always over there.. in fact when I picked her up for our second date he answered the door..

I couldn't handle the fact that they lived so close that they were too much in each others daily lives and although they lived in different homes he felt the need to invade hers from time to time because it was their marital home so he felt connected to it as his own home as well and not just the kids.

 

Hopefully you will not do the same, being close like that is good for the children but unless proper boundaries are in place it can be misery for the new people in each others lives that are trying to get close only to find an ex who is closer...

[Arieswoman]

Originally posted by ArtCritic,

 

I think it's great for the kids... I did end a relationship with someone whose ex had bought the house next door to be closer to their kids because he was always over there.. in fact when I picked her up for our second date he answered the door..

I couldn't handle the fact that they lived so close that they were too much in each others daily lives and although they lived in different homes he felt the need to invade hers from time to time because it was their marital home so he felt connected to it as his own home as well and not just the kids.

 

Hopefully you will not do the same, being close like that is good for the children but unless proper boundaries are in place it can be misery for the new people in each others lives that are trying to get close only to find an ex who is closer...

 

I knew a couple who divorced and the husband went to live in a mobile home/trailer in the garden/yard. This had originally been used by the wife's elderly mother (who had since died). It had a separate address and drive but the exH seemed to be always in the old matrimonial home.

Neither had any plans to remarry and agreed to co-parent the one child they had aged 11.

 

After 5 years the wife couldn't stand it any longer and told the exH he would have to leave the premises altogether. By this time she had a boyfriend. A pretty acrimonious legal financial battle ensued which is still continuing even though he now has his own place.

 

So all I can say OP is tread very warily....

[tamcat]

I'm sure anyone would be pretty pissed with your ex permanently intruding in your home and in your life. I know I would. There is a huge difference between being there for someone and taking over their life.

 

 

Originally posted by ArtCritic,

 

 

 

I knew a couple who divorced and the husband went to live in a mobile home/trailer in the garden/yard. This had originally been used by the wife's elderly mother (who had since died). It had a separate address and drive but the exH seemed to be always in the old matrimonial home.

Neither had any plans to remarry and agreed to co-parent the one child they had aged 11.

 

After 5 years the wife couldn't stand it any longer and told the exH he would have to leave the premises altogether. By this time she had a boyfriend. A pretty acrimonious legal financial battle ensued which is still continuing even though he now has his own place.

 

So all I can say OP is tread very warily....

[PegNosePete]

There is a huge difference between being there for someone and taking over their life.

Yes, apparently in the story above, the difference is "5 years".

[tamcat]

Oi, Pete. Give me the benefit of the doubt here! You and I are gonna remain in contact, and we'll have this chat again in five years...:-)

 

 

If I was right, you're gonna find a way to get a beer to me on this side of the world. I'm you're right, you're gonna send me a box of Kleenex