I went on a date and the search..

[ZA Dater]

Right about now some here are probably thinking "who was the unfortunate lady". Let me answer that question first, it was a Tinder match.

 

How did the date go.

 

Positives

: she speaks well

: she has some intelligence

: she has general knowledge to a certain extent

: she doesn't club

: she dresses in a restrained way

: I figured out how to channel my nervousness into conversation which was good and I didn't feel nervous or awkward at all.

: she refused to let me pay the entire dinner bill, absolutely refused to let me pay it all.

: easy to talk to

: she is slim

: has different interests

: she asked me questions

: she lives close by

: I could actually take her to events

 

Negative

: she is petite, so hugging her after was difficult and awkward

: there was no real connection beyond a conversation and I didn't really feel wowed to any degree at all.

: I didn't really feel the want to do anything more with her, sure I will take her out again but I don't again feel that wow factor.

: she works very odd hours

: lack of physical attraction, she was dressed in a very masculine way

 

I don't know, the positives are more but the negatives are rather more fundamental. Conversation has also dropped off a lot today compared to before we met.

 

This is once again my age old problem but I just didn't feel anything at all. Sometimes I wonder if I have just become totally desensitized through so much rejection.

[normal person]

This is once again my age old problem but I just didn't feel anything at all. Sometimes I wonder if I have just become totally desensitized through so much rejection.

 

More likely, you just met one of the 99% of people you aren't compatible with. You'll have to sift through a lot of these people before you get that 1% you actually do like.

 

When you meet the right person, you'll want to see them again. You won't have to make a list of pros and cons -- there won't be any doubt. Ask yourself if you have a real desire to see this woman again.

[elaine567]

This is once again my age old problem but I just didn't feel anything at all. Sometimes I wonder if I have just become totally desensitized through so much rejection.

 

Rejecting her before she rejects you.

[ZA Dater]

More likely, you just met one of the 99% of people you aren't compatible with. You'll have to sift through a lot of these people before you get that 1% you actually do like.

 

When you meet the right person, you'll want to see them again. You won't have to make a list of pros and cons -- there won't be any doubt. Ask yourself if you have a real desire to see this woman again.

 

I'd see her again, she is nice enough, maybe nobody really does find wow, they just land up with nice enough. I am not exactly full of options so if she wants to see me again great.

[mellywell]

Do you think maybe you are afraid to really be wowed because you might get hurt or they might not feel the same? So maybe you pick things apart to protect yourself?

[elaine567]

I'd see her again, she is nice enough, maybe nobody really does find wow, they just land up with nice enough. I am not exactly full of options so if she wants to see me again great.

 

Well, when are you going to ask her?

[ZA Dater]

Well, when are you going to ask her?

 

I have already. No response.

 

 

The fact that someone from tinder was actually happy to meet me I guess is a win, the fact it was a decent enough evening was a win so I will see the positives in it, even if the ultimate conclusion is negative. Was nice to have someone take an interest.

 

 

Put it this way she is the sort of person who is easy to spend time with without being wow, I could quite easily take her to a function but I dunno just don't know why I am not feeling more.

 

 

Maybe I am the one that's wrong, maybe I should feel more. Will see if the whatsapp conversation picks up again or not.

[normal person]

The fact that someone from tinder was actually happy to meet me I guess is a win, the fact it was a decent enough evening was a win so I will see the positives in it, even if the ultimate conclusion is negative. Was nice to have someone take an interest.

 

In my opinion, if you're willing to settle for "decent enough," you kind of forfeit your right to complain about not liking the person later on. But you're free to make your own choices, of course.

 

 

Put it this way she is the sort of person who is easy to spend time with without being wow, I could quite easily take her to a function but I dunno just don't know why I am not feeling more.

 

Why would you go to something with someone you don't have any feelings for?

[ZA Dater]

In my opinion, if you're willing to settle for "decent enough," you kind of forfeit your right to complain about not liking the person later on. But you're free to make your own choices, of course.

 

 

 

 

Why would you go to something with someone you don't have any feelings for?

 

1: I don't really have many choices so in some respects I just need to force myself to try and like anyone semi nice who comes on a date with me. My question really is where does one draw the line, where does one say "ok I cant get that but maybe this will be good enough"?

 

2: Because its a heck of a lot better going on my own as I have done for te past 10 years. People here seem to underestimate the awkwardness of going to formal dinners and worst of all dances as a single person when everyone else is paired up.

 

She never got back to me so I guess date 2 wont be happening, ah well, she is pretty enough and there are enough fish in the tinder sea I guess so her options are quite wide.

[ZA Dater]

Do you think maybe you are afraid to really be wowed because you might get hurt or they might not feel the same? So maybe you pick things apart to protect yourself?

 

Not really. My problem is one like this, in my mind everything is about looking for the best you can get and its like going to a lovely restaurant which serves your favourite food which is perfectly cooked and prepared. Then you go to McDonalds.

 

If you had only eaten McDonalds you wouldn't bother about the other place but if you had then McDonalds wouldn't be so nice anymore.

 

Dating for me is like that and perhaps its wrong thus my search usually focusses on a few core qualities but the difficulty here is its how these fit in overall, some guys would love a busty 34d blond, that would be enough for them and look alone would be enough. I unfortunately want a good overall, with exceptional more in the personality/intelligence areas.

 

I'll take the positive away from this, I kept open body language, I wasn't awkward, I spoke freely, I had good eye contact and I didn't have that crippling nervousness I used to have on most dates.

[normal person]

1: I don't really have many choices so in some respects I just need to force myself to try and like anyone semi nice who comes on a date with me. My question really is where does one draw the line, where does one say "ok I cant get that but maybe this will be good enough"?

 

2: Because its a heck of a lot better going on my own as I have done for te past 10 years. People here seem to underestimate the awkwardness of going to formal dinners and worst of all dances as a single person when everyone else is paired up.

 

She never got back to me so I guess date 2 wont be happening, ah well, she is pretty enough and there are enough fish in the tinder sea I guess so her options are quite wide.

 

To each their own. I personally think being alone is more agreeable than settling for "good enough" or "better than the alternative." Why? Because when you're in a relationship with anyone you're going to have to make compromises regardless of how much you like them. What should offset all the compromises you have to make is everything you get in return from that person that you can't get anywhere else, a precious commodity. If you settle with someone who isn't "worth it," you're just going to end up resenting the person because you have to make compromises for them and you're not particularly excited about what they bring to the table. You'll be asking yourself "is this someone I'll be happy to do X, or give up Y and Z for?" If not, you're just going to become resentful towards the person.

 

That's a recipe for disaster, in my opinion. But as I said, to each their own.

[ZA Dater]

To each their own. I personally think being alone is more agreeable than settling for "good enough" or "better than the alternative." Why? Because when you're in a relationship with anyone you're going to have to make compromises regardless of how much you like them. What should offset all the compromises you have to make is everything you get in return from that person that you can't get anywhere else, a precious commodity. If you settle with someone who isn't "worth it," you're just going to end up resenting the person because you have to make compromises for them and you're not particularly excited about what they bring to the table. You'll be asking yourself "is this someone I'll be happy to do X, or give up Y and Z for?" If not, you're just going to become resentful towards the person.

 

That's a recipe for disaster, in my opinion. But as I said, to each their own.

 

 

I agree with you to a large extent. Its all moot because she is totally ignoring me.

 

 

Perhaps I am just better off pursuing the material aspects of life.

[GorillaTheater]

Well, doesn't sound like it was a smashing success, but good job on being proactive and securing a date in the first place.

[SammySammy]

I agree with you to a large extent. Its all moot because she is totally ignoring me.

 

 

Perhaps I am just better off pursuing the material aspects of life.

 

No. This means you should try again. You have to be bad before you can be good. Good before you can be great.

 

This is a process.

 

Although you resisted us mightily, you proved that you can learn and you can adjust. Just making an attempt to do something different is a victory in my eyes. I applaud you for that.

 

Now, you have to do it again ... and again ... and again ... learning and adapting along the way ... until you succeed.

 

Don't stop now. Keep going and growing until you get there.

[thecrucible]

Hello OP, in this case she wasn't the right one for so there's no reason to run ahead and keep second guessing yourself if it doesn't feel right. At the same time, I don't think everyone is going to give you the "wow factor" straight away so that is worth bearing in mind for the future. Actually just about every guy I have dated never gave me the wow factor straight away but as I got to know them, I became more infatuated with them. In my mind, I'd like to feel some kind of "wow" but it doesn't have to be "it". I hope that makes sense to you. Also as everyone said it's all a process so it's natural to have a few near misses - they are harder to move on from the hell nos.

[ZA Dater]

No. This means you should try again. You have to be bad before you can be good. Good before you can be great.

 

This is a process.

 

Although you resisted us mightily, you proved that you can learn and you can adjust. Just making an attempt to do something different is a victory in my eyes. I applaud you for that.

 

Now, you have to do it again ... and again ... and again ... learning and adapting along the way ... until you succeed.

 

Don't stop now. Keep going and growing until you get there.

 

The thinking part of me is simply saying that its far easier to chase the material things and to be honest for the most part I get more joy out of those things than I do going on dates like this, bearing my soul and then scratching my head as to why the conversation is dead.

 

The other option is to just dabble in this with no real serious intent to actually find anything wow and just go out with whomever is willing to actually meet me, provided they aren't obese.

 

I'll see what else there is on tinder but in all honesty since the infamous K this is the only date I have been on in nearly 2.5 years.

[SammySammy]

Nothing in life worth having is acquired easily. Particularly women.

 

You seem to have high expectations for women. Naturally, you should expect to put in the work required. Even if that work is mostly on yourself.

[ZA Dater]

Nothing in life worth having is acquired easily. Particularly women.

 

You seem to have high expectations for women. Naturally, you should expect to put in the work required. Even if that work is mostly on yourself.

 

Bottom line is I can put in work in other areas of my life and arguably get more joy from the results.

 

I'll meet people but the more I think about it the more I realise what I like/want isn't really attainable so I'll have to settle for something I don't really want or like, just like seemingly most guys do.

 

I cant really figure out why I couldn't turn this date into a friend at least, I don't feel too sore about it, well I do in the sense I saw this as an opportunity to climb out of the lonely pit I find myself in, she was nice to spend time with but as someone once told me here "girls aren't looking for friends they are looking for a bf".

[JuneJulySeptember]

If I told you that you were going to die in 3 years, then would you rather date, have sex with, share a beer with, and go on trips with some girl who was kind of attractive and kind of cool, or would you rather have held out because you didn't find something that was closer to your ideal?

[ZA Dater]

If I told you that you were going to die in 3 years, then would you rather date, have sex with, share a beer with, and go on trips with some girl who was kind of attractive and kind of cool, or would you rather have held out because you didn't find something that was closer to your ideal?

 

The bold part.

 

 

Academic because the subject of this date isn't talking to me anymore. The unbolded may have worked with her but its done now.

[JuneJulySeptember]

The bold part.

 

 

Academic because the subject of this date isn't talking to me anymore. The unbolded may have worked with her but its done now.

 

Ok. Interesting.

 

That's a different way to live life for sure.

 

I guess I won't be giving you advice any more.

 

I kid, but seriously, you should find those who have the same life philosophy as yourself and look to date them.

Edited April 21, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[ZA Dater]

I'll just take the positives out of this experience.

: yes I can be outgoing

: yes I can make a girl laugh, even if she is laughing at me.

: yes I can be un nervous

: some girls do pay towards a dinner bill.

 

Negatives

: people are all the same, they say you are wonderful to your face but the reality few have the backbone to be honest.

: its easier to just say nothing than be honest.

[DreamBigg]

The thinking part of me is simply saying that its far easier to chase the material things and to be honest for the most part I get more joy out of those things than I do going on dates like this, bearing my soul and then scratching my head as to why the conversation is dead.

 

The other option is to just dabble in this with no real serious intent to actually find anything wow and just go out with whomever is willing to actually meet me, provided they aren't obese.

 

I'll see what else there is on tinder but in all honesty since the infamous K this is the only date I have been on in nearly 2.5 years.

 

If this is the first date you've been on in 2.5 years then how can you legitimately feel like you've gone out of your way to explore different ways to socialize/meet people/interact?

 

Not sure if others have mentioned this but Tinder doesn't seem like the right app/site for someone like yourself. It's something that requires a certain type of personality and social skills in order to master or even be successful at. It's also not something that someone with low self image traits or deeply engrained doubts/beliefs can navigate in a positive way.

 

For someone like yourself id say it'd be a better idea to try something like

Bumble where the female is the one to initiate contact/introductions. Or an actual dating site for adults where you can specify more about yourself and what you're looking for in a profile. Using things like tinder, you're goin to hold it against women for not being what you're after even though they have no idea what it is you're seeking. And visa versa.

[ZA Dater]

If this is the first date you've been on in 2.5 years then how can you legitimately feel like you've gone out of your way to explore different ways to socialize/meet people/interact?

 

Not sure if others have mentioned this but Tinder doesn't seem like the right app/site for someone like yourself. It's something that requires a certain type of personality and social skills in order to master or even be successful at. It's also not something that someone with low self image traits or deeply engrained doubts/beliefs can navigate in a positive way.

 

For someone like yourself id say it'd be a better idea to try something like

Bumble where the female is the one to initiate contact/introductions. Or an actual dating site for adults where you can specify more about yourself and what you're looking for in a profile. Using things like tinder, you're goin to hold it against women for not being what you're after even though they have no idea what it is you're seeking. And visa versa.

 

Thanks. I have been on dating sites for the better part of 7 years with very little success at all.

 

 

An update on this date, apparently she is just looking for friends and apparently I am not quite what she wants in that area either. Wonderful feel good that is for me....not.

[DreamBigg]

Thanks. I have been on dating sites for the better part of 7 years with very little success at all.

 

 

An update on this date, apparently she is just looking for friends and apparently I am not quite what she wants in that area either. Wonderful feel good that is for me....not.

 

It just sounds a bit contradictory to say you've been involved/active with dating sites for the last 7 years, yet you just went on your first date in 2 1/2 years. Even the most grotesque, non appealing person with nothing to offer would be able to fall into a date or two every few months simply by blind luck or chance if they just did the bear minimum of logging in to their site profile here and there.

 

Would you agree that social dating online and the dating site applications have drastically evolved in the last 3-5 years? It's an industry that has literally exploded in recent years so you're doing yourself a disservice by assuming the same rules apply now like they did 7 years ago.

 

Im curious as to which dating sites you've used and for how long. From the looks of it it seems like Tinder is the only one you have explored. I could be wrong of course, so if you could clarify which ones you've registered with or downloaded to your phone, that will paint a clearer picture.

 

I gave you an alternate option in my previous reply. Have you looked into that at all? If not it's worth a look.

 

As for your last date... When you say "apparently she is just looking for... " and "apparantly I'm not quite what she wants" ... How did you come to those realizations? Did you ask her? Or did she tell you? What communication did you show after your date? Send her a text? Follow up phone call? Etc.

 

You stated in your post basically the same thing about her. Listed all the pros and cons and appeared to be not interested in a 2nd date because you weren't wow'd.

So if she is just feeling the same lack of enthusiasm that you were... What are you upset about?