Long Distance Relationships...things were great, until they weren't anymore.

[MarkHolland76]

Hello all. Reading some of these stories here has prompted me to respond.

 

About a year ago I went through a horrible break up with my now ex-girlfriend and part of me still hurts, but it’s not nearly has bad as it was for a long time. The first few months sucked big time. You can’t put a time limit on the healing process. It’s different for everyone. I pray for the lost souls who never get over who they thought was the One. Forcing myself to enjoy social situations sucked too when all you want to do is go home and be alone. Strange thing is about this break up hurting the most is the previous relationship I was in went about a year, but the writing was on the wall at the end and when we broke up I was a little hurt but got over it quickly. It was more of a gradual break up. I think I mourned the break up for less then a week and I was over it. The relationship before that was five years and we were engaged. That didn’t seem to hurt very much at the end either. Even though I was the one who initiated that break up it still hurt some because a lot of other things going on in my life at the time and the break up turned everything on it’s head. We both were not happy anymore and it was the right thing to do. Her and I remain still friends though and she truly is happily married to a pretty cool dude now.

 

 

But the one that ended last year cut me deep. It was a LDR and lasted for three years until everything abruptly ended about a year ago. The long distance thing had worked for quite a while because her job had her travelling here often. About once a month or so. I even made several visits to her home city and we’ve met for extended weekends and vacations in other places. We were making it work and grew very close. We formed a bond that I never had previously formed with any other woman that I had been with. Not even my ex-fiancé. Long distance relationships are difficult and my utmost respect to those out there making it work because it’s not easy. Relationships are work. You are mentally tested constantly I think especially true in a long distance one. When you do see each other it’s a huge high and everything feels like a it’s a honeymoon. As soon as you part, that sinking feeling hist you because the reality of not physically being together is there. For me, it took a few days for that high of seeing each other to wear off. Usually by the next weekend when I had no plans and was alone again is when it hit me. But there was always that anticipation of our next plans together to keep the fire in the relationship going. This went on for three years. The sex was incredible and her and I explored many things that we both had not explored in other relationships. We were very open minded. It was amazing. Sexually we were a great fit.

 

 

Going back to being mentally tested in a long distance relationship, eventually you start asking yourself how well do you really know your lover. Maybe something she told you doesn’t add up, or something in her behavior causes you to question things. What happened in my case looking back she was dropping subtle hints at around the 2 and half year mark. She starting telling me very personal things about being abused in past relationships, both verbally and physically, and how she is lucky to have me in her life and us meeting somehow saved her life. Right around this time we had a weekend planned to see each other but she cancelled because she was very sick. I offered to fly out and come visit her but she came up with an excuse as to why I can’t go visit right then. I found out later that at some point around that time she went back to seeing the abusive ex-boyfriend and he got her pregnant. He also convinced her to have an abortion. I didn’t know his was going on until way later, but in hindsight I should have seen it because our previous time together I noticed she had developed a little bit of a tummy and had a bit of a glow typical of a pregnant woman, but it never even dawned on me. It was all very traumatic on her and her and that guy broke up…or so I thought. He would disappear on her and go back with one of the mother’s of his kids. Then he would worm his way back into my girlfriend’s life when things didn’t work out for him there. While this was going on we hadn’t seen each other but we were in contact regularly. After she recovered from the abortion (I still didn’t know about it) we saw each other a lot over the next six months and it was awesome. We bonded even closer and had some of the most amazing times together. Now the sudden break up.

 

 

The last weekend we had together we had an great time. She all of sudden left me early in the morning the day she was supposed to fly back home. Here’s how it went down. I was still in bed and she got up and went downstairs to use the bathroom, but was actually getting ready to make her exit. While she was getting dressed she called a cab. As soon as the cab arrived she just said goodbye and walked out. No explanation. It was almost as if she planned it that way. I was in shock. I wasn’t even dressed and tried following her out the door but the cab just drove away. She didn’t even look at me. I called. She didn’t answer. I felt I deserved an explanation. I’m still shocked. Nothing. I texted. Nothing. She finally texted me back that we can talk in a couple of days. Ok she needs her space, I get it, but I still would like to know what is going on. I reach out a few days later and get no response back. This is killing me. I called out sick from work for a couple of days because I was just feeling awful. By now, I’m angry. I’m angry as hell, but I don’t want to blow my cool with her. We finally spoke after three painful weeks of no communication and I’m a wreck. Even then, she said she didn’t have much to say. She said we were close and that I’m a sweetheart and great guy, but she just didn’t see a clear path for the long distance relationship to become a local one. That’s it? She could have told me that and perhaps we could have had a conversation about it, but she decided to rip my heart out and smash it with a hammer by the way she handled things. We had a long talk and I finally get it out of her. She tells me that she went back to the abusive ex, who also has five kids with two other different women, and he has been in jail. That part left me very confused because I thought I knew her. The woman I knew wouldn’t even give that loser the time of day. I guess I really didn’t know her. She was a pro at hiding it and a great actress for close to three years.

 

 

I’m glad that her and I live far from each other and I don’t have to see her. I don’t believe she has that job anymore that required her to travel here. So I guess that’s a good thing that I can’t see her, but part of me still hurts because I truly believe the bond we shared was building up to something bigger. I truly hope that she is not being abused by this loser she’s with now. Is it wrong of me to think that I hope this scum falls off of a really high building? I don’t think it is. Her decision to go back with him makes me sad, and I really hope she is not being harmed in any way. Ultimately, it was still her decision whether I like it or not. I sometimes still can't wrap my head around it. Even with the distance I felt our relationship was still growing in a positive direction and I would have been willing to work things out. If that meant moving closer, then I would have done whatever it took. But she didn't really want that. It’s still hard but not that bad anymore. I still miss her at times and I don’t think I’m fully over her. I miss the good times and the little things we did for each other that strengthened our bond. It’s tempting to reach out and see how she’s doing at times. Especially, around the holidays and on her birthday, but I hold back. We haven’t spoken since that last phone call.

 

 

I was a mess at first after the break up. I lost 15 pounds, but that was just from not eating. Eventually you have to start eating again and I put it all back on and then some. I stopped working out and I was eating like garbage. The last few months started working out again and I’ve lost the weight and physically I’m back to being healthy and in great shape again. You have to find things you like doing to occupy your time. It’s can be difficult hurdle, especially if it’s an activity you both shared together. I traveled a bit and that’s great, but it sucks to travel alone sometimes. It just brings me back to the travels and adventures I experienced with her. Even if it’s a place her and I didn’t travel to, I find myself imagining what it would be like if she were there enjoying it all with me. I read a lot and listen to a lot of music. Honestly, that all helps to a point. People close to me tell me that she didn’t deserve me and what she did to me was awful…that I have to get over her. It’s not that easy, especially because of the bond we shared. Most of my friends are married and have kids and it’s not as easy for them to come out and meet for a drink and talk or to plan things with. I’ve always been a bit of a loner so I do a lot things by myself. Some people think it's weird, but I think that's just what society conditions people to think. I don’t mind the solitude, but damn it, it gets lonely as hell sometimes. It’s not that easy when you don’t have that many people to talk to. There’s family, but sometimes even family don’t have your best interests at heart. I think it helps immensely to have a strong support system. I’ve gone one some dates and dated recently but nothing too promising. I try to keep an open mind, but a lot of women I’ve met also have a lot of baggage. More than I’m comfortable to deal with. Women on a lot of prescription meds, ex-boyfriend/husband drama. I don’t want to paint anyone with a broad brush, but it’s pretty grim out there. I’m 40 and don’t like putting up with nonsense. Now, the first sign of any BS, I walk away. I know this mindset can close me off to what could be a great relationship, but I’d rather be happy with myself. You can only feel like crap for so long. Eventually, you have to start feeling good again.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry to hear your story, OP. I can't imagine how painful a blow that was.

 

How did you come to find out she'd been pregnant and then had an abortion? (sorry if I missed this detail somewhere)

 

I think it's normal to still be in some pain at this point. The way it ended was very abrupt and cold and really didn't provide you with many answers. I suspect there was more to this story she opted not to tell you too, hence her total lack of communication immediately following her departure.

 

You probably need more time easing back into the dating world. You mentioned you've met a lot of women with baggage - where are meeting such women?

[MarkHolland76]

ExPat...Yes and thank you for the reply. It still is painful when I think about it from time to time. She was a moment in time in my life. The end was awful and really did a number on me emotionally and physically, but honestly, except for a few minor disagreements, it was some great times shared with her. I'm in a bit of better place now, but it still stings a bit.

 

The pregnancy and abortion. During one of her visits I noticed that she had put on slight amount of weight which she said it was from a new birth control she was on. I really didn't think anything of it, but looking back it makes perfect sense. A few weeks later she was coming back here again for a visit and had to cancel last minute stating she was very sick and was going to go see her doctor as soon as she could. I wanted to go and visit her but she didn't want me there then. That's when she had planned the abortion. She told me her illness was something else.

 

Her and I always always played safe so odds are the baby wasn't mine. She eventually came clean to me about it at the end and told me that it was her on again off again ex-boyfriend who got her pregnant. It's my belief that he manipulated her into getting an abortion. She told me that he wanted her to blame it on me because he was/is already paying for 4 other kids from his other ex-wife/girlfriend and didn't need another. Dirt bag! But she knew the baby was his. I guess I have that to thank her for because I could have been paying for a child that wasn't even mine. I truly feel for her as she has no children and that abortion was very traumatic for her. In one our last conversations, she broke down in tears, and told me everything. IMO, I think she believes that guy is the only one she can be with and that no one else would be capable of loving her. I really loved her. I really did. Still do, but I do need to move on.

[MarkHolland76]

The only other contact I’d had with her was briefly after the break up we texted for a few weeks but that quickly dropped off. Also, around 6 months after the break up, I received a big package from her in the mail. It contained all the birthday, Christmas presents and gifts I had gotten for her over the three years we were together. There was only her PO Box as a return address and not her actual address which led me to believe she was in the process of moving and must have boxed up the stuff that reminded her of me. It was painful as it had reopened the wound which certainly didn’t help me in the healing process. She should have just thrown that stuff away and I would have never known.

Edited April 25, 2016 by MarkHolland76

[Rxwoman]

WOW.

I've had my heart quite broken so I feel for you.

You can't eat, sleep, think or function and nothing makes the knot in your stomach stop except time.

 

I hope you don't let her sucker you back in at some future date because she sounds like the kind ( damaged and never able to have healthy relationship) who would call and start the bs again.

Always with the assurance that THIS time she is oh so sorry...

 

When the hurt stops ( mostly) all you can do is consider this as a very painful life lesson.

I hope it helped a little bit to get it all out here on this forum.

[Lobouspo]

I'm sorry bro, this sucks. So you guys were exclusive when the loser ex got her pregnant? Man when you found out about that you should have bailed. This gal is clearly damaged goods. Think of it as a blessing. She went back to the loser ex before she could poison your world any more. Be thankful. I know you love her but she was probably doing the ex for the duration of your relationship. I know you loved her, but don't throw your pearls before swine. Sometimes garbage deserves no other company than other garbage

[justwhoiam]

I really feel for you. A part of me, while reading, thought: why didn't he chase her to the airport? But then reading on, probably you did the right thing not doing that and just letting her go.

 

I really hope this won't scar you to the point of doing that again. I hope you find a better girl and if anything like that happened again (she leaves), you should chase her. That's in a "normal" situation. My boyfriend and I had a "disagreement" and out of frustration, we were in some street in NYC, he said something like "if you're not happy, then you can just leave". I didn't need him to repeat that twice, as soon as he said that, I was so hurt I left without a word. I quickened my step and then ended up in front of a traffic light. Feeling lost, the whole thing started to sink in... I had travelled a continent just to see it ending up like that. I was about to cry and leaned against the lightpost or something, when he appeared right next to me and said he didn't mean it, and he'd followed me all the way and would have never let me go. I didn't even look back, I was kind of sure he really left. Right around the corner of where we were, there was a subway stop, and I really thought he'd take the subway. Also, NYC was crowded with people and I thought it'd take just few seconds to lose sight of someone with all those people cramming in the streets right and left. I know it just sounds silly but these things can happen.

 

I wish you all the best with everything.

 

P.S. I got confused when you said you always played it safe with her... then she told you she was on birth control... next thing you know she was pregnant. OK, we all know no birth control is 100% safe, but you made me think you were in charge of that... but then it looked like she was in charge of that. I think that when you're steady with a girl for 3 years and you trust her like yourself (with you both being healthy and monogamous), you don't use condoms (unless no other birth control is viable). So keep that in mind for the next times. I know, you first need to find someone to trust that much.