(step)parenting & the affairs.

[minimariah]

hello!

 

so basically - for all of the MMs&MWs who left your marriages and had successful relationships with your APs AND for all of the OWs/OMs... how do you stepparent children after the affair + the divorce IF the children were aware of the affair - were you ever confronted about it, did you discuss it with them? how involved are you in the children's lives?

 

also - how old were your children or/and your partner's children when you decided to leave your marriage? do you think it's better to wait until the children are a little older OR to leave while they're still young? what worked for you and how did your children adapt...? did the older ones adapt better or was it the other way around?

 

i wanted to put this on this OW/OM Forum, because it's aimed at affair couples and their parenting - i know there aren't many of the couples like that who write here but i would really appreciate it if the few of you who do... would share your experiences with me. some of you were already kind enough to do so.

 

thanks.

[cocorico]

hello!

 

so basically - for all of the MMs&MWs who left your marriages and had successful relationships with your APs AND for all of the OWs/OMs... how do you stepparent children after the affair + the divorce IF the children were aware of the affair - were you ever confronted about it, did you discuss it with them? how involved are you in the children's lives?

 

also - how old were your children or/and your partner's children when you decided to leave your marriage? do you think it's better to wait until the children are a little older OR to leave while they're still young? what worked for you and how did your children adapt...? did the older ones adapt better or was it the other way around?

 

i wanted to put this on this OW/OM Forum, because it's aimed at affair couples and their parenting - i know there aren't many of the couples like that who write here but i would really appreciate it if the few of you who do... would share your experiences with me. some of you were already kind enough to do so.

 

thanks.

 

1) the kids knew, because he had discussed it with them prior to leaving the xBW. They didn't "confront", they had had plenty of time to talk it through with him before I moved in with them. We didn't hide it, but we didn't flaunt it either. When it came up in discussion - eg friends visiting, discussion of "back then" - if the kids were around we all just tried not to say anything negative about the xBW.

 

2) he and I parented them as a team. They were younger than my kids so I had had experience of stuff that was new to him, and we let them guide us about who they wanted at events etc.

 

3) they were teens at the point he left. They are young adults now, grown and flown, living happy healthy lives elsewhere. Being older, he was able to involve them more in decisions about leaving, etc, and they appreciated having that - they didn't feel they had no sense of control over their lives, as they had with the previous split.

[WasOtherWoman]

I got my steps when they were already young adults, became a grandma when I said "I do" (much to my husband's amusement).

 

My husband waited until his last child was out of the house, and then left as well. Our A began about eight months prior to him leaving.

 

His marriage was long over, caused by a few affairs on the part of his XW years prior. (He told her he was leaving when the kids were out of the house)

 

The kids are well aware that we began as an affair, but have never really discussed in detail other than for my stepson to tell me that it is his dad's turn to be happy. They are not aware of their mom's affairs, as there is no reason for them to think badly of her at this point.

 

This was all many years ago now, so I never really "co-parented". One of the kids lived with us for a few years while going to college. I am definitely a parental figure to him, but certainly not his mom. We all have a place in the kids and grandkids lives.

 

We are all pretty tight, including his XW, who is married to a younger man (very cute.. you go girl LOL). One of the kids lives here in the city with us, so clearly we are more involved in their lives just because of proximity.

 

I feel very fortunate that my situation turned out the way it did. I credit a large part of it to my husband, and how he handled things.

[Gloria25]

I would never want the kids to know who I was. I would make that a strict requirement to be in an affair with a guy with kids. Even upon his divorce, I still would not want the kids to know of me.

 

Why?

 

It's hard enough that you're breaking up a family, regardless of the reasons the WS and BS can't continue with being man and wife. Kids can't see it like adults do.

 

I was just listening to my fav podcaster where this guy called stunned that his adult children didn't wanna go to his wedding to with the OW...and, my fav podcaster told him she agreed with the kids, cuz he disrespected his vows. So, I wouldn't want the kids to see me ever. No sleepovers, no kissing/touching/etc daddy in front of them. If they ever ask about me, I'm daddy's "friend". If one day he marries me, at least I won't be the labeled the "AP who broke up their marriage/family". Also, I don't agree with step-parenting, blended families, etc. Too much drama there too. I'll do everything to support my guy co-parent and stay out of how they raise their kids.

 

But I've never had this problem, cuz I've only been the OW with married guys who had no kids (see, Gloria25 has her standards). My 6yr guy had a kid, but they weren't married and I had no desire for him to leave her anyways, so it was a non-issue.

[WasOtherWoman]

You know, LOL, I don't necessarily disagree with you. I would not have engaged in an affair had my MM had underage children.

 

Sounds, crazy, i know....

[minimariah]

We are all pretty tight, including his XW, who is married to a younger man (very cute.. you go girl LOL).

 

wowza, good for her!

 

two questions for you - who told your stepchildren about the affair? & how did you meet their mother, how did that relationship progress?

[WasOtherWoman]

No one told them, we assumed they just figured it out. It wasn't like it was some great reveal or anything like that.

 

I met their mom early on at my stepdaughter's graduation. We've become pretty good friends over the years.

 

LOL, she told me she was prepared to not like me.... I was like "what?? everybody likes me!!" We don't live in the same state, but we get together as often as we can and chat often via phone/FB, etc.

 

It is much easier for the kids this way also....

[minimariah]

that is great to hear! congrats.